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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be furious about my wedding

807 replies

Itsalltoomuch19 · 30/08/2019 07:35

So got married yesterday and want to point out it was amazing day full of the people I love and care about the most. But one thing caused me hours of stress and I think I should complain.
Our venue doesn’t have an actual marriage license so you get ‘married’ in a barn and I paid £500 for a celebrant to conduct the ceremony we met with her before and told her no one knew we were getting married a fews before and the people from the venue were coming to be witnesses so as no one felt they were not left out and both sets of parents had contributed a lot to this wedding so I didn’t want them being annoyed. An hour before I arrive my DH text me to say the celebrant has told his mum that we got married last week, he mum was upset and then asked my mum if she knew. I think she wanted to find out if my mum had been invited and not her, so now both sets of parents knew and were upset. This is all before I got there so I felt so upset and stressed by it as we didn’t want this to happen and she knew that.
Even the venue were limited and said they have never had a celebrant do this before and they have 3-5 weddings every week for the last 5 years! I really want to email her stating how stressed she made me feel and caused a bit of tension on the day but my DH thinks it’s done now we just need to face our parents today and explain the reasons and leave it

OP posts:

hsegfiugseskufh · 30/08/2019 10:04

It would have been fucking up to lie and say otherwise

could she not have just said nothing? why would she even need to lie?

she should have just done the ceremony, and left. The only people she needed to speak to were the bride and groom.

HeadsDownThumbsUpEveryone · 30/08/2019 10:04

yes of course, a wedding can be no more than the cheapest shittiest reg office you can find, your parents (even if theyre twats) and a nice meal.

But no one is criticising the OP for her venue choice, they are just questioning why she felt the need to lie about it being their wedding instead of acknowledging that it was a celebration and that they had already got married. Especially given that the Op doesn't seem to have paid for much of the wedding, instead letting the parents pay and then not actually allowing them to see her and her partner get married.

I highly doubt they would have been so pissed off if they knew from day 1 they were only paying for the party/reception and not a wedding.

scottishdiem · 30/08/2019 10:05

Weddings (the ceremony) are different from marriage (the legal bit).

I am confused as to why the OP wanted the lie to be in front of everyone. Also, many celebrants (humanist ones anyway in England & Wales) are trained to ensure that what they are doing does not look like marriage but instead a wedding celebration. The ceremony should not look like a fraud and if it was a humanist I would say they should have been clear.

In Scotland its even tighter as celebrants can do the marriage and the wedding so have to really make sure the people attending know whats going on.

If the OP wanted someone to stand in from of an audience and effectively lie that this was the marriage celebration then I dont understand why she is upset people arent happy to take part in that lie.

A marriage is a legal act. I dont think lying about it is helpful.

SheWoreBlueVelvet · 30/08/2019 10:05

I think the Op didn’t discuss the registry office because she didn’t consider that her marriage. It was a form signing rather than what she considers marriage ie saying vows in front of people, exchanging rings to.
Many countries in Europe insist on a civil wedding before you have any blessing. So unlike our church weddings you would need to married first.
Like funerals. They aren’t on the same day people die. But important never the less.

womenspeakout · 30/08/2019 10:05

and not only that but what if they didn't WANT their parents as witnesses?

That'd be fine, just don't ask them to contribute then. I can understand the parents contributing and not being asked to see the moment when they actually were married, and then being kept in the dark.

TSSDNCOP · 30/08/2019 10:05

Blimey, I bet you wish you’d just told them now?

I’m not sure what giving the celebrant both barrels will achieve to be honest. It’s not like you’ll be compensated is it?

I think you would do better to take DH’s approach and crack on with enjoying being married.

Hollycatberry · 30/08/2019 10:06

Also like others on this thread no matter how much you pretend otherwise the wedding is the day you sign the paperwork

No signing the paperwork is the marriage - which is the word that covers the legal bit. Some posters are getting awfully wound up about the definition of a wedding. It can mean different things to different people. Some people have weddings that don't involve signing the legal paperwork which is why it's done separately. And shock, horror, it is perfect valid to have a wedding day that doesn't contain the legal marriage bit. Whether its personal preference, cultural or religious reason the couple can decide which bit of their wedding they want to be their wedding day.

I think a lot of posters are actually being ignorant to be honest trying to force the traditional church wedding as the definition. That ceremony just happens to combine a religious ceremony coupled with the legal marriage bit. There are plenty of other variations of a wedding out there.

hsegfiugseskufh · 30/08/2019 10:07

No registry office is going to turn away an additional two people, regardless of the “package”. Unless the ceremony’s held in a cupboard

ours does... theyre really strict on numbers in all rooms - you cant just squeeze in an extra 2 people and hope they wont mind.

hsegfiugseskufh · 30/08/2019 10:07

just don't ask them to contribute then

we have no idea whether they asked them to contribute or whether the parents offered or insisted, do we?

