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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be furious about my wedding

807 replies

Itsalltoomuch19 · 30/08/2019 07:35

So got married yesterday and want to point out it was amazing day full of the people I love and care about the most. But one thing caused me hours of stress and I think I should complain.
Our venue doesn’t have an actual marriage license so you get ‘married’ in a barn and I paid £500 for a celebrant to conduct the ceremony we met with her before and told her no one knew we were getting married a fews before and the people from the venue were coming to be witnesses so as no one felt they were not left out and both sets of parents had contributed a lot to this wedding so I didn’t want them being annoyed. An hour before I arrive my DH text me to say the celebrant has told his mum that we got married last week, he mum was upset and then asked my mum if she knew. I think she wanted to find out if my mum had been invited and not her, so now both sets of parents knew and were upset. This is all before I got there so I felt so upset and stressed by it as we didn’t want this to happen and she knew that.
Even the venue were limited and said they have never had a celebrant do this before and they have 3-5 weddings every week for the last 5 years! I really want to email her stating how stressed she made me feel and caused a bit of tension on the day but my DH thinks it’s done now we just need to face our parents today and explain the reasons and leave it

OP posts:

Rubicon80 · 30/08/2019 11:17

@Bonjourfreddie I notice that despite posting your opinion repeatedly on this thread, you've ignored the long, detailed & informative post by @celebrant who actually does this professionally & knows the reality, rather than just speculating on what she 'reckons'.

She is very clear that the kind of deception the OP attempted is completely wrong & illegal.

scottishdiem · 30/08/2019 11:20

No, its correct. All professionals must abide by client confidentiality.

Again wrong.

There is no professional body with client confidentiality rules governing anyone who calls themselves a celebrant. Except Catholic Priests in Confession but thats a side issue. There may be contracts that mention privacy and confidentiality though.

Possible issue around GDPR in terms of privacy though.

Even professionals who have a governing body are not required to lie. Which is the situation here. You are saying professionals should lie?

Rubicon80 · 30/08/2019 11:20

@flibertyplus2

Parents do NOT have an automatic right to attend their children’s wedding / the signing of a marriage register.

Do you think that they were happy to pay for a wedding and not actually be there to see their children get married?

Because it doesn't sound like they were very happy at all.

Also not sure why people keep repeating that the registry office wedding is just 'signing paperwork'. It's not

You have to say your vows aloud. That is the actual marriage.

wink1970 · 30/08/2019 11:22

We had our official signing a few hours before (because the chapel for the 'wedding' was unconsecrated) and invited our 2 Mums. Everyone else thought they witnessed the 'real' ceremony later on..

Doing it in 2 parts when there's a venue discrepancy is pretty normal (see also overseas weddings).... but I think you were wrong to not tell your parents, or even invite them to the signing part. Our 2 Mums were overjoyed to be 'let in on the secret'.

Rachelover40 · 30/08/2019 11:22

It's 'registrar' not 'registry'.

Celebrant shouldn't have said anything but all over now.

My neighbour's much loved daughter married her partner in Cornwall with no one present. Parents didn't mind, she lives nearby and has two big children now (13 and 10). They just accepted that was how she wanted to do things. Different strokes and all that.

It's not uncommon to have a different ceremony for legal purposes.

Rubicon80 · 30/08/2019 11:25

@Rachelover40

The difference between your friend ( & everyone else who's posted) and the OP is that they didn't LIE about it.

And even worse, expect a third party to perpetuate their shitty lie!

Roussette · 30/08/2019 11:28

Just show me the respect of being honest rather than lying about it
Exactly Accio. Any of my lot can bugger off to Gretna Green and get married... whatever... but dont hold a party and call it a marriage ceremony. That is treating the parents and ILs with disdain TBH

In that case, the celebrant says nothing. She owes confidentiality to the married couple. She doesn't owe relatives the duty to inform on the married couple. Say nothing
So when the mother of the bride asks why the couple aren't signing a register or why there hasn't been traditional vows or whatever... the celebrant looks right through that person and walks away. I think it would become pretty obvious!

Have you read celebrant's post? obviously not If she did that she would be stripped of her job. She would not hold a 'ceremony' when only the bride and groom know, it is hoodwinking the family as she says.

LagunaBubbles · 30/08/2019 11:30

but what if they didn't want to do that! it was their bloody wedding, not their parents. It was up to THEM what they wanted

Well yes, but part of being an adult is realising other people can get affected by whst you do, you can't control other people's reactions. If you are going to exclude your parents from the legal part of a marriage then be prepared for them to be possibly upset and hurt. None of us live in isolation, we have relationships all over the place and a pretty major one is the one we have with our parents. As long as this isn't toxic or abusive then of course you are risking hurt by doing what OP has done.

pepperpot99 · 30/08/2019 11:32

What is the point of getting married secretly and then again in public? it seems pointless.

Why accept cash from your parents but exclude them? that's a bit grabby, to say the least.

On another note, OP could you please learn the value of punctuation. Your OP is appalling for this.

Roussette · 30/08/2019 11:35

I am wondering if the OP suspected the IILs and her DPs would not want to contribute to the whateveryoucallit party if they knew it was not a wedding reception after a wedding because they married beforehand. So the couple decided to keep it quiet.

If, as a parent, you go along to what you think is your daughter's wedding, then you find out on the day she's already married, I would be taken aback. But TBH I doubt it would happen with my DCs, they're pretty open as to what they're doing luckily.

