To be furious about my wedding

[Itsalltoomuch19]

So got married yesterday and want to point out it was amazing day full of the people I love and care about the most. But one thing caused me hours of stress and I think I should complain.
Our venue doesn’t have an actual marriage license so you get ‘married’ in a barn and I paid £500 for a celebrant to conduct the ceremony we met with her before and told her no one knew we were getting married a fews before and the people from the venue were coming to be witnesses so as no one felt they were not left out and both sets of parents had contributed a lot to this wedding so I didn’t want them being annoyed. An hour before I arrive my DH text me to say the celebrant has told his mum that we got married last week, he mum was upset and then asked my mum if she knew. I think she wanted to find out if my mum had been invited and not her, so now both sets of parents knew and were upset. This is all before I got there so I felt so upset and stressed by it as we didn’t want this to happen and she knew that.
Even the venue were limited and said they have never had a celebrant do this before and they have 3-5 weddings every week for the last 5 years! I really want to email her stating how stressed she made me feel and caused a bit of tension on the day but my DH thinks it’s done now we just need to face our parents today and explain the reasons and leave it

Willow, don't worry. The majority of weddings I've been to have had the legal bit separate, either beforehand or the day after. Sometimes they had parents and/or best man / maid of honour with them, or sometimes by themselves. No one has been fussed and all enjoyed the celebrations.

However, that's because we all knew what was happening beforehand and it was referred to during the day in the speeches etc. It would be odd and a bit insulting to keep it hidden from those who are meant to be your nearest and dearest. We refer to their weddings as being the celebration date, though we all know legally it isn't, but it doesn't matter.

when their was no warning to not take photos whilst they signed the marriage license it would pretty much give the whole charade away

ive been to a lot of weddings and this has never been a requirement? I was at a wedding this weekend and was a witness and there's been loads of photos of me and the couple and the other witness signing!

I honestly didn't even know that was a thing?!

@Willowcat77, nobody will think it’s a fake wedding if it’s clear you did the legal bit earlier. At the humanist wedding I attended the celebrant explained that at the start. We all know it’s a pretty usual way of doing things, all this drama has arisen through the couple’s lies and deception of their parents.

heads you still do vows if you want, and could if you wanted to sign something.

Ummmm. No.

To carry out an event that gives the impression of a marriage that isnt a marriage is not within the rules. You would be conducting fraudulent event. Especially since the celebrant isnt allowed to conduct marriages.

@Willowcat77 don't worry people in RL don't see it as fake - it's just MN where people like to pile on posters with their opinion on something they have no real understanding of.

Your day will be special, personalised and exactly as you want it to be. No doubt your ceremony will include vows or promises, rings and possibly reading/poems which will special and personal to you & those celebrating with you will enjoy your wedding day.

Acciocats, yes I think I am stating the obvious. I'm not saying that I'm surprised that the parents are upset that they weren't there for the signing of the legal documents - I know mine would have been, and we were very lucky that the law was changed here a few months before we got married to allow non-religious celebrants to perform legal ceremonies outside of a registry office. It thankfully avoided the stress and expense of my parents, siblings, and their children travelling three hours from their home to where we live for a ten minute meeting in an office to sign the papers. What I am talking about is posts like this one:
I’d be furious if I had contributed to a wedding to find out it was all fake an I hadn’t actually been invited to the marriage. I’d be cross as a guest to find out I’d taken leave, paid travel costs etc for a fake wedding also

All this fury about conning the parents/guests out of their money, and the celebration being 'fake'. What I am saying is that 99.5% of the money that the parents contributed was going on the party, and they still had the party.

Of course, you can't win on mn. If the op had invited people to the official marriage and then also to the party a few weeks later, she'd have been decried as a cf. To repeat: I think it was a bad idea to not tell the parents beforehand. I can understand why they are upset. But all this rage about fake weddings and what-not - I'm not surprised they tried to do it that way.

Not everyone bothered with the legal side.

Well they weren't legally married then and had none of the legal benefits of marriage.

I'm a celebrant. I'm in Scotland so I can hold legal weddings, but we also have similar situations to the one the OP described.

If I am holding a non-legal commitment / blessing ceremony, I am always clear with the couple that I will not lie, and that if someone asks me a question then I must answer truthfully. It is a legal offence to pretend to solemnise a marriage when you are not actually doing it.

The words that I use during the ceremony are also different. I might say that "we're here to witness X and Y make their personal vows to each other" but I would never say "we're here to witness their marriage" (because we're not). Also I cannot make the legal 'pronouncement of marriage' so that has to be different. And it is illegal to sign something that is a replica of a marriage certificate.

During the marriage preparations and discussions with the couple I ask about the legal element of their wedding (if I'm not doing it) and who knows. Tbh I don't much care about the next door neighbour or the long lost school friend and what they've been told, but I always counsel the couple to tell close family and the bridal party, and I would decline to hold a ceremony where only the bride and groom knew. I would not be part of 'hoodwinking' the family and I could lose my authority to practice if I did.