IceCreamAndCandyfloss · 30/08/2019 10:08

I’d be furious if I had contributed to a wedding to find out it was all fake an I hadn’t actually been invited to the marriage. I’d be cross as a guest to find out I’d taken leave, paid travel costs etc for a fake wedding also.

The registry office is the actual marriage, you take your vows there not just sign bits of paper hence needing the witnesses.

Alsohuman · 30/08/2019 10:08

You can say you’re having four witnesses, not two. Like we did.

GorkyMcPorky · 30/08/2019 10:08

Those who are suggesting the parents are overreacting because they weren't at the boring legal bit - no, they've been duped into paying for and attending a mock ceremony and party only. If they had known that's what they were paying for, fair enough.

hsegfiugseskufh · 30/08/2019 10:09

You can say you’re having four witnesses, not two. Like we did

yes, you could do that at our reg office, and then they'd take your card details for an extra payment for a bigger room or different package.

Geminijes · 30/08/2019 10:09

You can not blame the Celebrant for the stress you felt.

You lied to your parents and also expected someone else (the Celebrant) to also lie on your behalf.

No matter what reasons you had for not telling the truth doesn't cover up the fact that the onus is on you and your DH, and no one else.

Honesty is always the best policy.

Tell the truth or be prepared to take the flak when the truth comes out.

GorkyMcPorky · 30/08/2019 10:09

Oh and if the reg office is really too small and you know it's important for your parents to witness your marriage, don't go ahead and do it regardless!

EverTheConundrum · 30/08/2019 10:09

I'm sorry I can't understand much of your OP at all. Please can you summarise

hsegfiugseskufh · 30/08/2019 10:10

a fake wedding

its not a "fake" wedding, its what the op considered the actual wedding - there's nothing wrong with that.

them saying they'll celebrate that date as their anniversary goes to show that they consider that their real wedding, and the legal bit just that.

I would suggest anyone with that attitude doesn't attend any weddings tbh.

Alsohuman · 30/08/2019 10:11

Ours doesn’t have “packages”, just different sized rooms, none of which are cupboards. It wouldn’t have hurt them to pay extra in any case, given their parents coughed up for the rest.

butterflywings37 · 30/08/2019 10:11

No registry office is going to turn away an additional two people, regardless of the “package”. Unless the ceremony’s held in a cupboard.

Actually they do as the office that the basic package offers, is just that - an office - ours had a desk, filing cabinet, book case and 6 chairs - no space for any extra people just us and our witnesses and we were repeatedly reminded that we could not have extra people.

hsegfiugseskufh · 30/08/2019 10:11

MN is an alternative universe because honestly this is such a non issue. I cant imagine anyone in RL even batting an eyelid at this. Bizarre.

hsegfiugseskufh · 30/08/2019 10:11

Alsohuman

but what if they didn't want to do that! it was their bloody wedding, not their parents. It was up to THEM what they wanted.

C0untDucku1a · 30/08/2019 10:12

This is very common to be legally married before. Years ago a cousin of dh married a man who was divorced. They were not allowed to legally marry in the church so they got married officially the day before. The vicar began by explaining this was a marriage blessing, or words like that.

My friend is doing similar later this year. Marrying at the register office with just their children and witnesses, and having a full day of it later.

Another who had a celebrant at their venue, but married at the register office earlier that day just the two of them and witnesses.

The difference being they didnt lie about it and they didnt expect a professional to lie about it too.

You sound quite immature op. This is the day after your wedding day and youre furious the celebrant didnt lie for you.

Tbh im not sure why your dh had to tell you before you reached the venue. Surely he could have handled his mother and told you after the fake wedding? Did he just stand by and watch your mil make this fuss and phone your mother? You may have a dh problem...

HeadsDownThumbsUpEveryone · 30/08/2019 10:12

them saying they'll celebrate that date as their anniversary goes to show that they consider that their real wedding, and the legal bit just that.

Except no matter how you try to spin it that date isn't the date they actually got married. It might be the day they consider as their wedding day but it's never actually going to be the day they got married as that's the day they signed the marriage license and said their vows.

AccioCats · 30/08/2019 10:13

Hollycatberry you are confusing wedding celebrations with an actual wedding. A wedding involves the legal joining of the two people in marriage.

The wedding celebrations can of course take many different forms and will vary depending on culture and tradition. They can also take place any time after the couple have actually been married. I’ve been invited to a wedding celebration which actually took place on the first anniversary of the wedding, so a year later.

Fundamental Point still remains: the OP chose to lie

Alsohuman · 30/08/2019 10:13

Then they should have paid for it themselves @Bonjourfreddie.

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