Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be furious about my wedding

807 replies

Itsalltoomuch19 · 30/08/2019 07:35

So got married yesterday and want to point out it was amazing day full of the people I love and care about the most. But one thing caused me hours of stress and I think I should complain.
Our venue doesn’t have an actual marriage license so you get ‘married’ in a barn and I paid £500 for a celebrant to conduct the ceremony we met with her before and told her no one knew we were getting married a fews before and the people from the venue were coming to be witnesses so as no one felt they were not left out and both sets of parents had contributed a lot to this wedding so I didn’t want them being annoyed. An hour before I arrive my DH text me to say the celebrant has told his mum that we got married last week, he mum was upset and then asked my mum if she knew. I think she wanted to find out if my mum had been invited and not her, so now both sets of parents knew and were upset. This is all before I got there so I felt so upset and stressed by it as we didn’t want this to happen and she knew that.
Even the venue were limited and said they have never had a celebrant do this before and they have 3-5 weddings every week for the last 5 years! I really want to email her stating how stressed she made me feel and caused a bit of tension on the day but my DH thinks it’s done now we just need to face our parents today and explain the reasons and leave it

OP posts:
HappyGirl86 · 30/08/2019 16:14

@butterflywings37 I am a registrar and I know I'm biased but in my area we do a ceremony that is as good as, if not better than a celebrants.
We involve family, we help people with readings, music, and we also offer additional extras such as sand ceremonies, water ceremonies etc
The best bit.....people are legally married too!

I speak to lots of couples who want to do "the legal bit" before a celebration but I make it clear that the date of their legal wedding is the one they must use on paperwork etc
We allow 9 guests in our basic ceremony at the register office- most areas do the same.

emilybrontescorsett · 30/08/2019 16:16

Lagunabubbles
And if YOU had bothered to read the thread, then you would have seen that I had corrected my mistake.

HappyGirl86 · 30/08/2019 16:19

Spot on @TabbyMumz its not "just admin"

TabbyMumz · 30/08/2019 16:19

Ie the marriage begins with the vows, and you say them in the registration office. You say to each other "I (name) take you (name), to be my wedded husband/wife. That's the contracting words, and they are done at a registry office. To me, that's getting married, not just the legal paperwork as some people say on here.

timshelthechoice · 30/08/2019 16:24

LOL that the actual wedding is 'legal admin'. The day you do the 'legal admin' is your wedding day! I mean, duh.

WhenISnappedAndFarted · 30/08/2019 16:25

I agree with @TabbyMumz .

I can understand why they were upset especially because they contributed a lot to the wedding.

Puzzledandpissedoff · 30/08/2019 16:30

Well put, HappyGirl and Tabby… like it or not, in England that "bit of admin" is the legal marriage, regardless of how much couples spend later on a party later

Come to think of it, this might not even be just about the presents; maybe the B&G were worried the DPs would be less inclined to pay for the wedding if they knew it wasn't the real thing?

As mentioned I went to one of these, billed as a marquee with caterers, a band and goodness knows what else - only it turned out the couple were married already and the "reception" was a dirty camping tent in the garden, a CD player and a joint order at the local takeaway. The couple's comment was "well we had to do something or nobody would have given us anything"

timshelthechoice · 30/08/2019 16:32

I am a registrar and I know I'm biased but in my area we do a ceremony that is as good as, if not better than a celebrants.

And legal!

I'm properly laughing over all this bollocks over these fake weddings.

You go to change your name on your passport or with the HMRC or for your spouse to adopt your kids from your previous relationship and the authorities want the marriage certificate with the date you legally became married, they don't care about your airy fairy fluff because it's not your real wedding.

HeadsDownThumbsUpEveryone · 30/08/2019 16:37

I'm properly laughing over all this bollocks over these fake weddings.

I'm not laughing I'm actually bloody horrified so many people have posted on this thread that the legal bit is not important and its just a bit of paper. Like AccioCats said it's little wonder so many people find themselves in a situation where they are not married, their relationship breaks down and they find themselves unprotected.

butterflywings37 · 30/08/2019 16:37

@HappyGirl86 well your area sounds very different to most and there is nothing you have said there that a Celebrant (who will have spent several months working 1:1 with a couple to get to know them) couldn't do... I also don't think Registrars write fully personalised ceremony scripts - do they in your area?

There is a place for both Registrars and Celebrants - some people prefer to spend time getting to know and working with the person conducting their wedding ceremony to create a ceremony that is fully personal for them - which is why they opt for a Celebrant. Couples have options now.

Rubicon80 · 30/08/2019 16:42

a Celebrant (who will have spent several months working 1:1 with a couple to get to know them)

Blimey, it's turned into some sort of Jungian therapy process now. Because Chloe and Robert are SO unique and SO individual and SO quirky that they need 'several months working 1:1' to have the Special Day that they Truly Deserve.

Fuck me Grin

pumkinspicetime · 30/08/2019 16:44

The only thing that makes you married is the legal paperwork and the exchanges that come with it.
You could hold a big party while wearing a white dress every day for a year.
Without having had a legal ceremony you would still not be married.
It is that exchange that changes you from two single people to one couple.

