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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be furious about my wedding

807 replies

Itsalltoomuch19 · 30/08/2019 07:35

So got married yesterday and want to point out it was amazing day full of the people I love and care about the most. But one thing caused me hours of stress and I think I should complain.
Our venue doesn’t have an actual marriage license so you get ‘married’ in a barn and I paid £500 for a celebrant to conduct the ceremony we met with her before and told her no one knew we were getting married a fews before and the people from the venue were coming to be witnesses so as no one felt they were not left out and both sets of parents had contributed a lot to this wedding so I didn’t want them being annoyed. An hour before I arrive my DH text me to say the celebrant has told his mum that we got married last week, he mum was upset and then asked my mum if she knew. I think she wanted to find out if my mum had been invited and not her, so now both sets of parents knew and were upset. This is all before I got there so I felt so upset and stressed by it as we didn’t want this to happen and she knew that.
Even the venue were limited and said they have never had a celebrant do this before and they have 3-5 weddings every week for the last 5 years! I really want to email her stating how stressed she made me feel and caused a bit of tension on the day but my DH thinks it’s done now we just need to face our parents today and explain the reasons and leave it

OP posts:
LagunaBubbles · 30/08/2019 13:50

have a good relationship with my mum and step dad, thank you very much. They wouldn't expect me to make important decisions solely based on their feelings and not my own, though

I said your view on others emotions, nor what your actual relationships is like, because of your "tough tits" exclamation. Because you should be able to see why in the context of a normal, loving, healthy, non abusive parent child relationship that a parent would be upset their own child had lied to them about their wedding. It's really not about "making decisions based solely on the parents feelings" though either. It's about treating with with respect and being honest. I can't think of one good reason why you wouldn't if there wasn't anything wrong with your relationship.

Rubicon80 · 30/08/2019 13:51

@Bonjourfreddie rubicon legally then (because that's what I am saying) how does the parents status change having witnessed (not legally just with their eyes) their childs wedding? enlighten me.

Not that I believe that should be the criterion for whether or not people feel they would like to attend, but as it happens, the parents ARE directly affected legally by their children getting married, as they are no longer the next of kin or the beneficiaries if they die intestate.

But if you think that that should be the basis on which people should or shouldn't want to attend an event, absolutely none of it matters and no one should ever attend anything - weddings, barmitzvahs, funerals, etc. unless it has a direct impact on their own legal status.

Oh and by the way, the distinction between 'legally witnessing' and 'seeing with your own eyes' is not the huge gulf you seem to think it is. Our mothers were our two witnesses, so they are legally recorded in the register as having been there (our fathers are named on the marriage certificate anyway as per the current, sexist UK law).

Above all, the point is that the parents WERE very unhappy and upset by this, and that the OP and her husband deliberately lied to them knowing that they would be. And she's trying to blame someone else for it. That's shit and it's not OK no matter how much you try to twist it.

Tonnerre · 30/08/2019 13:51

If she had to legally make any guest aware on the day she should have made you aware of this beforehand.

Legalities aren't really the issue, though, are they? She was put into an impossible position. If, say, one of the parents asked what the arrangements were for signing the register, she couldn't lie, and if she stayed mysteriously silent they'd work it out anyway.

timshelthechoice · 30/08/2019 13:51

'I wanted someone to lie for me because I paid her. AIBU?' more likes.

hsegfiugseskufh · 30/08/2019 13:51

I don't think it is common sense for someone who hasn't been married before...

OP didn't ask her to pretend she was doing anything, I think she just didn't want her to announce that the legal bit had taken place a week ago?

maybe those of us who know it all, are experienced, have been to hundreds of weddings would think it common sense, but its obviously not or this wouldn't have happened.

FrancisCrawford · 30/08/2019 13:52

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

celebrant · 30/08/2019 13:53

@BonjourFreddie we can't know if the celebrant 'promised one thing and did another'. It is speculation. All the OP says is: we met with her before and told her no one knew we were getting married a few [day]s before

None of us know what the conversation was, or what the celebrant's response was. Maybe it was unclear as to whether the family didn't know before the legal marriage. The celebrant may have assumed the since she didn't have the authority to conduct a legal wedding, and in any case that the venue wasn't licenced, then everyone would know the truth by the time of the wedding. Who knows? Certainly not any of us.

