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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Is it me or him?

189 replies

Firstedition · 30/08/2019 09:17

DH have a very loving relationship we only have two ongoing disagreements/arguments.
We both FW, I'm 32 weeks pregnant and we have a dog (which was my idea). I've never liked cleaning and have been always fortunate enough to have a cleaner until not that long ago, so cleaning is definitely something I don't excel at.
The house stinks of dog there's no denying that. Yes, I could do more but I'm either tired or don't feel like it. It doesn't help that I don't like where we live and have no love/pride towards it. I however do things here and there. He usually goes on about how the house isn't clean and it smells. We have opposite working schedules, this only lasts for 6 months, but while it does we only see each other after 6 every day. I feel like he puts me down about it and always end up in tears. Just yesterday for example I said that I hoovered the day before but he just dismissed by saying I used the shitty one rather than the one that works. I also cleaned the kitchen floors, empty the dish washer do the dishes (not always but when I can I do), the laundry (most of the times) and always take out the rubbish/recycling. I just don't think he's being fair on me, but maybe it's the hormones.

OP posts:
AmIThough · 30/08/2019 11:02

Why do you have to choose between walking the dog and cleaning the house? Wtf?

Why are you having a child when you can't even look after a dog?

Bhappy12 · 30/08/2019 11:02

There are elements of this post that I can really sympathise with, OP.

I'm also 32 weeks pregnant (congrats, by the way!) and have two dogs - one of them has very recently decided they only like to pee on the concrete just outside our back door. I use a spray bottle filled with 2 parts white vinegar and one part water daily which helps with the smell and saturate the concrete with a vinegar and water mixture every now and again, scrub the concrete and let it dry naturally we now don't have any smell of dog pee (we're also working on retraining the dog, but she's old and a bit of a slow learner!) - you can also buy cleaner that works really well on concrete - Pro-Kleen Kennel is a favourite with other people that have this issue that I know (It's sold on Amazon).

In the long term, it sounds like the dog needs a lot more exercise, to be honest - I know it can be really hard to be motivated to do it, especially when it's raining or whatever, but 30 minutes is not enough of a walk for most breeds. If a dog is well exercised it will cope better with being left alone, but realistically, you need to consider if your home is the best place for the dog. No matter how much you love the puppy, if your home is not the best place for it, you need to seriously consider rehoming, OR, changing your lifestyle so that you are the best place for your dog - I.E - walking more regularly, having someone come in to walk the dog regularly etc. I can understand that when you're really lonely the thought of giving up a companion can be really terrifying, but there are other ways to tackle loneliness and keeping a dog in an unsuitable home because of your loneliness just isn't fair.

As for the house issues - I think you need to chat to DH and explain that you are not solely responsible for the housework, and that whilst you acknowledge that you need to do more, you also feel that he needs to do his fair share, too. A rota might really help with this - write a list of what needs doing in each room, and how often, and then decide who will do what. Rotate jobs/rooms if needed, or, split them into specific jobs so you each know exactly what you're responsible for.

When we first moved into our current house I struggled to find the motivation to clean it constantly because I felt similarly to you about a lack of pride/joy at living in the house (it was a REAL fixer-upper, still is - and I HATED it) so I often let stuff that wasn't as obvious slide, which made the house messier, which made me feel worse etc etc. But I found that by doing a really deep clean/tidy/organise of one room helped me to regain my sense of pride and happiness and we both felt a lot more motivated to maintain that room (we also got rid of a lot of clutter that helped, too). DH and I cleaned, organised and tidied each room in turn like this together (usually on one of the few days we get to see each other- we, too, are currently not seeing each other much due to work) and we both felt a lot better for it. Is this something you could suggest? Perhaps you could paint the rooms or rearrange the furniture to make the room feel new and fresh? That might help you to feel more motivated to keep it well maintained.

Wonderland18 · 30/08/2019 11:04

It shouldn’t really be choose between walking the dog and doing some cleaning either, half an hour for each at night isn’t a big ask.
If it’s time spent together your missing out on make DH come walks with the dog with you. Sounds like at the moment you both do equal about the house. Do equally more then

Nanny0gg · 30/08/2019 11:06

What does he do with his free time? You said you did have weekends together?

Do you have his children over too?

And sort out the hallway. Animal pee us disgusting. Lucky for you it's not cat pee. You'd never get rid of that.

midsummabreak · 30/08/2019 11:07

Interested what your Dh would answer , if confronted that he needs to step up. Could you please have a look at and answer badgermushrooms question

elvis86 · 30/08/2019 11:09

It's evident that you're just the kind of person who is idle and full of excuses, OP.

You and your partner only have your daughter 50% of the time and can't look after your dog and keep your house straight. How on earth are you going to cope with a baby?
I don't know why you've posted here.

sillysmiles · 30/08/2019 11:13

OP your posts are so frustrating to read. You need to start making your dog a priority. She gets taken outside - physically get up and take her out into the garden - first thing in the morning and last thing at night. She needs to be walked twice per day a minimum of 30 minutes each time.
You need to realise that the dog didn't chose you, you chose her and it is now your responsibility to stop treating her as a second priority to cleaning and how you feel.
This comes from the position of someone who has a do, works full time and commutes 2 hours per day.
I have a dog. He gets walked rain or hail, whether you are sick or not. It's not a decision to make every morning. It's a non negotiable.

hellsbellsmelons · 30/08/2019 11:13

It's not nice that I have to live in fear of annoying him
It is not good to be living in fear.
What happens when you annoy him?
What do you fear?
Are you scared of him?
Because that is not a good atmosphere to bring a baby into.

cccameron · 30/08/2019 11:15

What type of dog is it?

