To want to get married away from home, and to ask guests to contribute?

[OrangeAeroBubbles]

Previously posted regarding not wanting DSis and DM at wedding, so I guess this is some sort of continuation.
DH(to be!) and I sat down last night and talked about what we really want to do for our wedding. We booked a big venue already, but we just don't want the whole shebang because we're fairly low-key people and it's just not us. Each option we considered ended up falling back on how DSis and DM would find a way to ruin it. Regarding going abroad, I don't do well in warm climates so regular wedding destinations wouldn't be suitable, and as well as that we want DH's grandfather there and I doubt he'd be able to go abroad after recent health issues.

Last night I ended up looking at the Lake District. It's somewhere we said we always wanted to go together, and have found a beautiful venue that caters for intimate weddings of 6-30 people (we have 12 inc. us).
There's an Airbnb 5 minutes from the venue that would host all 12 of us for 5 nights for around £2,000 inc. pool, hot tub and parking. The more we talked about it, the more it felt like 'us' and not once during this discussion did we feel worried about, or even mention, the ways in which DSis or DM could ruin the day.

Aibu to proceed with booking a wedding away from home for these reasons?
Also, WIBU to discuss with our guests about contributing towards the Airbnb? We'd pay for the wedding venue, drinks, food and whatnot for the entire 5 days (it works out at £337.50 per couple for the stay). The guests are all DH's immediate family (with the exception of best man, maid of honour and her partner), no children.

TIA.

Sorry! I meant YABU 😂

Should some posters wish to read the entire thread, they may get a better understanding that I do not, in any way, EXPECT guests to pay. It was a suggestion, so that we can cater for everything else for the entire stay.

Also, I've come to see how others would feel and have altered my course of action accordingly.

Thank you to PP for their contributions, I've taken opinions and suggestions on board and I have my plan of action going forward. 💐

You don't get on with MIL and SIL so being stuck with them could be a nightmare

The OP hasn’t said she doesn’t get on with her MIL and SIL

I’ve read a bit more of the thread. I honestly don’t know why people are being so negative. The plan sounds really good and I would love to go to a wedding like that of a close friend or family member. I’ve known friends who’ve gone abroad for someone’s wedding, and turned it into a holiday, why is the Lake District any different? Top idea OP. But only accept money if offered.

Btw I love orange aero bubbles too, but can hardly ever find them in the shops!

If you are hosting a destination wedding, you need to pay or allow others the option of just coming for the night, and staying somewhere much much cheaper.

No, they can not pay for your five night air bnb stay, which is essentially what they will be doing. You don't get to inflict these kinds of costs on your guests just because you have seen something you like.

@BarbedBloom I get on amazingly with MIL and SIL, I don't know where the idea that I don't get on with them has come from- sorry.

Oh OrangeAeroBubbles I read your other thread too . I understand why you want a low key event with people who really care about you. From your post, it is a completely different proposition to a traditional wedding where people are a mix of family and friends and some guests are comparative strangers to either the bride or groom.

I think your idea could work out really well - especially as you are combining a hen/stag do - and people are only really being asked to give up a long weekend in terms of annual leave. It’s really like a short break family holiday in terms of practical considerations like time and cost, although of course the wedding sounds like a wonderful emotional occasion for you all and something that really ‘seals’ all you and DP have been through.

I think if you could possibly afford it, I’d pay for the whole thing and let people contribute to the accommodation if they wanted to. I would personally worry about the weather in the Lake District but that’s true of everywhere in the UK.

Hope you have a wonderful occasion, whatever you decide.

Should some posters wish to read the entire thread, they may get a better understanding that I do not, in any way, EXPECT guests to pay. It was a suggestion, so that we can cater for everything else for the entire stay.
Not really sure of the point of the thread then.
Were you expecting everyone to yanbu but now they say yabu you weren’t expecting them to pay.

@Catsandchardonnay local Premier shops tend to sell them! They're my guilty pleasure- really not helping me fit into my dress though!

My DH has said he likes the idea of a Cyprus wedding, which all were happy to pay for, but I just don't do well in heat so we decided together that it wasn't the best idea. I can barely survive a British summer, nevermind the Cyprus heat in a wedding dress!

I don’t think it’s an unreasonable amount of money at all. Wouldn’t ball in the slightest. Blimey, I’ve been to loads of weddings that have cost in the region of a £1000 all in (hen do, travel to wedding, accommodation, outfit, gift, money for evening reception etc) so yours seems a positive bargain!

5 days with one group of people living in one house though? Nope. It’d kill me! If I could escape to my own accommodation / go out on my own every now and then and not be expected to ‘join in’ all the time, I’d be more inclined.

But I am used to living alone / going away alone so probably not the best barometer for that aspect.

You know your family and friends better than any of us do (and seem fairly convinced that this is the right thing to do anyway so I'm not 100% sure why you're asking opinions).

Things that would jump out to me:
A hen/stag do separate from a wedding is a separate event to accept or decline an invitation for, bundling them all into one package makes the whole package a yes/no thing. It makes it awkward for people who may love to attend a wedding bit don't want 5 days in the lakes doing family things and wedding events.

A destination wedding overseas might be someone's holiday for the year and they could go with their partner and have some holiday time. 5 days in the lakes where there's a day plan around wedding events and group socialising isn't the same.

