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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be furious husband has complained about my weight

148 replies

Caerus · 31/08/2019 23:15

So I’ve put on a stone or so in the last year or so.. previously got down to a size 10 after a few years of being personally unhappy with post-babies weight gain. But I’ve never been super slim, I love food & find dieting dull. I exercise a lot and frankly I’m a size 14 now & (apart from c-section tummy) I’m not too bothered about a little bit of excess weight. Husband meantime is bordering obsessive with gym & his diet. As a result he looks great. But he has total intolerance for overweight people.. me, his wife included it would appear. He’s said a couple times now me being overweight impacts our relationship. Leaving me feeling increasingly shit about myself & undesired. In all other ways he’s actually a really nice person but I’m furious & hurt that I feel so bad about myself as a result of what someone who should be my supporter has said. He claims it’s because he cares & feels we shouldn’t ‘let ourselves go’ but jeez I’m hardly obese..

OP posts:
justbeingadad · 01/09/2019 00:00

My stbxw liked to regularly tell me I am obese (I'm a 38inch waist). I have no idea if this is acceptable or not in a marriage, but the fact is, she wasn't wrong. I never liked hearing it though. You hear so much about fat shaming etc being wrong but then you equally hear that being obese is the NHS number one cost etc.

Yeahsurewhatever · 01/09/2019 00:06

Has he framed it to help you, because he's worried about your health?

Personally I'd tell him to fuck off

...but then I'd be more reasonable and talk about it, why has he said, what's he expecting from you. What if you get fat when you get older? Will be still love you? How important is this to him?
If you're genuinely happy I think that should be enough for him and you, regardless of your weight. If you're not fair enough, get him to help you

But as PP have said is he doing 50/50 around the house
If the reason he can, and you can't go ths gym is because you're busy with housework, kids, mealtimes etc. Then he's pretty selfish.

Craftycorvid · 01/09/2019 00:07

Your body has carried and birthed two children. It’s going to have changed a bit! Women’s bodies are pretty amazing things. And size 14 isn’t massive unless you are, say, four foot nothing in your socks, so concerns about your health seem unrealistic on your DH’s part. The thing is, are you comfortable in yourself and do you feel well? Are you still breastfeeding? It all makes a difference.

kateandme · 01/09/2019 00:09

Hecateh this.said with a donut in hand and work away eating it.tossing a celery stick behind you.

LillithsFamiliar · 01/09/2019 00:19

When I'm a size 14, I'm bordering on obese. It's also the point where I think, am I going to continue getting bigger or do I want to lose weight. In some ways, I don't think it is just about weight. It's about what you both value and prioritise and how much time you have to pursue your interests.
I think you sound upset rather than furious. It may be worth working out what you actually feel and why.

Lilymossflower · 01/09/2019 00:24

He sounds horrid

Templetonstunafish · 01/09/2019 00:36

This reply has been deleted

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RosesAndRaindrops · 01/09/2019 00:46

I've not read all the replies, but I'd hate that.
Yes, it's great that he's lost weight and feeling good, but he doesn't get to be a sanctimonious arsehole about you and your weight!
You know whether you want to lose weight. Not him.
Presumably he married you for you and not your weight.
I'd stick fingers up at DH if he turned round and said I was too fat now TBH!!

LemonPrism · 01/09/2019 00:53

I don't see how you go from a 10 to 14 in one stone unless v short? I've put on a stone and gone up a half size?

Soontobe60 · 01/09/2019 00:54

@BoopBoopedooBoo
Why is he being shallow? I'm guessing for the majority of couples, the reason they started seeing each other would have been a physical attraction. We all find different things attractive. For some, curves are a turn on, for others a turn off. That isn't being shallow. Her DH is being honest. She herself has said that her DH looks great as he's slim and toned. So she equates slimness and a toned body to being attractive.

On some frames, a size 14 would be obese. On others, it would be fine. My DS and I are the same height but my frame is much bigger. I have bigger hands and feet, and my head is bigger (really!). When we were young and very skinny students she could get into a size 6 where I could only get into a size 10 despite my hip bones and ribs sticking out! If I put a stone on I can still wear the same size clothes. If she does, she has to go up a size.

Walnutwhipster · 01/09/2019 00:57

Context is key.

