To be furious about my wedding

[Itsalltoomuch19]

So got married yesterday and want to point out it was amazing day full of the people I love and care about the most. But one thing caused me hours of stress and I think I should complain.
Our venue doesn’t have an actual marriage license so you get ‘married’ in a barn and I paid £500 for a celebrant to conduct the ceremony we met with her before and told her no one knew we were getting married a fews before and the people from the venue were coming to be witnesses so as no one felt they were not left out and both sets of parents had contributed a lot to this wedding so I didn’t want them being annoyed. An hour before I arrive my DH text me to say the celebrant has told his mum that we got married last week, he mum was upset and then asked my mum if she knew. I think she wanted to find out if my mum had been invited and not her, so now both sets of parents knew and were upset. This is all before I got there so I felt so upset and stressed by it as we didn’t want this to happen and she knew that.
Even the venue were limited and said they have never had a celebrant do this before and they have 3-5 weddings every week for the last 5 years! I really want to email her stating how stressed she made me feel and caused a bit of tension on the day but my DH thinks it’s done now we just need to face our parents today and explain the reasons and leave it

My friend got married like that. He had a big wedding but the person doing the ceremony wasn't licensed. They'd got married at a registry office the day before, him in his hiviz work clothes and her in jeans. They counted the fake day as their wedding day, nobody else went to the registry office. Nobody took any offence that they'd not been to their registry office wedding. In fact I don't think anyone knew until the ceremony that it wasn't a registered ceremony.

Nobody would have known in the OP's wedding, or even been upset about it, if the registrar hadn't spelled the beans. I'd have been upset too.

Did all the people who didn’t take offence pay for the wedding @Honeyroar?

The parents paid for the fancy ceremony in the barn, e registry office would've cost peanuts, so technically the parents still got what they paid for.. (Sad when it's all about money isn't it. One reason people should pay for their own weddings IMO!)

No @Honeyroar, I meant your friend’s wedding. Did the people who didn’t take offence pay for it?

No they didn't.

Take offence, that is. Her father paid a large percentage.

P.s. you ought to refund your parents and his parents for the wedding they paid for and were lied to about.

^I agree. All the parents did was pay for a party in a barn.

I had the same issue. I had my wedding on a Sunday and it was really expensive to get officially married on that day. So we had a registry wedding 2 days before on the Friday. And had the wedding with all the guests on the Sunday.

We celebrate our anniversary on the Sunday date. As to us friday was just a technicality.

But we had both sets of parents and siblings at the registry office and then went out for a meal afterwards.

I think your parents are right to feel upset they weren't invited to this. Even though just a technicality in your eyes like it was in mine, it is still actually the day you became husband and wife. And I'm sure they would have loved to see that.

However it was your place to tell them about this. Not the employees. I don't know what you will achieve by complaining. But I would deffo let them know it caused you some upset. To prevent them from doing the same thing in the future.

I think from here on out you need to have a conversation with both sets of parents. Let them know you didn't even view the registrar as getting married. And if it was important to you of course you would have invited them. But now that you see how upset they are in hindsight you would have invited them anyway. As clearly it was important to them.

Good luck!

Signing the paperwork is the legal marriage paperwork - so the marriage.
The wedding is the celebration - the personalised vows, family celebration, meal etc.

^^ what butterfly said. Presumably the financial contribution was towards the celebration, not the registry office fee.

Didn't even know this was a thing, where people have a pretend wedding after the wedding and don't tell the guests

I know, at least tell guests so they can decide if they still want to make the time and effort (not to mention costs) to go the the fake one.

It’s one thing being an evening only invite so not important enough to be there for the vows but quite another to be excluded and then suddenly good enough for the fake one imo.

The financial contribution was towards the wedding. Not only are the vows - the real ones - an integral part of that, they’re the point of the whole thing.

Strange. Most people I know (who aren't Church of England) that want a religious ceremony do this - nobody seems to tell them that their marriage vows made 'in front of God' (as one described it) are fake, pretend and they're just scamming everybody out of cash. It's just how the law works for different denominations and religions.

The amount of anger in this thread seems disproportionate to what the OP has done - the legal bit where it is required, the bit that matters emotionally - the Wedding and the day they will celebrate as their anniversary - with their friends and family.

