to be furious husband has complained about my weight

[Caerus]

So I’ve put on a stone or so in the last year or so.. previously got down to a size 10 after a few years of being personally unhappy with post-babies weight gain. But I’ve never been super slim, I love food & find dieting dull. I exercise a lot and frankly I’m a size 14 now & (apart from c-section tummy) I’m not too bothered about a little bit of excess weight. Husband meantime is bordering obsessive with gym & his diet. As a result he looks great. But he has total intolerance for overweight people.. me, his wife included it would appear. He’s said a couple times now me being overweight impacts our relationship. Leaving me feeling increasingly shit about myself & undesired. In all other ways he’s actually a really nice person but I’m furious & hurt that I feel so bad about myself as a result of what someone who should be my supporter has said. He claims it’s because he cares & feels we shouldn’t ‘let ourselves go’ but jeez I’m hardly obese..

When I had 4 children under 6 I didn’t have the time,money,or energy to go to the gym. Couldn’t even have a sec to myself to wee in peace. Also my body was left physically broken from the last pregnancy and birth. My ‘wonder’ ex , would meet up with friends on weds for drinks , go to the gym twice a week and for sauna and pints afterwards. Go to rugby club Friday for training plus few pints. All weekend spent on his hobbies I’d take children to park on my own. You could literally see people look at him and then take a look at me! When I met him i was fit, not bad looking and had healthy attitude with food. By the end of our relationship I was a fat dribbling ugly blob in second hand clothes and there was he driving round in sharp suits and a mega ego. Please don’t be me, stay aware and don’t put up with any mind-fuckery.

I could understand if the OP had been really slim and into diet and fitness when they first married, but now had lost interest, but she says she’s never been super-slim, so it seems an unrealistic expectation from the husband here.

Banana thats not what i asked and i i think you know it.

Surely if you are not SEXUALLY attracted to a bigger persn then you just arent Are you really saying you can feel turned on or not to suit the situation. What is being said on this thread is that people arent sexually attacted to overweight people oh but wait i can switch those feelings back on if its due to illness or medication.

CRAP you are either attracted or you arent and are afraid of looking like real bastards if you dont add that caveat.

From your OP, I think it sounds as though your DH has a massive bee in his bonnet that buzzes far too loudly, and it would piss me off big time.

You say you exercise a fair bit. You sound happy with your weight and feel fairly healthy? Is that right? If so then he is being pedantic and shallow. That would irritate the fuck out of me and I would end up pulling him up sharply on it.

This is an anonymous forum where you can change your name in a few clicks so I really have no reason to lie or try to avoid looking like a bastard.

Being overweight is not attractive and in both situations I'd be less attracted to my partner because yes, you can't control what you're physically attracted to. But if it's health issues causing it, my feelings towards them as a person would not change because of the weight gain as there's nothing they can do and it's out of their control. If however there are things they could be doing but don't because they're lazy and not bothered about my feelings then that will breed resentment. I've already said I probably wouldn't leave a happy relationship because of weight gain alone (as long as it wasn't extreme) but once that resentment is there it's likely to seep into other areas of the relationship. And I think I'd be quite annoyed if a man expected sex but just couldn't be bothered to keep in shape in order to make that sex a bit more enjoyable for me.

And I think my examples are very applicable here. Someone wetting the bed is very unpleasant and not attractive in the slightest, even if it is caused by a health issue. But you'd view it and deal with it very differently if it were caused by a health issue rather than someone getting so drunk they couldn't control their bladder or someone who just didn't like getting up in the middle of the night.

" You could literally see people look at him and then take a look at me"

Unfortunatly a lot of people are thick and/or all about the menz.

Friend of mine was in a similar situation. Husband moaned about her spending ANY money on clothes and she didnt have time for herself because she was always with their disabled child she didnt have a lot of time for hair and make up if at all.

Yet whenever a Jordan/Towie type walked past his jaw would hit the floor. They are no longer together.

So be assured if i had seen you and your ex in the park i would be thinking , there is another woman doing all the grunt work while her partner has all the time to himself.

sigh Josepheen I COMPLETELY AGREE. read between the lines. Im trying to say people need to own their shit.

Saying "oh its different if its illness or medicattion is the equivilant of saying "oh we didnt mean you" when someone challenges benefit bashing.

He may be fit etc but how on earth could she find someone attractive who policed her body and found it not up to his standard?

As far as I am concerned, that's the death knell for a relationship.
It demonstrates a contemptuous attitude.

I have to say I agree. I would want my partner to be honest about this rather than bottle it up but that's because I also value health and fitness and I'd feel the same if he got significantly bigger. But I imagine it's a hurtful thing to hear if you are happy with your body and physical appearance isn't something you feel should be important in a long, committed relationship. I don't see how this can really be resolved. They clearly don't agree about the importance of fitness and appearance. So either the OP loses weight purely for her husband's sake and resents him for being insensitive and shallow, or she doesn't lose weight and the husband resents her for ignoring his feelings on the issue.

