To ask what you think creates mentally healthy children?

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I don’t know if that’s worded correctly. But I hope you get where im going. What do you think is important to create a happy home that children can thrive in & grow into confident/happy adults?

I have 2 young children & am terrified of screwing them up (due to my own screwed up childhood.) I don’t want them to grow up with issues. I want them to make the absolute best of themselves.

I know nothing is guaranteed, but what do you think is important?

A calm/predictable home & family?
Lots of Encouragement/praise?
Knowing your family are always there for you?

... they’re the most important thing to me & I want to get this right. I don’t ever want them to feel the way I did.

Mumsnet has such wisdom at times & im hoping for some pearls!

These are all signs of of autism...

What do you think is important to create a happy home that children can thrive in & grow into confident/happy adults? I have 2 young children & am terrified of screwing them up (due to my own screwed up childhood.) I don’t want them to grow up with issues. I want them to make the absolute best of themselves.

There are lots of great thoughts on this thread, all of which may or may not work in your home.

However, it's really important that you know, regardless of what you do or don't do, that your children aren't you. They are individuals and that's really important. They could have the best childhood in the world and still have issues, the best education and role models that money can buy but no motivation to do anything. Or they could have the worst childhood and reach great success & happiness.

You are not the only influence on your child, and external influences can often have greater impact than your own, especially during the teen years. In reality it doesn't matter what you want for them, they will be who they will be and all you can do is love and support the person they become.

Be careful that you don't have unrealistic expectations of them or they might end up feeling your disappointment if things don't work out as you have planned (even if it's just in your head).

Being born outside the UK and its education system.

The UK is 69th in the world for children's mental health.

69th.

That is more than parenting or genes or luck.

That is a messed up environment in which children are being brought up. Research suggests it is the education system with 100% exams at 16 and 18 with very high stakes.

My one piece of advice is when offering praise, instead of just saying you're are proud of them, say that they should be proud of themselves for whatever it is that they have achieved - it will mean, in the long run, that their self-esteem will be built on what pleases them and not what pleases other people.

I do tell my daughter that I'm proud of her but when she's done something amazing (in my eyes this happens often) I tend to say something along the lines of... 'wow, that's amazing, you should be really proud of what you've accomplished here. All that hard work has really paid off.'

I didn’t have a good childhood (alcoholic mother with MH issues that I couldn’t go to with anything - I even hid having nits from her until I was infested because I was too scared to tell her)

so I am utterly determined to give my little girl the opposite- a stable, consistent & loving home where I hope she can tell me anything - I find affection doesn’t come naturally but I force myself to show it & I always tell her (& show) how much I love her.

I think being able to cope with life’s ups & downs is important to teach & to be treated right by others.

playing (especially outdoors!) is a big thing for me too!

Boundaries, routine and consistency.

My grandma said this to me when I had my first…
” listen to the little things when they are little, don’t dismiss them. Then they’ll tell you the big things when they’re big.
For to them……they were always the big things”
Sadly she never met my other two, but those words really ring true

I think the biggest thing is resilience. Things will happen- they wont be first, wont be invited, they wont included and wont be good enough at some point in their lives. They need to keep going, learn to fail and continue- persevere.
I'm a teacher, the amount of children who cant cope with being the first/best so give up and then blame mental health issues is worrying!

Genetics play a big part, as do factors outside of a parent's control, such as stress and illness within the family, bullying at school, having to move house or have other significant stressors. The death of a parent in childhood is significantly associated with poor mental health in adulthood so first of all realise that you could do everything right and they could still end up with psychological issues.

In terms of the family environment all of the things you've mentioned do contribute to good mental health but also teaching resilience (so that they can overcome life's challenges).

Remember also that they might go through periods of poor mental health and that's okay, that doesn't mean you've screwed them up, that means that you can support them back to good health, just as you would if they were physically unwell.

It's complicated. Nature and nurture. A loving family with supportive parents, who are emotionally open and know about MH, helps.

But more than that it's the child's personality. I know confident parents who have good self worth and good self esteem themselves, but all 4 of their children are different personalities, all with different levels of self worth and non anxiety.

I don't believe in trying to be their friend. I'm not their friend. They'll have loads of friends. I'm their mum. It's a totally different role.

But surely you must have some rules, like always wearing a seatbelt and brushing your teeth?

