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AIBU?

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Original poster

To be furious about my wedding

807 replies

Itsalltoomuch19 · 30/08/2019 07:35

So got married yesterday and want to point out it was amazing day full of the people I love and care about the most. But one thing caused me hours of stress and I think I should complain.
Our venue doesn’t have an actual marriage license so you get ‘married’ in a barn and I paid £500 for a celebrant to conduct the ceremony we met with her before and told her no one knew we were getting married a fews before and the people from the venue were coming to be witnesses so as no one felt they were not left out and both sets of parents had contributed a lot to this wedding so I didn’t want them being annoyed. An hour before I arrive my DH text me to say the celebrant has told his mum that we got married last week, he mum was upset and then asked my mum if she knew. I think she wanted to find out if my mum had been invited and not her, so now both sets of parents knew and were upset. This is all before I got there so I felt so upset and stressed by it as we didn’t want this to happen and she knew that.
Even the venue were limited and said they have never had a celebrant do this before and they have 3-5 weddings every week for the last 5 years! I really want to email her stating how stressed she made me feel and caused a bit of tension on the day but my DH thinks it’s done now we just need to face our parents today and explain the reasons and leave it

OP posts:
HeadsDownThumbsUpEveryone · 30/08/2019 09:48

I find it baffling that you thought it was ok to lie about already being married. It's not like you nipped to the registry office on the same day you have been married for a week. No wonder your families were pretty cross its all so deceitful.

Also like others on this thread no matter how much you pretend otherwise the wedding is the day you sign the paperwork. That's the day you got married the wedding day the OP describes is little more than a party to celebrate their wedding.

Frazzled2207 · 30/08/2019 09:48

Btw I think it's a bit ridiculous to think that your parents would need have guessed it was a "real"
wedding. The "signing of the register" ought to be a giveaway if nothing else.

Nothing wrong with doing it this way, we did the same, register office followed by church blessing. Everyone knew what the deal was though. It was very clear on the invitations.

Frazzled2207 · 30/08/2019 09:49

Would NOT have guessed

hsegfiugseskufh · 30/08/2019 09:50

accio she's already explained why she didn't tell them Hmm

if they did vows, exchanged rings etc, it was a wedding.

They didn't sign the legal paperwork, but for everyone watching, they watched what they would have recognised as a wedding.

Op and her DH can decide what they want to or don't want to tell mummy and daddy, they're adults ffs. You're talking about them as if theyre children bunking off school and keeping it a secret.

AccioCats · 30/08/2019 09:52

Re: everyone who’s saying
‘it was a wedding’
‘To all intents and purposes it was a wedding’
etc etc ....

If it was really such an insignificant issue of definition, why did the OP lie?

She clearly felt it was significant enough to not tell her parents what it was they were helping organise and pay for
She clearly felt it was significant enough to pretend for a week that they hadn’t actually got married.

Really hope the OP comes back to clarify why she lied

AccioCats · 30/08/2019 09:54

Bonjour you need to look up the definition of wedding. Loads of people have wedding celebrations. It is not the same as the actual wedding which involves marriage.

herculepoirot2 · 30/08/2019 09:54

Op and her DH can decide what they want to or don't want to tell mummy and daddy, they're adults ffs. You're talking about them as if theyre children bunking off school and keeping it a secret.

And their parents can be hurt if they want. It is a bit rich to accept a significant sum of money from your parents and lie to them at the same time, isn’t it? Isn’t that how children behave?

AccioCats · 30/08/2019 09:55

Oh and if it was so important to me to not tell my parents something, I would behave like an adult. Not accept money from mummy and daddy and keep up a big pretence about it.

Limt · 30/08/2019 09:55

Marriage is the signing of a legal contract by two people with witnesses.

If you want a party at a later date fair enough, but don't pretend that people are watching you get married, they're not.

Alsohuman · 30/08/2019 09:56

@Bonjourfreddie, you have to have at least two witnesses - we had four. They could easily have asked their parents to be witnesses at the registry office.

HeadsDownThumbsUpEveryone · 30/08/2019 09:56

if they did vows, exchanged rings etc, it was a wedding

Except it wasn't because they didn't sign the paperwork. The day you get married is the day you sign the marriage licence you cannot just pretend that part is not important. It's the part that declares legally you are now married which is sort of the whole point of having a wedding.

medb22 · 30/08/2019 09:57

Those of you complaining about the parents being “conned” into paying for a wedding they weren’t invited to - they paid for the party, surely. Like, the fancy clothes, the canapés, the champagne, the cake - none of that is actually necessary and so they would have known that what they were contributing to was the celebration of the marriage. Otherwise, if the wedding is only the signing of the documents bit, as some of you are insisting on, they should only have paid the legal fees.

