to be furious husband has complained about my weight

[Caerus]

So I’ve put on a stone or so in the last year or so.. previously got down to a size 10 after a few years of being personally unhappy with post-babies weight gain. But I’ve never been super slim, I love food & find dieting dull. I exercise a lot and frankly I’m a size 14 now & (apart from c-section tummy) I’m not too bothered about a little bit of excess weight. Husband meantime is bordering obsessive with gym & his diet. As a result he looks great. But he has total intolerance for overweight people.. me, his wife included it would appear. He’s said a couple times now me being overweight impacts our relationship. Leaving me feeling increasingly shit about myself & undesired. In all other ways he’s actually a really nice person but I’m furious & hurt that I feel so bad about myself as a result of what someone who should be my supporter has said. He claims it’s because he cares & feels we shouldn’t ‘let ourselves go’ but jeez I’m hardly obese..

Tchalla- your post is heartbreaking to read. You need to leave the abusive nob cheese, do you have family and friends that would help you? Or call Women’s aid, your post has made me feel so upset on your behalf.

Oh I feel given some of the attitude on MN align with your husband this may go badly :(

I'd tell him if it's impacting him that much he can cook the dinners and ensure you have tasty snacks.

Does he realise you were smaller because you were unhappy?

I met my husband at a size 16 and for a number of MH reasons I ballooned to a 26. Now a 14 and my body very much shows the history and the csection I have. He's not a dick about it. He is focussed on my happiness and where I'm comfortable.

@Bobbindobbin that post was satire right? Hope I'm just being a bit thick and it flew over my head.

He probably does get emotional eating. When he had issues he had his own vice which he has dealt with so he has been there (in a different way).
Because he's been proactive and made changes, he finds it difficult to see why other people don't make changes. It's a view I have sympathy with if I'm honest.

The fact you've acknowledged that some of your eating habits aren't good or helpful is a good starting point.

You've said yourself if those habits continue then you'll end up in a position where you feel unhappy. Your husband has seen you be unhappy over it before and I do understand why he'd not want you to go back there.

It's hard when it's framed as attraction, but I don't think it's a case of stay away until you hit some magic number. That's not healthy in a relationship (either way).

I'd start by making small changes, don't keep snack food in the house for a while (one of my vices is toast and once I have one slice I can easily eat 6 so I freeze half loaves so I don't eat half a loaf of toast out of boredom).

Social eating isn't an area to touch in my opinion. Sharing food is an enjoyable occasion and is part of a healthy attitude to food. Then maybe you and DH can meal plan together, come up with healthy recipes that will keep you both fuller for longer. Get him in the kitchen more (I'm assuming you're not a multiple meal at mealtimes house, if you are stop that and all eat the same thing).

There's some practical steps that can get you in the right direction without needing to focus on dress sizes and silly dieting. The most long standing changes are ones that take time and are phased in, not sudden large changes.

How about some nice he has an addict I've personality you both choose a diet cook book and try some new treats.

So you think because he's a 'level headed' man he 'doesnt get emotional eating'? Surely as an addict he should understand more than most? Plenty of men emotionally eat and plenty of women don't.

@Caerus
Well done to your dh and yourself. Having the strength you both have and to keep going is great. Not many couples survive but thanks to AA and both your strength...
One day at a time.

Just want to disagree with pp, way back. No. Love between adults is not an unconditional relationship. You're not entitled to behave as you want without taking your partner into consideration. If you're deliberately letting yourself become unattractive to him, you're saying 'fuck you! What you think doesn't matter to me' and there will be consequences.

So basically he's swapped one addiction (alcohol) for another (exercise and diet) and ironically the second is seen to be a healthy habit rather than destructive.
you've both managed to get through the first, and I'm sure will manage the second , especially as from what you say he's realised that comments coming from most likely a good place have gone too far , good luck for the future to you both

I must admit that I think, if you have a 9 and 11 year old and you do not work, overeating can be a result of boredom.
What about getting a job? You may suddenly find that being busy means you do not think about food.
It also sounds like you have a lot of the day go to the gym or run or swim.

Anyone who is "intolerant" of anyone for any reason needs to fuck off and get their head examined and find a hobby or two. Who has time to even devote to intolerance? Ugh.

You do you, OP and enjoy whatever it is you do and don't let him take away your happiness or diminish your spirit. Tell him his intolerance is impacting your relationship.

Op, you are me. After my father died 7 years ago, I did comfort eat and have yo yo ed since. Last year, I had lost 1.5 stone and dh kept on about how great I looked but it just made me feel pressured to stay the same.

Dh is very sporty. I am not and never have been - and I love food (and alcohol). I have since put the weight back on but am just bordering on overweight with my bmi but the way he carries on, you'd think I'm one of those people who are so fat, you need to get the roof off the house to get them out! To be honest, the badgering makes me want to eat McDonald's every day and give him something to cry about.

I was very skinny when I met him but this was 25 years ago. He has changed, too! He weras thick glasses now and has lost his hair.

The worst thing is that the kids are starting to notice and comment and tell him to shut up which has really got to me because I think of what kind of role models we are with him dishing this out all the time and me taking it.

Last night, I blew up in a pmt/menopausal rage and the d word was mentioned but, realistically, I don't have the finances to go it alone, which is depressing. I have also fantasized about buggering off and doing a Shirley Valentine .

People talk about weight being a turn off but this has been a massive turn off for me and the truth is, if he'd put on wright, which he has done, I would say nothing and leave him to sort it himself unless he was masssive and it was a health issue( which often translates into not wanting to shag a fat bird). I hate the expression let yourself go, too. It just sounds so sexist to me

Presumably you didn't find him very attractive when he was an active alcoholic...

