Is it me or him?

[Firstedition]

DH have a very loving relationship we only have two ongoing disagreements/arguments.
We both FW, I'm 32 weeks pregnant and we have a dog (which was my idea). I've never liked cleaning and have been always fortunate enough to have a cleaner until not that long ago, so cleaning is definitely something I don't excel at.
The house stinks of dog there's no denying that. Yes, I could do more but I'm either tired or don't feel like it. It doesn't help that I don't like where we live and have no love/pride towards it. I however do things here and there. He usually goes on about how the house isn't clean and it smells. We have opposite working schedules, this only lasts for 6 months, but while it does we only see each other after 6 every day. I feel like he puts me down about it and always end up in tears. Just yesterday for example I said that I hoovered the day before but he just dismissed by saying I used the shitty one rather than the one that works. I also cleaned the kitchen floors, empty the dish washer do the dishes (not always but when I can I do), the laundry (most of the times) and always take out the rubbish/recycling. I just don't think he's being fair on me, but maybe it's the hormones.

@Witchinaditch I know that's normal. But seven days a weeks surely is not so normal? We basically get no time together when fully rested to tackle the house.

Maybe we should look into getting someone to properly do it, instead of waiting for us/him to do it, but I'm afraid he'll think that's the easy way out and things won't change.

If you wanted the dog and he accepted it, then the primary responsibility is yours. You are acting like a child, wanting a dog but not the responsibility.

If you have tried and nothing changes then you have 2 options

1. Carry on as you are. Accept that the housework, childcare and pet care are your responsibility. Accept that he will blow his stack when things aren’t done. This is how your life is.
2. Leave him and take full responsibility for your own life. Yes the kids, house and cleaning are still there but you don’t have another adult shouting at you because things aren’t done to his standard. Same problems but no man bullying you and making you feel like crap.

I know which I would choose (because I did leave a man very similar to your dp. In addition mine was a very angry man, and quite controlling too).

I like doing the shopping! It's one of the things I enjoy. The point is that we BOTH need to do it. Until we do I think both of us will continue to feel this way.

The chores you do could literally be done by the DCs - they take 5 minutes. I think you're being lazy and ridiculous.
So is your DH.

My dog has been a massive part of my recovery from a breakdown basically, so I get what you're saying OP about your dog and mental/emotional health. It's a huge thing to rehome a dog (for them) so I would try anything else you can first. There's so much you could do. Could you afford a dog walker or - if not one of the proper business ones - I often see local teenagers advertising dog walking or sitting as a service where I am? Also "Borrow My Doggy"on Facebook - a friend has a couple who take her dog for walks a few times a week and another person who takes him out as well once a week. She works similar hours to you. Could you reach an agreement with your partner about walks for the dog and divide them up? Your dog needs more walks - that's clear from your posts. The peeing problem will likely disappear if you can sort the exercise issue.

Housework is causing arguments for you, so best thing might be to make a list of jobs to do, and split them. It really does work if both of you agree and stick to it. Tell him you are sick of falling out over it and can you try this now. I am a terrible procrastinator (really f*ing awful) and so in addition to a rota and list have to set timers for myself to get things done - so 20 mins for the kitchen or whatever. It's amazing what you can get done but for some reason I need the pressure of the timer or it all goes to shit and I find myself 8 hours later still pissing about on here. I think that anyone can benefit from some sort of rota/list if you're finding housework is getting on top of you and you're not that Zoflora woman that everyone on MN goes on about - Mrs something or other. I forget her name.

It sounds like your partner and yourself are actually quite similar in that neither of you are going to win neat freak of the year anytime soon. Given that, he shouldn't be criticising you for things he's guilty of himself. But that's what a lot of folk do isn't it - the thing that annoys us most about ourselves is the thing we have a go at others for doing/not doing. My partner is a hoarder (I'm only staying with him as it might FINALLY be his time post-Brexit. KIDDING. not totally kidding we have 8 shoeboxes of half used batteries but has a go at our kids for their collections of toys being messy, etc.. But I think a rota or list of chores might solve things and the peeing problem can be resolved with a bit of work making arrangements for DDog.

You both sound lazy to be fair

Grim. You both sound incredibly lazy. How do you think literally everyone else manages?

You have to be one of the most passive posters ever.

It can be really bad for dogs skin and coat to bathe them so often (depending on the breed) their coats require their natural oils to help nourish the fur and skin, often bathing the dog more regularly can make the smell worse especially as you will notice the difference more, different breeds should be bathed differently but on average dogs should have 3/4 baths per year. I have a Rottweiler who seasonally sheds twice a year and needs regular grooming and brushing but is recommended to be bathed 2/3 times a year! Again, depends on the breed and type of dog (indoor/outdoor, active/lazy etc).

