To not speak to my husband over Brexit!

[telvg]

So does anyone virtually want a divorce because their partner agrees with No Deal? I feel like telling my husband, when we have no money and food prices are sky high, or if someone we know can’t get medicine they need, that it’s his fault for supporting Brexit and No Deal. I don’t understand why people are so short sighted and can’t see the bigger picture. Everyone my age (mid 40s) and younger, who went to University, is anti Brexit, or at least anti No Deal. Even the most staunch, Middle Class over 60s, don’t support No Deal. The only ones who do, appear to be uneducated, ignorant or racist, homophonic, sexist etc type people. So why does my husband agree with it? I feel he’s not the man I married. So am I being unreasonable to feel this way?

Oh dear god, who cares if he has a different opinion from you. People are allowed to think differently without making them, wrong, bad, idiots etc.

I’ve culled two people since the referendum for their racist and ignorant views. One family, one not.

Their leave vote was, unfortunately (or fortunately because it has shown their true colours) have a vehicle for them to repeatedly and vocally express xenophobia.

Are you there OP?

@Branleuse

id divorce over it personally. Not even joking.

Me too. I wouldn’t be able to put out anymore.
🛌

Oh dear god, who cares if he has a different opinion from you. People are allowed to think differently without making them, wrong, bad, idiots etc.

Of course but if someones actions have a detremental effect on their partner like say their ability to live/work in a country, reduce their income, cost them their job you perhaps understand why they might be a little bit peeved?

GhostofFrankGrimes you say ‘of course’ but there are a shocking amount of small minded people on here spouting this nonsense, that if you think one way then you’re wrong or ignorant, it’s quite a stupid way to think. I voted remain, most of my family voted leave but good for them, they are entitled to have their opinions - it doesn’t make them wrong just because I don’t agree.

Its not 'nonsense' to be worried about the future/your livelihood. Its not 'nonsense' to be a little irked when the person you are supposed to be able to trust helped bring this situation about.

The thing about brexit is it means different things for people who do and do not understand its implications for trade.

For the huge majority of voters who don't understand international trade (I include myself in this, why should we know about it? Not exactly a fun hobby) then it's a culture war. Openness vs closedness, altruism vs charity begins at home.

For people who do know the technical meaning, there are opportunities in a disaster capitalism sense, even if it proves disastrous for most people. It's possible to be in favour because your vision for society is less about international cooperation and more about ruthless competition.

So not everyone in favour is a boor but unfortunately is sounds like your husband is

I have the same problem OP and sympathise. Its finished off any respect i had for my DP.

It's also not nonsense to think the eu is a scary, unaccountable dangerous project, that has tried to placate the masses with free movement, rail passes and feeding our money back to us with a nice eu stamp on it.

What folks can't discern is the...eu at any cost... Literally, mentality. How utterly terrifying that is.
It's not nonsense to think enough lives have been negatively impacted by the eu, enough is enough.

Free us.

Why don’t you divorce him then, try for all of the perks of marriage while being single in the marital home with all his pension? You can then be surprised when he says na, no deal.... see ya!

Remoaners like you have don’t nothing to help this situation, which has led to this

It's not unreasonable to want to have similar morals to your DH nor to say being pro no deal reflects different morals. We don't know for sure what a no deal brexit would mean but there is plenty of evidence about the risks and an absolute certainty that it will breach the good Friday agreement. So a willingness to risk all the negative impacts of no deal brexit suggests someone's morals do not align well with mine.

Everyone I know who discussed the vote before the referendum (with the exception of my bnp fil) was completely unsure how to vote. They span the breadth of age and education. In the end most of us voted remain. My reasoning was I didn't trust the Conservative party and thought the post brexit chaos would support idealogical changes such as further cuts to the public sector and privatisation of the NHS. I remember discussing with a friend was that our worst case scenario was a brexit recovery led by a right wing Boris Johnson government.

I didn't become staunchly remain until Teresa May's red lines. Parliament haven't been trying to thwart brexit, they've been voting on specific deals and on one side is the desire to minimise shocks to the economy and avoid breaking the GFA, while on the other the desire to make a clean break, as close to no deal as possible. Leavers voted against TMs deal too because a hard core have been pushing for no deal from the start. It is not anti democracy for parliament to have a role in shaping the terms under which we left. The current parliament was voted in after the referendum, democracy allowed everyone to vote for the candidate they felt would represent their interests best. MPs are not some rogue elite unconnected to us, we vote for them.

I thought at the time of the referendum that the only certainty was whoever won would regret it, because there were big concerns on both sides. I don't think the issues around brexit or the anger of remain voters will go away for a long time. Especially if the peace in Northern Ireland collapses. I've yet to see an argument strong enough to justify a return to that.

Cycle, everyone seems to trot out the disaster capitalism stuff, trade.

I see few Remainers on here troubling themselves with criminal capitalisation on freedom of movement shifting girls and women sold into sex slavery, people with low iq sold into slavery all over the eu.

And all the associated crime and misery that comes with all of that.
Maybe like some don't understand the deeper tranches of trade, many also switch off and ignore very obvious negatives of open borders. And very obvious negatives of the eu.

*I'm self confident enough in my own intelligence to not care if people assume leavers are stupid / uneducated / racists / gammon etc, I just assume that the people who have to hurl these insults are just easily influenced and sheep-like, as even if you want to remain or have a second referendum, that's obviously not the way to win the argument.

My friends are mostly remainers but not the shrill, rude ones that insult people because of their political beliefs. The handful of fellow leavers I know are very sharp, well informed, critical thinkers.*

This.

