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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want to get married away from home, and to ask guests to contribute?

349 replies

OrangeAeroBubbles · 31/08/2019 07:52

Previously posted regarding not wanting DSis and DM at wedding, so I guess this is some sort of continuation.
DH(to be!) and I sat down last night and talked about what we really want to do for our wedding. We booked a big venue already, but we just don't want the whole shebang because we're fairly low-key people and it's just not us. Each option we considered ended up falling back on how DSis and DM would find a way to ruin it. Regarding going abroad, I don't do well in warm climates so regular wedding destinations wouldn't be suitable, and as well as that we want DH's grandfather there and I doubt he'd be able to go abroad after recent health issues.

Last night I ended up looking at the Lake District. It's somewhere we said we always wanted to go together, and have found a beautiful venue that caters for intimate weddings of 6-30 people (we have 12 inc. us).
There's an Airbnb 5 minutes from the venue that would host all 12 of us for 5 nights for around £2,000 inc. pool, hot tub and parking. The more we talked about it, the more it felt like 'us' and not once during this discussion did we feel worried about, or even mention, the ways in which DSis or DM could ruin the day.

Aibu to proceed with booking a wedding away from home for these reasons?
Also, WIBU to discuss with our guests about contributing towards the Airbnb? We'd pay for the wedding venue, drinks, food and whatnot for the entire 5 days (it works out at £337.50 per couple for the stay). The guests are all DH's immediate family (with the exception of best man, maid of honour and her partner), no children.

TIA.

OP posts:
Original poster
OrangeAeroBubbles · 31/08/2019 09:29

@SoyDora that's true! We discussed the Lakes because it's somewhere we both wanted to go, and it has a special place in PIL's hearts. I may approach it with a 'we'd like to go away for a few days and get married. If we do, and we chosoe (whatever place) would you be happy to come?'.

Thank you!

OP posts:
Original poster
OrangeAeroBubbles · 31/08/2019 09:32

@madeyemoodysMum No need to say sorry! It was posted here for others to give an honest opinion on the idea, so I knew to expect some backlash or some 'YABU'. I've already said that I'm happy to pay for everything, I just wanted to know if it was unreasonable to ask (not expect) for just accommodation to be paid for as it's what we usually do anyway.

I see that as it's a getaway for our wedding, we should pay for it, which we're happy to do 😊

OP posts:
Zeusthemoose · 31/08/2019 09:33

Imo 5 days is too long. Maybe they agreed to going abroad thinking they would be in the hotel they could choose. What about a weekend? Far more manageable

ddl1 · 31/08/2019 09:33

YANBU to want to get married away from home. YABU in expecting the guests to pay- after all, they would presumably have to pay transport costs to get there in the first place, and unless they're quite rich, £337 is a lot of money.

thatmustbenigelwiththebrie · 31/08/2019 09:35

I don't know where you live but why on earth do people need to be there for five days?

And it's a huge amount of money to ask of people when they could come for the night and it would cost them a fraction of that.

MrsCollinssettled · 31/08/2019 09:37

OP - we booked a venue like that for a big anniversary party. 4 nights rather than 5, but everyone was free to stay as long as they liked. We told them when the big celebration was happening and what meals we were providing. We charged a fixed (and partially subsidised) price for the weekend which worked out at £100 each. We had 30 family stay - mostly for 2 nights although about 10 stayed for the whole thing. Plus we had some extras who just came for the big meal.

What we did though which I think made it work was that we looked for a venue that was central as people would be coming from all over the place, in a location with things that we all liked to do nearby and made it clear that the only thing we wanted everyone together for was the main meal. In the event we hung out at the venue together most of the time but the weather was on our side.

The biggest headache was the sleeping arrangements. We had a limited number of ensuites so had to arrange it so they were allocated to older family members - like grandparents who needed them for health reasons or because they made frequent use of the toilet in the night. Bedrooms were allocated so that only immediate family were sharing bathrooms i.e. siblings or parents with children. That was more difficult than doing the seating plan for a wedding.

There was also space in the accommodation that allowed quiet space for the oldies to catch up with each other as well as space for noisier activity. Importantly there was a big enough space for us all to eat together.

It can work really well and we are planning on repeating it just for the heck of it but you do need to put a lot of effort into the planning and make sure nobody is obliged to stay and participate for every minute of the event.

Original poster
OrangeAeroBubbles · 31/08/2019 09:38

@Sooverthemill with the exception of the Best Man, our entire wedding party (myself and DH included) are not really drinkers! And even then, Best Man doesn't exactly go hell for leather on the alcohol. We're regular 'sit around the garden fire pit with a couple bottles of wine' types, which is the feel I get with having such a small wedding party.

Heck, in saying that, maybe we should do it in the garden. Not sure how I'd feel in my dress though aha.

OP posts:
LatteLove · 31/08/2019 09:38

I don't think it's unreasonable to ask people to contribute to accommodation costs for 1 night, but it would be unreasonable and unnecessary to ask them to pay for 5. Plus it's a lot of annual leave for most people to give up. Why would guests have to be there for so long?

This.

5 nights is madness!

JammieCodger · 31/08/2019 09:39

YANBU.

I would love this, and I really don’t get it that it would be ok for a wedding overseas but not for one in the UK. Particularly given that ‘destination’ weddings would usually cost the guests far, far more than this.