Anyway, the truth was likely to come out tbh, and it’s not really fair to try to get the celebrant to keep the secret. I can understand that they were a bit upset finding out like that. That said, I can understand why you tried to do it that way - given the reaction to this, I can imagine trying to explain that they couldn’t come to the registry office would have prompted much dramatics.

Leighhalfpennysthigh · 30/08/2019 09:58

I think a lot of people need reminding that the wedding, whatever form it takes, is about the couple, NOT about self centred whinging guests!

Not on MN remember. The MN wedding rules insist that the whole wedding is for the benefit of the guests and the bride and groom are incidental to that. Oh and the joining of families bollocks which makes it sound positively medieval. Childfree weddings are a sin, as are destination weddings even if your guests are very happy with your choices IRL. All weddings must consist of a quick registry office bit and then a "nice meal". Anything other than that is dismissed as an expensive party. Oh and all MN weddings must cost £2.50.

GrinWink

hsegfiugseskufh · 30/08/2019 10:00

accio again, she's already explained why she didn't tell them!

yes of course, a wedding can be no more than the cheapest shittiest reg office you can find, your parents (even if theyre twats) and a nice meal.

Its like an alternative universe here.

Roussette · 30/08/2019 10:01

They could easily have asked their parents to be witnesses at the registry office

Nah, there was only room for 4 in the room including the couple. Apparently...

AccioCats · 30/08/2019 10:01

Medb22 you’re stating the obvious: of course the parents would realise the costs were almost entirely for the venue, food, etc etc. The actual legal marriage would be a small part of the cost.

The fact is, they were told they were contributing and invited to the wedding. Which they weren’t. And it was clearly significant enough for the OP to deceive them. Otherwise she would have done what most normal adults would do and say
‘We’re having a very small marriage ceremony without any fuss. We are then having a big celebration a week later. Thank you so much for contributing’

hsegfiugseskufh · 30/08/2019 10:02

They could easily have asked their parents to be witnesses at the registry office

not necessarily, like I said some registry offices offer this as a package and will use their smallest room which is just the couple and 2 witnesses.

InDubiousBattle · 30/08/2019 10:02

I'd complain, she fucked up?
How? By not pretending to marry two people when she legally couldn't and even if she could, they were already married!

hsegfiugseskufh · 30/08/2019 10:03

and not only that but what if they didn't WANT their parents as witnesses?

milveycrohn · 30/08/2019 10:03

This happened to us.
The invitation said ‘wedding invitation’
The wording said ‘company of ..…. At the marriage of ….. to ..….’
But it wasn’t a wedding. The wedding had already happened the day before at the registry office. In this case, the ‘ceremony’ happened in a church, and the celebrant (priest?) actually explained this wasn’t actually the wedding, which had happened the day before, and therefore there were no vows and no signing of the register.
And yes, I felt a bit annoyed and also wondered why they lied to everyone.

womenspeakout · 30/08/2019 10:03

The celebrant was out of order. In what context did she let slip? I'd complain, she fucked up.

Actually she didn't.

It's not part of her job to lie and say this is the legally binding marriage. It's not. It would have been fucking up to lie and say otherwise.

The OP has been married for a week but didn't want to tell her parents and pretend it was all for real on the day. That's on her, not the celebrant.

LagunaBubbles · 30/08/2019 10:04

So you got married officially without either set of parents? I think I would be upset if that was one of my children! - seriously? Even though the Bride and Groom had a big 'wedding party' with the dress and cake and flowers and stuff that you were invited to? You'd be upset not to be invited to the 'legal' signing of the wedding 'deed' ?

Way to make it all about you!

Of course I would be upset, that my own child hadn't told me the truth. But none of my kids would do thay, it's not about not being invited to its the not telling the truth in the first place. Thankfully I'm close to my kids and of they wanted to do it this one I wouldn't be that bothered as long as I knew what was happening. That's not making it all about me, that's just normal!

MN can be really strange, normal relationships can be seen as its an outrage that your parents can be hurt just because you're an adult and can do what you like. I would never have risked upsetting my parents like this.

AccioCats · 30/08/2019 10:04

Rousette I don’t doubt that part of the OPs post. Our local registry office has various options from the cheapest which is literally a tiny room where the bride and bridegroom can only invite witnesses up to the most expensive where about 50 guests can attend.

So that’s completely plausible.

Alsohuman · 30/08/2019 10:04

No registry office is going to turn away an additional two people, regardless of the “package”. Unless the ceremony’s held in a cupboard.

QualCheckBot · 30/08/2019 10:04

Bonjourfreddie Its like an alternative universe here.

One based on a wedding in 1972, where the strict rule of that particular very close, traditional family detailed exactly what must be done in all weddings in the future for everyone else.

Sod the people getting married for trying to keep the big wedding celebration as something for their families and trying to keep their own marriage service quick and simple! The mumsnet rules are ultra strict, and if you don't obey them, you will be castigated on here for the same transgressions for approximately four days.

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