To be furious about my wedding

[Itsalltoomuch19]

So got married yesterday and want to point out it was amazing day full of the people I love and care about the most. But one thing caused me hours of stress and I think I should complain.
Our venue doesn’t have an actual marriage license so you get ‘married’ in a barn and I paid £500 for a celebrant to conduct the ceremony we met with her before and told her no one knew we were getting married a fews before and the people from the venue were coming to be witnesses so as no one felt they were not left out and both sets of parents had contributed a lot to this wedding so I didn’t want them being annoyed. An hour before I arrive my DH text me to say the celebrant has told his mum that we got married last week, he mum was upset and then asked my mum if she knew. I think she wanted to find out if my mum had been invited and not her, so now both sets of parents knew and were upset. This is all before I got there so I felt so upset and stressed by it as we didn’t want this to happen and she knew that.
Even the venue were limited and said they have never had a celebrant do this before and they have 3-5 weddings every week for the last 5 years! I really want to email her stating how stressed she made me feel and caused a bit of tension on the day but my DH thinks it’s done now we just need to face our parents today and explain the reasons and leave it

@alsohuman presumably they weren't forced to pay for it, neither does paying for something mean you're in charge of it.

lets face it, nobody would have even known if the celebrant hadn't told people

Except they would, because every wedding follows pretty much the same format and in a "blessing" or "celebration" key elements are missing. People aren't daft.

key elements like what? signing the register?

they could be signing anything and only the witnesses would know! nobody else sees it.

They can do all the vows etc, rings, whatever else.

BonjourFreddie don’t you think that’s taking it too far? Actually pretending to sign a fake register?

It doesn’t matter that they weren’t forced to pay for it. Wouldn’t you be pissed off if you ordered a Toyota Prius and they delivered an Aygo?

It’s a very normal thing to do and is literally the legal bit with all the sentiment at the proper wedding. In hindsight you probably should had just explained to your parents it was a jeans and t shirt admin task and that no one would be there because it would be very dull!

rubbish they're not pretending to do anything, they're signing a book or a certificate or whatever.

It is their wedding, they can do what the fuck they like imo.

Having been to weddings and to celebrations of weddings it’s really not hard to tell the difference.

And if the OP ‘isn’t really lying’ ( ) then why is she so upset about the whole thing? Clearly she did lie, god knows why, it’s not how adults usually behave. Particularly when they’re on good enough terms to let both sets of parents contribute a lot to the event.

the parents didn't "order" anything. they contributed money to a wedding, a wedding was had.

They don't get to say what that wedding should be, or how it should go or even whether they attend and are part of it.

If they cant accept that their money doesn't = being in charge, they shouldn't have offered it.

This is not the same as buying a car, as well you know.

This thread is worrying me.

I'm getting married next year. We've booked a basic registry office slot for 4 people including us. We want to have our actual wedding celebration in our own village, with a Humanist Celebrant. I'm hoping this will be beautiful and very personal. This will be our wedding, not the registry office bit.

Because of the reactions here I'm now worried our Humanist Wedding will be seen as 'fake' 🙁

just because the celebrations you have been to didn't resemble a wedding, doesn't mean theyre all like that, you know?

shes upset because her parents are kicking off clearly.

The venue and fripperies were more important to you than the actual, real marriage. How very modern, all these fake weddings because the couple put their own indulgence above all. YABU. I'd have been furious to have funded that whole farce and been left out of the real thing. And yes, people know because the key elements are usually left out in favour of a bunch of silly fluff.

Definitely think English marriage laws need reform, they're, like a lot of the country, stuck in the 18th century.

@willowcat77 - people in RL don't give a shit about this, its just the MNers who don't understand people do things differently to them that are bothered about such non events as this!

Anyone else wondering if bonjour is the OP? They’re the only two posters who are insistent that this was the wedding rather than the celebration it actually was

Ok, the celebrant shouldn't have told, but I think your parents are quite rightly miffed since they have just forked out an additional £500 for someone to come and mouth totally unnecessary words at a wedding that wasn't actually a wedding.

You should have treated wedding two as a reception for wedding one and just announced that you were already married - having previously told the bank of mum and dad that that was the plan.

Sounds like you wanted to have the (wedding) cake and eat it but the celebrant pissed on your chips, as it were. Serves you right. Try a bit of honesty next time.

lets face it, nobody would have even known if the celebrant hadn't told people against ops wishes.

Surely you would notice when they missed out the vows and the bride, groom and witnesses didn't have to sign the marriage licence? Unless it was the first wedding you had ever attended I think you would realise during the ceremony that it wasn't actually when the bride and groom were getting married.

Accio nope im not the op, but if youre actually concerned then report me and stop breaking the rules.

Ive said that OP obviously sees it as her wedding, I haven't said it legally was. You obviously cant read because ive said that several times!

Honestly this thread is making me want to cancel my own wedding so I don't have to indulge self entitled twats who think theyre more important than the couple! I am desperately hoping I don't know any mners!!

heads you still do vows if you want, and could if you wanted to sign something.

@myself2020 eh?! A wedding is not up for definition! If you arent actually getting married - I.e. signing the papers - then it isnt a wedding, regardless of what people want to call it.

Actually it is up for discussion.

Until the late 1980s, early 1990s the only places you could legally marry were register offices and C of E churches (in England that is).

So ay one who got married i a Temple, Synagogue, Gurdwara etc had ro wither have a separate registry office wedding or have a registrar attend to sign that the wedding had taken place according to, the rights of RC church, Jewish faith etc.

Not everyone bothered with the legal side.

Everyone and his dog considered the bride walking down the aisle, the exchange of vows, the ring the wedding. Not the bit when the register was signed which often happened outside the church or in the vestry.

Lots of venues do not have a licence because then there are restrictions, they have to offer the venue for a number of years and you cannot have any religious music or prayers.

OP I think you need to find out how the mothers were told before you get angry at the celebrant.

I stand by what I said earlier. I'd be pretty shocked to turn up at my daughter's wedding to find out that she was already married. I don't think you did anything wrong in doing the legal part earlier and inviting people to the celebration, but you should have told your parents. It's not the celebrants fault.

HeadsDownThumbsUpEveryone , Exactly. It’s really not hard to tell the difference. And the celebration can be a wonderful event, and for the couple themselves may even feel just as special as the actual legal wedding ceremony.

It’s fair to say it probably feels more special and enjoyable if you’re honest with the people you’re sharing it with.

Why didn't you book the registry office for the same day as your celebration?

I sort of did this but we were married legally in our venue's licensed space with just our immediate family and bridal party/ groomsmen. We didn't exchange rings or anything though. Whilst this was going on our guests were gathering under an ancient oak tree a short of walk away which was beautiful and the venue kindly allowed us to use it for a blessing. So after our mega quick legal bit we trotted out to the tree for our vows and ring exchange. All our guests knew we'd already signed the register but that we hadn't read our vows or exchanged rings. It was lovely.

And yy, a lot of these destination weddings are fake (Scotland excepted as they've moved on from all these silly restrictions. The US also allows people to get married in different places, by anyone legally able to, at any time of the day or night, depending on the state). Another reason to decline such ridiculous invitations.

you still do vows if you want, and could if you wanted to sign something.

Yes but it wold be blatantly obvious it wasn't the official vows and when their was no warning to not take photos whilst they signed the marriage license it would pretty much give the whole charade away.

By all means have a humanist ceremony but to think guests wouldn't notice it wasn't the official legal ceremony is daft.

I'd have no objections attending a wedding like the OPs but I would have objections at being lied to and expected to pretend it was their official marriage ceremony.