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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be furious about my wedding

807 replies

Itsalltoomuch19 · 30/08/2019 07:35

So got married yesterday and want to point out it was amazing day full of the people I love and care about the most. But one thing caused me hours of stress and I think I should complain.
Our venue doesn’t have an actual marriage license so you get ‘married’ in a barn and I paid £500 for a celebrant to conduct the ceremony we met with her before and told her no one knew we were getting married a fews before and the people from the venue were coming to be witnesses so as no one felt they were not left out and both sets of parents had contributed a lot to this wedding so I didn’t want them being annoyed. An hour before I arrive my DH text me to say the celebrant has told his mum that we got married last week, he mum was upset and then asked my mum if she knew. I think she wanted to find out if my mum had been invited and not her, so now both sets of parents knew and were upset. This is all before I got there so I felt so upset and stressed by it as we didn’t want this to happen and she knew that.
Even the venue were limited and said they have never had a celebrant do this before and they have 3-5 weddings every week for the last 5 years! I really want to email her stating how stressed she made me feel and caused a bit of tension on the day but my DH thinks it’s done now we just need to face our parents today and explain the reasons and leave it

OP posts:

ladycarlotta · 30/08/2019 12:36

So surprised that so many people think that it's deceptive to consider a personal, carefully planned ceremony/celebration the 'real' wedding rather than a registry office formality! The majority of weddings I've been to recently have been like this, with a small private registry office do either before or after, with no or few guests. That's how people get the ceremony and the party they actually want. The parents haven't been shut out of anything except some paperwork.

One set of friends of mine had 3 'weddings' - the registry office; a big Indian one in Leicester for her folks; and yet another at a fancy place in London followed by a party for all their friends. They only celebrate one of those dates as their anniversary.

The celebrant was definitely out of line though, and you should complain.

Rubicon80 · 30/08/2019 12:37

@Hollycatberry i wouldn't hear the first line and think "those chareltons this isn't even a legal ceremony! i must leave" because im not a twat, and i don't care, its nothing to do with me. Its the couples decision and nobody elses

So you'd be fine with paying a large sum of money for your child to get married and then turning up on the day only to find out (from a third party) that they'd already got married, without telling you and without giving you the option to be there to see it?

hsegfiugseskufh · 30/08/2019 12:37

@alsohuman it doesn't matter what everyone else thought, it wasn't their day!

ok? maybe there are people who do that but i assure you there are many people who will not remember what you said at your wedding the day after.

OtraCosaMariposa · 30/08/2019 12:37

Maybe the PPs would leave, or start running round calling it a fake wedding and insulting the couple

Yes, that's exactly what would happen because real life is just the same as a soap opera and we all behave like Kat Slater.

Most people would just be confused and wonder why the bride and groom were calling it a wedding when it wasn't and hadn't just been open and honest about the whole thing.

It's the cloak and dagger aspect which upsets people.

hsegfiugseskufh · 30/08/2019 12:39

i personally would be fine with it, its clear the ops intentions were good and i would prefer to see the dress, the venue, the heartfelt vows etc than them signing the register. All those things are what make a wedding, and ok it wouldn't be a legal wedding but it would be a lovely day and that would be the day i would want to be involved in.

AccioCats · 30/08/2019 12:39

Entitlement is paying towards a wedding and expecting control over the details of the event. Because it’s up to the couple to decide that.

That’s clearly not the case here because the couple planned to get married beforehand while lying to their parents that they were paying for the wedding.

scottishdiem · 30/08/2019 12:39

Ah but @ladycarlotta did your friends ask anyone to lie about the purpose of those three different events?

Rubicon80 · 30/08/2019 12:40

@Bonjourfreddie i don't think they took any money under false pretences either!

In what way do you think taking money from people on the understanding that it's to pay for your wedding, which they, as your parents, will obviously want to attend, and then get married without them there (knowing they would want to be there), and lying to them about it, is anything OTHER than false pretences?

For that matter, before she fucked off, OP seemed to be claiming that the reason they couldn't give the parents and in-laws the option of attending was because the room was too small to accommodate six people.

Do you not think that, under the circumstances, it would have been the bare minimum of polite to have explained this to the parents and in-laws, and to have given them the option to pay that additional money for a slightly larger room, if they wanted to be there - which they obviously did?

And given that they were already paying far more money for the whole reception? (From which it was apparently impossible for the OP to find a few quid to pay for a slightly bigger room.)

How is lying not 'false pretences'?

