To be furious about my wedding

[Itsalltoomuch19]

So got married yesterday and want to point out it was amazing day full of the people I love and care about the most. But one thing caused me hours of stress and I think I should complain.
Our venue doesn’t have an actual marriage license so you get ‘married’ in a barn and I paid £500 for a celebrant to conduct the ceremony we met with her before and told her no one knew we were getting married a fews before and the people from the venue were coming to be witnesses so as no one felt they were not left out and both sets of parents had contributed a lot to this wedding so I didn’t want them being annoyed. An hour before I arrive my DH text me to say the celebrant has told his mum that we got married last week, he mum was upset and then asked my mum if she knew. I think she wanted to find out if my mum had been invited and not her, so now both sets of parents knew and were upset. This is all before I got there so I felt so upset and stressed by it as we didn’t want this to happen and she knew that.
Even the venue were limited and said they have never had a celebrant do this before and they have 3-5 weddings every week for the last 5 years! I really want to email her stating how stressed she made me feel and caused a bit of tension on the day but my DH thinks it’s done now we just need to face our parents today and explain the reasons and leave it

That’s lovely for you Purpleartichoke.

Presumably you didn’t lie to your family about it though

It was as meaningful as filling out a tax form or getting a driver’s license.

To you. Definitely not to the state. Non-legal ceremonies are meaningless. Bit of silliness for the couple to indulge in and perhaps lie to guests about. Can't tell the court you have a driving license because you had a party to celebrate getting one when you didn't or the HMRC that you did your taxes because you declared in front of a bunch of people that you had and then had a party about it. Date of marriage is the day you did it legally.

The OP lied about this to her folks and her guests and is now crying foul that she and her H have been caught out.

Wow.
Here’s the thing under uk law you cannot get married where you want.
That is the simple truth.

In the past if you wanted to marry there were 2 options either

1. a church
2. a register office. Many many people could not get married in a church for various reasons.

The law was then updated to allow people to marry in ‘approved venues’.

Obviously the setting where the op and her dh wanted to have their wedding is not legally endorsed to perform legal ceremonies.

So the op and her dh did the legal bit in the register office and then had a lovely wedding celebration in the venue of their choice.

I really don’t know why people are getting so wound up.

Register weddings have limitations on numbers/times etc etc,
Churches are not required to marry any Tom, Dick or Harry ( no offence) but seriously, unless you are still living at home and don’t have children and have never been married and attend church then is it really for you.

Therefore the options are:

Find an overpriced approved venue to hold your wedding
Or do as the op has done.

In all honesty, lots of people have an official ceremony and then go on to have a symbolic wedding in a venue if their choice.

SHE SHOULDNT HAVE AGREED TO GO ALOING WITH IT IN THE FIRST PLACE

She probably agreed not to actually go up to someone and say 'BTW did you know x and y got married last Tuesday?' She probably agreed not to mention it in the ceremony.

What she can't agree to (as has been said over and over again on here) is if someone asks a question about the 'wedding' she would lie. That's fraud!

If MIL said 'Uncle Billy says this place isn't licensed for weddings, is that right?' or 'can we take a photograph of the actual registry entry' (which you can't because it's a legal document). She can say 'yes you can take a photo of the certificate because it's not the registry entry' - cue a question about that. She can't imply that the certificate is an actual registry marriage entry (that's fraudulent).

She can't say 'oh Uncle Billy's wrong' because the place isn't licensed for marriage ceremonies - cue another question.

There are a lot of questions someone could ask where the celebrant can't imply the answer is A when it's really B as a legal marriage is exactly that - legal. If she lies on certain questions she is committing fraud.

As the OP still hasn't come back to say under what circumstances the celebrant actually let slip it's all speculation. What's not speculation is that the OP and her DH wouldn't be in this predicament if they had just told the truth in the first place. Better to have had the tantrums or bad feeling before the ceremony day than on it - but OP has already said she didn't want them to be 'annoyed'.