I know someone like your H.
Talk about zeal of the convert...
He swapped alcoholism for serious running and veganism. Very much an all or nothing character.
He is divorced.

OP, I would ask your H to seek a check up for anxiety.

" *That's the problem with threads like this on MN.

People fall over themselves in the rush to say things like 'size 14 is not big'. Because they want that to be true*

Interesting. Especially as MN has quite the reputation on other sites for doing exactly the opposite and saying size 14 is big.

I see yet another thread on here asking for an edit button. I think its a bad idea @MNHQ i give you Exhibit A

HelenaDove
It depends. I think Mumsnet weight threads tend to attract two tribes on this:

Tribe 1: Will love to take any opportunity to argue BMI is useless (not a measured reflection it not being perfect but a total dismissal of it), that they know loads of curvy people who are apparently obese on BMI (but probably are because we are used to seeing people overweight), why any shop that causes them to be in a bigger number than they want is clearly promoting eating disorders, that even an 18 isn't that big because they know someone who doesn't look big, that talking about obesity and overweight issues is fat shaming, the usual people are big boned or have big frames, nobody should comment on being overweight and so on

Tribe 2: are almost competitive in how little they eat, they'll claim that they'd be positively covered in fat rolls if they were a size 10, they're stuffed on 1 corn on the cob and 6 grapes, they simply can't eat 3 meals a day and claim it's odd that anyone would eat more than 1,200 calories a day as that's such gluttony.

Neither have healthy attitudes to food and weight and neither have a realistic idea bout what constitutes a healthy weight and good fitness so they have to get snappy and defensive because they don't want their bubbles bursting.

Meanwhile most of us are somewhere from a little underweight to a little overweight, understand that clothes sizes are getting bigger over time, it is increasingly seen as normal to be overweight which throws our perspective a little. That most people are not a passive victim of circumstance regarding their health, weight and fitness and many of us know people who fit into tribe 1 / 2.

If you've gone from a size 10-14 are you sure you've only put on a stone? It's easy to lose track of quite how much weight you've put on over a period of time.

I would be unhappy if my husband became overweight (he’s not perfect at the moment but healthy so that’s fine). It’s not just about appearances, if you are that big it will definitely cause health problems sooner or later. Nobody wants to be with someone who is making themselves unhealthy on purpose. It’s no different to being upset that you OH has taken up smoking for example.

Of course he could have been kinder about it but equally you have an obligation to take good care of your health when there are people who love you who would suffer if you got ill.

@thehouseintheforest I agree with you - and have firsthand evidence of it being true the opposite way too, sadly for me...

I'm 5' 3" and my DH was always wildly attracted to my 16 stones of curves - I had huge boobs and a massive bum, he couldn't get enough of me and although I had the usual insecurities of most overweight women, I felt truly desired by the only man who's opinion about my body mattered to me.

Then 6 years ago, I became very unwell with a gastric illness. The weight fell off me to begin with; I lost 4 stone in as many months and was very, very poorly. I could barely keep even water down. Of course my ability to DTD was hampered by being so unwell, but I also felt a huge shift in our relationship. Whereas before he'd looked at me with desire, I now saw concern... and even pity.

Over the last few years, my weight seemed to settle around 9st (although I was hospitalised last year during a particularly nasty episode which saw me drop to 6st 10lbs - less than our 12 year old DD1), and we seemed to be a bit more 'on track'. DH appeared to have 'acclimatised' to my new normal and I was started to feel better about my body again. But I was back in hospital with SEPSIS at the start of the summer and now can't seem to get above 8st.

Realistically, I am aware that my DH finds curvier women attractive. I find it hard, having been overweight from the age of 19 until 33 I felt sure that if only I could be a size 10, my life would be so much happier - that it was the one thing stopping me from being content. To realise only now that I am skinny (far more so than I ever pictured myself too be in those 'daydreams'), that you cannot change what you're attracted to.

My point is; I would far rather have the body type that my DH is attracted to, as having him so attracted to me gave me the body confidence I needed. Of course - I was healthier then too, that might be influencing me somewhat!

If the underlying message here was 'I adore you, you're a goddess, I want you to live your best life, how can I support you?' Then ok.

Unfortunately it seems like the underlying message is 'you're not good enough, try harder on top of all this domestic/child rearing stuff or I'll find someone else who is worthy of me'.

Big difference.

To be fair, he didn't threaten to leave her over it

It’s not a marriage breaker issue for us - at this stage - as I said, who would destroy a family over weight?!
there’s no underlying message we had a frank discussion - I just found it a bit too frank!
My husband certainly isn’t threatening to leave me as I didn’t leave him in the throws of his addiction.. because he sought help & fixed it. I need to stop being a greedy pig & the weight will more than likely fall off.. I’ve admitted I eat too much. I know exactly what I need to do - we already eat very healthily - I just eat too large portions & over-indulge too frequently. I’m amazed at all the responses to this.. it’s clearly an issue between many couples & thanks for sharing - it’s really helped me see things much more clearly. I’m grateful to those who can see his side as he really is not the arsehole some posters are quick to think he is! Equally I’m not going on some crazy crash diet for him.. if I’m half a stone lighter by Xmas all good but on my terms.

BTW Caerus, this thread aside, if you need help losing weight we'd love to help over in Weight Loss 😉

Start a thread!

A sensible approach there OP.

Crash diets don't work and are often a sign of an unhealthy attitude to food. Other than the emotional eating, which you've covered, you sound like you've got a healthy attitude to food and know that with portion control and moving a bit more you can still enjoy food.

I think MN can be a bit quick to say LTB and diagnose abuse based on a tiny snapshot of a relationship.