Going against the grain also but agree with everything @Banangana has said.
You cannot help who or what you are attracted to, and I know for sure id rather be told if any weight I may have gained was affecting my partners physical attraction towards me, so that I can try and fix it! And likewise would (and have)been open to tell partner when their weight gain has become a problem.

YANBU to be upset at the comment because it’s never going to be a pleasant thing to hear. But YABU to flip out to DH about it, as he was only speaking with you openly about his personal feeling towards it.

YANBU to be upset about this. He needs to understand that your body, as a post-childbirth, female, exercising-but-not-obsessively, body is different to his, and that the criteria he's using to judge himself should not be applied to you. TBH the idea that female bodies have more body fat than male might need to be a thing he hasn't even thought about.

You say you've put on a stone in the last year but previously 'got down' to a size 10, which suggests you're probably not all that far off previous weights right now? Your husband's issue sounds like it might be more moral than aesthetic - the unattractive quality is his impression of 'letting yourself go' rarher than your dress size. So pointing out that you are 'making an effort' (exercising, trying to eat healthily but not dieting) but not structuring your life around it might alleviate things.

Surgery is a bit different to eating well and exercising though isn't it?

it's still about bodily autonomy, though, isn't it?

and anyway, have you ever seen the lengths people go to to lose weight (including surgery sometimes)? an hair transplant would be quick and easy compared to addressing obesity which is a daily, life long struggle (not referring this to you OP), diets don't work, if you have significant weight to lose, you often pile it all back on, and it fucks your metabolism so you get fat on less food than before, surely you all know this by now?

look, just own it, some people care more about appearances and would leave or criticise a partner for physical changes, others care less and are more accepting, no need to dress it up in moralised terms

because, check the science, losing weight for some people is very, very hard, so yes, if it is their case, you would be leaving them for something that is very hard for them to do, a lot of underlying factors are beyond their control (genetics!), and eating well and exercising more does not even touch it!

Well this is really a key moment in your marriage. It’s not just about now is it. You’re not getting any younger. Are you expected to be a size 10 and look young/fit forever to keep him interested? How sustainable is his attitude as you age? Do you really want to put up with that stress for the rest of your life? Being judged on your looks? What if you got poorly/injured? Would this type of man be there for you? It’s not just about what he wants. What do you want? Do you want to be forced to go to the gym to keep him happy? What a miserable life. I personally go to the gym 5 days a week because I love it. However, my husband doesn’t go. I don’t care and I don’t care what weight he is. I don’t even know what weight he is! You need to work out what you want in a partner. Is being nagged/judged about your weight/looks what you want to grow old with or would you rather have someone who gives you a happy cuddle on the sofa watching tv in the evenings. Don’t fall into the trap of trying to appease somebody who is selfish and unappeasable. Work out if he is really what you want.

it's still about bodily autonomy, though, isn't it?

Yes. But you have to accept that what you choose to do with your body may affect your partner and your relationship. Things like going bald, getting wrinkles and saggy skin, pregnancy stretch marks etc are out of your control and a normal part of aging/pregnancy so it'd be very unreasonable to expect someone to undergo surgery for these reasons. Weight gain is not inevitable in most cases so I don't think it's terrible to want your partner to put some effort into staying in shape.

and anyway, have you ever seen the lengths people go to to lose weight (including surgery sometimes)? an hair transplant would be quick and easy compared to addressing obesity which is a daily, life long struggle (not referring this to you OP), diets don't work, if you have significant weight to lose, you often pile it all back on, and it fucks your metabolism so you get fat on less food than before, surely you all know this by now?

Well like you said none of this relates to the OP. Someone trying their hardest but failing to lose weight is quite different to someone who is happy with their overweight body and doesn't think there is a problem. I do think that if you choose to enter a relationship with someone who you know has had a daily, lifelong struggle with obesity then it's cruel to comment on it though.

look, just own it, some people care more about appearances and would leave or criticise a partner for physical changes, others care less and are more accepting, no need to dress it up in moralised terms

If you look at my post three posts above your own, I've acknowledged this so you're not really saying anything new here.

OP, YANBU and I would expect better from a partner. You do not have to share his obsession and it’s unreasonable of him to expect you to.

He's quite entitled to tell you it's impacting on your relationship. He may not find you physically attractive at a size 14, he shouldn't let it effect his love for you, but if someone is not physically attracted to overweight people, then that can't be helped,

^
This with bells on. !!
The causes, excuses, reasons and mitigation all explored in the many posts on this subject- as well as many similar threads before..boil down to one indisputable FACT. Sexual attraction is not a matter of choice .

