Is it me or him?

[Firstedition]

DH have a very loving relationship we only have two ongoing disagreements/arguments.
We both FW, I'm 32 weeks pregnant and we have a dog (which was my idea). I've never liked cleaning and have been always fortunate enough to have a cleaner until not that long ago, so cleaning is definitely something I don't excel at.
The house stinks of dog there's no denying that. Yes, I could do more but I'm either tired or don't feel like it. It doesn't help that I don't like where we live and have no love/pride towards it. I however do things here and there. He usually goes on about how the house isn't clean and it smells. We have opposite working schedules, this only lasts for 6 months, but while it does we only see each other after 6 every day. I feel like he puts me down about it and always end up in tears. Just yesterday for example I said that I hoovered the day before but he just dismissed by saying I used the shitty one rather than the one that works. I also cleaned the kitchen floors, empty the dish washer do the dishes (not always but when I can I do), the laundry (most of the times) and always take out the rubbish/recycling. I just don't think he's being fair on me, but maybe it's the hormones.

You’re just full of excuses OP. You both sound lazy and can’t be bothered to look after the dog. How do you think the rest of us manage?

I never said I wasn't. It's more if he should complain so much and make me feel this way when he doesn't do much himself.

I don't think it's fair to end up all teary for something that neither of us out enough effort but I'm the one that ends up feeling useless and inadequate.

Honestly it’s because he believes it’s your job to keep the house clean. It’s also your choice to have a dog and he doesn’t want responsibility for it.
He is a misogynist, and he does know that ranting about the state of the house makes you cry. It doesn’t stop him from repeating that behaviour does it? No matter how he says it wasn’t meant to upset you afterwards.

So he is loving and nice when you are a good girl and clean the house. Otherwise he punishes you by shouting, making you feel useless and undermining your self esteem.

My honest opinion is that the dog needs rehoming. Currently the dog is meeting your emotional needs for affection but you aren’t meeting the dogs needs. That is selfish. Once the baby arrives your ability to care for the dog will be even more restricted. Be kind and put the dog first.

I also doubt that your partner will be much help with the baby but become more annoyed that you are on mat leave and not spending ever hour cleaning.

Good luck op you need it.

Ever - every

I'm a dog owner and I absoutely adore that dog, so I do get that. However, between us we loved dogs so much that we only got one when we were able to accommodate it's needs, and did so once my husband retired early. So he's home with the dog and takes her out in the day, and I give her a second walk when I'm home from work.

The dog should be trained by now, otherwise you're doing something wrong. Have you tried a crate?

If you can't look after a dog, no matter how much you love it, if you can't care for it, you shouldn't have one. And a baby on top? If you can't manage the dog you definitely can't manage a baby.

Why on earth do you have a dog when you can't meet it's basic needs?

It's not good enough that you'll only walk it more when you're on maternity - it needs to be out everyday for a minimum of an hour - ideally more for a young terrier.

"I can't be bothered" just isn't good enough.

She does get one walk, I'm aware she should get another one and I will once I go on ML.

Not when you go on ML....NOW!!!! When you go on ML you'll be saying you're too busy with the baby, as you no doubt will be.

The dog needs rehoming, you're not able to cope with the children you have and are going to have, be kind to the dog and let it go to people who can care for it properly.

I've managed a baby before, so I know I can manage that again.

If she had access directly to the garden (rather than that hallway/corridor) most of that issue would be solved. It was proven when we were staying in a farm. She would tell us when she needed to be out and over more than a week we had no accidents whatsoever.

We would also walk her tons and it was lovely!

When we got her things were supply to work. I would take her three times a day during my working day and I'd play with her and walk her for one hour. She got banned because she was too playful, not because she made a mess.

He was supposed to then take her to work but because her recall was so bad he never took her.

She doesn't make any mess inside the house, we need to find a solution rather than pass the ball and if it involves getting a walker well we'll have no choice, at least until I go on ML.

I don’t think this is about the dog really it’s about a relationship that isn’t really working but both are in denial about it, but with a dog, a baby and 3 other kids involved which just makes it very messy

Yet another dog thread on here with a family who doesn’t really want to put the hard work in because they have other things to do. babies are also hard work and you will soon have one of those too!

I suppose from my POV this is chicken and egg - was this already what you were both like when you met and if you were both single would the house still be a stinky mess? Or has this got this way because you have too many DC/working hours/pet responsibilities and no one is coping and you don’t know how to work as a team?

