To be furious about my wedding

[Itsalltoomuch19]

So got married yesterday and want to point out it was amazing day full of the people I love and care about the most. But one thing caused me hours of stress and I think I should complain.
Our venue doesn’t have an actual marriage license so you get ‘married’ in a barn and I paid £500 for a celebrant to conduct the ceremony we met with her before and told her no one knew we were getting married a fews before and the people from the venue were coming to be witnesses so as no one felt they were not left out and both sets of parents had contributed a lot to this wedding so I didn’t want them being annoyed. An hour before I arrive my DH text me to say the celebrant has told his mum that we got married last week, he mum was upset and then asked my mum if she knew. I think she wanted to find out if my mum had been invited and not her, so now both sets of parents knew and were upset. This is all before I got there so I felt so upset and stressed by it as we didn’t want this to happen and she knew that.
Even the venue were limited and said they have never had a celebrant do this before and they have 3-5 weddings every week for the last 5 years! I really want to email her stating how stressed she made me feel and caused a bit of tension on the day but my DH thinks it’s done now we just need to face our parents today and explain the reasons and leave it

Amarylis but see this is what we discovered was so difficult to deal with, everyone thinks they’re entitled to come along, luckily our immediate families are quite simple, there are no divorces or sibilings still at home so the parental cutoff leaving us with just 4 and us at the registry office was justifiable to everyone else, no one felt left out because everyone was. Factor in Op’s situation in which she has step parents and young siblings and that line becomes much more messy and before long you end up with 30 people in the registry office and anyone who wasn’t there feeling disgruntled. I’m not surprised she wanted to avoid all the drama. I’m not saying it was a good idea, but some of the hyperbole on this thread is insane.

OP could just have invited biological parents. Nobody could have argued with that. She could also have just told the truth.

Alsohuman of course people would have argued with that. Also divorced parents don’t always get on, famously. Family dynamics are incredibly complicated and weddings in particular seem to make people crazy.

They certainly wouldn’t in our family which is awash with stepparents.

Congratulations, that does not mean that everyone’s is. My grandparents refused to be in the same room ever again. Including at their child’s wedding and that was a super traditional affair

I don’t need to be congratulated on having a family comprised of civilised human beings.

see this is what we discovered was so difficult to deal with, everyone thinks they’re entitled to come along

Pretending was never going to help.

some of the hyperbole on this thread is insane.

There has been plenty of hype on both (all) sides.

Anyway, I'm glad it's all sorted out now OP.

Snarky I’d imagine it’s pretty rare these days to have a marriage where there aren’t step parents/ step grandparents/ step siblings/ half siblings/ divorces/ separations etc

I don’t see how any of that justifies dishonesty. And it was particularly nasty that the OP sought to blame the celebrant who cannot be expected to be anything other than honest.

Tbh at my wedding if any of my relatives had such issues with each other that they couldn’t be in the same room- if they were honestly so incapable of realising that the occasion wasn’t about them but about dh and me... well, I’d have no hesitation in telling them not to come. The wedding should be centred on the couple and their commitment to each other. Not some drama about auntie Joan not speaking to uncle derek. And I don’t see how starting a train of lies is in any way helpful- particularly lying to the parents, who the OP has no particular problem with anyway, and who have made large contributions towards what they believed was their wedding.

I don't see any issue with having a quick private legal ceremony and then having the wedding celebrated with friends and family. I know several couples who have done this.

I think the mistake here was not being upfront about it. What was your motivation there? Were you worried how they would react?

I think whether the celebrant is at fault depends how it came out. If she deliberately went out of her way to mention it, which I truly doubt, that's one thing.

If it was a chat about how it all worked, you can't expect her to lie to support this tangled web.

I'm glad they have calmed down.

Snarky - where the non-legal wedding is not a religious ceremony then I would consider it to be fake. I said as much early on in the thread and was told I was a "nasty piece" by one charming pp.

wow but why? Where do you draw the line? Why is a Chupah more valid than a hand fasting for example. Why does one form of spirituality trump another? I have already acknowledged that I think the Op was wrong to not tell her parents, but I can understand why she didn’t.

@SnarkyGorgon

So we decided to just have our parents come sign the papers with us and it was really lovely. I think it’s just one of those things, the law is incredibly rigid here and doesn’t allow for mixed faith celebrations, whilst families are becoming more and more diverse.

Snarky, I am also Jewish and married a non-Jew.

I agree that for religious families (Jewish/Christian/Hindu/Muslim/etc.) the religious ceremony can be equally or more important than the civil wedding. My own great-grandparents didn't even bother to register their marriage civilly until their first child was about to be born(they had their religious wedding a year earlier) but that was over a hundred years ago and they had only newly arrived in the UK.

