To be furious about my wedding

[Itsalltoomuch19]

So got married yesterday and want to point out it was amazing day full of the people I love and care about the most. But one thing caused me hours of stress and I think I should complain.
Our venue doesn’t have an actual marriage license so you get ‘married’ in a barn and I paid £500 for a celebrant to conduct the ceremony we met with her before and told her no one knew we were getting married a fews before and the people from the venue were coming to be witnesses so as no one felt they were not left out and both sets of parents had contributed a lot to this wedding so I didn’t want them being annoyed. An hour before I arrive my DH text me to say the celebrant has told his mum that we got married last week, he mum was upset and then asked my mum if she knew. I think she wanted to find out if my mum had been invited and not her, so now both sets of parents knew and were upset. This is all before I got there so I felt so upset and stressed by it as we didn’t want this to happen and she knew that.
Even the venue were limited and said they have never had a celebrant do this before and they have 3-5 weddings every week for the last 5 years! I really want to email her stating how stressed she made me feel and caused a bit of tension on the day but my DH thinks it’s done now we just need to face our parents today and explain the reasons and leave it

I don't personally think I would be bothered if I missed my child going to the registry office and getting legally married if there was a wedding ceremony in a weeks time that I was fully part of

I don't think there is anyone on here disputing that. It's the not knowing that is the crux of the matter. Thinking you are attending a wedding when you are not.

I am surprised that one of the 4 (parents and ILs) didn't google the venue and find that it has no licence for marriage. I would've found that out easy peasy, even if I was just a guest!

The parents haven't been shut out of anything except some paperwork

The 'some paperwork' that's the marriage, that's it, the whole thing. When they went to the registry office and said those vows and signed the forms, that's the moment they got married, went from single to married people.

Their parents missed that. The rest is nothing but a party, the marriage is already done.

no francis they're not. a simple YABU you cant expect a celebrant to lie, would have sufficed. Not all the abuse that has ensued.

Womenspeakout - scary isn’t it that some women think otherwise.

Honestly I’ve despaired over other threads where women end up living with men and having kids, sometimes giving up their careers and so on, without the legal protection of marriage.
This thread goes some way to explaining how that happens:
‘It’s just a bit of paper’
‘It’s the boring bit’
‘It’s not important’

Having a different opinion is not 'abuse'.

I haven't seen a single post on this thread that I would class as even remotely abusive or rude.

So your parents paid for your wedding but didn't actually get to see you get married? I would be pissed off and upset too!!

I assume you lied to them about it because you knew they wouldn't be happy?

I think the celebrant did you a favour, how long do you think you could have kept the charade up?
You can say you would celebrate your anniversary on the date of your party, but on all paperwork and legal documents you may need to fill it you will have to put in the correct date.
What would you tell any DC? It would all get very confusing?
The truth is out, give your excuses/reasons and apologiise if you need too.

Hmm I think it's a shame the celebrant said anything. A few years ago a friend of mine got married in a rush as her father was terminally ill and wanted to see her married. You have to give 28 days notice to marry which they didn't have so they had a "ceremony" and big day so he could be there then a few months later (after he died) they went to a registry office. Imagine the celebrant had said something in that situation! I don't think its a big deal anyway and I know another person who did similar (other way around so registry office first) for other very valid reasons.

@Bonjourfreddie rubicon i wouldn't accept anyones money for my wedding anyway

Glad to hear it.

but anyone whos not a push over would have the wedding they want, not the wedding mummy and daddy want.

Parents having some input into a wedding that they've paid for is not 'being a pushover'. It's the way things have traditionally been done.

Both my mum and my MIL have told me how their own weddings were as much about their own parents celebrating with their friends and family, as they were for the couple getting married and their own group of friends. The parents would pay for the 'do' and an important part of that is that it was very much 'their' celebration too.

That is still the case with traditional weddings whether they are Christian, Jewish, Hindu, etc. Especially when the bride and groom are very young.

What some people seem to think is acceptable, now, is to let their parents pay for all/most of the costs, but still take this awful entitled attitude of "it's MY day and no one else gets a say in it!"

It's understandable (though still a bit shitty) to take that view if you are paying for it yourself. But to have your parents pay for it and still deny them any role in the planning is appalling. To then take it to the next level by not only denying them the chance to see you get married, but actually trying to deceive them about it, is shitty beyond words.

OP and her husband have lied, taken money under false pretences, tried to blame it on third party just doing their job, and really upset both of their parents in the process.

Because no matter how often you say you would be fine with it, they are not, and that's the reality.

As a parent of adult dc (rather than a professional celebrant) I would be happy for dc to have whatever kind of ceremony they wanted, legal, non-legal, whether I was invited or not. Up to them.

However, by not telling her parents the true position, the OP has involved her parents in the lie. Aside from any financial contribution, presumably the parents were excitedly talking about the 'wedding' to friends, family.

After the event (assuming that the subterfuge had not been discovered) they might be talking about how personal / beautiful the ceremony was, all the time thinking it was a legal marriage ceremony that they were talking about.

Then if one of the parents was asked if the wedding in X place was legal, the parents might have said 'yes' - (because they wouldn't know it wasn't) thereby making them unknowing participants in the same lie.

I would be furious about that, and I'd feel really foolish that I hadn't known.

It's the way things have traditionally been done

a lot of things are done traditionally, it doesn't make it right.

I know theyre not fine with it, but its done now, and its also not what the op wanted opinions on.

@Bonjourfreddie a lot of things are done traditionally, it doesn't make it right.

So you think it's fine to let people pay thousands of pounds to host a huge event but not to allow them any say in what happens at that event or to invite any of their own friends or family? You think that's morally OK?

I know theyre not fine with it, but its done now, and its also not what the op wanted opinions on.

