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Original poster

To be furious about my wedding

807 replies

Itsalltoomuch19 · 30/08/2019 07:35

So got married yesterday and want to point out it was amazing day full of the people I love and care about the most. But one thing caused me hours of stress and I think I should complain.
Our venue doesn’t have an actual marriage license so you get ‘married’ in a barn and I paid £500 for a celebrant to conduct the ceremony we met with her before and told her no one knew we were getting married a fews before and the people from the venue were coming to be witnesses so as no one felt they were not left out and both sets of parents had contributed a lot to this wedding so I didn’t want them being annoyed. An hour before I arrive my DH text me to say the celebrant has told his mum that we got married last week, he mum was upset and then asked my mum if she knew. I think she wanted to find out if my mum had been invited and not her, so now both sets of parents knew and were upset. This is all before I got there so I felt so upset and stressed by it as we didn’t want this to happen and she knew that.
Even the venue were limited and said they have never had a celebrant do this before and they have 3-5 weddings every week for the last 5 years! I really want to email her stating how stressed she made me feel and caused a bit of tension on the day but my DH thinks it’s done now we just need to face our parents today and explain the reasons and leave it

OP posts:
NanooCov · 30/08/2019 15:05

I don't understand why you just didn't tell your parents / in-laws?

Venue doesn't have a licence, need to do "legal" bit at registry, have booked their smallest space so only two witnesses permitted. Simple.

Are you saying you got two staff members from your reception venue to come and be witnesses? That's slightly odd. I'm amazed they could be arsed.

Not sure you can be annoyed at celebrant for not keeping such a weird secret.

celebrant · 30/08/2019 15:06

You were ripped off by the celebrant. £500 for a bit of reading out...I'm in the wrong job.

That's a bit like saying a teacher gets £30K for reading to some children.

Purpleartichoke · 30/08/2019 15:15

We didn’t lie to our family about our separate legal and spiritual wedding, but we didn’t make a formal announcement. It wasn’t a secret, it was just something we considered a complete non-issue. It was 15 years ago so I couldn’t tell you who knew and who didn’t, but no one who knew about our lunch break paperwork “wedding” cared about it.

Maybe it’s an American thing. Marriage licenses have to be obtained at very local offices and there are waiting periods. It’s annoying enough if you live on one side of a large city, but are marrying across town. If you have moved away, but are marrying in your hometown because it’s easier on your families, you would have to make an extra trip right before, but not too close to the wedding to get local paperwork. It’s easier to just do it separately.

timshelthechoice · 30/08/2019 15:17

Maybe it’s an American thing. Marriage licenses have to be obtained at very local offices and there are waiting periods.

Nope, it sure isn't because some states have no waiting period at all. And in the UK the waiting period is two weeks at a minimum.

Cliveo · 30/08/2019 15:23

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LondonJax · 30/08/2019 15:23

The thing is @NanooCov, the OP and DH had to have two staff members from the reception venue as witnesses because anyone else would realise they weren't signing a proper marriage registration certificate...and so the lies carry on.

I'm surprised a few people didn't comment on that at the 'wedding' as you normally give the witnessing role to parents or siblings/best friends etc to make it a special event. You don't normally have a super-duper venue then choose Joe from reception or Pat from the restaurant to sign when you've got a room full of family to choose from.

One lie always needs another to cover it and before you know it you have a very tangled web.

It does make you wonder though, what would have happened in future if the OP and DH hadn't been caught out. Would they have had to prime the kids not to tell Grannie that the actual anniversary of their wedding was 21st August and not 28th August or whatever?

LaBelleSauvage · 30/08/2019 15:24

Many people have a legal bit separately. In fact my German friend says it's v common in Germany because the church part is not legal. You go in to the registry office to sign during the week and then have a weekend celebration with or without a church part etc.

The issue is that most people don't lie about it. I find that quite strange and think that's why there has been an issue.

LeafyWood · 30/08/2019 15:28

Gosh I can see why your parents are upset. Nothing wrong with the nature of the ceremonies but everything wrong in the dishonesty.

QualCheckBot · 30/08/2019 15:28

Wow. Some of the responses to the OP. FWIW DH and I got married in a registry office and didn't get round to telling anyone at all until 2 weeks later. It was us getting married and not our extended family, and that's the way we wanted it.

I hope some of these posters are equally hard on criminals, drug dealers, peadophiles, etc as they are on someone who has clearly just wanted to do things their way and tried to keep it a nice surprised for everyone at the main wedding ceremony!

lyralalala · 30/08/2019 15:34

*FWIW DH and I got married in a registry office and didn't get round to telling anyone at all until 2 weeks later. It was us getting married and not our extended family, and that's the way we wanted it.