We are humans, governed by biology. Sexual attraction is inbuilt . The OPs husband can no more be attracted to a size 14 than I could be attracted to a man with facial hair. (!my own personal sexual turn off in a man) This isn't 'shallow ' as it's not a 'choice'.

All the arguments about 'well you're hardly size 24' are equally irrelevant. To HIM, he is sexually attracted to a slim body shape. This isn't a surprise, he was so attracted to that shape that he courted and married you. !
He has been very honest and told you that your increased weight 'impacts' your relationship.. how could it not ?
If my dh grew a beard I would not want to have sex with him very often (I would not stop completely because I also love him and know that he would be very upset by completely refusing ) however, I would be honest and tell him why. He would then have a choice.. .. shave it off or not. Knowing that shaving it off would make me find him sexually attractive again would likely mean he would do it.

This is your choice OP. Humans cannot make themselves feel sexual attraction to those they don't feel it for. Sexual attraction is individual.

Hair colour ,
Skin colour,
Intellectual capacity,
body modifications (longnecks, big earlobes, tattoos, piercings,)
weight (skinny, thin, curvy, obese, super morbidly obese) are ALL types that 'attract' and one will rarely be interchangeable with another... ..

The point made by BoopBoopedooBoo

Your husband is a jerk though. Perhaps he would like to meet size 20 me with my 17/18 stone of chunk, and he can then see how perfect you actually are!

Is exactly where people don't get the importance of sexual attraction..this scenario would never make the slightest difference.. !

if a woman was attracted to the 20 stone rugby prop forward body type - she would not be gagging with enthusiasm if he lost weight and muscle tone to become a 16 stone couch potato.. Meeting your mates skinny husband would not 'make her see how perfect' her husband is...

Sexual attraction is an important part of a relationship. That's why anything that 'impacts' is dangerous.. lack of sexual attraction does not mean lack of love. They are two quite different things. Many many relationships continue happily without sexual attraction for reasons such as mutual respect, children, financial commitment, health issues.. but these are not issues that increase or diminish sexual attraction... a couple can have love and understanding about each other's health /social issues.. but it doesn't make a jot of influence on sexual attraction.

OP, a question please:

If your DP freed up more time by pulling more weight (excuse pun) around the house and giving you more time etc, would you go to the gym, cook healthier, go for runs etc?

I'm a size 10. If I went to a size 14, I'd be very fat. Most women size 14 are overweight. I'm with your OH, I find overweight people unattractive. There is no right or wrong, it's just how one feels. If my OH put on two dress size, I wouldn't find him as attractive. If he wasn't bothered to try to lose weight it would be a turn off.

If he put weight on through illness, I'd feel differently.

How are you not playing him to get free time
Agree and thank him for telling you, then say which nights is he doing the child care so you can bugger off to the gym... Then find a pub called the gym.

I’m guessing you’re not Jabba the Hut and you can still leave the house without assistance and take part in day to day life?! If I’m right then your partner is being an arse! If you are happy with you then that’s all that matters! From your description your size sounds quite normal, so what if you’re a bit over weight?! I don’t weigh myself but I probably am too, the amount of rubbish I’ve eaten since my DS was born!

@HelenaDove I don’t think jumping all over the OPs thread with your own agenda is very helpful. Why don’t you start your own thread to discuss those issues.

Why is it that these threads always turn into a micro-analysis of how fat a size x is. It’s so fucking tedious. The OP only mentioned her size as an illustration that she had put on weight that had changed her body shape. Two pages of whether you are obese at a size 14 is completely irrelevant to the OPs question.

OP hasn’t asked for advice on losing weight. She doesn’t want to, and that’s absolutely fine - the key thing is that she is comfortable with herself. Why is everyone pushing her to do something she doesn’t want to do?? Her body, her rules.

If you want to set him straight, write a letter about how proud you are of your body, how much it has worked, and how you feel so beautiful because of that pride and self respect. Tell him that his continual, unasked for comments are chiseling away at that, that they make it clear he isn’t as proud of your body’s achievements as you are and they need to stop. It’s easier to get things down on paper sometimes, and if you pass it to him when you’re just going out, he has time to reflect on it in a non confrontational way.

I think when you start seeing how excercise and healthy eating can make you feel and look better you automatically start pushing it onto other people. You don't mean to, but even subtly you're trying to let them know that they can feel as great as you. If he's mean about it or saying he couldn't have sex with you obviously he is being ridiculously unreasonable and horrible, but it's just that he knows how great it feels when you get fitter, feel better and or lose weight and he thinks he's steering you in the right direction.

He has an eating disorder by the sound of it.

I’m 12-14 and women my age (44) who are super skinny gym bunnies look a little gaunt and drawn. I think our size is ideal for middle age. Or so I tell myself.
Sadly for me dh has taken up an intense sport and now has the body of a Greek god. I would have to literally kill myself to compete with that.