I agree that the communication between the OP and the celebrant was not clear enough, a shared responsibility, imo

hsegfiugseskufh · 30/08/2019 13:54

ARE directly affected legally by their children getting married, as they are no longer the next of kin or the beneficiaries if they die intestate

not if they have children but ok fair point.

I haven't said none of it matters, I was purely talking from a legal perspective.

she's blaming the officiant for telling them when she had asked her not to....I get that.

Yes, she could have / should have told them and avoided this, however she is upset with someone else for doing that and she is entitled to be.

hsegfiugseskufh · 30/08/2019 13:55

francis you have entirely misunderstood. I was talking about signing the register in the context of a legal wedding. Ie seeing that bit legally makes no difference to anyone else.

Sigh.

I give up.

FrancisCrawford · 30/08/2019 13:57

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

hsegfiugseskufh · 30/08/2019 13:59

francis FFS! I haven't said she should lie, but the op suggests she agreed to go along with it. I am saying SHE SHOULDNT HAVE AGREED TO GO ALOING WITH IT IN THE FIRST PLACE.

hsegfiugseskufh · 30/08/2019 13:59

Christ on a bike. I really am out now.

Tonnerre · 30/08/2019 14:00

the celebrant should have not agreed to something she wasn't willing to do

I haven't seen anything that says she did agree, or indeed that she was asked to keep quiet - the OP is really ambiguous.

FrancisCrawford · 30/08/2019 14:01

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

AccioCats · 30/08/2019 14:02

FFS We don’t know that the celebrant did agree to go along with anything!

wowfudge · 30/08/2019 14:03

A register office wedding actually conveys the solemnity of entering into a marriage contract in a way that other forms of marriage service do not. All too often it seems that having a big do with all the trappings is more important than the actual marriage.

FrancisCrawford · 30/08/2019 14:03

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Purpleartichoke · 30/08/2019 14:06

Our marriage began the day we had a ceremony with all our friends and family. That is our anniversary.

Our legal marriage began on a completely different day, in a completely different location. I couldn’t tell you what day it was because it didn’t matter to us personally. It was as meaningful as filling out a tax form or getting a driver’s license. We went over our lunch break and picked up some fast food afterwards because we had to hurry back to work.

hsegfiugseskufh · 30/08/2019 14:06

OP obviously thinks she did or this wouldn't have happened!!

hsegfiugseskufh · 30/08/2019 14:07

francis youre not reading my posts properly, youre being deliberately obtuse. I understand exactly what a wedding is thank you very much.

HeadsDownThumbsUpEveryone · 30/08/2019 14:10

our legal marriage began on a completely different day, in a completely different location. I couldn’t tell you what day it was because it didn’t matter to us personally.

Does it not pose a problem if you cannot remember the actual marriage date when you need to give your date of marriage? Genuinely curious as I've had to give this information out numerous times since I got married.

PortiaCastis · 30/08/2019 14:10

Asking someone to lie for you is pretty low and entitled and puts their job at risk.

Alsohuman · 30/08/2019 14:12

Did you know you’ve posted to this thread over 100 times @Bonjourfreddie? If you’re not OP, perhaps you’re a tad over invested?

OtraCosaMariposa · 30/08/2019 14:13

Our legal marriage began on a completely different day, in a completely different location. I couldn’t tell you what day it was because it didn’t matter to us personally.

Which is all fine. But that's your legal wedding day, not your subsequent celebration with family. And as I keep saying, nobody has an issue with the two ceremonies scenario.

People do have issues with the OP trying to dupe people into thinking it WAS the legal bit.

womenspeakout · 30/08/2019 14:15

I think if youre contributing to a wedding you shouldn't expect to have a say. I think if you don't like that, don't contribute.

No, but you'd expect to actually see the marriage take place.....