To be furious about my wedding

[Itsalltoomuch19]

So got married yesterday and want to point out it was amazing day full of the people I love and care about the most. But one thing caused me hours of stress and I think I should complain.
Our venue doesn’t have an actual marriage license so you get ‘married’ in a barn and I paid £500 for a celebrant to conduct the ceremony we met with her before and told her no one knew we were getting married a fews before and the people from the venue were coming to be witnesses so as no one felt they were not left out and both sets of parents had contributed a lot to this wedding so I didn’t want them being annoyed. An hour before I arrive my DH text me to say the celebrant has told his mum that we got married last week, he mum was upset and then asked my mum if she knew. I think she wanted to find out if my mum had been invited and not her, so now both sets of parents knew and were upset. This is all before I got there so I felt so upset and stressed by it as we didn’t want this to happen and she knew that.
Even the venue were limited and said they have never had a celebrant do this before and they have 3-5 weddings every week for the last 5 years! I really want to email her stating how stressed she made me feel and caused a bit of tension on the day but my DH thinks it’s done now we just need to face our parents today and explain the reasons and leave it

@alsohuman never claimed to be an expert but i have been to a lot of weddings, I don't know any married couples who do that!

At last!
Yes, the OP considers it her wedding! She can consider it whatever she wants.

What a shame she couldn’t be honest enough to tell her parents she was having her marriage a week before, and that everyone was invited to a big party to celebrate that fact. No lies or deception.

Then she could have avoided all this.

The celebrant was an arse? Really. But OP and her DH aren't? Even though they were happy to take significant amounts of money from their parents without having the decency to be honest with them. The only reason you ask people to lie for you is when you know you have done something wrong or when you know your actions are going to upset others.

I don't see what grounds you have for complaining to the venue. But you were not reasonable to keep the situation from your parents as they were paying. However i have to say your family sound a bit iver dramatic lots of people do the legal bit then the ceremony later as not all venues are licensed.

You shouldn’t need to check though if the couple are honest as the invite should be to a blessing not a marriage. It’s the deceit that makes people upset/cross.

@OtraCosaMariposa well not so much the vows, because however cheesy they might sound to someone else, they are a private declaration of the couple's feelings, and who are we to say what's OK?

But... I cringe and have to supress a snigger is the readings are from Velveteen Rabbit or The Owl and the Pussy Cat:

There's something not quite right about oh beautiful pussy, oh pussy my love, what a beautiful pussy you are...

Or "What is REAL?” asked the Rabbit ... “Does it mean having things that buzz inside you and a stick-out handle?”

Childish, I know, but I'm only human

I wouldn’t know whether married couples hold hands and silently reaffirm their vows at weddings because I’m usually looking at the bride and groom not scrutinising the congregation

But if they choose to, so what? Nothing to sneer at (unless you’re a nasty person)

What a shame she couldn’t be honest enough to tell her parents she was having her marriage a week before, and that everyone was invited to a big party to celebrate that fact. No lies or deception

i don't think its a shame, i think she did what she wanted to do because it was her wedding. I think "lies and deception" is so OTT.

But if they choose to, so what? Nothing to sneer at (unless you’re a nasty person)

when have i sneered at it?

people can do what they like, all i said was i didn't know anyone who did it?

icecream i would just suggest you don't attend weddings at all tbh, safer for everyone involved.

Surely the day after your wedding is not the time to be furious and on here.
Calm down, and go and celebrate in whatever way suits you both.
.

i wouldn't hear the first line and think "those chareltons this isn't even a legal ceremony! i must leave" because im not a twat, and i don't care, its nothing to do with me. Its the couples decision and nobody elses

I agree totally on this unless I was the bride's mother and thought I was attending her marriage/wedding after I'd shelled out money for that.

I would feel like a right fool thinking I was attending my DDs wedding when it was nothing of the sort. I do not care a jot if they got married beforehand, just do not lie.

I can only presume the OP doesn't get on with her parents but was happy to take the money

I think "lies and deception" is so OTT.

But that's exactly what the issue is her parents and IL's feel they were deceived and misled because they were. If the OP had not lied and had been honest about their plans none of this would have been an issue.

Childish, I know, but I'm only human

You're a better human than me, there's no way I would be able to say those readings without laughing out loud.

i don't think its a shame, i think she did what she wanted to do because it was her wedding. I think "lies and deception" is so OTT

But you think it's OK to take money from the parents and ILs for a so called wedding reception?

i still think its the couples decision who they tell and what they tell them.

Again i don't think paying for it gives you any say in it at all.

A good parent would let it go, or at least not bring it up until the day was over.

@Bonjourfreddie Her parents and in-laws clearly DO care, and they paid for it.

No matter how bridezilla someone gets, with all the "it's MY speshul day!!!!" sloganeering, the fact remains that it's obviously incredibly rude, hurtful, disrespectful, and insulting to take a large amount of money from your parents and your partner's parents* and then not only to exclude them from seeing you get married, but to rub salt into the wound by then lying about it.

There were many different options that the OP could have chosen.

She chose to take the course of action that would cause the maximum hurt to the people closest to her and her husband, while simultaneously taking a large sum of money from them under false pretences.

Pretty much everyone on this thread, except for you it seems, can see how rude, hurtful and disrespectful that is.

*and it really makes absolutely no difference whether or not they 'asked' or it was 'offered', they still took the money

to op it wasn't just a reception.....

So planning a major event that you won’t be honest about and asking the celebrant to collude with you isn’t deception....?

okaaaay

i can see how people think its disrespectful, but i don't understand the entitlement.

i wouldn't hear the first line and think "those chareltons this isn't even a legal ceremony! i must leave" because im not a twat, and i don't care, its nothing to do with me. Its the couples decision and nobody elses

100% agree. I think a few of the PPs would be clutching their pearls if they don't hear the required legal words and haven't been pre warned that a legal ceremony isn't taking place within the wedding. I cannot imagine thinking it was a fake wedding on just that one aspect.

Maybe the PPs would leave, or start running round calling it a fake wedding and insulting the couple. I cannot imagine being so inflexible in my thinking or worried / bothered when the legal bit would take place. Or being outraged in their audacity to use the term wedding without a legal marriage taking place on the same day.

You think it’s entitlement for people to expect honesty?

Blimey.

i don't think they took any money under false pretences either!

OP YABU

Putting aside the whole drama over what constitutes a "real wedding" etc you are trying to put the blame on the celebrant for not lying.

Depending on the context there may have been no way for them to answer without causing some sort of issue. If your MIL asked a legal question, questioned some wording, asked about signing the register, asked about the marriage certificate or lack of registrar etc then the celebrant cannot lie as they can lose their job if they are found to be misrepresenting their role.

You could argue that the celebrant should have explained all of this beforehand but there is a difference between "we did the legal bit earlier but dont want to make a big deal out of it as noone was invited" and "you are not allowed to tell anyone this isnt the legal marriage ceremony". If the celebrant was told the latter then they should have immediately explained how they cannot do that and the things that they can/cannot say (and or lie about, even by omission). If however they were only told the former then I can see how they may not have fully explained what they can/can't say as they may have unfortunately assumed that you had at least told your parents that this was a wedding celebration and not a marriage ceremony.

no i think its entitlement to expect to have a say, because if op had told them they wouldn't have liked it and would have wanted op to change her plans

@BonjourFreddie, it was a reception to everyone else. I suspect you know a lot of married couples who do what we do, why would they tell you?

@celebrant, those vows are hysterical, how do the guests keep straight faces?