Is it me or him?

[Firstedition]

DH have a very loving relationship we only have two ongoing disagreements/arguments.
We both FW, I'm 32 weeks pregnant and we have a dog (which was my idea). I've never liked cleaning and have been always fortunate enough to have a cleaner until not that long ago, so cleaning is definitely something I don't excel at.
The house stinks of dog there's no denying that. Yes, I could do more but I'm either tired or don't feel like it. It doesn't help that I don't like where we live and have no love/pride towards it. I however do things here and there. He usually goes on about how the house isn't clean and it smells. We have opposite working schedules, this only lasts for 6 months, but while it does we only see each other after 6 every day. I feel like he puts me down about it and always end up in tears. Just yesterday for example I said that I hoovered the day before but he just dismissed by saying I used the shitty one rather than the one that works. I also cleaned the kitchen floors, empty the dish washer do the dishes (not always but when I can I do), the laundry (most of the times) and always take out the rubbish/recycling. I just don't think he's being fair on me, but maybe it's the hormones.

It's not nice that I have to live in fear of annoying him

When I annoy him he'll just have a go at me and make me feel useless even if he never means to.

Why are you having a child with this 'man'?

He sounds very lazy and controling. Why are you expected to do all the work? Why would the cost of a cleaner come out of your pay check? Are your expenses not shared? Who is going to pay for baby?

It doesn't sound as if you are properly caring for the poor dog. If the situation is this bad now, I can't begin to imagine how you will cope once baby arrives. Talk to your GP about depression and I agree with pp that it's probably best to rehome the poor dog.

on a side note, you said it was your idea to get a dog, if DH didn't really want the dog, I don't blame him for not wanting to clean up after it.

Our expenses are as shared as they can be. Because of CM/ commuting/ past debts with tax credits he only contributes to 1/3 of our joint expenses. The rest is covered by me. What's left is used to other things but I have the say on how to spend it.

That's how a dog walker would come from my pocket.

Also, have you considered crate training? It can be a positive thing and we found that crate training helped with our dogs toileting? Because he had an area that is his and his only and he didn't want to ruin his own area so he was more inclined to pee outside, again google it and research it and have a talk to your partner, you both have to be consistent when it comes to training so if you like the look of crate training then it's something you can do together!

Again, lots of praise and positive reinforcement is the best way with dogs! They love attention from those they love most! ❤️

Taking a step back, what else do you do with your evenings? You don't leave the house til 7.30 which isn't so early that you can't put a wash on/hoover round before you go out and you're home for around 6?? You're only walking the dog for 30 mins so really not sure where the rest of the time goes. If you got up at 6 you could at least give the dog 20/30 mins before you leave and the same in the evening.

You both sound incredibly lazy and out of touch with what grown up life is like!

Neither of you want to walk the dog, bathe the dog. Through lack of time perhaps. This will get worse when baby arrives. God know why you got rid of the cleaner when both working full time so soon.

Rehome the dog. It is not fair on him, the baby will give you someone to love.

What breed is the dog? How long is it alone each day? Could you pay a dog walker or do you have a friend with a teen you could pay to take the dog for an hour each day? Have you done dog classes?

I would say the first thing to do is properly clean where the dog keeps peeing with an enzyme cleaner. Then back to basics with house training. Concrete stinks when they pee on it and it isn't cleaned, you are rapidly approaching the point where you are devaluing your home because of it. The dog needs taking, every half hour on lead, to the area of garden you want it to toilet. Then give a command, we use 'toilet now'. Reward peeing in the right place.

You need to set up a rota. The dog needs to be walked and trained. 30 minutes walk with some trick training after (depending on breed) will make a difference. Could you get a behaviourist to come to your home to give you some pointers?

If the dog is not toilet trained, ultimately you are going to end up rehoming, and it's not going to be easy to get a new home for a poorly trained adult dog that pees inside. You have about 8 weeks to make a difference! You can do it, but it's going to be hard work.

Btw GP has been useless to deal with depression. They've only offered to up the meds, even though I've told them they've only made me worse so stopped taking them. I had to pay for my own therapy, but frankly it didn't do much difference.

I was in a very bad place in December (to the edge of being suicidal). Things are a lot better now, and part of it is definitely my dog but I still get VERY lonely at times. However no more suicidal thoughts and in a much happier better place all round.

As a couple of PP have said - why not get off mumsnet and go and take the dog for a long walk? You'll both feel better.

Hi OP, seems like you're getting a lot of heat here when in fact you just need advice and support.

Ok so here's my thoughts on making life a little easier:

• Draft a chores rota so you can divide them between you and DP. perhaps include oldest DC and give a little pocket money.
• Also have a little chart for the kids to help with as you've said they are messy and it's good to teach them young to be tidy.
• Research how to house train your Pup. He/she shouldn't be messing in the house when they have access to a garden.
• Be kind to yourself, you're heavily pregnant and can't solve all of these issues on your own.
• Maybe write a letter to your DP explaining how you feel.
• Make more effort to do nice things for each other. Little love notes, make lunch for each other, send poems over text. You don't see each other much so it'll be nice to bring the romance together.