I'm not an expert by any means it was just some research we did when we got our dog, having a big dog does mean you can smell the dog in the house, but we regularly open all the doors and windows and have several motion sensor air fresheners to try to help but on the whole the dog isn't too bad and we get complimented on our air freshener more often than complaints about the dog,

where does your dog sleep? Could that be a contributor?

If she pees in your utility area could you try going back to pads, and watch her like a hawk outside and on the off chance she pees outside go crazy with praise and rewards and treats/toys to make her want to continue doing it again! Dogs toilet train differently and it took our boy a year to get it properly bless him,

If you find the dog smell is the main thing we have motion sensor air fresheners, we also have a freshening spray bought from pets at home, it's like a lightly scented conditioning spray that's recommended for their fur, they have various brands; instead of bathing her so much you could spray on and brush it into fur and that's it, fresher smell and healthy coat ☺️ we also buy a febreeze spray for the sofa and cushions and stuff? It's a pet specific one and it's like a fabric spray, I usually spray it on when we do a deep clean vacuum the sofa then spray on again and leave.

Also, I'm 39+6 pregnant and honestly I can barely move so my partner has done lots of the cleaning the main bulk of it, I've done light cleaning dusting and surfaces etc and my partner has done the bulkier things like vacuuming and the stairs and stuff, why don't you try doing something like that then once your baby is born you could get a proper Rota for it? I think everyone has things they are good at doing, I'm amazing at cleaning kitchens and bathrooms I love scrubbing them and making them shiny, but laundry is not my thing at all I hate it, my partner hates cleaning the bathroom, so that's where our jobs come from, I can't wait to get back on track once baby is here, you could try something like that.

I'm no expert so if anything I've said is wrong please let me know my info only comes from google and personal experience lol, but I hope I can offer some comfort and advice and the tips for getting rid of doggy smell! Hope it helps and wishing you the best of luck ❤️ congrats on baby also! ❤️

Thank you @ThirstyGhost you sound a lot like me. I know that we need to come with a division of tasks and a dog walker.

Plus he has to stop making me feel like crap.

I normally don't accuse people of laziness but you do both sound lazy. And you both don't need to be home at the same time to clean the house. Make a list, split it up, and clean. The fact you feel you have to choose between taking the dog for a walk and cleaning is nuts to me. It's not hard to do both. Both of you need to get it together for your kids, baby, and your poor dog.

@Kaiser1805 yes that helps! He was also adamant that she needed bathing twice a month at the very least because the other dogs at his workplace are washed every other week. I had to point out the KC page that she only needs once a month at most.

She generally doesn't smell, it's the outside that does.

You need to write a list of chores and properly divide them up as a couple, allocating each chore to a person 50:50 (or perhaps more like 60:40 to him since you're quite heavily pregnant).

Why does he moan to you about repetitive meals? I get that you do the shopping, but does he do half the cooking? If not, perhaps he'd like to start?

Fully rested?! God only knows when I was last that, so if you can’t clean until then, you’ll be waiting a long time!

Your relationship sounds highly dysfunctional; you shouldn’t be living in fear of his reaction if you haven’t done something BUT you do sound like you just want to make excuses for everything. I hate cleaning, and don’t do as much as a lot of people, but my house is reasonably ordered, jobs are kept on top of and my dog is walked AT LEAST twice a day EVERY. SINGLE. DAY. You need to get yourself organised, write a timetable and crack on. Oh, and your partner should be pulling his weight too obviously.

I think the cooking is fairly split 50/50. The repetitiveness comes from trying to feed different children with different tastes (same with the adults) so I cook things that I know my DD will eat (and his DC too) but I know they've complained about it.

The thing is that they like certain things that we don't and vice versa. That has been solved to an extent after I was forced to eat something I did t want to eat at all, but had to because I'm the adult.

So now, we cook things we know his kids will like when mine isn't around and if I truly don't like it, then I can have something slightly different. The same goes for him.

How will you be able to afford a dog walker if you can't afford a cleaner? Please give your dog a new home. Then you can use the money for a cleaner and take a whole heap of pressure off yourself.

Lets forget the dog for a moment.

Most people do not clean because they like it, they clean because they HAVE TO. You have a child on the way and would rather live in squalor because you don’t excel at cleaning Grow up!!
Set aside an hour every day to do the little things, ask DH to do the same get in to a routine that involves making sure your house is habitable for a child of all ages! Your health visitor will not hesitate to point out the mess of your house.

I would recommend getting rid of the dog also. If you cant control where it does its business now, just wait till there is a baby. Dog’s get jealous too. Get your priorities straight.

sorry, you both sound workshy.

