to be furious husband has complained about my weight

[Caerus]

So I’ve put on a stone or so in the last year or so.. previously got down to a size 10 after a few years of being personally unhappy with post-babies weight gain. But I’ve never been super slim, I love food & find dieting dull. I exercise a lot and frankly I’m a size 14 now & (apart from c-section tummy) I’m not too bothered about a little bit of excess weight. Husband meantime is bordering obsessive with gym & his diet. As a result he looks great. But he has total intolerance for overweight people.. me, his wife included it would appear. He’s said a couple times now me being overweight impacts our relationship. Leaving me feeling increasingly shit about myself & undesired. In all other ways he’s actually a really nice person but I’m furious & hurt that I feel so bad about myself as a result of what someone who should be my supporter has said. He claims it’s because he cares & feels we shouldn’t ‘let ourselves go’ but jeez I’m hardly obese..

Otoh the fat is beautiful types can FO. Balance. Size 14 may be fine if you're 5ft10 and a big frame. Does he actually help with the kids so you can exercise, cook healthy meals for everyone, plan healthy family activity days OP? In which case maybe engage and discuss even if he is obsessive, and get him to see that he is and chill. But if he's being self-absorbed he can FO.

One of my exes was literally Greek - thought he was a god and ripped af. I got bored with his obsessiveness over fucking kale and spurulina. Especially as I was chubby and he liked that, said women should be soft etc bleirgh. Borderline enabler. Twat.

Why is everyone going on about models? The husband never said she had to look like a model. But she has gone from a size 10 to a 14 which is quite a difference. I realise some people have “large frames” but for the majority of people size 14 is overweight. We have a massive problem with obesity in the west which makes someone who is size 14 feel quite average but it shouldn’t be average and it’s not healthy.

The husband perhaps wasn’t very sensitive with what he said and there is definitely a correct way to have this conversation. However, it’s definitely a conversation worth having. It’s in both of your interests to find each other attractive and it’s in both of your interests that you’re healthy.

The husband was insensitive and his outlook is perhaps skewed by his gym and image obsession but it doesn’t make his opinion wrong.

I’d be obese at 14. I’m a 10 but chubby as in I can grab fat on me. I shouldn’t be a 10 really but thanks to vanity sizing, I am. I’m 5ft 3. What height are you? Unless your 6ft, a size 14 IS big, despite hat people say

I was going to say eating disorder on his part too.

Certainly some problem involving anxiety - whether about size and weight and appearance or something else and the focus on appearance is just a proxy for it - at any rate a problem so serious that he has lost sight of the fact that his wife's feelings about his treatment of her are going to affect the future of the relationship too.

This is not the way to treat the woman he promised to love, cherish, honour, and who has given him two children. Unless he want to end up seeing his children EOW, and weekly on Wednesdays.

You said that you were actively unhappy about your weight after children, and presumably your unhappiness was apparent to him as well, right? And now you are overweight again (when you say a size 14 apart from your tummy, I assume you mean your tummy is bigger, so you're a size 16 or so?).

If my husband could see that I was in a place that he KNEW made me unhappy and dislike myself, he would move heaven and earth to help me and get me to a place where I was happy again.

He might not actually mean that you being overweight per se is the problem, but the fact that you are miserable about it - it's the whole "package".

What does he suggest you do together about it though? He takes care of everything at home on a Sunday morning while you do Parkrun? He is home at 6 x 3 evenings a week for you to go to Pilates? He handles menu planning & cooking?

@MsTSwift what an idiotic, stupid, misogynistic comment. This always comes up on these types of threads. God forbid a woman would do invest her own time in her own health and well being to become fit and strong. How on earth can a particular size be best for a particular age, with no reference to health, fitness levels or height?? What utter nonsense.

This is not the way to treat the woman he promised to love, cherish, honour, and who has given him two children. Unless he want to end up seeing his children EOW, and weekly on Wednesdays.

If he wants more contact than that no judge will prevent him from doing so purely because he called the OP unattractive. Despite what Fathers4Justice will have you believe, courts do not necessarily favour women and a father who is willing and able to genuinely share the children's care will more often than not be allowed to do so.

@rystall found the super skinny gym bunny

What's the saying? Over 40 you have to choose between your face and your arse. If you lose all your nice plumping under skin fat you will look a bit haggard.

What's he going to do when you hit the menopause and balloon? Everyone does.
I'd ditch him before that happens.

I agree wholeheartedly with wonderwhat's post at 06:35.