Because I can hold legal ceremonies, I am aware of the legal implications of what I do. However there are many organisations that train celebrants and not all of them are good. So essentially anyone can attend a weekend course set themselves up as a celebrant, but they may not have been schooled in what they can and can't say during a 'wedding' ceremony, and they may not understand the risks they are taking.

In OP's situation, I think OP was foolish not to tell parents etc. The marriage certificate is dated for the legal wedding, the marriage is a public record and people could find out in all manner of ways.

However I also think the celebrant was at fault, not for what they said at the ceremony, but for not spending time explaining to the couple that they would not be able to lie, and for not counselling them about the risks.

You would be conducting fraudulent event

no, you wouldn't. Youd be having a ceremony and signing "something"

which is what a lot of people do.

Things can go very pear shaped:

www.pressreader.com/uk/scottish-daily-mail/20140719/282286728386982

@Itsalltoomuch19 sorry, were you actually trying to con literally everyone you love into thinking they were actually watching you get married?!

I was at a wedding this weekend and was a witness and there's been loads of photos of me and the couple and the other witness signing!

You cannot take pictures of the official register being signed but they often then bring out a mock up for the pictures after its been signed. To my knowledge the official register cannot be photographed, its been that way at every wedding i've ever attended.

Many countries in Europe insist on a civil wedding before you have any blessing. So unlike our church weddings you would need to married first.

Our churches get round that by having a registrar there to officiate over signing the Marriage Register after the vicar's done their bit. No registrar no marriage.

headsdown well I don't know whether nobody told the woman doing the ceremony about that but I have seen with my own eyes several pictures of all us of signing the real register, no fake one was brought out?

Youd be having a ceremony and signing "something"

Depends on what you get them to sign. Depends on what the celebrant says during the ceremony.

well yes Scottish I think that much is obvious. Im not saying say the same vows and sign an exact replica of a register...

I have seen with my own eyes several pictures of all us of signing the real register, no fake one was brought out?

Pretty sure that would be a breach of data protection given that other couples details are included in the official register. I would be questioning that as like I said every wedding I've ever been to prohibits photographs of the real register being signed.

"m not saying say the same vows and sign an exact replica of a register..."

So what do you think can be signed that maintains the lie that the OP was perpetuating on the day?

To my knowledge the official register cannot be photographed, its been that way at every wedding i've ever attended.

Except royalty, maybe? Vaguely recall the video/live footage of Chuck and Di and William and Kate doing a registry bit on top of the CoE stuff (which, well, isn't it legal anyhow with 'just' the CoE bit?).

I went to a humanist wedding in a field in England but they did mention they'd have a registry thing earlier in the day with just their parents and siblings there.

A celebrant cannot lie, or intentionally deceive people. There are strict rules around what they can and can’t do and say.

Quite aside from the issue of lying to both sets of parents, I think it was utterly wrong of the OP to expect this of the celebrant.

Let it go OP - the problem was of your own making really. Had you not decided to do the legal bit without telling those you knew would have liked to know then this situation would not have occurred.
I think you and your partner were naive to think you would be able to get away with doing it this way and were wrong to expect the celebrant to deceive guests by not mentioning it - how much you paid him or her to perform the ceremony is immaterial.
I’m sure both sets of parents will feel a bit hard done by that you didn’t want them there for the actual legal bit, but you can’t do much about that now other than to apologise for any upset this caused .

Hi OP, I haven't read all the posts as some appeared quite nasty and I just hate with when people start bullying others.

Firstly huge congratulations! Weddings are super stressful and I completely understand why you feel annoyed with the Celebrant.

I would absolutely complain to him/her especially if you asked them to keep the legal wedding quiet.

I would speak to both parents and explain the situation. Explain the registry office was simply a formality and your big day was indeed yesterday.

Explain times have changed when it comes to marrying (I'm making an assumption but most parents either married in a church or local registry office) and the venue you held your big day at was your dream however to make it 'legal' you had to do the paperwork at the registry office.

Hopefully your parents can respect your decision and you can enjoy the start of your marriage.

Scottish any vows that don't say anything about being legally married.

tbh in RL I don't think many people pay much attention to the actual words that are being said.... MN isn't like RL!

heads you cant see the writing on the register?

there are pictures of us signing it, so you can see the egde of it and their/my pen on the paper but that's it?

I’m not sure if it’s actually forbidden in law for the signing of the register to be photographed or video recorded. But it would be incredibly unusual for the registrar to allow it. Even at the smallest wedding I’ve attended (a few people in the registry office) the couple were only photographed immediately after the ceremony, when the registrar turned to a blank page in the book and the couple posed. I’ve never seen it happen during an actual wedding when the signing is really taking place

Thank god for the voice of reason celebrant explains it very well. The celebrant at the OP's wedding was not allowed to lie.

The only reason the OP is upset is because her facade of a day purporting to be a marriage, when it was not, was found out. I have no idea why you would think that lying like this is a good idea? My 3 adult DCs cn do exactly what they want when they marry, but don't lie to me.