Why did you get a terrier of all the dog breeds? Terriers need lots of exercise and stimulation. Rehome the poor bored thing and get a retired greyhound or similar. I'm sorry but if you won't walk the dog you can't simply say you can't afford a dog walker, that's admitting you can't afford to meet the dog's BASIC needs, in which case you really shouldn't have a dog! But it's all about you...I love the dog, I'm lonely without the dog. If you really loved the dog you would be making sure its basic needs are met. I couldn't really care less about you and your husband in all of this, you both sound bloody useless.

In between all the ranters, there is some good advice in here. So I'll add to it - the dog will be easier to train than the husband, so I'd start there. Work on cleaning the smell else that's just another "pee here, doggo!" signal. Maybe try a crate or pads as if she's totally new to the house. Reward her hugely for peeing in the garden. She could do with another walk if you can get it in, and it seems like a mental block for you. Half an hour whizzes by with a dog and a good route round a block or two.

As for training you/the husband, make a list. Work out what's most important and go from there. Ban complaining about mess. It doesn't solve anything and you both have the eyes to see the house is messy. He needs to get a grip and realise it's not fair to have a go at someone else when he's the one who's unhappy. He's choosing to be annoyed rather than pitch in.

I don't think you're being unreasonable about DH in the sense that he really needs to pull his weight. But you are being unreasonable in expecting problems to sort themselves out or in thinking that any of this is unresolvable. Train yourself to be a little more stubborn! Pick one thing you'll fix for a whole week - one particular surface (dining table? Kitchen counters) that you'll keep tidy. Focus on that. Keep it clean, whatever you need. And then that will become normal. Add something else (sweep the floors every other day???) and make that new thing a priority, until that becomes part of the routine...etc. The dog smell will fade when cleaning and tidying happens more regularly. And fixing the pee concrete.

It's easy for things to fall out routine. The problem is that neither you nor DH seem to realise it's just that...routine. If you don't like how the house looks, its relatively easy to fix it if you stick with it.

Quick win: Why do you have two vacuum cleaners if one doesn't work? Ditch the useless one and bam, argument solved. Only use the one that works.

We could afford a cleaner if we really wanted to, but that's not the point we should do stuff around the house. I do t have to pay for what it's partly his laziness too. Dog walker is different I'm putting the welfare of my dog first. That I can see now.

Neither of you exell at cleaning, so what, get a schedule written up so both of you do your share.
You are having a baby, time to act like adults and get the jobs done.
That poor dog needs a new home if neither of you are willing to put in the work.
You think it's bad now wait til the kids are here, the mess is worse. So get used to tidying up and then mopping and hoovering. It needs doing often. No one actually likes doing it, it's a job and it's yours and your partners job to do.

DP sounds like a dick
Yes you probably shouldn't have a dog but I don't think it's helpful to say get rid. Dogs are a commitment.

So what I would so
Get a chore chart- a full list of what needs to be done daily; weekly; monthly
Break it down. That includes cooking, individual room cleaning or type of cleaning. (E.g. hoovering) dog walking. Everything. Look online for a list of chores on one of those superorganiser website.
Populate with who does what and when. And if it's no one then write no one.
Then go through it with 'd'p. See if he agrees with frequency.
And then point out his name is just against bins!
Divide chores or say what you need to pay someone to do.
It's a bit of work but worthwhile.

Bless you, dogs should only be bathed 3/4 times a year, it sounds crazy but they need the natural oils in their skin and fur to help it stay healthy, brushing they can need quite regularly depending on fur type, but actual bathing is a couple times a year, if you google it you can show your partner lol, but like I said a good scented conditioning spray you can spray on and leave and it might really help!

With regards to cleaning, find your forte! I'm awesome at kitchens and bathrooms and my partner is fab at the laundry and the washing up, find what you're both good at and go from there ☺️

Try the pets at home spray and the febreeze furniture spray and see how you get on! ❤️

With regards to walking pup, build it up bit by bit, different breeds require different things so have a google and see what's best for your breed, we found we were walking our dog way too much and had to cut it back, he's prone to elbow and hip problems so now we split his walk into several shorter walks instead of big long ones and we limit him doing up and down stairs because of the strain on his joints, your dog may be okay with one hour long walk, she may need 3 20min walks like our dog does, see what your breed needs and what will be good for her, every dog is different! ❤️ it might mean waking up half hour earlier to squeeze in a quick 15 min walk and doing a 45 min walk in the evening, but have a look at what's good for her joints and muscles, and if you need more info honestly google away! That's what we did we googled every little thing! I'm not sure if you have Facebook or not, but often on Facebook there are groups for specific breeds you can join, we are in a Rottweiler Facebook group and it's really good for getting info on different topics and learning more about them! We didn't even know our dog was supposed to be limited when it comes to going up and down stairs! But that's what we found out! Dogs are about you learning about them and them learning about you! See if there's a Facebook group or something you could join?

Hope this helps again! ❤️