To think that I have the most petty neighbours in the world?

[Reallybadidea]

Previous complaints have included:

• the sound of our bathroom extractor fan is annoying
• our dogs look at their dogs through the fence (not barking, just looking)
• our standard 6ft high fence causes too large a shadow
• our visitors parking in front of our own house which is where the neighbours like to park

And the latest: there is an apple in their garden and they don't own an apple tree. We do, therefore we must have thrown this apple into her garden. Even if we did (which we didn't) it's just a fucking apple for Pete's sake

Has anyone got neighbours who have even more trivial complaints, or do I win some sort of prize?

HAHAHAHA at Durian fruit!

People send insane complaints to parish councils. My friend is a parish councillor. She says they get people emailing them lists of suspected drug dealers, usually their retired neighbours on quiet, respectable streets. Why would you tell the parish council instead of the police if you really thought your 70 year old retired surveyor neighbour was dealing Crystal meth in a Cheshire village?

I had to Google durian fruit. Now I'm going to be Googling where I can buy a durian fruit tree

You could go for a plea bargain along the lines that, yes my dog did look at your dog but then again your plum tree was more profligate than my apple tree...

Or ignore the maniacs.

Sorry but I had to laugh at ‘your dogs are looking at my dogs through the fence’ . You definitely should win a prize for that alone.

If you go for the durian fruit, try to make sure it cracks on landing! perhaps put a clothes peg on your nose first though

How do they know your dogs were looking? Unless... gasp... they were looking at your dogs? Do they not realise that dogs are not to be looked at??

Is there any way you could get hold of a coco de mer?

Throw a pear and then say 'but we haven't got a pear tree', next time an orange or a lemon again 'it can't be me we haven't got a lemon tree', progressing through a pineapple and a mango finishing with a massive watermelon 🤣

Absolutely this! 😂🍐🍊🍋🍍

Wow op, how dare your dog look at their dog... But what if it was their dog who looked first....you need to complain they sound crazy

My mum asked her next door neighbours to not park their cars on the shared path between the houses. The day after the wife came round & had a verbal go at my mum who is 81. My mum simply said that the path shouldn't be blocked. With half an hour the neighbour had blocked me on social media, I wasnt even there & had nothing to do with my mum asking them to move their cars.

A neighbour knocked at the door of our new house to complain that we had a child and he was attracting other children to the area.

That's simultaneously one of the funniest and most offensive things ever! Makes children sound like rats or something. It sounds like the sort of thing my parents would complain about - you don't live next door to them, do you? They once complained their neighbours had bought a dog which was 'ugly to look at' in comparison to their old, deceased dog. My mother sounded on the verge of actually saying something to them about it, as if they hadn't noticed how 'ugly' the dog looked and they might give him away if they realised (it was a perfectly lovely looking terrier type dog)! There's a reason I left home at 17.

Chuck a couple of fruitcakes over the fence. Oh hang on, they’re already living there!

That’s an impressive list! They sound rather odd. Have they always been so odd? What are they going to do for encore, complain that you are breathing?!

Hold on a minute! The complaint about your dogs was to the parish council? They told on you. I am picturing Dawn French listening to “and another thing her dogs are looking at my dogs...” while Dawn is falling asleep on her hand before having a dream about hot dogs and apple pie.

And the winner is......

Oh this is the perfect opportunity for the MN Stunt Pineapple.

DO IT, OP, please.

I'm wondering how big an apple tree one can stealth plant without them noticing? I'm sure there are a number of MNers who'd happily come help dig the hole.

Ape. Shit. :)

All of them, man this gave me a good laugh 😂

Time for the stunt pineapple to make an appearance

I was in bed recovering from being quite ill in hospital. DH has just left for work when someone knocked on our front door. I assumed it was DH but wondered why he hadn't just unlocked the door himself. Instead, it was an elderly neighbour who was going crazy at me, shouting that she had seen DH putting rubbish in her bin AGAIN and he was caught and he better stop it! I was just standing there with my mouth open wondering if this is what happens when you get old? I asked her to show me the rubbish he had supposed put in her bin but she couldn't because she had made it all up. I closed the door on her and went back to bed. I still don't understand what happened that day, we had never even spoken to her before!

They sound horrendous.

I really laughed and the dogs looking at their dogs 😂

m.youtube.com/watch?v=BunKx8oy794
Is this your neighbour l?

My NDN complained that my visiting friend stared at her dog, and she doesn't like people who stare at dogs. She told me she didn't make a big deal about it because she assumed my mate was one of my (autistic) son's friends and 'obviously had problems too.

I think your dogs are already on the case and are hypnotising their dogs through the fence. . Things are going missing in their house ( later found in the dog basket) their dogs are refusing all orders, even with doggy treat bribes, and the apple was from their own fruit bowl, carefully carried there by the mesmerised hounds. All very unsettling and they will soon start to think there is a poltergeist and put the house up for sale.

Good work , OP’s canine conspirators.

Speaking of ‘batshit’ neighbour disputes, my neighbours built a fancy new driveway with cream pavers. Then they complained that the local bats (been native to our area for 1000’s of years) who came to perch in our tree (been there 30 years) dropped poo on said fancy pavers. Causing purple dot stains (?)

Wanted us to remove the tree (nowhere near the boundary) or cause the bats to fly in a different direction. 🚦🦇👮🏻‍♀️

And pay for their powerwasher and water bill.

When we politely declined their super plan, I found a team of arborists in my garden. Booked by the neighbours, to our address. Nice guys, who were soon set straight. They said it happens more than you’d think.

Properly batshit, I’m sure you’ll agree.

NDN also named one of her dogs with my first name (fairly popular bog standard girl's name) so I have to listen to her trilling 'Ooh GOOD GIRL DOLLY, have you done a nice poo?' on a regular basis. I should probably inform the parish council, shouldn't I?