That's not really how discussion forums work.

And whether or not the OP is being unreasonable to be angry with the celebrant does kind of depend on all of the other things being discussed here.

I think if youre contributing to a wedding you shouldn't expect to have a say. I think if you don't like that, don't contribute.

I'm just pointing out the actual AIBU...…..

I don't personally think it does, it was a pretty simple question but ok. Its clear you want to kick the op while she's down. Whatever makes you feel better.

That's how people get the ceremony and the party they actually want. The parents haven't been shut out of anything except some paperwork.

God forbid the people not get what they want?! Oh, lord, no!

Mick Jagger and Jerry Hall had a speshul, personally crafted ceremony. But, well, the court found they were not legally married because they hadn't done that damn paperwork that was the actual wedding. The frou frou counted for nothing, they weren't legally wed. Cost Jerry when she went to divorce him and was found not to have been married. Needless to say, she didn't make that mistake again when she hooked up with the next billionaire.

I think we all agree that the paperwork is very important to the couple but legally, it makes no difference to anyone else attending the wedding.

@Bonjourfreddie I think if youre contributing to a wedding you shouldn't expect to have a say. I think if you don't like that, don't contribute.

See, I'd flip that around, and say "if you don't want people to have a say in your event [wedding or anything else] then don't take their money."

It's just really rude and spoilt behaviour to do otherwise.

Its clear you want to kick the op while she's down. Whatever makes you feel better.

What on earth makes you think it's about my feelings? Odd.

I don't like rude, entitled, disrespectful, materialistic, dishonest behaviour, and I don't like it when people try to blame other people for the consequences of their own awful actions.

The OP said this:
I really want to email her stating how stressed she made me feel and caused a bit of tension on the day but my DH thinks it’s done now we just need to face our parents today and explain the reasons and leave it

So actually it was very much about whether or not the 'newlyweds' were going to take responsibility for their own choices, or continue trying to blame someone else.

@Bonjourfreddie

Why do you keep referring to the actual marriage ceremony as 'some paperwork'?

It's not 'some paperwork'. It's the couple actually getting married to each other.

Being an adult is:

‘We want to have a very low key wedding ceremony in a registry office. We know this is the actual marriage and we’ll be husband and wife from that point, but this isn’t the most important part to us. The important part is having a big party a week later. This is what we’re inviting you to. Obviously that will cost a lot of money and we’re very grateful to you for contributing to it.’

Being selfish and entitled is not having the guts to just say the above (or perhaps not wanting to risk the parents not contributing!) and starting a lie which then escalates to wanting a third party to lie for you too.

This could so easily have been avoided.

@Titsywoo I have held a ceremony in a similar situation. But again it was explicit that this was a symbolic ceremony, so the groom's terminally ill mother could attend, witness the couple making their vows and exchanging rings, and could be part of the group of family and friends wishing the couple well for their future together.

I then held the legal marriage a few months later, and we included references to the previous ceremony and how glad the couple were to have done that (the grooms mother died a couple of days after the ceremony).

I don't imagine that particular couple would have felt good about pretending to a dying woman that they were actually getting married.

well it is paperwork, - its signing a book and yes its very important and means a lot to the couple because theyre signing something legally binding.

My friends got married the week before their ‘wedding’ and we all found out at the wedding. If they had just said ‘we’re doing a registry office the week before because the venue which is dear to our hearts is not registered for weddings, so we’ll have a blessing there before the reception’ - FINE. The problem is they stood there pretending to everyone that this was their real wedding, and then when we found out it really took away from the ceremony we had just witnessed and made me wonder why the big secret??? It was like a weird act. Like why pretend you’re not already married? Just bizarre!!

they should take responsibility rubicon however, the celebrant should have not agreed to something she wasn't willing to do, therefore op is not BU to be angry because someone didn't do what they said they would.

You can rant until the cows come home about how its ops fault, but the celebrant promised her one thing and did another.

If the celebrant had been honest about what she could actually do, this wouldn't have happened.

no they weren't happy but tough tits! it wasn't their wedding!

Crikey, I can't imagine what your view of attachment, relationships and emotions are of you display such a horrible view as this about the actual parents of the bride and groom.

I think this all hinges on the fact that the OP and her DH appear to want to avoid conflict rather than be grown ups.

First they dash off to get married in a registry office...with two witnesses who, presumably, are also in on 'the secret'. They didn't invite the two mums to be witnesses. Then gave the idea that the 'wedding' at the weekend was the real deal - because they didn't want to explain themselves/didn't want the hassle of an argument about parents paying for something that didn't really happen/didn't want to upset the family (who knows - that's not been explained unless I've missed it in 20 pages).

So who did the family assume were 'witnessing' the 'marriage' at the weekend? Because you have to have witnesses at a wedding - you don't at a celebration. Perhaps that started the conversation with the celebrant. Again, who knows because I can't see what the first mum said or did that prompted the celebrant to tell her it wasn't the actual wedding day.

Then, the OP and DH put the whole debacle in action by not having the guts to stand up and say 'look, we got married last week. Here's our reasons. But we're having a blessing/celebration (whatever) and we hope you'll be happy for us' .

Then, when it came unstuck it's someone else's fault. It's not the celebrant's fault. It's the OP and her DH fault for not pulling on their grown up knickers and telling their family 'this is what we're doing'.

There's more to this story - there has to be. No adult would try to hide the fact that they were marrying early. What's the point? Unless either the family expecting more say in the wedding because they paid or being too involved in general or being very invested in their DCs lives. Most parents give an amount of money towards the wedding, maybe asking that the bride and groom include great aunt Mabel and that's it. Or the bride and groom say thanks very much for the offer but, to be honest, we don't want to be dictated to about the venue/guests/clothes etc so we'll pay for ourselves.