It reads to me as if OP and DH had set their heart on the venue and put the fact that it was unlicensed to the back of their mind. They've now got bitten.

@alsohuman if you've counted, i'd suggest you were over invested also....

im done now to be honest, cant be arsed with posters who are deliberately obtuse, cant read, etc etc. Ill leave you all to your little bitch fest.

In Scotland you may marry where you want as long as there is an official registrar officiating.

I guess the good point is that if you're a guest you're probably watching a real wedding and not a fake one.

Therefore the options are:

Find an overpriced approved venue to hold your wedding
Or do as the op has done.

Or, Secret Option C:
Be honest with the parents that they can't have the legal ceremony as part of the wedding they want, so they're doing that on the quiet before the big party day.

I can see why they'd be upset to find out that they weren't there to watch their children actually get married, in the usual, legal, sense of the word.

I'm grumpy at the grand age of 29 but it's this sort of thing that cheapens marriage by making it more about the show than the legal commitment.

For anyone new coming to the thread not wanting to read all 22 page this sums it up in a nutshell:

As the OP still hasn't come back to say under what circumstances the celebrant actually let slip it's all speculation. What's not speculation is that the OP and her DH wouldn't be in this predicament if they had just told the truth in the first place.

I bet the couple came out of the register office, looked at each other, smiled and said "We've actually done it, we're married".

I bet they had little jokes for a week about being husband and wife. How could they not?

It wasn't just paperwork, they got married. Their parents missed it.

Here’s the thing under uk law you cannot get married where you want.

In English law you cannot get married where you want. Not sure about Wales.

In Scotland the celebrant (in the case of Humanists) have the authority, not the building, so you can get married anywhere that’s decent and respectful. Hence Scottish weddings in gardens, on mountains and by the sea.

"Even the venue were limited and said they have never had a celebrant do this before and they have 3-5 weddings every week for the last 5 years"

Perhaps that's because other couples hadn't lied?

I'd be really annoyed to think that I was going to a wedding when I wasn't.

Sorry, that should have said if I thought I was going to see a couple get married .

*including Humanists that should say

You lied to people and invited them to a party not s wedding

I would be annoyed as a guest and very upset as family

The ceremony is the important part. The rest is just fluff

emily You missed out the option of just planning a simple legal marriage ceremony, throwing a big celebration a week later and not deceiving anyone into thinking anything different

Sounds by far the best option to me

I'm out too but these threads where an OP starts something and the majority think they are BU so they don't come back, are very annoying.

Bottom line for me is... don't take money for something that is not what you say it is.

And don't expect people to lie for you, be upfront and honest, that is what everyone would prefer.

Acciocats yes true I was just thinking about that.
Lots of people have a party after their wedding day and people go and celebrate with them.

You were ripped off by the celebrant.

£500 for a bit of reading out....I'm in the wrong job.

Actually DSs friends mum is a celebrant. I didn't realise it paid so well. She once did a nudist wedding. Actually I'd want a lot more than £500 for that.

I think £500 is about average for celebration of a wedding. Less I believe for naming celebrations. But yes I’d want a fuck load more to be a celebrant for nudists

emilybrontescorsett

Churches are not required to marry any Tom, Dick or Harry ( no offence) but seriously, unless you are still living at home and don’t have children and have never been married and attend church then is it really for you.

My local Catholic priest seemed to think so 

Ok I'll stand corrected. In England you can't get married where you want.

All these people saying a marriage at a registry office is just paperwork and boring are being nasty to all those people who get married at a registry office and that's their main ceremony. It's not just an office, some are really done up nice, and a ceremony takes place, in that you both read out a commitment to each other and the registrar marries you. You are then officially married. It's not like just going for a meeting. You only have to spend some time outside of one to see how happy people are when they come out and have confetti thrown over them and photos taken. To do a pretend ceremony the week after is just ridiculous.

That’s is not the impression given

wrong.