I have some sympathy for people whose partners gain large amounts of weight and who find them less attractive as a result. Sexual attraction is what it is. Maybe he's worried you are on your way to a size 20.

But it's not a kind comment and his expectations are not realistic.

I’d be obese at 14. I’m a 10 but chubby as in I can grab fat on me. I shouldn’t be a 10 really but thanks to vanity sizing, I am. I’m 5ft 3. What height are you? Unless your 6ft, a size 14 IS big, despite hat people say

That's the problem with threads like this on MN.

People fall over themselves in the rush to say things like 'size 14 is not big'. Because they want that to be true.

Size 14 is very overweight or even obese for most of us. You're seemingly not allowed to point that out, though, without being told you're out of order.

I find fat people very unattractive. If my DH was fat I wouldn't fancy him. I also find short men (less than, say, 5'10") unattractive. It's just how it is.

If you're fat and your partner doesn't find that attractive, and you weren't fat when you met, then what's the choice but to lose the fat or split up?

Its true though. For many people as they age if they are underweight their faces look gaunt. What’s misogynistic about that? Why is that worse than saying size 14 is obese? My bottom half is size 14 I am certainly not obese.

Supersara that is a harsh comment!!! How is that going to help other than make her feel like a piece of shit?!!

husband meantime is bordering obsessive with gym & his diet.

How much time does he spend at the gym? If he is obsessive about his diet do you eat together or does he leave you to deal with all the family food while he caters for himself?

Being told I'd let myself go by my 19 stone husband was a particular high point in my marriage.
My self respect was in the toilet, he was nasty (but not incorrect, although I'd just had second child/ CS and was massively unsupported). He didn't do it out of concern for me...it was about how we looked to others. I was less of a 'trophy'

OP I don't know what to advise because it's a loaded situation. Clear communication should help though. I hope you can work things out.

It depends how he said it as PP have said and it also depends on your height but a size 14 is likely pretty big. I don't see anything wrong with him telling you, it's better to be honest.

Oh here we go with the weight debate bingo.

If you're below a 12 and have had children or are over 35 you're of course gaunt. I don't think my perpetually chubby face ever got that memo.

Unless you mean anorexia level underweight, way below bmi, but that is far far statistically rarer than being obese and all the dangers that brings.

If anyone mentions the Marilyn Monroe myth I may start throwing things.

But r.e. The OP as you say haven't even changed that much, so he may just be like an exangelical ex-smoker now he's all into his fitness and wants the world to know - has his health kick been a recent thing and now he's getting critical? In that case YANBU.

Supersara I'm a size 14 and I'm just over the BMI guidelines for my height. I exercise regularly and whilst I'm heavier than I would like to be, I'm not Jabba the Hut and still scrub up pretty well.

OP says she was not super slim when she met her H. I think it would have been different if she started off at a size 10 when she first met him, but she didn't. So her H is the one who has changed and is now uber critical of others size. Even if OP did lose the weight she'd still be married to a judgemental bore, which sounds a lot less attractive than carrying a few extra pounds.

I think he has said it in the wrong way and that is what has made you defensive. If he broached your weight from a health angle do you think you would have reacted differently? I am losing weight at the moment with the support of my dh. I went from a size 6/8 before kids to a 14 and at 5ft 3in that put me at a BMI of obese. My dh helped me though by feeding the kids dinner in the evening so I can go for a run and exercise. He actively supports the changes in my diet and follows them too. Wanting to lose weight has to come from you , if you are happy then tell your dh that and see what he says.

Hard to judge without knowing the tone. However I don't get all the outrage at the idea that one partner flags to another that their weight is an issue. I wouldn't fancy my DH if he put on significant weight and over time that would impact our relationship. If I put on weight and it impacted how he felt about me I would want to know, but would expect him to make sure I had time to focus on my health and fitness. Better that than pretending to find me attractive.

My DH says the same and eventually I realise that he's right. I think as a society we have so many images that are curvy and body positive that we're losing sight of what's healthy. Check your waist measurement and BMI. Are you healthy? Do you eat healthily? Do you get some exercise? Health is so important to live a long and happy life, it's not just about how we look

As a result he looks great. But he has total intolerance for overweight people.. me, his wife included it would appear.

You appear to have married a knob. I'm sorry about that OP.

How tall are you OP?

@Templetonstunafish ... I wish.

I just hate so much that the counter argument on these threads is always to turn on women who actively use their own free time to better themselves. It’s illogical. Husband doesn’t find you attractive?? Well women who weight train / run / compete look like shit. Especially if they’re... gasp.... old. It’s just woman bashing in a completely odious way.