You don't love the dog. You have the dog for your needs but it's needs aren't being met. Basically the dog can have a shit life where you are concerned. If you would care about the dogs wellbeing you would either make it a good clean fun active life for the dog or rehome it to someone who can.

I'm glad you don't have your kids more than EOW, you sound bloody irresponsible, if I'd know you I would call SS. I don't believe for a second that you can take good care of that baby, you can't even clean a kitchen or walk a dog! You sound very neglectful of everything in your life. Stop posting on MN and do something.

This is not a good relationship OP.
Surely you can see that.

With my first I was walking most of the day and I expect the same this time. Yes, all babies are different but I know I will.

My poor dog is not the issue here really. Is just that I do t think it's reasonable to.be put down by someone who doesn't do much himself when he has no excuse , apart that it should be a "joint effort".

If you're financially supporting him and his kids, what's the plan for when you're on ML?

And you say you'll walk the dog when you're on ML - but unless the dog's life expectancy is less than a year, that doesn't really solve your problem, does it?

They've told me at work she'll be able to come back once she stops being a puppy. She just had a very bad period of being very very loud and playing with the French bulldog around the office as much as it was entertaining it was also very distracting.

I have savings for my ML.

No matter how much you love the puppy, if your home is not the best place for it, you need to seriously consider rehoming, OR, changing your lifestyle so that you are the best place for your dog - I.E - walking more regularly, having someone come in to walk the dog regularly etc. I can understand that when you're really lonely the thought of giving up a companion can be really terrifying, but there are other ways to tackle loneliness and keeping a dog in an unsuitable home because of your loneliness just isn't fair.

This. Keeping the dog for your own wants is selfish and if you loved the dog you'd do right by her and rehome her. You are not taking care of her properly and this will only get worse with a baby.

Plus in one of your posts you said she has free access to the house and garden and in another you've just said

Oops posted too early - you've also said "If she had access directly to the garden (rather than that hallway/corridor) most of that issue would be solved. "

Which is it?

Obviously your OH needs to do more and stop making you feel bad, but that's a different issue.

Yes she has free access to the whole house and garden. The garden has to be accessed through that corridor where she pees. How is that a contradiction?

So you earn more (work more hours?), do all the work with the dog/house (even if not enough) and he sometimes looks after his own kids and criticises you? And you are heavily pregnant with his baby.

Doesn't sound that loving.

You keep repeating the question of whether or not it’s fair to be put down by someone who does nothing themselves when it should be a joint effort.

Well blatantly it isn’t fair. But without challenging the dynamic of your relationship and actually having a calm discussion with him about roles and responsibilities it means nothing.

Your dp isn’t being fair.

More importantly (given that you pay the majority of the money, and do all the wifework yet get blamed for everything) what are YOU going to do about it?

@ElektraUnchained not exactly but yes more or less correct. He looks after his DC when they're with us, and helps with mine with school runs and packed lunches.

I own a BTL thus the extra income and also work a couple of hours during the weekend.

I've challenged it a million times. Yes it always goes back to the same "it's a joint effort / team work". Yes, he sometimes helps, we'd need an outsider to see who actually does more but at least I always do the rubbish and recycling, that's my chore and I take ownership of it. Just like I do most of the laundry (although he gets annoyed I don't put it away immediately) and do all the shopping.

I'm not very confrontational because o prefer to stay calm, but for the first time I do t want to go home to him. I know I'm probably overreacting but I just thought this whole argument was a thing of the past.

Can you manage to pay for 1 deep clean, it's much easier to maintain after this.

Not the point but seeing each other after 6 is 100% normal. Why don’t you get another cleaner? Look up the organised mum on Instagram she has great tips for keeping on top of things. Also I agree with everyone saying what is he doing? Instead of putting you down why isn’t he pulling his weight, can you divide up the jobs so you are both doing your share?

She is only weeing there because it smells like her wee and she thinks it’s her toilet area now. Get rid of the smell and don’t let her in there where possible

In an honest question could you cope with working full time, 2 kids and a dog by yourself?

If the answer is yes you could and you would be happier perhaps the answer to this is that he lives elsewhere until he is ready to be an active participant in your family home life

The rubbish, the shopping and the washing that you don't always do a full job on? They are the minor tasks. You could've ordered your shopping to be delivered from now until Xmas the time you've spent on this thread.

You say you've a hectic schedule yet you're home by 6 every day and get EOW and half the week child free? You need to walk your dog, clean up and take responsibility