To think that I have the most petty neighbours in the world?

[Reallybadidea]

Previous complaints have included:

• the sound of our bathroom extractor fan is annoying
• our dogs look at their dogs through the fence (not barking, just looking)
• our standard 6ft high fence causes too large a shadow
• our visitors parking in front of our own house which is where the neighbours like to park

And the latest: there is an apple in their garden and they don't own an apple tree. We do, therefore we must have thrown this apple into her garden. Even if we did (which we didn't) it's just a fucking apple for Pete's sake

Has anyone got neighbours who have even more trivial complaints, or do I win some sort of prize?

For fuck's sake, I think you definitely have won some sort of prize! An apple? Throw a pair of knickers over the fence, now that would be amazing.

Mine complains that the kids play in his garden, but we share a garden and he won't let me put a bloody fence up to contain the children!
I would understand if he had a nice garden that he was trying to keep good but it's a waste land that he gets someone in to cut the weeds down with an industrial sized Strummer once a year, whereas "my side" is actually quite nice, nothing special but it looks quite good and we have done a lot to it since we lived in 9 years ago. He has literally done nothing! I would like to build a fence so I don't have to look at his shit hole.
Thanks OP, that felt good!

That apple comment on the back of everything else would have me throwing every fucking apple from my tree into their garden.

I am aware this doesn't reflect week on me but for some reason it's pressed my buttons....

Well on me. Well. Autocorrect you twat....

I’d throw the most alluring knickers I could find over, then wait sniggering like a child for them to come and complain.
Maybe even take bets on what they would say....

Interested to know how you respond to these idiotic complaints.

Your dogs look at their dogs!

Your dogs are peeping Tom’s OP. Haven’t you spoken to them about consent and boundaries? Next thing you know they’ll be flashing and then what will you do??

Old neighbours complained that my dad worked shifts and slept some days so his car was parked outside our house all of that day and his wife didn't like looking at it when she was ironing so could he please park it further down the road.

I know it's terribly childish but I'd really be tempted to play pranks on them.

Our neighbour didn't like DHs vapour from his electric cigarette going past their window. They could not smell it and it wasnt entering their property at all, they just caught sight of it.

I caused world war 3 with my neighbour by lighting a fire in my own garden!
Apparently her dog has asthma and my bonfire prevented him from going into the garden causing him stress!
Absolutely batshit bonkers is my neighbour 🤣

I once had my neighbours whinging to anyone that would listen that I was having sex loudly in the middle of the day

The problem with this was I was single,8 months pregnant on bloody holiday (in the uk-just not in my hometown) and I had 5 other kids!this was in the 6 week holidays so god only knows how she thought it was me!

Silly cow did so much more but that almost broke me

I moved 10 months later-I just couldn’t take it anymore

Op you need windchimes....

My friend’s neighbours knocked on her in their pyjamas and dressing gowns at 9pm and told her she had disturbed their sleep by flushing her toilet. They went to bed at 8.30pm every night and thought she should not flush her loo or have a shower after those times.

The best bit is that they have a plum tree which overhangs our fence and bucket loads of plums fall into our garden every summer. It's never even crossed my mind to complain.

Throw a pear and then say 'but we haven't got a pear tree', next time an orange or a lemon again 'it can't be me we haven't got a lemon tree', progressing through a pineapple and a mango finishing with a massive watermelon 🤣

And a trampoline.

Phenomenal - great idea! You could really have some fun here OP!

@phenomenalcat

That's a great idea! I might just go the whole hog and through a tin a fruit salad over

Aw your poor dog, he’s just looking!

Is this your dog?

Yabvvvvvvvvvvu your dogs are obviously perverts and you are just enabling this behaviour. Their poor doggies probably just innocently licking their arseholes and your dogs just thinks it’s ok to objectify them.
I bet they threw the apple over in some weird perv reference to Adam and Eve. Blasphemy.

A neighbour knocked at the door of our new house to complain that we had a child and he was attracting other children to the area.

*For fuck's sake, I think you definitely have won some sort of prize! An apple? Throw a pair of knickers over the fence, now that would be amazing

this made me laugh out loud

You need to stop your dogs from looking at their dogs, OP.

Neighbour Petty Squabbles Regulations 2017 (amended) state:

Dogs in number 21 are not permitted to look at dogs in number 23

[and the penalty for dogs convicted of contravening this bye-law is a forty pound fine, a maximum of six months in Dog Prison and the forfeiting of all rubber toys normally enjoyed by said dogs]