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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be furious husband has complained about my weight

148 replies

Caerus · 31/08/2019 23:15

So I’ve put on a stone or so in the last year or so.. previously got down to a size 10 after a few years of being personally unhappy with post-babies weight gain. But I’ve never been super slim, I love food & find dieting dull. I exercise a lot and frankly I’m a size 14 now & (apart from c-section tummy) I’m not too bothered about a little bit of excess weight. Husband meantime is bordering obsessive with gym & his diet. As a result he looks great. But he has total intolerance for overweight people.. me, his wife included it would appear. He’s said a couple times now me being overweight impacts our relationship. Leaving me feeling increasingly shit about myself & undesired. In all other ways he’s actually a really nice person but I’m furious & hurt that I feel so bad about myself as a result of what someone who should be my supporter has said. He claims it’s because he cares & feels we shouldn’t ‘let ourselves go’ but jeez I’m hardly obese..

OP posts:
cauliflowersqueeze · 31/08/2019 23:16

What’s your plan.
Do you need someone to help you hide the (toned and athletic) body?

Original poster
Caerus · 31/08/2019 23:20

Grin I might just eat him

OP posts:
AmIRightOrAMeringue · 31/08/2019 23:22

May be going on a tangent but how old is / are your child(ren)? How do you split chores and free time?
Only asking because I think it takes time and mental energy to have the motivation ame resources to lose weight. I always think I'd be slimmer as I was pre children if I had spare time to cook healthy food and didn't have people moaning they didn't like it and if I had the time to go a walk in the evening like I used to. If your husband spends loads of time in the gym while you're stuck at home looking after kids then you need to balance that out efor you even think about anything else

Mopmum35 · 31/08/2019 23:26

I would go buy a cake and eat it all Grin dont let anyone ( including dh) make you feel shit about your body image.

Templetonstunafish · 31/08/2019 23:29

He's being a fucking cock & I know some good patio people. More practically have you told him how upsetting this is? It's fine for him to prioritise gym (if he's pulling his weight (lol) at home), but you don't have to have that priority and that is ok. Or you could pettily develop an intolerance for vacuous shallow exercise fiends and loudly let him know about it.

Obvs Mumsnet so everyone will be along to tell you he's only concerned for your health and they're very happy with their saltwater and dust diet etc.

tisamadworld · 31/08/2019 23:30

YANBU just different standards and perspectives, no doubt influenced by him being so keen about exercise and what not. In his eyes you're overweight, and in your eyes he's obsessive. He wants something from you more in alignment with his own ideals e.g.striving for physical excellence (I.e. low body fat percentage with decent muscle development), discipline, motivation etc.. He might be worried that it's a trend that will just continue. Either way it's hit a sore spot for you and it's indicative of an incompatibility. You'd prefer not to be bothered about it and he is. Question is what will you do ?

DewDropsonKittens · 31/08/2019 23:31

Do you spend periods of time feeling down about your weight gain or moan about it?

I do, my DH reminds me how I want to lose weight so shouldn't eat XY OR Z

It depends on context..
If he has brought it up out of the blue then yes EAT HIM... and whatever else you want to eat haha

Hecateh · 31/08/2019 23:32

Tell him

'you're not kidding it impacts our relationship - your obsession with physical appearance makes me sick see you as a very shallow person and it affects the way I feel about you.'

TerribleCustomerCervix · 31/08/2019 23:34

Depends on the way he said it really.

DH and I have both put in weight since meeting and having kids. In dh’s case it was A LOT. I’ve started going to the gym now the baby is 5 months, but he hasn’t been doing anything effective. We were discussing food/diet and excersise broadly, and how we felt about ourselves in comparison to when we first started going out. I was honest with DH and said that although I still found him attractive, his weight gain had really started to make me worry about his health, and I wanted him to be a better example for our young kids (he’s v fussy and hates anything healthy).

He took it the way I meant it and thanked me for being honest. I think that’s a healthier way to deal with things rather than the worried or unhappy partner brushing things under the carpet, but it does need to be done sensitively.

Iamthewombat · 31/08/2019 23:35

How is your being ‘overweight’ (at size 14? Barely, if at all) ‘impacting your relationship’?

What bollocks. Does he only fancy you when you look like a model? Who needs that pressure? Tell him that he needs to earn three times as much to pay for a nanny, nutritionist and personal trainer and his failure to do so is impacting your relationship. The twat.

