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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be furious about my wedding

807 replies

Itsalltoomuch19 · 30/08/2019 07:35

So got married yesterday and want to point out it was amazing day full of the people I love and care about the most. But one thing caused me hours of stress and I think I should complain.
Our venue doesn’t have an actual marriage license so you get ‘married’ in a barn and I paid £500 for a celebrant to conduct the ceremony we met with her before and told her no one knew we were getting married a fews before and the people from the venue were coming to be witnesses so as no one felt they were not left out and both sets of parents had contributed a lot to this wedding so I didn’t want them being annoyed. An hour before I arrive my DH text me to say the celebrant has told his mum that we got married last week, he mum was upset and then asked my mum if she knew. I think she wanted to find out if my mum had been invited and not her, so now both sets of parents knew and were upset. This is all before I got there so I felt so upset and stressed by it as we didn’t want this to happen and she knew that.
Even the venue were limited and said they have never had a celebrant do this before and they have 3-5 weddings every week for the last 5 years! I really want to email her stating how stressed she made me feel and caused a bit of tension on the day but my DH thinks it’s done now we just need to face our parents today and explain the reasons and leave it

OP posts:
pumkinspicetime · 30/08/2019 13:31

OP can't expect the celebrant to lie for her, that would be unethical.
There was nothing wrong with what OP apart from trying to keep it a secret from her parents. This was particularly mean as they were paying for the celebration they thought was a wedding.

AccioCats · 30/08/2019 13:31

BendydickCuminsnatch (The best name btw!)

Agree. Bizarre isn’t it? I guess lying must come easily to some people.

Alsohuman · 30/08/2019 13:32

Yes, it’s paperwork. It’s also the point at which the actual marriage takes place. Which is kind of the entire point. The rest is just frills.

PortiaCastis · 30/08/2019 13:34

Bloody hell how selfish and entitled can you get

Rubicon80 · 30/08/2019 13:36

@Bonjourfreddie well it is paperwork, - its signing a book and yes its very important and means a lot to the couple because theyre signing something legally binding.

Once again you keep describing it as a 'paperwork' even though I and many other posters have told you, over and over again, that it is not just 'signing a book' but also SAYING YOUR VOWS.

You are deliberately leaving that out because it makes it a lot more obvious that it's the actual marriage taking place, and makes it clear why the parents in question are so hurt and upset to be excluded from it - as indeed they are.

hsegfiugseskufh · 30/08/2019 13:36

@alsohuman yes I know that.... I just said seeing that bit legally makes no difference to anyone else. The op clearly didn't see it like that.

AmaryllisNightAndDay · 30/08/2019 13:37

Even the venue were limited and said they have never had a celebrant do this before and they have 3-5 weddings every week for the last 5 years

Which makes me wonder exactly what was said, and who said it.

I really want to email her stating how stressed she made me feel and caused a bit of tension on the day

I wouldn't bet that it was the celebrant who dropped you in it. Someone else might have accidentally said something or MiL could have worked it out for herself, and then she asked the celebrant just to be sure.

The tension on the day was because you didn't sort things out with your parents and inlaws in advance.

but my DH thinks it’s done now we just need to face our parents today and explain the reasons and leave it

And he is right. There is no point worrying who let the cat out of the bag. Just be careful how you explain - anything that comes across as "we thought you wouldn't pay for it if you knew the truth" will probably go down badly.

HeadsDownThumbsUpEveryone · 30/08/2019 13:37

You can rant until the cows come home about how its ops fault, but the celebrant promised her one thing and did another.

If the celebrant had been honest about what she could actually do, this wouldn't have happened

I don't see where the OP said the elebrate agreed to keep it all a secret, surely no Celebrate would ever agree to pretend the wedding was official as it would mean they could lose their job?

hsegfiugseskufh · 30/08/2019 13:37

rubicon I have already said I know you say your vows....

I know that's when the actual marriage takes place.... I haven't said any different?

I know why they're upset, they wanted to see the actual legal bit and the first set of vows rather than the second. But its done......

hsegfiugseskufh · 30/08/2019 13:38

heads

I paid £500 for a celebrant to conduct the ceremony we met with her before and told her no one knew we were getting married a fews before and the people from the venue were coming to be witnesses so as no one felt they were not left out and both sets of parents had contributed a lot to this wedding so I didn’t want them being annoyed.

that to me said they had a conversation about it,.

Rubicon80 · 30/08/2019 13:39

Bonjourfreddie rubicon I have already said I know you say your vows....
I know that's when the actual marriage takes place.... I haven't said any different? I know why they're upset, they wanted to see the actual legal bit and the first set of vows rather than the second. But its done......

You have though. You have repeatedly described it as 'paperwork' and said that it 'makes no difference' to anyone except the couple getting married, even though that is patently untrue.

It is not 'the first set of vows rather than the second'. The 'first set', as you describe them, are the ACTUAL marriage vows. The couple saying those are actually getting married.

The 'second set' don't, ultimately, mean anything. They could not bother to say them and it wouldn't make any difference at all to anything. THOSE are the ones that 'don't make any difference to anyone'.

thunderandsunshine01 · 30/08/2019 13:40

Wow actually cannot believe how rude some people are being. This is meant to be a forum to seek advise and support, not to bat each other down like that - whether you agree with OP choices or not! Very catty behaviour.
IMO you are not being unreasonable at all. You wanted your wedding yesterday to feel like the special event that it was, and didn’t want to take that feeling away from your parents yesterday. I’d have done the same - and kept the day as magical as possible for as many people as possible, parents especially!! Def complain. If she had to legally make any guest aware on the day she should have made you aware of this beforehand.

