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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be furious about my wedding

807 replies

Itsalltoomuch19 · 30/08/2019 07:35

So got married yesterday and want to point out it was amazing day full of the people I love and care about the most. But one thing caused me hours of stress and I think I should complain.
Our venue doesn’t have an actual marriage license so you get ‘married’ in a barn and I paid £500 for a celebrant to conduct the ceremony we met with her before and told her no one knew we were getting married a fews before and the people from the venue were coming to be witnesses so as no one felt they were not left out and both sets of parents had contributed a lot to this wedding so I didn’t want them being annoyed. An hour before I arrive my DH text me to say the celebrant has told his mum that we got married last week, he mum was upset and then asked my mum if she knew. I think she wanted to find out if my mum had been invited and not her, so now both sets of parents knew and were upset. This is all before I got there so I felt so upset and stressed by it as we didn’t want this to happen and she knew that.
Even the venue were limited and said they have never had a celebrant do this before and they have 3-5 weddings every week for the last 5 years! I really want to email her stating how stressed she made me feel and caused a bit of tension on the day but my DH thinks it’s done now we just need to face our parents today and explain the reasons and leave it

OP posts:
Alsohuman · 30/08/2019 11:02

@Bonjourfreddie, every legal marriage ceremony mentions being legally married. Every. Single. One. Have you been asleep at every wedding you’ve been to?

hsegfiugseskufh · 30/08/2019 11:02

accio its really strange because every wedding ive been to, and been involved in, so at the front can actually see whats happening, the couple have had pictures taken signing the real register, and then kept posing after for more photos. I have never ever heard anyone say that you cant take pictures of the real thing. I had no idea at all!

Obv you cant see whats on the register but it was always there iyswim.

midsomermurderess · 30/08/2019 11:02

You're furious about the fall-out from a situation of your own creation? Well, dear, do crack on.

hsegfiugseskufh · 30/08/2019 11:02

@alsohuman

yes, I know, I think you've misunderstood what I was saying?

HeadsDownThumbsUpEveryone · 30/08/2019 11:03

there are pictures of us signing it, so you can see the egde of it and their/my pen on the paper but that's it?

Like I said I'm not sure of the legalities I'm sure someone with more knowledge would be able to shine a light on it. However, every wedding I've ever attended has prohibited photographs of the licence being signed. Not sure on the official rules but I would certainly raise an eyebrow if it appeared the officiant was allowing photographs of the register.

AccioCats · 30/08/2019 11:04

Hear hear Roussette

I have 3 grown up children. They can run away and get married without any family present if they wish. Or they can have a big wedding with bells and whistles.

I’ll happily contribute to what they want. It’s their day. Just show me the respect of being honest rather than lying about it.

Hollycatberry · 30/08/2019 11:05

I would have objections at being lied to and expected to pretend it was their official marriage ceremony

So if you're at a wedding and it's not clear whether it contains the legal marriage bit, you're going to object??

If you care more about the legal process (of signing a register) that means the state recognises two people in a union than the general wedding ceremony which is meant to be fun and happy then that's weird. I wouldn't personally attend a wedding and be getting myself into a froth about whether the legal bit was being conducted there and then and whether that information had been declared to me from the outset.

hsegfiugseskufh · 30/08/2019 11:05

heads I had no idea so no raised eyebrows! nobody else thought anything of it either!

scottishdiem · 30/08/2019 11:05

Scottish any vows that don't say anything about being legally married.

Fair enough but then the OPs parents would have been confused at the following missing lines I think:

No declaration of people being free of impediment to marry.

No taking X to be my spouse

No joined in marriage

No I take you to be my spouse

etc.

hsegfiugseskufh · 30/08/2019 11:05

well yes maybe, but that was ops decision to make? so surely she thought about that, no?

QualCheckBot · 30/08/2019 11:07

Thank god for the voice of reason celebrant explains it very well. The celebrant at the OP's wedding was not allowed to lie.

In that case, the celebrant says nothing. She owes confidentiality to the married couple. She doesn't owe relatives the duty to inform on the married couple. Say nothing.