I’d far rather spend time with people I love in the Lakes than in some resort that I’d not choose to go to in a million years. (I’m sure some people must get married abroad in the kind of destinations I like to visit, but I never hear about those ones.)

Janus · 31/08/2019 09:40

I think adding all the days up you would have had as the other option (hen/stag dos, separate wedding) isn’t the same as 5 days together for you all. A hen/stag do is a bit of fun that one or two may even have declined, day each way travelling, one big night out etc. 5 days all together in a lodge with the potential that it may rain for the entire 5 days, not so appealing!
I do like the idea but I think it’s just too long. Can you make it 3 days and you and new husband have the last couple days together in this fab house? I’d think 3 intense days would be lovely and enough for everyone. I know you’d be paying the same whether there’s 2 or 12 of you but you won’t have to feed them for the extra 2 days! Can’t even imagine the catering involved for 12 people! Is everyone expected to turn up with food for 5 days?

I just think you need to shorten and it will be a very special weekend, 5 days is just too long.

madeyemoodysmum · 31/08/2019 09:41

I hope it goes as you want and you all have a great time

Fudgenugget · 31/08/2019 09:41

I think two nights is enough. One before the wedding and one after. If people want to stay longer, then fine, but you pay for 2 nights and they pay the rest, depending on how much time they can get off work.

Ohflippineck · 31/08/2019 09:42

Really don’t understand why so many people agonise over these things.
You don’t want a big shebang? So go away quietly by yourselves, get married on your own and pay for your own holiday.

Original poster
OrangeAeroBubbles · 31/08/2019 09:44

@ddl1 As I've stated numerous times, I do not 'expect' anyone to pay. Also, no, we would cover transport.

We live down south so it would be a couple hours travel and thought that the first night could just be used to settle in/wind down in preparation for a few busy days.
Day 1, settle in.
Day 2, hen/stag do.
Day 3, wedding.
Day 4, spend some time relaxing and enjoying the lakes.
Day 5, lunch together somewhere external to accommodation and then travel home.

That's a kind of idea of how I'd see it. If we cut it down it would be a case of guests travelling all that way and not being able to spend time at the lakes themselves. But again, no expectation of them to have to stay.

OP posts:
TimetohittheroadJack · 31/08/2019 09:48

Who would be making all the food for these 12 people for five days? Clearing up after 12 people? Cleaning the entire place before you leave?

Sockworkshop · 31/08/2019 09:48

Why did you even ask the question then ?Confused

HeronLanyon · 31/08/2019 09:52

So it looks like 4 nights and 5 days. It would only start to make sense to me if it was abroad somewhere (then the travel time and hassle generally would make sense of more nights away). Whilst the Lake District is very lovely I for sure would say no to 5 days for one wedding there ! Its an area I love going to but at my time of year/ suiting my budget and preferences and as my leave situation allows. Seems a huge hassle for a couple who don’t want to make a big thing of it.

You’ve just substituted numbers for huge fuss-on re time and arrangements for everyone surely ???

teachermam · 31/08/2019 09:52

No you can't ask people to pay

Fundays12 · 31/08/2019 09:52

Not most definitely not I wouldn’t even bother to attend no matter how close friends or family it was if I was expected to take 5 days annual leave to go. You cannot ask people to attend YOUR wedding at pay hundreds to do it whilst using pretty much one full weeks annual leave. If you book a wedding away somewhere you need to realise a lot of people won’t attend as they can’t give up the time or afford it.

merrymouse · 31/08/2019 09:53

OP, if you are planning a wedding that includes spending 5 days with your guests, you should have a relationship that won’t break if you have an honest conversation about money.

Original poster
OrangeAeroBubbles · 31/08/2019 09:54

@TimetohittheroadJack there's 3 chefs and myself, a baker/cook, who all take turns cooking for 9 during family holidays anyway.

Regarding cleaning, we're all very tidy people. We stay in lodges every year and never have a problem with cleaning. But, regardless of that fact, the accommodation has a cleaner, too.

OP posts:
merrymouse · 31/08/2019 09:56

BTW, unless you are flying the Lake District is more than a couple of hours away from the South of England.

Catsandchardonnay · 31/08/2019 09:56

Sounds amazing and like it would suit you perfectly. Don’t ask people to pay though. By the way, I’d happily take annual leave if I was important enough to you to be one of the 12.

BarbedBloom · 31/08/2019 09:56

I wouldn't come, it would just be too much money for us. However it could run into issues anyway. If someone has to pull out then does the cost then go up for everyone? Are all the rooms of the same standard? If everyone is paying the same price then it may cause a row if MIL and SIL get the nice double ensuites and another couple is shoved into two single beds etc. I also think you could get people wanting to arrive on different days as well.

You don't get on with MIL and SIL so being stuck with them could be a nightmare. Lastly, I wouldn't want to spend my wedding night under the same room as others. Even if you don't have sex, everyone will be thinking you are

I think you have made the right decision to pay.

LightDrizzle · 31/08/2019 09:58

YANBU!
We had a very small family wedding in London, but we paid for rooms and breakfast for all the guests for the two nights either side, a river cruise with food on the eve of the wedding, and the wedding breakfast including all drinks.

Five days is a big ask in terms of holiday days used and cost.

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