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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not speak to my husband over Brexit!

414 replies

telvg · 30/08/2019 22:38

So does anyone virtually want a divorce because their partner agrees with No Deal? I feel like telling my husband, when we have no money and food prices are sky high, or if someone we know can’t get medicine they need, that it’s his fault for supporting Brexit and No Deal. I don’t understand why people are so short sighted and can’t see the bigger picture. Everyone my age (mid 40s) and younger, who went to University, is anti Brexit, or at least anti No Deal. Even the most staunch, Middle Class over 60s, don’t support No Deal. The only ones who do, appear to be uneducated, ignorant or racist, homophonic, sexist etc type people. So why does my husband agree with it? I feel he’s not the man I married. So am I being unreasonable to feel this way?

OP posts:
VeryQuaintIrene · 31/08/2019 14:44

I feel your pain. I have decided not ever to talk to my Dad (who voted for it) about it after a blazing row we had when I was back from the US in summer. He can't give any proper defense about it except wittering on about sovereignty but he is nearly 83, has an illness that will get him in the end and I love him and would have hated that to be my last memory of a conversation with him. But it is hard!

Finerumpus · 31/08/2019 14:52

Atmos - by your logic, those who voted to remain have supported Fortress Europe and the EU’s treatment of African migrants.

Dapplegrey · 31/08/2019 14:53

Atmos I rest my case. You’ve got in a dig about me supporting racism.
There are anti semites in the Labour Party. Should one not vote labour because in doing so one is endorsing anti Semitism?

Aderyn19 · 31/08/2019 14:56

I don't accept at all that I have endorsed racism. I have every right to make my own political choices without having to factor in the motivations of every other person who may vote the same way as me. I am accountable only for my own behaviour.

Just to add though that I don't think nationalism is a terrible thing - it just means putting what you consider to be the best interest of your own country first. Which most people do when they vote. People throw the word Xenophobic around way too freely imo. People are motivated by self preservation, by wanting to protect their own jobs and resources when they perceive these are under pressure. It's not really the same thing as fearing or hating foreigners.

firstimemamma · 31/08/2019 14:57

Your husband doesn't have to think the same as you.

Back in 2016 I voted remain and my fiancé voted leave. It really was no big deal.

There are bigger things in the world to worry about.

JacquesHammer · 31/08/2019 14:57

It's not really the same thing as fearing or hating foreigners

Except for some people it actually it.

I don’t think that all Leave voters are racist. Similarly it’s foolish to suggest nobody had nefarious motivations for voting leave.

meyouandlulutoo · 31/08/2019 15:00

I will just put my twopenneth in about not being able to get medicine. Over the last 6 years, during which time we have obviously been EU members and before the referendum, one of the medicines on my husband's repeat prescription is invariably unavailable.

derxa · 31/08/2019 15:00

I'm quite hard bitten but yesterday whilst driving I just burst into tears.
The trigger was listening to old 80s and 90s tunes. A time when we didn't have this cloud over our heads. The uncertainty has crippled my business. Shame on all the politicians. Self interested bastards

AtmosClock · 31/08/2019 15:08

Atmos - by your logic, those who voted to remain have supported Fortress Europe and the EU’s treatment of African migrants.

@Finerumpus. I don't think that logic holds. You can make a case that the EU has not been tremendously welcoming to African migrants. But I don't think you can make the case that the opposite side (leavers) were arguing for a more welcoming approach to African migrants.

Atmos I rest my case. You’ve got in a dig about me supporting racism.
There are anti semites in the Labour Party. Should one not vote labour because in doing so one is endorsing anti Semitism?

It's not a dig, but simply a mature, adult recognition of the reality.

Any political movement will have ugly sides, and so I'm not saying you can dismiss an entire political movement on the basis of those ugly elements. But there comes a point where you have to confront whether that ugly side is big enough to mar the movement.

Your case of Labour and anti-semitism is a fair one. At some point, Labour supporters should, as adults, consider whether the way Labour has dealt with anti-semitism is bad enough so that they are complicit.

The same is true of Brexit. You should be mature enough to recognise that Brexit has, in part, been fuelled by xenophobia and racism. And you should take some responsibility for considering whether it is enough to mar the whole project. But it's not mature or serious to shrug it off with a huff and an "oh, you're calling me a racist".

