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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be furious about my wedding

807 replies

Itsalltoomuch19 · 30/08/2019 07:35

So got married yesterday and want to point out it was amazing day full of the people I love and care about the most. But one thing caused me hours of stress and I think I should complain.
Our venue doesn’t have an actual marriage license so you get ‘married’ in a barn and I paid £500 for a celebrant to conduct the ceremony we met with her before and told her no one knew we were getting married a fews before and the people from the venue were coming to be witnesses so as no one felt they were not left out and both sets of parents had contributed a lot to this wedding so I didn’t want them being annoyed. An hour before I arrive my DH text me to say the celebrant has told his mum that we got married last week, he mum was upset and then asked my mum if she knew. I think she wanted to find out if my mum had been invited and not her, so now both sets of parents knew and were upset. This is all before I got there so I felt so upset and stressed by it as we didn’t want this to happen and she knew that.
Even the venue were limited and said they have never had a celebrant do this before and they have 3-5 weddings every week for the last 5 years! I really want to email her stating how stressed she made me feel and caused a bit of tension on the day but my DH thinks it’s done now we just need to face our parents today and explain the reasons and leave it

OP posts:

SmellbowSpaceBowl · 30/08/2019 09:26

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

LondonJax · 30/08/2019 09:28

As I understand it, if you have a celebrant, you can sign a certificate which just commemorates the day. Not sure what they look like but I imagine they're not like wedding certificates. Which means, if the mums are 'witnesses' they'd know immediately that something was 'wrong'.

It could be that one of the mums has asked the celebrant about the signing of the register (as mentioned by someone earlier on). A celebrant can't lie. If they were asked 'when do we sign the register', they have to say there isn't one. Which would prompt the question 'why not?' - and bang! There you go!

Why choose a place that isn't licensed or why not just use it as a reception? Or tell your parents what you plan? If you're old enough to get married surely you're old enough to face your parents and tell the truth?

ChicCroissant · 30/08/2019 09:28

To me, that reads that she did know the parents would be upset at being left out, Idont so expected other people to lie about it!

QualCheckBot · 30/08/2019 09:29

The celebrant has breached client confidentiality and that is awful. She shouldn't be gossiping about any of her work.

I don't see why posters are saying you have done something wrong. You got married then had the wedding in a venue a few weeks later, which you wanted to keep as the big celebration for both sets of parents, to keep it special.

Judging by the way some people have posted on here, keeping the first bit secret was a good way to go! And of course is entirely up to you.

Bensonhead · 30/08/2019 09:29

Don’t get what’s so hard for people to grasp about the idea of having a legal bit and a symbolic bit that feels that the actual wedding. I assume if you ever have to fill in any legal paperwork you give the actual legal date, but your anniversary is your wedding date. A wedding is more than just signing a piece of paper in the sane way a marriage is more than owning a certificate.

QualCheckBot · 30/08/2019 09:31

Don’t get what’s so hard for people to grasp about the idea of having a legal bit and a symbolic bit that feels that the actual wedding.

Presumably because its only this century that wedding venues became more varied, and that last century, when they themselves got married, it wasn't possible.

OtraCosaMariposa · 30/08/2019 09:31

if you have a celebrant, you can sign a certificate which just commemorates the day. Not sure what they look like but I imagine they're not like wedding certificates

As they have no legal standing they can look however you wish. You could set yourself up as a celebrant tomorrow and start designing your own "certificates" at home.

myself2020 · 30/08/2019 09:33

The numbed of people who find it incredibly important to be present when a piece of paper is signed is astonishing. hopefully all if them remember to invite absolutely everyone when they sign their mortgage, passport applications etc... otherwise people would feel left out.
The wedding is what the couple wants it to be. the documents are important, but NOT main thing...

ChicCroissant · 30/08/2019 09:35

QualCheck is right, when I got married there were two options - registry office or church. Possibly the same for the OP's parents.

AccioCats · 30/08/2019 09:36

Still waiting to hear from the OP as to what you put on the invitations? Did you lie and invite people to your wedding?
Or did you invite them to a celebration of your marriage? If the latter, did you just cross your fingers that they’d all be tricked into believing it was a legal marriage they were attending (and in the case of the parents had paid for?

hsegfiugseskufh · 30/08/2019 09:39

they’d all be tricked into believing it was a legal marriage

oh give over! how absolutely pathetic.

butterflywings37 · 30/08/2019 09:39

The invitation- like all Celebrant weddings I know of, would most probably have said wedding - as that is what it was- their wedding day.

NeverGotMyPuppy · 30/08/2019 09:40

@myself2020 eh?! A wedding is not up for definition! If you arent actually getting married - I.e. signing the papers - then it isnt a wedding, regardless of what people want to call it.

Metempsychosis · 30/08/2019 09:40

You were very wrong to ask or expect the celebrant to lie OP. It’s a serious legal undertaking, not Santa Claus. It would be grossly unprofessional and arguably illegal for the celebrant to hold herself out as performing a marriage when she actually wasn’t. What if the MIL was an immigration official on her day off?

AccioCats · 30/08/2019 09:40

Bonjourfreddie I was asking the OP not you

InDubiousBattle · 30/08/2019 09:40

Myself I think most people have agreed that it's more the lying and the fact that the parents were paying a lot towards the wedding that have led people to say the op IBU. I agree that the wedding should be what the couple getting married want it to be but why lie?

AnAC12UCOinanOCG · 30/08/2019 09:40

I think a lot of people need reminding that the wedding, whatever form it takes, is about the couple, NOT about self centred whinging guests!

The self centred guests who paid thousands for a wedding and found out on the day it wasn't actually a wedding?

mygrandchildrenrock · 30/08/2019 09:43

We got married at 9.30 in the register office with only our children present. At 12.30 on the same day we had a big church blessing. 6 bridesmaids, the works. The difference was everyone knew they were coming to a blessing not a wedding. They still came.
The service was exactly the same as a wedding, except we didn’t sign the marriage certificate there, just posed for photos like we were.
I think having 2 separate events is normal and understandable but not being honest about it isn’t.

hsegfiugseskufh · 30/08/2019 09:44

it wasn't actually a wedding?

but it was a wedding.....

presumably they wanted to pay for it, and weren't forced to pay for it.

AccioCats · 30/08/2019 09:44

I absolutely agree a wedding is about the couple and they should do it however they want. Many couples have a low key marriage ceremony and then big celebrations later.

However if other people are helping organise and pay for the celebrations why the fuck would you pretend to them that it’s anything other than a celebration?

OtraCosaMariposa · 30/08/2019 09:45

I think having 2 separate events is normal and understandable but not being honest about it isn’t.

Spot on.

hsegfiugseskufh · 30/08/2019 09:45

for all intents and purposes, it was a wedding. a lot of weddings across the world aren't legally recognised, but they're still weddings.

womenspeakout · 30/08/2019 09:48

I don't think she can complain about the celebrant, it's not in their job description to lie and pretend it's a legally binding wedding, no matter what crazy amount you pay them for absolutely nothing.

Sagradafamiliar · 30/08/2019 09:48

The celebrant was out of order. In what context did she let slip? I'd complain, she fucked up.

Your parents still attended your wedding. Everything they contributed towards took place yesterday. They weren't present at the marriage, but enjoyed the wedding.

AccioCats · 30/08/2019 09:48

It wasn’t a wedding. It was a celebration of a wedding. Or a ‘wedding celebration.’

OP Why the fuck didn’t you just tell your family?

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