If you often do family group holidays then I don't think you can unilaterally make the wedding week like a special family holiday as your basically dictating when, where, what etc. It's your wedding, and there's a danger of doing what people do with destination weddings which is try to dress it up like a nice favour for the guests. In this case, you've already preplanned what sort of things will happen on each day. It's really a 5 day wedding rather than a family break

5 days is a lot to be cooped up with someone's family if you're not from the family, however well you may get on with them.

You're also spending your wedding night and start of honeymoon in a family house.

It sounds like a nice day for your wedding, but I would maybe rethink bits of it.

Sorry @orangeaerobubbles. It is your DSis and Mum isn't it? I have somehow mixed them up in my mind. I don't work well on three hours sleep!

People will say they like the idea, but in reality it will cause more problems. This will shorten your guest list so if you are happy with a bit of a wait and see approach then go for it. Personally I find it really irritating when people arrange destination weddings and expect guests to pay for it. It is not their wedding, it is your wedding. I think it can turn into a cheeky way to offset the cost of a wedding onto your guest list. You should budget to pay for the bulk.

(Ps. I know you’ve said you ARE going to pay - just giving an alternative perspective to the pile on you’re getting!)

Op, it does not matter that you are paying for everything but the accommodation!

You are expecting your guests to:

1. Pay to the Lake District and back
2. Take a minimum of a week off their annual leave
3. Pay for your Airbnb for five nights
4. Clean and cook
5. Pay for wedding outfits, shoes, suits etc
6. Your wedding present
7. Organise and I assume pay for your hen and stag night the evening before
8. Enjoy the privilege of you having the small wedding you have always wanted. Ha!

You are definitely in the running for CF of the week thats for sure.

"I’m not being cruel, but you have to remember that most weddings are not anticipated with the same joy and excitement by guests as they are by the couple."

Only on MN is a wedding a trial to be endured. Everyone I know, without exception, loves a good wedding - a chance to get together with all your loved ones (maybe catch up with those you don't see as often as you'd like) and have a good old knees up and celebration. I don't get what's not to like?

OP I don't think YABU at all to scope out the idea with your guests, and I would be more than happy to pay for accommodation in this case. It's less than £50pp per night and you have suggested travel, food and drink costs would be paid by you, so it's effectively an all inclusive price.
Think about it, at a 'normal' wedding a couple could easily spend that much on accommodation, drinks and a gift for one day. Most people IRL don't bat an eyelid at that, so I don't see how this is different.

Look at Knipe Hall near Penrith. You can get married there and there’s accommodation.

”I see that as it's a getaway for our wedding, we should pay for it, which we're happy to do 😊”

If that’s the case, why were you wanting to know whether you were BU wanting people to contribute? If you can afford it and you’re happy to pay, there’s no question, surely? Normally these things come up because bride and groom can’t afford the wedding they choose without getting guests to fork out.

@Blazingatrail Clearly not read the thread. Travel paid for. Hen/Stag paid for. No wedding presents. All very tidy anyway- never needed a cleaner when we've been away before. 3 chefs, 1 baker, always take turns on our holidays anyway.

Assumption is a bitch, eh. If asking opinions on a hypothetical makes me a CF, then I expect my award in the post already. Jeeeeeeeeeez.

I went to a very small destination wedding for 5 days. I paid for my flight out there, a lovely present, and some meals etc (when not eating at the villa) and that was it.

It cost the bride and groom about the same amount as if they’d had a big wedding i the UK.

If they’d asked me to contribute to staying at the villa, I would have found that awkward as I didn’t have much spare cash back then. I would have felt unable to say no, though.

You can’t ask, sorry.

Either you do the wedding you’re planning and pay for it yourselves, or - if it’s too much - do something smaller.

It sounds lovely though, and congratulations on your wedding day!

For what it’s worth, the very small wedding I went to (about the size of the one you’re planning) was truly very special.

A very large proportion of people on MN do not read more than the first page before commenting.

It is an irritating flaw in its format and is even more so when OPs drip-feed very relevant information.

On paper that wedding sounds really nice. Since it’s only 12 you can ring, person by person, and float the idea. ‘Hi, we’re rethinking wedding due to issues with dm and ds. We’re toying with the idea of incopoating it into a longer break in the Lake District but know that means asking people to spend more time away. We’d roll the hen and stag in. What do you think?’

My only hesitation is the accommodation. Most of these 12 bed places don’t give you enough living accommodation and the bed situation can be less than ideal so I’d want reassurance about that.

From your itinerary I'd probably skip the stag/hen day unless it's very low key.

I think you need to decide if your wedding is a Lakes Holiday that happens to include your wedding day - in which case it's entirely appropriate that people should pay for accommodation, or an extended jamboree.

Both a hen do and a wedding are quite full on in terms of spending time with other people and I'd much prefer the day before a wedding to be a relaxed one where I'm not forced into full on all day interaction with other people. That could just be me though .

Going against the grain here but I don't think you are unreasonable to ask the question. People may be happy to do that.

This is actually along the lines of we are planning to do. Started with thinking abroad which hundreds of people do, invite family and friends to pay for themselves and they readily agree.

If a family member asked me to do this and I was able to of course I would. I think you just have to be expecting that some people may not be able to commit to the money or annual leave.

Side note. We are looking at Cumbria/Lake District now also. Would you mind sending me the venue you have found? Struggling to find places that cater for such small groups!

@flowery I simply wanted to gauge how people would feel if their sister/brother, son/daughter asked them to go away for 5 nights, all inclusive, for around £300 per couple. That's all.

By some of the responses, you'd swear I said if they don't pay they can't come, that they must fund the wedding day, pay silly money to travel and everything inbetween🤭