I'm saddened by the poor MH amongst teens. Particularly boys not talking about stuff, expressing their emotions. Dh goes on MH training courses at his work and we've talked about it with the boys. How it's pointless to worry about things outside of your control. Talking helps. Things seem massive at the time. But a year later, often better. Not many things are insurmountable. Watched the Roman Kemp programme about his best friend committing suicide. MH is so important. I think if you've never had MH issues there's probably a good chance your dc won't.

To add to all this great advice

Choose a happy school that’s right for your child. That’s not necessarily the most academic or will impress your work colleagues. If you can help them find something that interests them outside of school. Only needs to be one thing. But something fun rather than exhausting. Scouts/drama whatever

Always listen and let their feelings and thoughts be heard so they don’t feel like they’re in a dictatorship, that they are an equal member of the family.

No hitting.

don’t shout at them for expressing their feelings. Encourage them to find their voices and express it in a better, safer way but let them express it.

always talk to them with kindness and respect. Manners at all times. If you wouldn’t talk to your friend / boss like it, don’t talk to your children like it either. I don’t do this one very well, I often get frustrated and angry and snappy. But I’m working on it.

I am a believer in attachment theory. I think children need to feel safe their needs will be met.

I also think mental health isnt something you either have or dont have, just like physical health. Across a whole lifetime most people will experience some poor mental health. So i suppose giving your child tools to find support and help themselves would be good too.

Oh and please never share money worries. It makes me so sad when I hear children say ‘oh I must take good care of this because my mum really couldn’t afford it’ or ‘my mum said she couldn’t afford for me to have xyz’. I find it heartbreaking. Kids should be kids.

This is so wise.

they won’t always get their way. Or get the friend. Or be chosen for a play or a team. We need to be ready to help them move past that and put it in perspective

I too like that resilience post.

I couldn’t disagree more re resilience. Ill
informed twaddle.I have 2 children under Cahms.They are the most resilient kids I know. Life events, circumstances and genes play a big part. Suspect smug parenting could do too.

The environment you grow in needs to be right then everything else will follow

However, it's also important for children to learn the value of things.

The very fact you’ve asked this means I think you’ll be ok!

I have 3 kids including teenagers who so far (fingers crossed) seem to be fairly level headed kids. We have had severe mental health issues in the wider family so I am very aware of the devastation it can cause, so your question is something that resonates with me and that I have often pondered.

I agree with the poster who said that we shouldn’t expect to be happy all the time and our mental health can go up and down in the same way as our physical health. I think there is a danger amongst children of thinking that if you feel sad or anxious that this is wrong and you have a mental health problem. All emotions are valid, the problem is only when these emotions overwhelm us and we can’t live our lives.

Anyway back on topic. My tops tips;

For a start a stable home, where they feel safe and loved.

Be willing to learn - read parenting books (but you don’t have to agree with it all!); look to other parents who you feel are doing a good job; be aware of how you were brought up (what did your parents get right / wrong?); and if your parenting techniques aren’t working, be open minded to change them.

Routines, boundaries, rules all help kids feel safe - but don’t be a tyrant!

if you have a partner, work as a team, agree on parenting between you, and both of you must be willing to discuss / compromise

Don’t burden your kids with too many of your own worries. That’s what your partner & friends are for.

You are their parent, you don’t need to be their best friend too. You are their advocate, their rock, their role model. Not their best mate.

Take an interest in them and their likes. Spend time with them doing things they are interested in. Praise their efforts. Show you enjoy being with them. This helps their self-confidence so much.

But also keep your own friends and interests (not so easy when they are small) as I don’t think it’s healthy to be solely focused on kids.

And don’t panic when things don’t go to plan.. the only guarantee is just when you think you’ve cracked it, something will come along to throw everything off balance again! I just try and think of it as life’s ups and downs.
If they are struggling, that’s ok - life is not easy - your job is to work out how to help them develop the skills they need to cope with life’s struggles.

Finally have fun! Be silly! Laughter is a great tonic.

The home us very important so all you've mentioned but sadly the system isn't all that great here. School is too pushy and often a big reason for mental health problems in children and the rat race of the parents. Other countries thrive bette, starting school later, not pushing their kids or putting pressure on them yet its not talked about. Finish magazine did an article on this and and UK was bottom of the list. Their school system Is amazing where kids play until their around 7 then formal learning. Apparently works wonders for mental health

Stable home environment. Having boundaries, structure, routine, discipline but being able to challenge yourself.

Above all else though having calm, mentally healthy parents.