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Original poster

To be furious about my wedding

807 replies

Itsalltoomuch19 · 30/08/2019 07:35

So got married yesterday and want to point out it was amazing day full of the people I love and care about the most. But one thing caused me hours of stress and I think I should complain.
Our venue doesn’t have an actual marriage license so you get ‘married’ in a barn and I paid £500 for a celebrant to conduct the ceremony we met with her before and told her no one knew we were getting married a fews before and the people from the venue were coming to be witnesses so as no one felt they were not left out and both sets of parents had contributed a lot to this wedding so I didn’t want them being annoyed. An hour before I arrive my DH text me to say the celebrant has told his mum that we got married last week, he mum was upset and then asked my mum if she knew. I think she wanted to find out if my mum had been invited and not her, so now both sets of parents knew and were upset. This is all before I got there so I felt so upset and stressed by it as we didn’t want this to happen and she knew that.
Even the venue were limited and said they have never had a celebrant do this before and they have 3-5 weddings every week for the last 5 years! I really want to email her stating how stressed she made me feel and caused a bit of tension on the day but my DH thinks it’s done now we just need to face our parents today and explain the reasons and leave it

OP posts:
Northernparent68 · 30/08/2019 11:52

Tippexy is right, weddings are a matter of public record. You can’t expect it to be secret

IceCreamAndCandyfloss · 30/08/2019 11:52

What is the point of getting married secretly and then again in public? it seems pointless

I know but how else will they get the big party and gifts?

If known about in advance guests can choose to go along with the fake wedding and the associated costs of attending or can opt out knowing all the facts.

AccioCats · 30/08/2019 11:54

fliberty the issue is the lying

HiJenny35 · 30/08/2019 11:56

Oh please, you did nothing wrong, you did the legal boring part on your own job done and then had the wedding with your family. There was no reason to tell them it wasn't the real thing and the celebrant was an arse to not just state that any questions regarding the ceremony should be referred to the couple.
There was no reason to tell the parents and want this to be the 'real' wedding as such. If the celebrant had an issue they should have said "if anyone asks I will say..." when you told them you wanted it to be secret.

TabbyMumz · 30/08/2019 11:59

Signing the legal paperwork iscthe wedding, and that is your wedding date. The event that happened yesterday was called a wedding, but it was not. Uf my daughter sdidcthat to me I'd be out of my mind. So her parents paid for a fake wedding and a party basically. If I was a guest at the fake wedding, I'd feel I'd been lied to.

lyralalala · 30/08/2019 11:59

All professionals must abide by client confidentiality. She needs to develop the ability to be discrete and say nothing.

She doesn't need to lie, in fact she can't lie if asked a question.

People using the services of a celebrant need to realise there are limitations to what they can do as it is illegal to pretend to be a registrar.

HeadsDownThumbsUpEveryone · 30/08/2019 12:02

the celebrant was an arse to not just state that any questions regarding the ceremony should be referred to the couple.

Ah yes another poster whose playing the lets blame the Celebrant for not co-operating with the OP and her DH in this lovely lie game. Never mind the fact she could have lost her job as long as no one found out that's all that matters. Hmm

AccioCats · 30/08/2019 12:03

Slightly off at a tangent, but is anyone else beginning to see why some women end up vulnerable, having kids and living with a man without the legal protection on marriage.

So far on this thread we’ve had

‘The registry office is just a piece of paper’
‘No one listens to the marriage vows’
‘The registry office is just the boring bit.’

Plus posters who think that if they repeat the same word enough times, a party becomes a wedding....

hsegfiugseskufh · 30/08/2019 12:03

icecream bet you're fun at parties.

Poochandmutt · 30/08/2019 12:03

Wow
I’d be really really annoyed if I’d paid towards my daughters wedding and she did this.id want to be there when she got married ,regardless of it being a register office,which incidentally I got married in ,and they can be very nice ,we have photos and it was lovely
This is a mess of your own making

hsegfiugseskufh · 30/08/2019 12:03

accio and one poster who cant read.

