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Original poster

To be furious about my wedding

807 replies

Itsalltoomuch19 · 30/08/2019 07:35

So got married yesterday and want to point out it was amazing day full of the people I love and care about the most. But one thing caused me hours of stress and I think I should complain.
Our venue doesn’t have an actual marriage license so you get ‘married’ in a barn and I paid £500 for a celebrant to conduct the ceremony we met with her before and told her no one knew we were getting married a fews before and the people from the venue were coming to be witnesses so as no one felt they were not left out and both sets of parents had contributed a lot to this wedding so I didn’t want them being annoyed. An hour before I arrive my DH text me to say the celebrant has told his mum that we got married last week, he mum was upset and then asked my mum if she knew. I think she wanted to find out if my mum had been invited and not her, so now both sets of parents knew and were upset. This is all before I got there so I felt so upset and stressed by it as we didn’t want this to happen and she knew that.
Even the venue were limited and said they have never had a celebrant do this before and they have 3-5 weddings every week for the last 5 years! I really want to email her stating how stressed she made me feel and caused a bit of tension on the day but my DH thinks it’s done now we just need to face our parents today and explain the reasons and leave it

OP posts:
nuxe1984 · 31/08/2019 17:51

PS. You DIDN'T get married yesterday!

The day you were married was the day the legal ceremony took place. Be careful you don't put the wrong date on legal forms as it could lead to all sorts of identity issues ….

B9ddy · 31/08/2019 17:52

The day after the major public celebration of your wedding, and you are on the internet moaning !
You are one sad piece of work

HarrySnotter · 31/08/2019 17:59

Well, she didn't really have an option but to say something, if asked. Why would anyone ask in the first place?

You didn't exactly treat your respective parents well though. Why lie about it? Why not just tell them your plans?

peachdribble · 31/08/2019 18:01

I’ve know a number of couples to do this for various reasons - not only do many venues not have a marriage licence, but many places of worship (for example Greek Orthodox churches) don’t either, making it necessary to make a short ‘legal’ marriage ceremony in a registry office. Many of these only allow 2 witnesses in total. Which would beg the question...which set of parents should op have invited? Congratulations op!

Spinderellacutituponetime · 31/08/2019 18:04

Honestly Mumsnet stooping to all kinds of low again. What a horrendous thread full of really nasty comments. Things you would never dare say face to face. The OP hasn’t committed a crime! Ridiculous.

FuckFacePlatapus · 31/08/2019 18:06

Both sets of parents were not invited to their children's wedding but paid for most of it, and you wonder why they are upset?

covetingthepreciousthings · 31/08/2019 18:14

Both sets of parents were not invited to their children's wedding but paid for most of it, and you wonder why they are upset?

But they were invited to the celebration part? So I think this is an invalid argument, as the formal wedding part wouldn't have been 'most of it', likely a very small proportion in comparison.

Bluthbanana · 31/08/2019 18:16

But it’s the only bit that’s actually important. It’s not having a party that lets a lower earning spouse transfer some of their tax free allowance to the other. It’s not photos of the party that your bank want to see when you go in to update your personal information if you’re changing your name on marriage.

gilliansgardenbench · 31/08/2019 18:20

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Jeeperscreepers69 · 31/08/2019 18:25

Why didnt your patents attend your wedding....

PurpleFlower1983 · 31/08/2019 18:28

So you didn’t get married yesterday but wanted to make everyone think you did? I’d be upset if I was your parents too. Surely they would have realised when you didn’t sign the register etc.

PurpleFlower1983 · 31/08/2019 18:30

As others have said it’s it’s absolutely the most important part of the whole celebration and you denied them being there.

timshelthechoice · 31/08/2019 18:43

Why didnt your patents attend your wedding....

Because they didn't want them there. The excuse is that the Registrar married them in a broom cupboard that only had space for 4 people, two of whom were the OP and her husband and the third of whom was the Registrar, no idea who the witnesses were, which would have made it 5 people because don't you have to have two witnesses to make it legal? We had to have our witnesses sign something, I can't remember what, and they had to show their ID/driving licenses. So no telling who were the actual witnesses.