This does NOT apply to the OP. She did not have a religious wedding a all, and there is no suggestion that she or anyone in her family/in-laws has any religious interest.

Their vows, the public, official and binding declaration of committing to each other, took place in the registry office, with no parents or in-laws present.

This is totally different to your situation because, above all:

1. you didn't lie to anyone

2. you DID have your parents there, meaning you respected that it was important to them to be there

In the end, everyone may have personal views on the relative importance of the legal/civil/religious/secular etc. marriage ceremonies.

BUT the fact that her parents and in-laws were extremely upset when they found out, and that she lied to them, is enough in and of itself to know that she did something very wrong, hurtful, cruel, disrespectful, and unfair.

Is it about one form of spirituality ‘trumping’ another though? I believe spirituality is a personal thing and no one form ‘trumps’ another as you put it.

But I thought the ‘fake’ comment was in the context of the OP who was clearly wanting to pass off the celebration as an authentic wedding- which it wasn’t.

I’m all for people celebrating however they want, they can run round ancient stones naked if it floats their boat! But I do think it’s strange to try to imitate a ceremony which you don’t believe in. Even so, if that’s what you want then your choice, but it’s never acceptable to try to dupe people into thinking it’s the real thing when it isn’t

I guess being completely accurate, the OP wanted a fake wedding. She wanted people to go away thinking that’s what they’d been at.

Which isn’t the remotely the same as saying everyone who has a big party, or goes down the pub, or dances naked at sunrise to celebrate their wedding is fake. Celebrations can be a lovely genuine thing. But when your aim is to pretend it’s something it isn’t, that’s quite different

Snarky - my point is that there has been absolutely no mention of faith/religion/spirituality from the OP regarding her service led by the celebrant. Her reason seems to be that she was paying for a fancy venue and the register office didn't cut it. She could have booked the register office, got married there then gone to the venue for the celebrations afterwards and no one would have batted an eyelid as the venue isn't licensed. Except she didn't.

This must be a horrible thread for the OP to read. I actually hope she isn't and these comments don't taint her memory of her wedding for her.

Really quite OTT.

It’s pretty horrible to lie to your parents and to threaten to complain about a third party when your dishonestly is exposed. I wonder how the OP would feel if someone complained to her company simply because she told the truth

@QualCheckBot This must be a horrible thread for the OP to read. I actually hope she isn't and these comments don't taint her memory of her wedding for her.

!!!

At 7am the morning after her wedding, she was posting on Mumsnet because she was so 'furious' and 'ranting' about the celebrant.

Doesn't really sound like someone who was still on Cloud 9 after their wonderful wedding day.

Very true Rubicon. In fact she sounded considerably calmer after the thread had amassed about 500 comments, the vast majority of which pointed out that lying was a bad idea and had got her into the mess.

This thread's mad (read most of it, not all as it's so long!)
Since when is the signing bit just "boring admin?" That IS the wedding FFS
A fancy pants venue the next day is just that, a fancy pants afterwards party!
No wonder your parents were upset if they paid lots for it, were told they were coming to your wedding, and then found out you'd already done it without telling them!
If you wanted to invite them, why on earth not just hire somewhere that did actual weddings?!
Sorry, but it seems that to some the party or posh venue is the most important bit and not the actual wedding and I find that a bit sad.

This must be a horrible thread for the OP to read. I actually hope she isn't and these comments don't taint her memory of her wedding for her.

She asked for opinions though? If you don't want them, why would you ask in the first place? (Obviously not applies to anyone attacking, not seen any of those though)

This is probably a horrible thread for OP to read because it hasn’t gone the way she expected.

Horrible thread for the OP to read but when she wants a professional to lie for her that's horrible too

A room that held four people including you and your husband, OP? Was it a broom closet?

I agree with BaronessBomburst. It's your right to have the wedding that you want but when you actively set out to exclude your parents from that then take the consequences.

I think it was a dickish move of both of you, the celebrant's flappy lips are incidental to that. I hope your (both of you) selfishness doesn't bite you on the arse. I'd certainly think less of you (both).

Why on earth didn't you choose a venue where you could get married and have the reception? There's enough of them around.

Basically you were trying to con everyone, thinking they were coming to your "wedding" when in actual fact you'd already got married. I think many people would have been able to tell it wasn't a proper wedding as you have to state certain sentences in a wedding to make it legal and wouldn't have had those is your "celebration".

The parents paid to see you get married. You've lied to them and conned them … I would be angry and upset too if my daughter did that to me. I'd rather her tell me the truth. And then let me decide if I wanted to attend the actual ceremony as well as the party.