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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not know what to make of my DH saying this every morning...

157 replies

SillySallySue · 31/08/2019 16:17

OK - this might sound weird so apologies in advance!

Every morning for the last two or three weeks, my DH has said "I'm tired, I had to get up with DS (8 months old) several times".

You're all thinking "And?"

DS is a great sleeper, as is DH - I on the other hand am not. I sleep like a cat. We have other DC's who wake up for various wees/drinks/bad dreams and I can sense them before they even get to my room lol.

AIBU to be starting to get annoyed that he keeps saying this when it's obviously not true? I've gotten to the point where I feel like I need to spend the whole night awake to see for myself! If he was saying "DS woke up once" I'd be more inclined to accept it but DS sleeps in a cot right next to me - there's no way I wouldn't hear multiple times!

If he is lying - why would he do that? Is it possible he's dreaming he got up with him?!

OP posts:
Original poster
SillySallySue · 02/09/2019 08:40

@Wallyandasnog Not yet. I didn't know whether to feel cross or smug. It's DDs first day back at school today so I didn't want to start anything.

OP posts:
Needtoworkhelp · 02/09/2019 08:42

I don't understand all this 'he is trying to tell you he doesn't want D's in your room any more.' surely if that's the case he can just tell his wife what he would prefer and then they can talk about it and or compromise. And I know someone will say not everyone can express what they are saying blah blah. It if you sleep together, pro create together etc then you can talk about these things. Why are you making it up? Or I would like us to have our room back.

Original poster
SillySallySue · 02/09/2019 08:44

He's never mentioned DS leaving our room. He's no bother being in there so why would he.

OP posts:
Motoko · 02/09/2019 08:52

Wise not to say anything this morning, it wasn't the time. Have a chat this evening, once the kids are in bed.

Original poster
SillySallySue · 02/09/2019 08:56

@Motoko He will be pissed - as would anyone if they'd been called out I suppose.

OP posts:
earlgreymarl · 02/09/2019 09:04

@Weezol lol that's hilarious. My DH repeats the same phrase predictably. Have a nice bath. Did you have a nice bath. Drive safe. ( Used to be drive safely but has changed to American version). Could it be simply just something he has got into the habit of saying ALL THE TIME.

Winterlife · 02/09/2019 09:06

In my experience/observation, men:

a) almost always overestimate how much they actually do in the home; and
b) are always at death’s door with any illness.

Based on the above, my reactions were tempered accordingly. YVMV.

Original poster
SillySallySue · 02/09/2019 09:12

@Winterlife He does have a habit of telling everyone how busy he is at home - he honestly isn't!

OP posts:
Winterlife · 02/09/2019 09:20

I suspect he truly believes he is!

Most men have no idea of how much their wives/partners really do. School supplies appear as if by magic, play dates are arranged by children, sports are signed up for automatically, and on it goes.

Motoko · 02/09/2019 09:28

He will be pissed - as would anyone if they'd been called out I suppose.

Yes, I could see it leading to an argument, which is the last thing you need while trying to get everyone ready to do the school run/go to work. Not a great way to start the day!

MaximusHeadroom · 02/09/2019 09:34

DH and I have very different sleeping patterns and often have a very different recollection of how a night went.

I wonder whether whilst you were dealing with one night waking from your DC, he probably fell back to sleep several times so to him it feels like a lot. This is what seems to happen to us.

Or he is trying to get his claim in first, just in case the kids were up a lot and you might want some additional support.

Original poster
SillySallySue · 02/09/2019 09:35

@MaximusHeadroom Him getting in claim in sounds more likely 😂

OP posts:
Fowles94 · 02/09/2019 09:36

No not at all, it's something so small in life I wouldn't think on it. I would be more concerned with my own sleep pattern if I was really awake that much through the night.

mummmy2017 · 02/09/2019 09:40

Pick your battles this isn't one of them.
Thank him for being a great husband and dad.
Ask if child need drink , nappy or just a cuddle.
Make him feel it is a good thing to do, even if he is lying , this way you can use it to your advantage.