Firstedition · 30/08/2019 11:16

I was able to raise my DD pretty much on my own as his dad genuinely didn't move a finger and had to collect beer cans a lolli sticks all the time.

We also have his children half the time. So for half the month we have a house with three very messy children.

He actually has no excuse, he never has one and he just says it's a "joint effort" when I dont see that.

On his free time (when he's working over the weekends) he's a stay at home dad but doesn't do any cleaning either. He's been sick, tired, did the garden once or twice and that's it. I also work over the weekend to bring extra cash.

The truth is both of us are full of excuses but I don't attack him and tell him it's his fault, I acknowledge my part and have improved over time.

OP posts:
AmIThough · 30/08/2019 11:18

How old is your DD?

Just draw up a rota with DH and learn to walk the dog.

Firstedition · 30/08/2019 11:18

She's a fox terrier btw. When I annoy him he'll just have a go at me and make me feel useless even if he never means to.

OP posts:
Firstedition · 30/08/2019 11:20

Together we have a three children between 9 and 13

OP posts:
zofloraexplora · 30/08/2019 11:21

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Zaphodsotherhead · 30/08/2019 11:23

Terriers are notoriously hard work. I have one and she's very labour intensive, even though I'm around her for much of the day. They need a LOT of exercise, as do any working breed dog kept as a pet.

I have to run mine for six miles plus per day when I'm off to work, otherwise she's a destructive menace, and she's five. Give yours more work, and some training to engage her brain. And the same with your DH.

elvis86 · 30/08/2019 11:24

Great. Three kids that you can't even manage part time, and it sounds like you struggle to make ends meet - so naturally you decide to add a dog and another baby. Confused

angieloumc · 30/08/2019 11:26

You really are neglecting your dog; it's cruel to not actually take her out into the garden instead of just letting her go in this 'passageway', I'm sure that is quite distressing for her.
Most people manage to keep a clean house and work when they have children; you only have yours half the time! I don't particularly think it's just down to you to keep the house clean but i couldn't live in what appears to be squalor so I would just do it.
I feel sorry for your dog, and your children, it seems a bit of a chaotic lifestyle imo.

Cath2907 · 30/08/2019 11:28

Poor dog :(

They need 2 walks per day, minimum 30 minutes each. Every single day. I know how tough it is as I have a dog and a kid and a full time job. If you can't walk the dog then pay for daycare or a dog walker. You will struggle to toilet train the dog if it is accustomed to peeing in the hallway and you aren't around all day.

Firstedition · 30/08/2019 11:31

She can actually tell the difference between outdoors and indoors. She never weed nor poopped inside when we were on our holiday. She hasn't destroyed anything apart from the odd shoe.

She does get one walk, I'm aware she should get another one and I will once I go on ML.

OP posts:
Outnumbered99 · 30/08/2019 11:38

In addition to all the posters above I also notice you started with "a very loving relationship" but have also mentioned more than once how scared you are of upsetting your DP? Is there more going on here OP?

Inebriati · 30/08/2019 11:38

You need to take her outside and encourage her to pee there, then praise her like mad when she does. First thing in the morning, last thing at night and several times during the day. Its not enough to just leave the door open.

elvis86 · 30/08/2019 11:45

You need to take her outside and encourage her to pee there, then praise her like mad when she does. First thing in the morning, last thing at night and several times during the day. Its not enough to just leave the door open.

There will be a myriad of reasons why this just isn't doable for the OP.

It's probably a choice between driving her daughter (who only lives with her for half the week) to a club or standing in the garden for 5 minutes with the dog - she can't split herself in 2. And she works full time. And she's pregnant.

Firstedition · 30/08/2019 11:53

I never said it wasn't doable. I just said I have a very hectic schedule (not all the time I agree) and someone complaining about it and not doing much about it regularly. Just that makes me extremely discouraged.

I hate that he makes me cry but he takes it out on me and how inadequate I am. Not only about the cleaning, but repetitive meals too.

When I don't tell him anything about me putting all the effort financially, subsidising him (and his children). Yes, he's loving most of the time, and yes I sometimes I don't do enough (nor does he) but I can accept that I could do more and stil he goes on and on about it. He just can't see that he makes me feel like crap and it affects me for days.

I feel like I give sometimes so much and in the end of something triggers him it all goes to hell because the house isn't clean enough and just turns round and says it wasn't targeted at me but the damage had already been done.

OP posts:
Bookworm4 · 30/08/2019 11:54

45 mins to clean/tidy a tiny kitchen?
All you do is make excuses, most of us have kids permanently wrecking the place!
You both are lazy and full of excuses, why you got a dog I don’t know, god help the poor baby. Your HV/midwife when they visit will say something if the house is a stinky mess.
www.facebook.com/groups/530295060412802/?ref=share
Get in touch with these people as your dog needs a better home because at the minute she’s got a miserable life.

Inebriati · 30/08/2019 11:57

OP, stop subsidising your DH, he doesn't appreciate it. He shouldn't be making you feel inadequate, thats not how adults communicate.

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