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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be furious about my wedding

807 replies

Itsalltoomuch19 · 30/08/2019 07:35

So got married yesterday and want to point out it was amazing day full of the people I love and care about the most. But one thing caused me hours of stress and I think I should complain.
Our venue doesn’t have an actual marriage license so you get ‘married’ in a barn and I paid £500 for a celebrant to conduct the ceremony we met with her before and told her no one knew we were getting married a fews before and the people from the venue were coming to be witnesses so as no one felt they were not left out and both sets of parents had contributed a lot to this wedding so I didn’t want them being annoyed. An hour before I arrive my DH text me to say the celebrant has told his mum that we got married last week, he mum was upset and then asked my mum if she knew. I think she wanted to find out if my mum had been invited and not her, so now both sets of parents knew and were upset. This is all before I got there so I felt so upset and stressed by it as we didn’t want this to happen and she knew that.
Even the venue were limited and said they have never had a celebrant do this before and they have 3-5 weddings every week for the last 5 years! I really want to email her stating how stressed she made me feel and caused a bit of tension on the day but my DH thinks it’s done now we just need to face our parents today and explain the reasons and leave it

OP posts:

CoolcoolcoolcoolcoolNoDoubt · 30/08/2019 09:09

At first I was on your side OP but the more of this thread I read.. how did you keep this lie going for so long? Yikes it must have been so complicated!

Zeusthemoose · 30/08/2019 09:09

This happens loads. I think the problem has arisen because you felt you needed to lie about it. Just brush it off and say it's standard procedure and yesterday is what you class as your real wedding. Try not to let it ruin such a special time. I would emails complaint though then move on and enjoy this time with your new husband. Congratulations. X

Croquembou · 30/08/2019 09:09

It's the day after your wedding.

Go drink champagne and jump your husband rather than thinking about this and now, seemingly, dealing with MN weird marriage thing. It's done, you can't change it. Complaining will only mean you think about this bit more than all the lovely parts of the day.

Congratulations

gingersausage · 30/08/2019 09:09

Oh for goodness sake, of course it was a bloody wedding. The “wedding” is the big wanky expensive party with bitchy bridesmaids, excessive drama and altogether too much angst about every last detail. What it wasn’t was a marriage ceremony, and that is what everyone has got their knickers in a knot about.

A surprising number of posters seem to be taking this thread awfully personally and getting very upset by it, especially @Rubicon80 and @herculepoirot2, are you the mother and the mil? 😉

PuppyMonkey · 30/08/2019 09:11

But it’s all just legal bollocks anyway, nobody should be worrying about ceremonies and rituals and outrageous deceptions in 2019.

Alsohuman · 30/08/2019 09:12

Yes, very OTT to be upset about being lied to. How ridiculous. Especially when you thought you were paying for something that turned out to be completely different.

OrangeSwoosh · 30/08/2019 09:13

@OtraCosaMariposa we "did this" as in had a non legal ceremony. Doesn't take a genius to work out which part of "doing this" I was referring to. Only the people who came to our legal wedding knew before hand (they had an additional invite), the other 110 guests neither knew until the day, nor cared. In fact pretty much everyone commented on how much of a good idea and how personal it was

namby · 30/08/2019 09:13

I'm confused as to why you pay £500 for someone to pretend marry you? I know plenty of 6 year olds who would have done that for free. Why marry somewhere where you aren't actually getting married, just so you can have the pomp and ceremony of the aisle and vows in a barn? Anyway, if it's weird for me I'm sure it's even weirder for your parents (and thus a generation who didn't do such things) they thought they were paying for your wedding but probably felt you got married at the reg office. Fine if you want to keep up the pretence that your wedding was the day before, but you owed it to your parents to explain what was actually happening, particularly as they were paying.

That said, I still think I would complain to the "celebrant" did they know it was a secret?

TheNavigator · 30/08/2019 09:14

Oh what a tangled web we weave, when first we practice to deceive.

OP, I would also like to know the answer to the question a PP asked:
Why did you lie to your parents and in-laws?

That is the part I can't understand and that makes it hard to judge the celebrants actions. You wanted them to lie - but why did you lie in the first place?

RandomMess · 30/08/2019 09:15

It sounds like your MIL asked something like "where are they signing the register" or "who are the witnesses" at which point registrar couldn't lie.

Hindsight is wonderful you should have told them casually that you were doing the legal part as you couldn't do it on the day. The parents are being a bit ridiculous as the wedding was very clearly the big day which they were part of.