Myriade · 02/09/2019 10:27

Make him feel it is a good thing to do, even if he is lying

Oh that sort of comments is annoying me so much!!
Why, why are we pandering to those men child who cant even be bothered to look after their OWN children and then tell them they are amazing, EVEN WHEN they actually have done fuck all??
ARRRRGH

And then we wonder why men dont actually step up and do more? or that they dont realise how palydates need to be organised etc... Well Im not durpised if they re always tod thatthy don nothing or very little, they are actually amazing and such a 'help' Angry

seeleym · 02/09/2019 10:40

Ha that would annoy me too, what rubbish!

Weezol · 02/09/2019 12:54

Winterlife Agreed! Rio Ferdinand was really honest about this in the documentary he made about losing his wife.

He talked about how much 'just happened' in the house without him even noticing - school runs, laundry, homework.

64sNewName · 02/09/2019 12:58

So peculiar! I hope you manage to get to the bottom of it without it detailing into a row.

64sNewName · 02/09/2019 12:58

*derailing

Original poster
SillySallySue · 02/09/2019 14:00

Am I being nuts to think that if someone is lying to make you feel bad/inadequate when you're in a relationship that it's a bit of an issue?!

OP posts:
Original poster
SillySallySue · 02/09/2019 14:03

@mummmy2017 I'm not sure I agree with encouraging him to lie Confused. I wouldn't be so pissed if it was every now and then he was fibbing a little for attention but every damn morning it is now! Except for the one morning I wasn't there!!

OP posts:
ThatCurlyGirl · 02/09/2019 14:11

@Weezol

Rio Ferdinand was really honest about this in the documentary he made about losing his wife. He talked about how much 'just happened' in the house without him even noticing - school runs, laundry, homework.

He seems lovely doesn't he, it's nice to hear someone (of either gender) speaking about what they've taken for granted openly and honestly.

I felt the same when I went to uni, I couldn't believe how much housework I'd been totally blind to. I also remember calling my mum from a supermarket in my first week living away from home to check that meat really cost as much as it does as I couldn't believe it. The shame! We were piss poor growing up so I suddenly understood why she learned to turn one chicken into about four meals 😂

To be fair I lived on tinned tomatoes and rice whenever I ran out of money as I didn't want to ask them for help ever again I felt so bad I'd taken stuff for granted when I was a younger teen!

Have realised when I have kids I really want them to be more informed about grocery shopping, bills etc so they are really prepared as young adults and beyond.

ThatCurlyGirl · 02/09/2019 14:17

Am I being nuts to think that if someone is lying to make you feel bad/inadequate when you're in a relationship that it's a bit of an issue?!

Not at all! I think you'd be nuts not to ask him about it - you can do it civilly and be calm about it but it definitely needs addressing or you're going to simmer like I would. Then one day it'll likely boil over and cause a big row!

From the brief info on here he might not be an arsehole, just a bit of a martyr / race to the bottom kinda person whereas you're the type that just gets on with it (which I like!) so if it's discussed calmly he might just feel a bit embarrassed about being called out and stop doing it.

Sounds like it's his reflex comment on sleep. One of my friends always automatically and super quickly says "good, you?" when I ask how she is then will say "sorry I didn't mean that, everything is shit". Bless her it's just her reflex. Could be similar, but a much more annoying version I know!

Motoko · 02/09/2019 14:56

Am I being nuts to think that if someone is lying to make you feel bad/inadequate when you're in a relationship that it's a bit of an issue?!

Of course you're not being nuts! It IS an issue. Is he like this in any other ways?

Queenofeverything44 · 02/09/2019 15:05

I am a diagnosed insomniac, I don't go into deep sleep so I'm aware of everything around me. I've had multiple sleep studies done and found I don't produce melatonin. I actually have about an hour a night between 5 & 6 am. It's horrible laying there while the house is asleep although brilliant for nightfeeds.
Most people come out of deep sleep multiple times per night and while aware of things around them quickly go back to sleep. Maybe DH is doing that but not actually waking fully. Either that or he's dreaming or making it up for martyrdom.
Must say I am as confused as you 🤔 sorry not much help