Best of luck.

I've always suffered form insomnia I'm usually awake between 3-4:30. Sometimes closer to six. I use that last hour to get some rest/sleep. Have always been this way.

The dog is semi trained as she doesn't poo/wee inside it's all done outside, just that the outside happens to be a concrete floor.

Yes, I have to walk her more but she's my little ray of sunshine.

So she provides you with comfort but you don't repay that by training her properly, or taking her for enough walks? If that's genuinely the case then you don't deserve to own animals. Their needs come BEFORE yours and whatever you get out of the relationship is secondary to ensuring they are looked after properly.

You will never get the smell of dog Wee out of concrete.
I know people who had to “dig” up a concrete floor after moving in Due to urine. 🤢

As soon as a MW comes round and sees a house that potentially is very unclean and smells of dog wee its going to flag concerns. If you have a a landlord inspection, given that you're allowing your dog to wee in someone else's property then they'd be quite unhappy too I imagine. You are being unfair to your dog by not training and walking it.

You work full time and no doubt are tired from that combined with being pregnant but realistically cleaning a house and doing laundry isn't a triathlon. There are lots of ways to tidy as you go, to make sure other people help, and do bigger jobs on a schedule.

I'm a single mum to 4 with 2 dogs and a full time job, and I do manage my time to make sure everything gets done - there are two of you in your home and you just need to be more organised.

@Whatjusthappenedthere Yeah but OP says it doesn't matter because their renting!

What a lucky landlord.

If you don't like where you are - move. If you have not house trained the dog it is your fault. Wil you be able to cope with a baby?

I was able to cope with a baby with severe post natal depression and and a husband that was more work than a baby, I'm sure I can handle it this time.

We've tried to move but most houses don't have enough rooms or are crippling expensive. The rest won't take dogs.

A fox terrier, particularly one that isn't exercised enough, is going to be very difficult with a baby. My terrier isn't allowed within ten feet of children, they squeal and she's a nippy wee bugger (and massively well exercised, but still not safe with small children). Not a great breed to choose, to be honest, OP.

As to cleaning - he's clearly not going to pull his weight around the house. So lay down the law and TELL him what chores are his, and then don't do them if he doesn't. If he shouts or makes you cry, then that lets you know that he really has no intention of helping around the house, and you would be better off on your own.

I think you should re-home the dog. Honestly, with a baby on the way you will have no time or want to do it if you already can’t now. Also, you need to start cleaning more not because you want to because well, who the fuck wants to clean? But because you have to. I hate cleaning, but I keep on top of it (not necessarily the clutter) because a dirty house is just nasty and miserable to live in. Also, you aren’t going to want to clear out etc when the baby comes so at least start cleaning more. Keep on top of the bathroom, kitchen and floors it’s dirt that is an issue not messiness.

But @Firstedition - you're not coping are you? And it's not going to get any easier

Agree about breed and small kids too. I've wanted a terrier all my life but in the end we opted to get a golden retriever, for temperament reasons.

I'll get my Scottish terrier one day!

Your health visitor is going to have a field day with you two unstable relationship a filthy smelly house with dog pee in it and an "i can't be arsed" attitude you'll be on the social services radar in no time if your not already interesting your alcoholic ex has custody of your DD too OP sure there's more to that than your letting on.....

Agree @Lucafritz - there's a lot going on here.

My DH and I both work FT, rarely getting home until 5pm on a normal day, one of us sometimes much later in the evening. We have two DC's aged 6 and 4 and 4 dogs, as well as various other animals, yet our home is always spotlessly clean and the dogs are walked at least 4 times a day, as in for at least 40 minutes at a time.

Please tell me how you manage this. I never have enough time with young kids. Home at 5pm. Homework. Organise dinner. If both adults walk the dogs 80 minutes a day,, its the equivalent of getting home at 6.30pm at the earliest given you have to change shoes etc. Then dinner, homework, clean house, bed and maybe bath by 8pm assuming the children get up early for school. Presumably one walk is in the morning but that still leaves one adult to do the final walk when the children are in bed. Please share your schedule.

EOW it's my time with her and sometimes I feel bad that I have to spend it cleaning/doing the laundry but I have no choice.

This is so sad. You have over a week to sort your house ready to spend time with a daughter you barely see and yet, you leave the cleaning until she is there. I don’t even care if I’m judging now, what the fuck op? You can’t even prioritise a child that you don’t have full time and yet you got a dog and became pregnant? Sort it out, start cleaning your house and stop making excuses. Have a suitable home to bring a baby into, poor child.