MrsBungle · 30/08/2019 09:16

I feel sorry for your parents. I think it’s pretty shit to let them pay for a wedding and not even tell them you’re already married. I can see why people have two parts to a wedding but to lie to your family and let them pay for it seems odd to me!

user1473878824 · 30/08/2019 09:18

For fuck's sake. They gave them money for the wedding. They had a wedding. They had a MARRIAGE beforehand, just the two of them. Tonnes of people do that. OP, I'd be cross too. Not on.

herculepoirot2 · 30/08/2019 09:19

A surprising number of posters seem to be taking this thread awfully personally and getting very upset by it, especially @Rubicon80 and @herculepoirot2, are you the mother and the mil? 😉

You got me. 👐🏻

Quaffy · 30/08/2019 09:20

How very odd to not recognise your actual marriage as the point at which you got married

Well, exactly. Marriage is an act with legal status. It happens when the papers are signed, like it or not.

puppymonkey it may be all bollocks to you and totally fair enough for you to have that opinion, but getting married is a big deal to a lot of people (myself included and apparently the OP and her family) and there’s nothing wrong with that either.

ineedaholidaynow · 30/08/2019 09:20

I would have thought the celebrant would have said something before they started the ceremony. Or if they didn’t, as another PP said, MIL may have realised various legal bits were missing and queried this with the celebrant.

I have been to a wedding like this. Their venue was a tent in a field. We knew that they had got legally married earlier in the day. They just did personal vows in front of everyone. It was lovely but everyone knew about it.

I think, as a parent, I would have liked to have known. Not necessarily have been there, but just known about it. Also I assume there was always the risk that someone else may have inadvertently let the cat out of the bag.

hsegfiugseskufh · 30/08/2019 09:23

I feel sorry for the family and friends of all you drama llamas. Kicking off about being deceived and lied to because someone signed the register the day before, even though youd still be attending the wedding and wouldn't be any the wiser unless the couple told you.

I think a lot of people need reminding that the wedding, whatever form it takes, is about the couple, NOT about self centred whinging guests!

NorbertHerbertGruntfuttock · 30/08/2019 09:24

I think the mistake you made was not telling your parents that the wedding was a two parter. You could have said that you were attending for the legal side but you wanted it to be just the two of you plus witnesses (due to no room etc) and that you considered the bigger occasion to be the actual wedding.

A wedding is a matter for public record and legally anyone can attend so they can block it if need be. This is why banns are read for three occasions prior. Lying about something legal is kinda wrong really.

Bensonhead · 30/08/2019 09:24

There are lots of people getting their knickers in a twist about the difference between a legal ceremony and a humanist or celebrant led ceremony.

I work in weddings and plenty of the couples I work with have a very small legal ceremony and then a much bigger, more personal celebrant led ceremony with their family and friends that they consider to be their real wedding. That’s their anniversary, that’s the celebration.

I am assuming that as far as the OP wanted their parents to know, this was the real deal.

I can understand why there has been some upset, but I also understand your want to just slip away and do the legal paperwork with minimal fuss.

With regards your celebrant - I’d be inclined to email and complain/explain but only if you made it explicitly clear that parents were not to know about the legal ceremony. She would probably have automatically assumed they knew as often people will invite parents and close family to the legal bit.

Idontwanttotalk · 30/08/2019 09:24

@ShatnersWig

"Let's actually ask the OP a question and see if she comes back to answer it:

Why did you want it kept secret from both sets of parents?"
Didn't the OP infer that in the opening post?:

"we met with her before and told her no one knew we were getting married a fews before and the people from the venue were coming to be witnesses so as no one felt they were not left out and both sets of parents had contributed a lot to this wedding so I didn’t want them being annoyed."

To me, it reads that she/they didn't want to choose which 2 of their parents would be the official witnesses and sign their marriage certificate. She didn't want the other 2 parents to feel left out.

NeverGotMyPuppy · 30/08/2019 09:24

But a wedding IS the signing of the legal document?!?

Otherwise it's just a party!

heveranne · 30/08/2019 09:24

Congratulations on your marriage!

I'm sad that you felt your day was spoilt but I think it was wrong of you to deceive your parents. You should have told them what was happening. I'd have been shocked to find out on what I thought was the morning of my daughter's wedding that she was already married! Put yourself in your mum's shoes, explain and apologise to both sets of parents and move on and be happy.

Roussette · 30/08/2019 09:25

How can you say the day you got married is not the day you got married at all?
Sometimes for ID purposes you need to give your date of marriage, are you going to give the date you had the party? You have a Marriage Certificate, that is the date you got married.

Bensonhead · 30/08/2019 09:25

No banns are read for a civil ceremony, though the details are posted in the register office. They haven’t lied about anything legal as far as I can see.

ShatnersWig · 30/08/2019 09:25

Idont That could be the inference but I'd actually like to hear it as fact.

hsegfiugseskufh · 30/08/2019 09:26

Also if I’m honest it’s a bit weird of you to not just invite your parents to the registry office bit

not really, the package our local reg office offer, is just the legal bit with the 2 of you and 2 witnesses, and then the vows etc whenever/whereve you want them.

You don't get to say oh but can I invite my mum as well. if youre going to do that then you might as well not bother!

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