@Alsohuman our “proper ceremony” to me and my husband was one where Both of our families came together and celebrated with us for a beautiful day in the sunshine. For our own personal reasons it was not possible to do the legal bits abroad, this did not change a thing. Our day always will be the one where we were blessed by a celebrant in front of the people we love the most. Some people will understand, some will not.

Some people will understand, some will not
It doesn't matter what you and your husband believe, the actual wedding is the legal bit.
The only way that your way makes sense is if you think the party is the most important bit.. It still doesn't make it the wedding though.
Just means you see the party as the most important which to me is why bother with the legal bit at all then and just have a pretend one instead

@Watch3000, it’s you who doesn’t understand. You can’t get married twice. You were married in the registry office. Your party may have contained a non legal ceremony but you were already married “properly” when you mocked it up.

Most people I know (who aren't Church of England) that want a religious ceremony do this - nobody seems to tell them that their marriage vows made 'in front of God' (as one described it) are fake,

In England, a legal marriage can take place in any 'registered building' or 'approved places' in addition to CoE churches or register offices. As long and the legal rules governing what a legal marriage is (usually certain words have to be exchanged) then the marriage in many places of worship is legal.

If the wedding in Scotland, as long as the celebrant is authorised to legally marry people and the necessary language is spoken, the wedding in the religious house or on the beach handfasting is the real wedding.

@MitziK Strange. Most people I know (who aren't Church of England) that want a religious ceremony do this - nobody seems to tell them that their marriage vows made 'in front of God' (as one described it) are fake, pretend and they're just scamming everybody out of cash. It's just how the law works for different denominations and religions.

Do they lie to their friends and family and ask other people, doing their job, to lie on their behalf?

If it's not a scam or fake, why lie?

The amount of anger in this thread seems disproportionate to what the OP has done - the legal bit where it is required, the bit that matters emotionally - the Wedding and the day they will celebrate as their anniversary - with their friends and family.

People don't like liars. And they especially don't like liars who blame innocent third parties when their own lies smack them in the arse and upset the people they love.

They will say they got married on the day of the religious ceremony - and their families will say the same - that they weren't married until that point. Some wouldn't realise that there needed to be a separate ceremony, but even if they did know, they wouldn't think of the couple as being married until the religious bit was done (some maintaining they weren't married forever if there was only a registry office).

Same way a couple of friends who married abroad have come back and done the civil service privately because there wasn't a space at the registry office until afterwards. If it was only the legal thing that mattered to everybody, the bottom would fall out of the destination weddings market.

In this case, where the parents have contributed money, they would have paid out a lot more if the OP had insisted upon a place licensed and got a registrar to visit - we've been looking into costs ourselves and it's the difference between under a grand for somewhere lovely available in the next six months to nearer five for a mediocre venue and having to book at least two years in advance for the venue alone.

Good grief.

I hate government. We had to be "legally" married so we were.

BUT, to me, my marriage before God is what counts.

The celebrant was not good bc she was indiscreet. She was wrong.

Parents need to understand and be reasonable.

Lies? That is truly up to each person. As I said, personally, the government can bite my bum; it is liars and pretentious thieves. My wedding date is when I said my vows before God and family. So instead of lies, I would suggest it is up to a couple's choice.

OP didn’t take her vows before God. Just saying.

The religious ceremony is legal in many cases provided the place of worship complies with the law and particular language is exchanged and the celebrant can legally marry people. The point is that the OP lied about it.

And 'destination weddings', all manner of wank on top of the majority of them being fake nonsense.

Today 19:35 Honeyroar

‘The parents paid for the fancy ceremony in the barn, e registry office would've cost peanuts, so technically the parents still got what they paid for..’

Blimey are people still not getting it? The parents thought they were paying for the fancy ceremony which would include the wedding. Because the couple told them that, and were intending to pass the day off as the marriage. Which it wasn’t, because they’d already been husband and wife for a week.

It makes no bloody difference whether you or anyone else says ‘they got what they paid for because the party was the expensive bit.’ They were told they were paying for a wedding. And understandably they were upset and hurt when they realised they’d been lied to by their daughter.

It’s perfectly possible they might have still agreed to pay towards the mahoosive party in a barn knowing that it wasn’t the wedding. Who knows? The point is, you don’t treat people you love and care about with such disregard.

I would complain!!!

I would complain!!!

At what
Alright you want to tell porkies, that's fair enough, but a bit much to expect the officiant/celebrant/whatever name to collaborate.
What if they got an outright question? They're not allowed to lie or pretend as has already been said on the thread.