0DimSumMum0 · 30/08/2019 11:09

Sorry but I can understand why they are upset. You should have been honest with them. I think you have got yourself into this mess. You could have had them at the registry office if you had wanted too.

scottishdiem · 30/08/2019 11:10

She owes confidentiality to the married couple

Wrong. She has a professional standard to maintain and that does include not making a ceremony look like something it isnt. A best, she should have been clear with the couple that she cant lie on the day and that the ceremony script will not include the words marry.

Again - www.pressreader.com/uk/scottish-daily-mail/20140719/282286728386982

Hollycatberry · 30/08/2019 11:10

every legal marriage ceremony mentions being legally married. Every. Single. One. Have you been asleep at every wedding you’ve been to?

Lol not everyone is sitting there gripped by the spiel read out at weddings and noting whether the word legally married is mentioned or not 🙄

JoanieCash · 30/08/2019 11:10

People would work it out on the day anyway. You wouldn’t have been signing a register with the fake ceremony etc. Also, if your family get into any kind of Ancestry they would see legal date. Secrets have a way out- lesson learnt!

AccioCats · 30/08/2019 11:10

QualCheckBot I suspect they aren’t allowed to deceive by omission either. There are strict rules (quite rightly) around celebrant ceremonies. It is really important that everyone there knows whether they are attending a legal ceremony or what is effectively just a lovely party.

Look at all the legislation surrounding marriage. There is a huge difference to being someone’s partner and being legally married to them.

QualCheckBot · 30/08/2019 11:11

Scottishdiem No, its correct. All professionals must abide by client confidentiality. She needs to develop the ability to be discrete and say nothing.

hsegfiugseskufh · 30/08/2019 11:11

holly exactly!

most people who are not the bride and groom at weddings will not remember what was said the day after.

flibertyplus2 · 30/08/2019 11:11

YANBU!

Parents do NOT have an automatic right to attend their children’s wedding / the signing of a marriage register.

Unless your parents specifically stated that they would only pay for your wedding if it was done in a certain way and you agreed to do it that way (and then changed your plans), they have no right to complain.

I can see how they might have been a bit surprised by this if they are quite old fashioned and hadn’t come across this before. However, if they were willing to ruin your day over their own preferences about your wedding, they were being selfish (not to mention dramatic).

I would complain about the celebrant, they shouldn’t have said anything and they might do this again with another couple. If there is a limitation as to how discreet they can be on this point, they should have pointed this out when you said no one knew.

Congratulations OP Flowers

Alsohuman · 30/08/2019 11:12

No, the celebrant has to be open and honest. If they’re asked a question, they have to answer it truthfully. Mil “Why aren’t they signing the register?” Celebrant “I can’t tell you that, it’s confidential”. Ridiculous.

hsegfiugseskufh · 30/08/2019 11:12

There are strict rules (quite rightly) around celebrant ceremonies. It is really important that everyone there knows whether they are attending a legal ceremony or what is effectively just a lovely party

if that's the case (and I have no idea I haven't looked into it) then the celebrant should have made this clear before she even agreed to do the ceremony, I think its pretty clear from the OP that she didn't do this, and agreed to ops wishes.

Either way, she's fucked up.

HeadsDownThumbsUpEveryone · 30/08/2019 11:13

In that case, the celebrant says nothing. She owes confidentiality to the married couple. She doesn't owe relatives the duty to inform on the married couple. Say nothing.

So if the Op's MIL asked for example who was signing the register what was she supposed to do?

She either says I don't know? That would be a lie as she knew no one was signing the register.

Says no one is signing it? Then MIL inevitably asks more questions.

Walks off and ignores the question all together? In which case she is seen as rude.

QualCheckBot · 30/08/2019 11:13

flibertyplus2 Parents do NOT have an automatic right to attend their children’s wedding / the signing of a marriage register.

On mumsnet they do...!

Unless its Meghan Markle, of course...

RosaWaiting · 30/08/2019 11:14

I must be thick
it took me a while to work out what happened there, so I wonder if the celebrant just got confused in telling your folks.

timshelthechoice · 30/08/2019 11:17

I'd be furious someone swizzed me £500 to spout some nonsense during the fake wedding.

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