Basically, they eloped but then tried to hide it.

Watch3000 · 31/08/2019 18:47

I also got married this way, we did the legal bits in England but had a celebrant and a proper ceremony abroad. Your wedding, Your choice ❤️

BendydickCuminsnatch · 31/08/2019 18:53

But Watch did you tell your parents you were getting married before in England?

CBsDad · 31/08/2019 18:54

Agree with OP. We got married a week beforehand, we ended up taking my parents and not my in-laws, this was purely for practical reasons (my folks live nearby). We didn't tell anyone but it didn't come up, people would probably have known we couldn't legally be married where we were but we never thought of the registry office as the wedding, just admin. OP can you explain this to your parents, that the wedding was still the special day and the official part was just a hoop to jump through?

RosesAndRaindrops · 31/08/2019 19:03

The day you were married was the day the legal ceremony took place. Be careful you don't put the wrong date on legal forms as it could lead to all sorts of identity issues …
That's a good point actually!

Honestly Mumsnet stooping to all kinds of low again. What a horrendous thread full of really nasty comments. Things you would never dare say face to face. The OP hasn’t committed a crime! Ridiculous
Where the heck has there been "nasty comments?" Read the whole thread and haven't seen any. (Well apart from the sad piece of work one upthread which was uncalled for, but that's only one!)
Opinions are nasty now? She asked whether people thought she was being U, a lot have said yes actually, you are to make them think they were coming to the wedding and then it turns out you'd already done it.

Alsohuman · 31/08/2019 19:04

@Watch3000, your proper ceremony was in the registry office. That’s when you actually got married.

RosesAndRaindrops · 31/08/2019 19:11

We didn't tell anyone but it didn't come up, people would probably have known we couldn't legally be married where we were but we never thought of the registry office as the wedding, just admin.

The signing etc isn't just admin though, that IS the legal bit, the wedding! However boring and paperworky you might find it.
How would people know you couldn't legally be married where you were?
Didn't even know this was a thing, where people have a pretend wedding after the wedding and don't tell the guests!
How weird.

Theoldwrinkley · 31/08/2019 19:19

I find weddings very stressful, and would have had a real meltdown at ours, amount of money being prime concern. So we had registry office. Grabbed 2 acquaintances off the street (one of hubby’s work colleagues and a librarian, so she could pop upstairs in her lunch break) and we got married in hubby’s lunch hour. Hadn’t told either sets of parents. Still haven’t had ‘reception’, and we’ve been married 28 years. I went home afterwards and my Mother remarked ‘you look nice today’ and I said ‘I’ve just got married’ and she said ‘that’s lovely. Shall I put the kettle on?’ I think the pressure on young (or older) couples at the ‘one upmanship’ evident in so many weddings, and associated expense, puts an unbearable strain on newly married life.
With regards to the OP, the celebrant was very wrong to spill the beans, unless she was put in an awkward situation if asked directly if you were getting married, in which case a bit of a moot point, in that she would be wrong to lie, but then.......awkward. But all unfortunate for you with ramifications.

PurpleFlower1983 · 31/08/2019 19:20

I do find it strange that a venue that host 3-5 weddings a week and has an appropriate barn for a faux ceremony hasn’t bothered to her a licence for people to actually marry there.

PurpleFlower1983 · 31/08/2019 19:21

*get

Ilovemypantry · 31/08/2019 19:23

Sorry but I find this whole thing a bit weird.
The exchanging of vows is the most important part of a wedding and the part that most guests (especially the parents) look forward to. You denied your parents this (for what reason I cannot fathom). Your parents have a right to be upset.

Ali1cedowntherabbithole · 31/08/2019 19:26

Congratulations on your marriage.

But you & your DH chose to lie to both sets of parents when you could have told them the truth.

It's not the Registrar who has caused your stress. It's your own lies.

gilliansgardenbench · 31/08/2019 19:29

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.