To be furious about my wedding

[Itsalltoomuch19]

So got married yesterday and want to point out it was amazing day full of the people I love and care about the most. But one thing caused me hours of stress and I think I should complain.
Our venue doesn’t have an actual marriage license so you get ‘married’ in a barn and I paid £500 for a celebrant to conduct the ceremony we met with her before and told her no one knew we were getting married a fews before and the people from the venue were coming to be witnesses so as no one felt they were not left out and both sets of parents had contributed a lot to this wedding so I didn’t want them being annoyed. An hour before I arrive my DH text me to say the celebrant has told his mum that we got married last week, he mum was upset and then asked my mum if she knew. I think she wanted to find out if my mum had been invited and not her, so now both sets of parents knew and were upset. This is all before I got there so I felt so upset and stressed by it as we didn’t want this to happen and she knew that.
Even the venue were limited and said they have never had a celebrant do this before and they have 3-5 weddings every week for the last 5 years! I really want to email her stating how stressed she made me feel and caused a bit of tension on the day but my DH thinks it’s done now we just need to face our parents today and explain the reasons and leave it

francis i haven't said it does?

@Bonjourfreddie i personally would be fine with it, its clear the ops intentions were good and i would prefer to see the dress, the venue, the heartfelt vows etc than them signing the register. All those things are what make a wedding, and ok it wouldn't be a legal wedding but it would be a lovely day and that would be the day i would want to be involved in.

Oh, and we ONLY did the legal bit - which you keep saying is just 'signing the register' - it's not, you also SAY YOUR VOWS.

We did not bother with any of the nonsense like dresses, rings, venues, all that bullshit.

Our parents all still thought it was worth making the effort to come out on a rainy weekday morning in January (in the case of my in-laws, travelling about 300 miles just for this reason) to see us 'just' signing the register and saying our vows.

Because funnily enough, as two married couples who have each been married for over 40 years, both my parents and my in-laws recognised that actually, the dress and the venue is all meaningless bollocks.

Their collective experience of decades of marriage meant that they understood that what was important was to see us ACTUALLY marry each other.

I would be pissed off too if this happened

Though if both sets of parents paid a lot for the wedding, they probably should have been invited. Rather than invited to a smoke and mirrors party, which seems to be what this is. Not sure what would be wrog with inviting only the parents to the actual wedding? Though I am sure you had your reasons.

But that doesn't take away from the fact that in this situation, I would be annoyed.

Oh dear OP.
It's unfortunate that this came out just before the wedding and cast a shadow over it.
I do think it was always a possibility though and one of your creating by trying to keep this hidden.
Having a legal ceremony separate to the celebration is fairly standard, it's the secrecy that has caused an issue.
I appreciate you were trying not to cause hurt feelings by excluding anyone, but surely you can see (now) that it would have been far better to be open about it. Either to explain that you didn't want anyone there for the bit of paper, or to pay for the slightly larger room and invite both sets of parents if that made them happy.
Honesty and openness is generally a better idea than secrecy.

I think you need to apologise to the parents now and explain that as far as you were concerned, the wedding was the celebration and the registry office was just a formality.

I don't think it is the celebrant's fault for failing to keep up with spinning a yarn that could have tripped them up at any point.

Hopefully you can put this behind you and celebrate the marriage.

@Bonjourfreddie rubicon no they weren't happy but tough tits! it wasn't their wedding!

What kind of unbelievably entitled, spoilt, narcissistic brat would take the view of "tough tits! it's not your wedding, it's MINE MINE MINE!" when speaking to the people who actually paid for it?!

The mind boggles.

And we’re all talking about people being upset. You really don’t care about people’s feelings @Bonjourfreddie. You were one of the few defending the selfish couple having their dream, romantic wedding without his children, I seem to recall.

rubicon i know you say your vows, you can also say your vows in a non legal ceremony.

that's nice for you? im not sure what youre trying to get at?

@alsohuman

i actually suggested they do the registry office with the kids first and then jet off.

francis i said op saw that bit as her wedding. ffs how many times do i have to say it!

Our parents all still thought it was worth making the effort to come out on a rainy weekday morning in January (in the case of my in-laws, travelling about 300 miles just for this reason) to see us 'just' signing the register and saying our vows.

Because funnily enough, as two married couples who have each been married for over 40 years, both my parents and my in-laws recognised that actually, the dress and the venue is all meaningless bollocks.

Yup, agree with this. The fancy parties and such are just..a side thing really. ts the actual marriage thats important.

Mind, I say this whilst my own mother did not come to my wedding as she had booked a weekend away at Butlins and didn't want to cancel it

There is no way anyone who is close to their parents would do this. Absolutely no way. I just know, without a shadow of doubt, my 3 adult DCs wouldn't. They're all pretty forceful with their opinions, but they take into account my feelings and we are all very open with each other, warts 'n all.

Of course the OP didn't deliberately try and upset her parents but I could not in all honesty, take money for something whilst lying about it.

rubicon i wouldn't accept anyones money for my wedding anyway, but anyone whos not a push over would have the wedding they want, not the wedding mummy and daddy want.

If reading it right,both parents paid a lot towards the wedding and were not invited. I would be very upset if that was me,they have every right to be upset.you should have paid it yourselves.

Comuication is key here, I can see you side Op you didn’t see it as a real wedding as your wedding day was that for you so I can see why you didn’t tell anyone. Also I can see your parents side they probably think why couldn’t they be there as the witness. Either way it’s done now, apologise take any sulking that they do and you will all move one in sure. Congratulations and enjoy your hineymoon

It’s not about you @BonjourFreddie, strange though I know this may seem to you.

So you'd be fine with paying a large sum of money for your child to get married and then turning up on the day only to find out (from a third party) that they'd already got married, without telling you and without giving you the option to be there to see it?

No one is disputing the OP would have been better off being completely honest with her parents and in laws about what was happening in the run up to the wedding.

However, some people get massively invested in weddings and feel certain protocols and traditions have to be followed. Time again that is the root cause of wedding drama. Often the bride and groom end up unintentionally upsetting people because people have all these expectations and views on what should happen and who should attend what. And as soon as the couple makes a decision that falls foul then everyone piles in with criticism and over the top statements of hurt and deception etc. It's pretty sad. I think the OP should have been honest from outset but sometimes we pick the easy option to avoid stress, drama and it turns out to cause more in the long run.

I don't personally think I would be bothered if I missed my child going to the registry office and getting legally married if there was a wedding ceremony in a weeks time that I was fully part of. However, I have not been in that boat so I cannot say for certain how I would feel. I completely understand some people would be upset but I personally think its an overreaction as a wedding (to me) is more that just the legal bit. The post by the Celebrant articulated the emotional/spiritual aspect that some people class as their wedding better than I can.

You don't have to have the wedding that Mummy and Daddy want but if you know Mummy and Daddy would not like what you have chosen then give them the option to pay for what you have chosen or pay yourself. Not lie about it.

@alsohuman i know its not about me, its about op.

I'm not commenting on this any more now, because its clear you're just trying to have a go because i dont agree with you.

Op didn't even want peoples shitty comments on whether what she did was right or not, she wanted to know if she was BU to be annoyed with the celebrate.

but anyone whos not a push over would have the wedding they want, not the wedding mummy and daddy want.

All the parents in this instance wanted was to actually see their son and daughter get married. I hardly think that's the epitome of demanding the OP and her DH do what mummy and daddy want.

Have a ten minute wedding with a couple of witnesses, or a massive knees up with big dress, or anything in between. That’s up to the couple.

But only someone utterly selfish and entitled would choose to lie to their close family about what they’re doing.