Rubicon80 · 30/08/2019 13:40

@AmaryllisNightAndDay F

Just be careful how you explain - anything that comes across as "we thought you wouldn't pay for it if you knew the truth" will probably go down badly.

More lies then... Hmm

hsegfiugseskufh · 30/08/2019 13:41

Crikey, I can't imagine what your view of attachment, relationships and emotions are of you display such a horrible view as this about the actual parents of the bride and groom

I have a good relationship with my mum and step dad, thank you very much. They wouldn't expect me to make important decisions solely based on their feelings and not my own, though.

I probably, if this was me, would have told them. However I wouldn't have accepted their money either so....

timshelthechoice · 30/08/2019 13:42

well it is paperwork, - its signing a book and yes its very important and means a lot to the couple because theyre signing something legally binding.

You don't just show up and 'sign a book'. You apply for the license, you book a time, you need two witnesses besides the registrar, you speak vows to each other to state your intention to marry the other person and be their spouse. It is not 'just some paperwork'.

Let's see, I have a mate who naturalised as a UK citizen. Had to apply for it, got given a time to attend a ceremony and if you don't go you are not fully naturalised and cannot get a passport. But let's see, how about you just skip all that and have a big party and then try to get the passport, which is just a 'piece of paper' and see how that flies with the Home Office . . . Hmm

It's a fake wedding and they lied about the real one to everyone and expected the celebrant to lie for them.

hsegfiugseskufh · 30/08/2019 13:42

rubicon legally then (because that's what I am saying)

how does the parents status change having witnessed (not legally just with their eyes) their childs wedding?

enlighten me.

alittleprivacy · 30/08/2019 13:42

Nothing wrong with having the legal wedding and the emotional wedding separately if it's necessary as it often is for a variety of reasons. It wouldn't be my choice but I respect that it's often someone else's. However the problem here was caused by doing that as a subterfuge rather than being up front. It's not anybody else's fault. The subterfuge is what has upset people and unfortunately left you feeling like your wedding was somewhat marred. But maybe use it as a starting point in forming more honest habits and undertaking to deal with potential conflict head on at a time you can control rather than letting it blindside you at a bad time.

hsegfiugseskufh · 30/08/2019 13:43

I know all that time I am just saying the only people the ceremony makes any difference to LEGALLY is the couple.

I haven't once said "its just a piece of paper"

HeadsDownThumbsUpEveryone · 30/08/2019 13:43

that to me said they had a conversation about it,.

Well yes they obviously discussed it but it doesn't say the Celebrate said of course I will keep this a secret. All it does is say that the OP told the Celebrate that they had already had the ceremony which I'm the Celebrate already knew.

It doesn't suggest at all that it was some huge secret which must be maintained just that no one knew yet that they would have already gotten married. If I were the Celebrate I would presume they would inform their guests they had already had the marriage ceremony in between our meeting and the wedding ceremony taking place.

Alsohuman · 30/08/2019 13:44

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hsegfiugseskufh · 30/08/2019 13:45

well yes heads but It doesn't seem like the celebrant did her job properly does it? she should have explained like @celebrant said and it seems like she didn't.

either way, its happened, op is entitled to be annoyed, the parents are annoyed, op is probably sobbing somewhere now having read this thread.

AccioCats · 30/08/2019 13:46

It’s not up to any of us to dictate whether attending the actual marriage ceremony or attending a big party is the ‘most important’ thing. It depends on the individual. I know some people who wouldn’t give a shiny shit about the marriage ceremony and the party would be everything for them.
Equally I know people who would place far more significance on the actual marriage and wouldn’t give two hoots for the party.

The only relevant issue here is that the OP set out to deceive the parents about what they were attending.

It really is that simple.

We can debate what they may have liked/wanted/felt til the cows come home.

But the bottom line is, the OP started a lie and involved a third party in it. That was her choice.

hsegfiugseskufh · 30/08/2019 13:46

oh go away @alsohuman I am allowed an opinion.

melj1213 · 30/08/2019 13:47

Def complain. If she had to legally make any guest aware on the day she should have made you aware of this beforehand.

Tbh I would expect people to have enough common sense that if it is not a legal ceremony then nobody would be pretending it was. Perhaps the celebrant could have been more explicit but I would also expect "I will not lie, even by omission, if someone directly asks me if this is a legal ceremony" would be a given.

Also, it depends on how it came up - if the OPs MIL asked a direct question regarding a legal point (the marriage certificate, who the witnesses were, when/where the signing would be, why certain legal parts weren't in the ceremony like asking about lawful impediments to the marriage etc) then the celebrant cannot lie as they can lose their job if they are found d to be misrepresenting their role.

HeadsDownThumbsUpEveryone · 30/08/2019 13:49

but It doesn't seem like the celebrant did her job properly does it? she should have explained like @celebrant said and it seems like she didn't.

But that's the point we don't know that she didn't explain it and to be honest surely its common sense to know that you cannot expect someone to pretend to officiate a marriage. It doesn't take a genius to know that a Celebrate isn't going to risk their job to lie and pretend they are conducting a marriage ceremony.

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