Cryalot2 · 31/08/2019 23:35

Your body don't change anything for anyone apart from yourself.
He sounds horrid .Love does not bother about size it is unconditional.

TerribleCustomerCervix · 31/08/2019 23:38

How is your being ‘overweight’ (at size 14? Barely, if at all) ‘impacting your relationship’?

Of course you can be overweight at a size 14. I’m 5’3 and a 14- I’m obese going by my bmi.

dollydaydream114 · 31/08/2019 23:39

I thought you were going to say you’d gone from an 8 to a 20 or something and that your appearance or health had drastically changed ... but a stone’s gain and a size 14, while still being healthy and active? That’s nothing. He’s being an arsehole.

When he’s the one that’s given birth to kids and has to deal with fluctuating hormones and a changing metabolism, he can have a moan. Otherwise he needs to shut the hell up. You are not fat. You are not unhealthy. He is a twat.

tigger001 · 31/08/2019 23:41

He's quite entitled to tell you it's impacting on your relationship. He may not find you physically attractive at a size 14, he shouldn't let it effect his love for you, but if someone is not physically attracted to overweight people, then that can't be helped,

He may also be worried you are impacting your health somewhat and he wants you around for longer, which is also acceptable, so it depends on what he actually said.

Iamthewombat · 31/08/2019 23:42

Prophetic words from @Templetonstunafish

9cats · 31/08/2019 23:42

If you're comfortable that's great but I would be having a serious discussion with my dp if we had such different outlooks.
You can't expect him to always find you attractive because you gave birth to his children. Same as he can't expect the same from you

ReanimatedSGB · 31/08/2019 23:43

Talk to him about the dangers of eating disorders, and the harm done to people's mental health by the idea that everyone has to look like a model. Badger and nag him constantly about whether he might be getting an eating disorder/is his mental health OK/is there something he is worried about.
Basically, police and bully the fuck out of his behaviour, as though you are his owner, until he cracks and complains about it being awful to be pestered like this. Then you can tell him that you were 'only' doing to him what he was doing to you.

tigger001 · 31/08/2019 23:46

It's not just about looking like a model though, it's about being unhealthy and the damage it does to your joints , organs, increased risk of diabetes etc,

Just because the average size in the uk has risen, doesn't mean that's a healthy target.

Sarahlou63 · 31/08/2019 23:46

Maybe he’s being honest. If it was a super fit woman who cared about her health criticizing her chubby husband would the responses be the same? Being “furious and hurt” isn’t going to help you or him.

IlonaRN · 31/08/2019 23:49

Do you have equal amounts of "free" time?
I have much less free time than my partner, so cannot spend as much time exercising. Is it the same for you?
I also find I don't have the mental oomph left at the end of a long day, especially after I have sorted washing, birthday parties etc, so that makes it even harder for me.
Perhaps start by asking him to give you more time "off"?

DerbyshireGirly · 31/08/2019 23:49

Looks like I'm going to go against the prevailing wind here, but I think (depending on how he's saying it) at least he's being honest with you rather than going off having an affair like plenty would - obviously I'm not saying that would be acceptable! We can't really help what we find attractive and honestly I wouldn't be thrilled if my husband put on weight. Being attracted to your partner is very important IMO.

timshelthechoice · 31/08/2019 23:51

What SGB said.

BoopBoopedooBoo · 31/08/2019 23:55

I'd kill to be a 14, on my frame it's the best size and I'm envious!

Your husband is a jerk though. Perhaps he would like to meet size 20 me with my 17/18 stone of chunk, and he can then see how perfect you actually are!

Look after your weight if you want to, but for YOU. Not for him. He's obviously shallow.

Whosorrynow · 31/08/2019 23:57

I'm pretty obsessive about diet and exercise but I can't imagine getting into a serious relationship with someone who didn't share my my feelings on those subjects because I would feel we just weren't compatible

Lockheart · 31/08/2019 23:58

Hang on a tick, none of us know what he's actually said and it's a bit of a leap to label him a grade A bastard at the moment. OP, what is he actually saying to you?

There's a vast difference between "you're fat and ugly" and "I've noticed you've put on a bit of weight and I was wondering if there's anything you'd like to do / any way I can help".