FrancisCrawford · 30/08/2019 12:41

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

hsegfiugseskufh · 30/08/2019 12:42

rubicon

they contributed to the op and her dp getting married and having a party

they got married and had a party

AccioCats · 30/08/2019 12:42

‘All those things are what make a wedding, and ok it wouldn't be a legal wedding but it would be a lovely day’

Dear god. It’s no surprise so many women end up vulnerable when they think a big dress and some cheesy poetry is going to take care of them...

scottishdiem · 30/08/2019 12:42

There is a bit of pearl clutching in terms of would guests know and what would guests then do.

Very probably they wouldnt. Very probably wouldnt do anything even if they did spot it.

But it can go pear shaped. It can be a problem. I posted the newspaper coverage of what happens when it does. The mother in that case did have a suspicion and did go to the registrar. So its wrong to ask a celebrant to lie to people.

hsegfiugseskufh · 30/08/2019 12:42

dont be so rude accio

i know that's not the legal bit, but the legal bit only matters to the bride and groom.

it doesn't change anything legally for their parents or their friends.

Roussette · 30/08/2019 12:43

The parents haven't been shut out of anything except some paperwork

Tell them then. Tell them you got married in a Registry Office and you are celebrating the marriage with a party. Don't deceive them. It must've been a horrible feeling to have it dawn on you on the day that you weren't at your DDs wedding at all. You were at a celebration party.

If my DDs decided to do it this way, I would be more than happy for them. If they decided not to have me at the actual Registry office marriage, I would respect that. (even thought I would like to be there. They're adults - their choice)
But don't treat me like a stupid idiot and try and pretend you are getting married when you are not. Let alone the money given

HeadsDownThumbsUpEveryone · 30/08/2019 12:43

So surprised that so many people think that it's deceptive to consider a personal, carefully planned ceremony/celebration the 'real' wedding rather than a registry office formality!

The deceptive part is in presenting it as the actual marriage ceremony. Most people who do the formal legal marriage part and then a large wedding celebration are honest enough to explain that is what has happened and in my experience those 2 things often still normally take place on the same day.

The problem here is that the OP and her DH lied to everyone including their parents that they were not yet actually married when in reality they had already been married for several days before the wedding ceremony.

FrancisCrawford · 30/08/2019 12:43

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Rubicon80 · 30/08/2019 12:43

@Bonjourfreddie i personally would be fine with it, its clear the ops intentions were good and i would prefer to see the dress, the venue, the heartfelt vows etc than them signing the register. All those things are what make a wedding, and ok it wouldn't be a legal wedding but it would be a lovely day and that would be the day i would want to be involved in.

But her parents and in-laws are not you, and they clearly weren't happy, were they?

Whether that was because she lied to them, or because they weren't going to see her get married, or both, we can only speculate.

But they clearly did not feel OK with it at all.

On what basis can you say "it's clear that OP's intentions were good"?

She lied, she took money under false pretences, she deeply hurt and upset the people closest to her and her husband, she disrespected them, and she tried to coerce a third party into risking their own reputation and standards by forcing them to lie for her.

How can you blithely say that you're so sure her intentions were good? Her actions are all we can go on, and they sure as hell weren't.

scottishdiem · 30/08/2019 12:44

legal bit only matters to the bride and groom.

And the state

it doesn't change anything legally for their parents or their friends.

Then why did the OP post. It seems to matter to her that her parents now know. Details matter to people.

AccioCats · 30/08/2019 12:44

Spot on Roussette

FrancisCrawford · 30/08/2019 12:44

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Rubicon80 · 30/08/2019 12:44

@Bonjourfreddie rubicon they contributed to the op and her dp getting married and having a party. they got married and had a party

They contributed to their children getting married ON THE UNDERSTANDING THAT THEY WOULD BE THERE TO SEE IT HAPPEN.

I think that's a fairly significant omission from your summary there.

hsegfiugseskufh · 30/08/2019 12:45

rubicon no they weren't happy but tough tits! it wasn't their wedding!

because i can see why the op did it and i dont think it was to deliberately upset her parents. if that was her intention she wouldn't have started this thread.

you can judge her all you want but it seems a bit pointless now considering its already happened and all you are achieving is making her feel shit.

FrancisCrawford · 30/08/2019 12:46

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

hsegfiugseskufh · 30/08/2019 12:46

Scottish theyre bothered about it, but legally it makes not a shit of difference to them

the only people affected legally by this marriage are the two people who entered into it

i am not talking about people being upset, i am talking about people actually being affected by it

sweeneytoddsrazor · 30/08/2019 12:46

There is a huge difference between expecting to have a say because you have paid and knowing what you have paid for though.
And if either set of parents had not been comfortable with the type of ceremony chosen they could have (rightly) said because we believe the important bit of a wedding ceremony is the actual vows and signing of the register we are not comfortable paying for it. However we respect it is your day and still wish to celebrate with you.

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