Unless you had a large shindig 2 weeks later and let them pay for it believing it was your wedding your scenario is nothing like the OP

No one is saying registry office weddings are bad, or even lesser. It’s the dishonesty in this situation that’s the issue

AccioCats · 30/08/2019 15:34

Jesus, now someone is bringing drug dealers and paedophiles into it. Hmm

Several of us have already said, nothing wrong with disappearing off and having your own private wedding and then telling everyone, if that’s what you want.

The issue here is that the OP lied. The parents believed they were being invited (and had contributed financially) to the wedding.

Still amazing that anyone can be reading this thread and not get that it’s dishonestly which is the issue here

LondonJax · 30/08/2019 15:38

Still amazing that anyone can be reading this thread and not get that it’s dishonestly which is the issue here

And that @AccioCats is probably the reason why the parents are upset. Not because of the wedding taking place as it did but because their children didn't trust them enough to be honest with them or assumed they would be annoyed (as the OP herself pointed out). If you know they're going to be annoyed why take the chance?

FrancisCrawford · 30/08/2019 15:40

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Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Rubicon80 · 30/08/2019 15:42

@QualCheckBot Wow. Some of the responses to the OP. FWIW DH and I got married in a registry office and didn't get round to telling anyone at all until 2 weeks later. It was us getting married and not our extended family, and that's the way we wanted it.

We still haven't bothered telling lots of our extended family and we got married 6 years ago. That's not the point.

Did you take large sums of money from family members to pay for your wedding and lie to them, telling them that they were going to be there when you got married, when in fact they weren't?

Did you try to make a third party continue this lie and put their own job at risk?

If not, then you didn't do the same thing as the OP.

hsegfiugseskufh · 30/08/2019 15:42

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lyralalala · 30/08/2019 15:42

Whilst someone giving you money toward, or paying for, your wedding doesn’t mean they get to dictate everything they should at least know that they’re not invited to the legal bit

The only reason not to tell them is if they will be upset by it. To not tell them, take their money and lie to their faces is just dishonest and rude.

FrancisCrawford · 30/08/2019 15:43

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Knitclubchatter · 30/08/2019 15:43

Yup, OP got caught being deceitful. No ones fault but her own.
The registry/“wedding venue” isn’t the issue nor that the official let the cat out of the bag.
OP, you need to own up to your own PR mistake.

AccioCats · 30/08/2019 15:50

I’m all for couples doing things their own way.

Like I said about 20 pages back, I’ve been invited to a celebration which took place on the first anniversary of the marriage ceremony. I didn’t even know the couple were husband and wife for several months. No problem.

But they didn’t lie about it and pretend anyone was going to a wedding when they were already husband and wife.

HappyParent2000 · 30/08/2019 15:59

You don’t need your family there to do some legal admin. You need them for when you get married, ie the actual event.

Your wedding day is the event day, not the admin day. I’m sure a quick chat with the family will resolve that, any reasonable person would agree.

AccioCats · 30/08/2019 16:01

‘Some legal admin’ GrinGrin
Another one to add to the list!

PortiaCastis · 30/08/2019 16:08

May not need your parents there, but you do need not to tell lies to those that are paying and you do need not to be so deceitful and try to drag a professional person along with your selfish charade.
If it was my dd pissing about like this on my money I'd being asking for it back and telling her she wasn't brought up to be a selfish diva princess who has no thought for her bankrollers

TabbyMumz · 30/08/2019 16:13

Your wedding day is the day you do the legal admin. Thats when you make your declaratory words to each other and the celebratory words. Those words and signing the official register, make your wedding a fact. Its not a legal admin day.

LagunaBubbles · 30/08/2019 16:13

Here’s the thing under uk law you cannot get married where you want
That is the simple truth

Emily really? I think you will find there is no such thing as "UK law" since the UK is made up of separate countries. No doubt you will be assuming everything is the same as English law. You are wrong. Scottish law let's you get married where you like as long as you arrange someone to marry you. Now that is the simple truth!

really don’t know why people are getting so wound up

And if you had actually bothered to read the thread rather than making another ill-informed statement you would see it's because the OP lied to both sets of parents and then is taking the huff she has been found out, projecting her anger into the celebrant for a start.

Puzzledandpissedoff · 30/08/2019 16:14

Noticeable that OP hasn't been back to say why they didn't just book a bigger room at the register office, a venue which could host an actual marriage, simply explain what they were doing to the family or whatever - maybe most replies aren't to her taste?

FWIW I agree the registrar shouldn't really have spoken up, but I'm left wondering if, like a couple I know who did the same thing, this isn't a case of "the presents won't be as good if they know it's not our real wedding"