AccioCats · 30/08/2019 11:35

‘but what if they didn't want to do that! it was their bloody wedding, not their parents. It was up to THEM what they wanted’

No one has actually argued against that point!
People have just said don’t lie about it.

Seeingadistance · 30/08/2019 11:36

OP you start your post “so got married yesterday”.
No, you got married last week.
And there’s your problem.

Yep.

The OP doesn’t seem to understand that marriage is a legal contract with very clear and legally enforced rules around where, how and by whom it is conducted. The celebrant would have to be clear that this was not a marriage or run the risk of being accused of acting illegally.

flibertyplus2 · 30/08/2019 11:36

@Rubicon80

Do you think that they were happy to pay for a wedding and not actually be there to see their children get married?

No, clearly they aren’t happy, they just don’t have a right to be there.

To be honest, the couple probably wouldn’t have needed funds from the parents for the official step at the registry office as it only costs a few quid. The parents funds would probably have only been needed to pay for the celebration event that they did attend

whereisFlo · 30/08/2019 11:41

Eek. I feel really sorry for you but also this is totally a situation of your own making. Celebrants aren't allowed to pretend something is a marriage ceremony when it isn't, so it's not surprising the truth came out. You were on dodgy ground by deciding to lie about it - I think it would have been much safer to be upfront with your parents and to let them be there for the actual marriage as well (even if it wasn't the wedding celebration).

I think all you can really do now is apologise to your parents and explain that you weren't trying to hurt them - you just made the wrong decision about when to involve them.

I don't think you can reasonably complain about the celebrant - she couldn't lie on your behalf, it's strictly prohibited. I suppose she could've been more upfront with you about that but maybe she just didn't fully realise the situation.

AccioCats · 30/08/2019 11:41

Fliberty that’s already been pointed out.
Unless both sets of parents are thick as shit they’ll know perfectly well that the money they stumped up is mainly for the venue, food, music etc

That’s entirely missing the point though that the OP lied

OtraCosaMariposa · 30/08/2019 11:42

Nobody is going to have a problem with your celebrations Willowcat. As long as you don't try to pretend that you aren't married and the celebrant bit is the official, legal bit.

Nobody should have a problem with attending a wedding celebration event where it's clear that the legal formalities have already been completed.

It's the lying and deception which is wrong, imho.

Unburnished · 30/08/2019 11:42

you got married in secret.

Your parents paid for a party.

I can understand why they're upset.

why did you lie to them?

kingsassassin · 30/08/2019 11:43

Having your legal marriage one day and a blessing or celebration at another time is perfectly normal and sensible.

Lying about it to your parents and expecting the celebrant to collude with your lies is just stupid.

sweeneytoddsrazor · 30/08/2019 11:43

The problem is the lying not the type of wedding/ceremony.
OP is entitled to have whatever she wants of course, but she should not lie about it. She should especially have the decency to be truthful with people who have given them a significant amount of money for them to be able to have the ceremony they want.

hsegfiugseskufh · 30/08/2019 11:44

She is very clear that the kind of deception the OP attempted is completely wrong & illegal

but the op didn't know that because her celebrant didn't tell her. Her celebrant agreed to do one thing and then did the opposite. She has every right to be annoyed about that.

Maybe if her celebrant had been like @celebrant on this thread, none of this would have happened because OP would have known the score, as it was, she didn't know she was doing anything wrong

Saharafordessert · 30/08/2019 11:44

We looked at a few venues like this but when they explained we wouldn’t be legally married there we immediately crossed them off our list. Why have two ‘weddings’ at two separate venues on 2 different days?

AccioCats · 30/08/2019 11:45

As I said upthread, I don’t think anyone has an automatic ‘right’ to be at a wedding. My kids can have the biggest wedding in the world, or they can run off and marry secretly and tell me a week later. It’s up to them.

But like I said, if you choose to accept money from me and invite me, at least do me the respect of not lying to me about what it is

celebrant · 30/08/2019 11:45

In that case, the celebrant says nothing. She owes confidentiality to the married couple. She doesn't owe relatives the duty to inform on the married couple. Say nothing.

All professionals must abide by client confidentiality. She needs to develop the ability to be discrete and say nothing.

@QualCheckBot How can a celebrant say nothing? I am quite often asked after a wedding whether the ceremony is legal (particularly by English guests who aren't familiar with the flexibility we have in the wording and location - oh and btw, in Scotland we do not ask about legal impediment, and the word 'legal' does not have to included in the vows). As I said previously I have a legal duty not to falsely appear to solemnise a marriage.

My confidentiality to the couple is clear. If they tell me they met on Tinder but Mum thinks they met at a party, OK. If they tell me they had a miscarriage but no-one knows about it, OK. If they tell me that one of them was married previously (and now divorced) but no-one knows about it, fine, but I point out that their Marriage Certificate will have the status as divorced, so it's possible that someone may find out. If the couple are already married but want me to pretend that they're not - not OK. Or even worse, the couple are having a symbolic ceremony and plan to do the legal bit later - not OK.

The celebrant and the couple should have spent more time discussing the non-legal status of the ceremony. In the OP's situation I would have declined to hold the ceremony.

flibertyplus2 · 30/08/2019 11:50

@AccioCats

Unless both sets of parents are thick as shit they’ll know perfectly well that the money they stumped up is mainly for the venue, food, music etc

If they are smart enough to work that out, they also already knew that that was the majority of the cost up front.

That’s entirely missing the point though that the OP lied

I thought the point was that the parents weren't at the legal ceremony.

Alsohuman · 30/08/2019 11:51

No the point was the lies and deception.

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