Waiting1987 · 01/09/2019 01:07

It's never going to be a nice thing to hear and that's absolutely understandable. Depending on height a size 14 could be pretty large. I'm under 5 ft 4 and look big at a size 12.

feelingverylazytoday · 01/09/2019 01:09

I was obese when I was a size 14, and I'm an average height for a woman at 5'4" .
Tell him that he needs to earn three times as much to pay for a nanny, nutritionist and personal trainer
None of these things are necessary to lose weight and/or increase fitness.
OP you say he's borderline obsessive about fitness and weight. Has he always been this way? Was he like this before you got married and had children together? If so you can't really be surprised about his reaction. Thats just the way some people feel.

rededucator · 01/09/2019 01:16

If he's obsessed I assume be buggers off to the gym for hours at a time. Go out and leave him with kids, cooking tea, washing, making lunches etc. even if you just go sit in your car or for a coffee. Maybe he'll realize that it's only because of you that he is able to be such a gym bunny x

Toastymash · 01/09/2019 01:23

Is he offering support, or is he just complaining and insulting you? They are very different things, and the former is completely fine, in my book.

My DH is obese (he doesn't look massive but his BMI puts him into that range) and I do worry about him, and he knows it because we've talked about it. The poor bugger barely gets a minute to himself because he works such long hours, and he does brutal shifts so the temptation to eat quick and easy junk food is always there. We talked about it and I try and help in any way I can - preparing healthy snacks and meals, not eating "naughty" food in front of him, trying to help him find time to get to the gym, those sorts of things. I would never just sit there and complain to him about his weight when I know he's struggling. That sounds more like bullying and it's horrible.

Do you and your partner have equal amounts of free time? Is he spending loads of time at the gym/doing sports whilst you're stuck at home with the kids and trying to keep on top of all of the housework? If so then this needs to be addressed before you'll be able to make any changes.

HelenaDove · 01/09/2019 01:35

"None of these things are necessary to lose weight and/or increase fitness"

Good to know OPs DH can put that into practice by excersising at home then.

UNLESS you were misogynistically suggesting that it should be more of a struggle and more of a mental load for OP to lose weight just by dint of her having a vagina.

If her DH gets to go to the gym then he also has to do his share at home so she can do the same. Especially as HE is the one moaning about her weight.

Why should her road to weight loss (IF she wants to lose weight) be more of a struggle than his????

Banangana · 01/09/2019 01:40

It's all fine for us to sit here and call him a bastard but the fact is that many people (especially those that put a lot of effort into staying healthy and in shape) just do not find overweight people physically attractive. Of course ideally he shouldn't love her any less because after a long relationship you'd hope that his feelings and affections for her go much deeper than something as shallow as looks. But physical attraction is not something you can really control and the fact that he's less physically attracted to her will obviously affect their relationship. I personally wouldn't be happy if my physically and mentally healthy partner just decided to let themself go. I'd still love them but I'd be less attracted to them and sex would be less enjoyable.

HelenaDove · 01/09/2019 01:42

BULLSHIT because he CAN control PARENTING HIS OWN KIDS so she can do what HE expects.

HelenaDove · 01/09/2019 01:46

Awkward question time!!

You always see people say "oh thats different" if challenged about still being attracted to their partner if they have put on weight through illness or medication.

But surely the end result is the same so how do you actually square that circle?????!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Nat6999 · 01/09/2019 01:51

I think I would slide some hidden calories in his food & wait until he had gained weight to tell him I no longer fancied him. You have given birth & produced a human being, are running a home & being a parent. If you weren't working so hard at both of these, he wouldn't have time to go to the gym to keep fit, wait until he gets older & the aches & pains start & he no longer has the energy to go to the gym & the pounds start piling on.

Banangana · 01/09/2019 01:59

You always see people say "oh thats different" if challenged about still being attracted to their partner if they have put on weight through illness or medication

If it's a health issue causing the weight gain it's not their fault and it's not their choice and my love and concern for them will override my feelings of resentment.

If they've just decided to mot put any effort into staying in shape and have just let themselves go then it suggests laziness and that they're not really bothered about my feelings or the state of our relationship. I don't think I'd leave an otherwise great relationship because of this issue alone but I'd definitely resent them.

So yes, in both situations the partner is overweight but how they got there matters. Just like how most people wouldn't put up with an unemployed partner who did nothing but watch netflix in bed all day unless they had some mental health issue. Or the reason why you'd feel differently towards a partner that wet the bed regularly because of incontinence issues but not one who intentionally pissed themself because they just couldn't be bothered to get up in the night.

missperegrinespeculiar · 01/09/2019 02:00

Yeah, we can't help what we are attracted to, so since my DH has lost. his hair and I am not attracted to bald men I am entitled to nag him about getting a hair transplant, right? after all, not fair for him to let himself go...

Banangana · 01/09/2019 02:02

Surgery is a bit different to eating well and exercising though isn't it?

Jesaminecollins · 01/09/2019 02:09

How heavy is your husband OP?

MooseBeTimeForSummer · 01/09/2019 02:10

Is he obsessed about eating healthily?

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