OP - if you are truly struggling with your dh due to Brexit, then talk to people in the real world. Mumsnet is NOT the place to get a balanced, pragmatic view in this area.

Cycle, everyone seems to trot out the disaster capitalism stuff, trade.

Couple of books you might like to read; Blood on the Streets: Investment Profits in a world gone mad - William Rees Mogg and Britannia Unchained - Raab/Patel/Truss et al.

And all the associated crime and misery that comes with all of that.

Leaving the EU isn't going to stop international crime.

I'm not going to get into the rights and wrongs of Brexit, because it doesn't actually matter. This could be any political issue.

You and your husband have radically differing views on a major political issue. Both are mainstream views, in that they are widely held across the electorate. So, neither is an extremist BNP-style ideology (which would change things).

You ask if you ABU to not speak to him because of that difference. Yes. The silent treatment is an unacceptable form of behaviour in any relationship, over any issue. It is a means of exerting control, and 'punishing' a partner over a difference, rather than trying to resolve it. Many regard it as a form of low level abuse.

Your husband is entitled to hold a different opinion to you. It is not okay for you to refuse to speak to him unless he agress with you on a political issue. That is controlling, abusive behaviour.

An adult would agree to disagree. Not stamp their feet because their husband dares to hold his own opinion. Your attitude in your post reveals a lot - you clearly believe that you are intellectually and morally superior to your husband because of the views you hold. That is a toxic mindset, that shows a total lack of respect for the man you chose to spend your life with.

Irrespective of whether you think your position on this issue makes you better than him, you are a lousy partner for the way you are treating him. He's an adult. Respect him as one.

Well if you can’t accept your husband is allowed a different view point of his own, think he should unquestionably agree with everything you think or say, then yes it’s probably better if you get divorced so he can find someone who actually respects his view point.

Early 40s, law degree (with quite a focus on domestic, EU and international constitutional law) professional qualifications, work in financial services. I also think the world population should be tested equally rather than prioritising the mainly white, Christian inhabitants of our own continent.

It’s shame you are so poorly educated that you haven’t got the ability to come up with any original thoughts rather than regurgitating meaningless sound bites in an effort to side yourself with those pretending to be the intellectually and morally superior side.

I think he needs to make a mexit (marital exit). 😂

@tomtom1999xx - we must move in completely different circles, within my family, with my friends & with colleagues it's a fairly major topic of conversation.

All these posters saying "it's only politics", "it's not worth falling out over", "agree to disagree", "just don't talk about politics with your partner", "there's more to life than politics" etc etc...that may be true for you, but why is it so difficult to understand that different things are important to different people? I understand that a lot of people aren't political and I know plenty of intelligent, educated people who have little interest in politics and don't really engage beyond voting in GE's. For those people it probably wouldn't be such a big deal. But if OP is passionate about politics, is politically engaged and has very strongly held beliefs that are important to her and she thought were shared by her DH, of course it's going to be unsettling to discover they're fundamentally opposed on such an important issue. And if you have two people in a marriage who are both passionate about politics then "just don't talk about it" isn't really going to work. I wouldn't want to be in a marriage where I couldn't feel free to discuss issues that were important to me.

If my DH suddenly decided to start voting Tory, for example, I would really struggle with that because I've spent my whole life working with vulnerable families, first in the NHS and then in Education and have witnessed the impact of their policies on the lives of disadvantaged children. So it would make me question his integrity, his values and whether I really knew him as well as I thought I did. That's the position OP currently finds herself in, it's not just about Brexit it's whether she and her DH no longer share the same values.

@SlightlyMisplacedSingleDad

What a wonderful post.

you clearly believe that you are intellectually and morally superior to your husband because of the views you hold - I think this statement might apply to many Mumsnet remainers. (And I say Mumsnet remainers because they do not represent all remainers in real life).

Finerumpus I disagree at no deal will be the fault of remainers. The people who voted against the WA were the ERG (didn’t want the backstop) and labour (whipped by the labour leadership to oppose it because JC wanted a general election, even though the WA wasn’t a million miles from the sort of deal labour wanted ). Many remain MPs voted for the WA and if labour hadn’t been so power hungry we’d be in a much better place now.

you clearly believe that you are intellectually and morally superior to your husband because of the views you hold

In the case of certain views, the above would be correct.

bodgeitandscarper

my son is a Dr of Engineering, working at a high level in industry as a research scientist and believes no deal is the best option. YABU.

I am surprised that your son, and indeed all highly educated folk who share the same views, have not yet realised that there is no such thing as "no deal".

Even if we leave the EU on 31st Oct with no further negotiations, the UK will still need to find a way to get medicines from EU countries to our shores, it will still need to find a way for our pilot's insurance to be valid when landing in EU airports, it will need to find a solution to the issue of the Northern Ireland border, it will need to find a way for our farmers to export meet to EU markets, we will still need to agree a basis on which EU citizens continue to live in the UK, and for Brits in Europe to do the same and decide what will happen to their health cover and pension rights, and countless other examples. All of this will mean having to talk to other EU countries and guess what ... make deals! The crucial difference is that by that point we will be outside of the EU club and so our negotiating will have less leverage.

Utter madness! Husband, you don't have the same view as me, so I'm getting my ducks in a row (eye roll) and leaving you.

Get some perspective for god sake. People are allowed different views and opinions, yes even if they are married to you. My views differ to my wife on many things, that's fine, she is her own person and I respect her for that.