OddBoots · 30/08/2019 12:04

How can someone be obliged to maintain confidentiality about a matter of public record (which a legal marriage is)?

hsegfiugseskufh · 30/08/2019 12:04

and if you think people actually properly focus and listen and can remember your marriage vows the day after, you're deluded.

Here's a secret, nobody is as interested in your wedding as you are.

Alsohuman · 30/08/2019 12:07

@Bonjourfreddie, we always listen intently to the marriage vows. We hold one another’s hand and silently reaffirm ours at the same time. Perhaps that’s why I know the form they take better than you do.

celebrant · 30/08/2019 12:08

As a celebrant I don't view a non-legal ceremony as a 'fake' wedding (and believe me I've been to enough weddings to get a good sense of what they feel like). They are often the emotional part of the process, where the couple are standing in front of those closest to them, as their guests witness the vows and promises they make to each other. That is ALL their guests witnessing something that may be tender, romantic, solemn, sacred or funny, rather than the legal declarations and 2 witnesses required to sign the legal documents.

During the ceremony the couple's story can be woven in (if they want) and where their personalities and characters can shine. They can have dogs bringing the rings, they can make commitments / promises to their children, they can have loved ones participating in the ceremony.

But what does feel 'fake' is where there is some incongruity. For example the couple making big promise to each other, talking about the importance of honesty and trust, yet knowing full well that they are not being honest with some / all of their guests.

AccioCats · 30/08/2019 12:09

Bonjour we’ve all had to read you writing wedding wedding wedding ad nauseum.
Here’s a secret: it doesn’t make it one Grin

hsegfiugseskufh · 30/08/2019 12:09

@alsohuman, sweet but not many people do that I imagine.

I am not yet married so I couldn't do it even if I wanted to.

You don't have to be so condescending though.

hsegfiugseskufh · 30/08/2019 12:10

accio

I haven't once said it was legally a wedding though have I? which is what you're insinuating.

AccioCats · 30/08/2019 12:12

Bonjourfreddie

accio

I haven't once said it was legally a wedding though have I? which is what you're insinuating.

Not insinuating anything
You keep calling it a wedding
It can’t be as the couple are already married
It’s a celebration of their wedding

MissBridgetJones · 30/08/2019 12:12

Oh my, I can't believe the responses!

I'd be mighty peeved! There was nothing sly about what you did. You did the legal bit 'marriage' elsewhere - but your wedding was your wedding! Maybe explain that to both sets of parents.

Thanks
OtraCosaMariposa · 30/08/2019 12:12

But even if you don't pay attention to the whole thing, literally the first thing that the registrar, vicar or whoever says at a LEGAL wedding is something along the lines of "we are here today to witness the marriage of Jane and John". If the celebrant says something different, along the lines of "we're here to bless the marriage" or "we're here to mark the union" or something, you'd notice.

And that's before you cringe yourself inside out over the twee, self-penned vows which seem so popular these days.

Come on @celebrant spill - what;s the cheesiest vows you've had to read??

hsegfiugseskufh · 30/08/2019 12:14

ive said that's what op considers her wedding..... stop trying to put words into my mouth!

she does consider it her wedding, that is true.

Alsohuman · 30/08/2019 12:16

@Bonjourfreddie, so you’re not even married and you’re an expert on weddings? As it happens, I know a lot of married couples who do that.

hsegfiugseskufh · 30/08/2019 12:17

the thing is, some of us wouldn't give a shit about whether it was a real wedding or not, because its not our day. Its someone elses day, and the only reason we are there is to share in their happiness, not to pull apart their day and tell them what they should or shouldn't have done.

i wouldn't hear the first line and think "those chareltons this isn't even a legal ceremony! i must leave" because im not a twat, and i don't care, its nothing to do with me. Its the couples decision and nobody elses.

if you only want to attend a legal wedding then check before rsvp'ing and decline. Don't ruin someone elses day with your old fashioned views;.

HeadsDownThumbsUpEveryone · 30/08/2019 12:17

There was nothing sly about what you did.

How is it not sly and deceitful she wanted the celebrate to maintain the charade that the wedding celebration she had yesterday was the actual wedding?

The very definition of sly is someone being deceitful which is exactly what the OP and her DH were when they were not honest.

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