TodayNoMore · 31/08/2019 15:09

AtmosClock I won't reiterate all the core reasons here, other than to mention legal systems, economy, contribution among others. The point being, that even if the few facts and figures I mentioned at the time were all totally wrong, I would have liked counter-facts and figures. Insults don't cut it, and the level of vitriol directed at me, at least from one of the two people concerned, I found quite disturbing.

AtmosClock · 31/08/2019 15:14

@Aderyn19

I don't accept at all that I have endorsed racism. I have every right to make my own political choices without having to factor in the motivations of every other person who may vote the same way as me. I am accountable only for my own behaviour.

I don't think that's a responsible approach to take? Is there no point at which you would refuse to support a political movement based on the wider support for that movement?

People throw the word Xenophobic around way too freely imo. People are motivated by self preservation, by wanting to protect their own jobs and resources when they perceive these are under pressure. It's not really the same thing as fearing or hating foreigners.

If the group they are trying to protect their jobs and resources from are foreigners, it's almost the dictionary definition of xenophobia.

TodayNoMore · 31/08/2019 15:15

I will add that most people I know are reasonable people, regardless of leave or remain. A few leavers now support remain, and vice versa. However, we all get on, we all talk, calmly, hearing each other out even if we disagree, and (with the two exceptions above) I'd hate to think I'd end up falling out with anyone.

Aderyn19 · 31/08/2019 15:36

It is not almost the dictionary definition of Xenophobia though. That's hating people purely because they are from another country and not wanting any immigration rather than taking a view that if there are a finite resources, immigration should plug the gaps.

To answer your first point, I can only decide what I think is right given each individual scenario.

Mintjulia · 31/08/2019 15:40

Your life and marriage are about a lot more than whether we are in the EU or not.
A lot of marriages have two political views, just respect the other person’s right to their view. You don’t have to agree with them.
In reality none of us can be sure what will happen, views are just opinions.

Regardless of where we end up, I reject a world where people are vilified for their thoughts.

RosesAndRaindrops · 31/08/2019 15:49

I can't believe the behaviour of some remainers. Totally batshit. Never known anything like this in my life. You'd think the UK was going to fall off the planet the way they go on

Same, and I voted Remain!
I honestly think some have lost their minds, some of these responses on this thread alone are absolutely Shock
Going NC, saying they'd get divorced, all the insults and assumptions about people I mean WTF.
I'm just hoping it's because feel they can spout off and get rid of their frustrations in anonymity here which is why these threads go beyond batshit!

littlepaddypaws · 31/08/2019 15:52

mint and roses totally agree with both of you, i've said stuff along these lines and you should hear the responses to that, some remainers are totally bat shit, esp on here.

JacquesHammer · 31/08/2019 15:58

Going NC, saying they'd get divorced, all the insults and assumptions about people I mean WTF

Would you remain (pun not intended) in contact with people displaying overtly xenophobic views?

In some ways I’m grateful to Brexit, it’s given a vehicle for people to display their true colours.

Confusedbeetle · 31/08/2019 15:59

SIGH!

BMW6 · 31/08/2019 15:59

So back to the original question OP.

You've got your poll results now, so get your divorce.

FWIW I wish your exDH every happiness

Tomorrowillbeachicken · 31/08/2019 16:00

I think he'd be better off without you tbf

AtmosClock · 31/08/2019 16:13

@Aderyn19

To answer your first point, I can only decide what I think is right given each individual scenario.

And in considering each individual scenario, you have to take in the wider context and currents of that scenario, surely?

Aderyn19 · 31/08/2019 16:37

Sure. But I couldn't not vote for something on the grounds that a small number of people who I don't agree with, were also going to vote for it. I guess in each situation it would hinge on whether I felt those people were a majority or minority influence.
I do not think voting Brexit = selfish, racist. Some people will be, but imo they are the minority.

AtmosClock · 31/08/2019 16:48

It's a fair topic of debate and research how much of Brexit was driven by xenophobia and racism, but IMO, given the infamous "Breaking Point" poster, and polling that suggests that immigration was one of the biggest factor of concern for leave voters, it's hard not to conclude that it was more than a minor factor.

Aderyn19 · 31/08/2019 16:52

Again though, concerns about immigration doesn't equal racist.

Allthemadmen · 31/08/2019 16:58

I think wanting to Remain is also selfish and racist.