LondonJax · 30/08/2019 16:47

Actually there's a very important thing that a celebrant can't do and a registrar can @butterflywings37...LEGALLY marry a couple.

A celebrant is exactly that. They celebrate the union of a couple. They cannot legally marry a couple. So if you're just having a celebrant you're not legally married until you walk into a registry office and fill in the paper work, or have a registrar performing the ceremony.

Let's not confuse the two - it's like apples and oranges, both fruit but I wouldn't want an orange crumble for dessert.

Original poster
Itsalltoomuch19 · 30/08/2019 16:49

So in reference to wanting additional gifts- that had never entered my head we didn’t have a gift list or any poems about money being a good idea as that was never something the wedding was about.
Money was contributed by both sets of parents but we paid for a lot of it ourselfs and the additional expense of an extra day when we just wanted the one day with family from other parts of the country all together with us.
As I stated the room held 4 which meant us and 2 witnesses I wasn’t included the officials of which there 2- I couldn’t pick between his parents or mine and that is not including about his step parents then children etc so we thought this was genuinely the easier way. As telling parents would make it hard as I still have siblings at home.
Having gone and spoken and explained the genuine reasons to all everyone is fine and agrees ultimately that yesterday was an amazing day, we are married and a marriage is a life time not a day so as long as we are together and happy they are good with it.

OP posts:
HappyGirl86 · 30/08/2019 16:50

Understand what you are saying @butterflywings37 we get to know the couples as much as they want- we can meet them for rehearsals, we do regular phones calls, emails etc
We can again personalise the ceremony as much as they want- we can do a lovely personal section, people can write their own vows. It's just important they say the declaratory words and the legally binding words, everything else we are happy to personalise.
We have done massive sing songs with the whole audience, all sorts!
We have won awards for our wedding ceremonies and I know what you mean, not every area is the same.

AccioCats · 30/08/2019 16:51

Ah but remember if you say wedding wedding wedding wedding wedding enough times (while crossing your fingers) then it makes it true ..... doesn’t it? GrinGrinGrin

timshelthechoice · 30/08/2019 16:51

I also don't think Registrars write fully personalised ceremony scripts - do they in your area?

Personal rather implies you used your own wits to write your own script. Hmm. Some registry offices/registrars will allow you to also say your yoonique guff alongside and as long as you say what needs to be said for the marriage to be legal.

As for working with them 1:1 for months, really? May have seen that happen with couples who are devoutly religious, but not with people who just want something off the cuff.

That's an important point, HeadsDown, MN is littered with threads from women who have given up full time work and financial independence to look after the kids they have with 'DP' and both or him claim they 'cannot afford' to get married because they need all the fripperies (or the 'DP' claims he doesn't want to get married unless they can afford all the bollocks in order to stall). It's usually people who start with 'I'm traditional, I have 1 kid with ex and DP and I are expecting our 3rd and he says marriage is 'just a piece of paper'. . .

Nixen · 30/08/2019 16:52

I was married by a humanist celebrant (in Scotland where this is an option)

She actually got struck off a few years later because a couple got married at the consulate abroad (one of them was American) and then asked her to lie to everyone about the ceremony being their legal wedding. They produced a fake wedding licence for her to sign on the day (didn’t discuss it with her beforehand) and she signed in, never intending to actually send it off for the marriage to be registered. A member of venue staff, thinking they were being helpful, posted it off to be registered..! Voila.. celebrant investigated for helping people who were already married get married. She lost her job. All because of a bride and groom.

YABU. If you’re old enough to get married then you’re old enough to stand up to mummy and daddy and explain why you did things the way you did.

butterflywings37 · 30/08/2019 16:56

@HappyGirl86 - That is really good, which isn't norm with most Registrars and gives people even more options which is important.

HeadsDownThumbsUpEveryone · 30/08/2019 16:57

Having gone and spoken and explained the genuine reasons to all everyone is fine and agrees ultimately that yesterday was an amazing day

Glad to hear everything is sorted but do you at least concede this could have been avoided if you had not lied in the first place.

Do you also acknowledge that being furious at the Celebrate is 100% unreasonable.

LondonJax · 30/08/2019 16:58

I'm glad it was all sorted out @Itsalltoomuch19.

Good luck in your married life together.

AccioCats · 30/08/2019 16:58

All good now - OP has gone from furious and wanting to complain to happily married (for over a week Grin )

Good to have a satisfactory outcome and hopefully will have learned lying is not a nice thing to do to family

butterflywings37 · 30/08/2019 16:59

@LondonJax I don't believe at any point anyone has said that a Celebrant led ceremony is legal so not quite sure what your post was about tbh!

WhenISnappedAndFarted · 30/08/2019 17:00

@Itsalltoomuch19 but they still contributed to it thinking they were going to see you get married. They didn't, so I really don't know why you're surprised they are upset.

I went to a wedding last year which had a celebrant. A loot of the people at that wedding hadn't realised it wasn't legal and they couple had gone the previous week to get married. It cost a lot of money for people to go too and a lot were annoyed.

Original poster
Itsalltoomuch19 · 30/08/2019 17:01

I thought I was making things easier clearly I have learnt you can’t please everyone so just tell it straight from the start.
I was always happily married Grin

OP posts:
Swipe left for the next trending thread