Teenage daughter wanted dog now won't walk him

[tacaba]

16 months ago we bought a dog for our 12 year old daughter as she was going through a difficult time with her mental health and begged me and my husband for a dog staying that " it's all I ever wanted" " it will make me happy" I was always against getting a dog because we live in a small two bedroom house and have a very small garden, we already have a parrot and fish.
Things got really bad with my daughter's emotional state so my husband and I were desperate to try and help her and hoped that getting the dog would calm her and give her something to focus on, so we bought a cocker spaniel puppy for £800 after vets etc it was over £1000 we spent, we spoke to our daughter and told her that she would be responsible for walking and feeding and cleaning up after the dog, she agreed. (Alongside other family members) The first 6 months went well but slowly but surely my daughter has passed the responsibility on to me, I worked from home during this time and the dog became very attached to me as I was with him most days and fed, cleaned and walked him everyday while my daughter was at school and my husband at work, I have an older daughter who is 18 and she also started working, but did walk the dog on request.
My youngest daughter has had a councillor and started to recover from her mental health issues which was great but slowly she has lost interest in the dog, she spends most of her time upstairs on her phone, I have tried everything to get her away from the phone but it causes massive arguements and she gets aggressive.
Now the situation has changed dramatically as I now have a job away from home and leave the house at 8am and am not back until 4pm. My youngest has been on her summer holidays and does not walk the dog or pick up the poo outside unless I tell her too. I ask her why she hasn't walked the dog and she gets angry and says that it's because I didn't ask her too? When I fire back and say that she knows that the dog needs walking? She just storms off upstairs and won't speak anymore and tells me to go away. We have threatened to get rid of the dog today as it's not fair on the dog and my hours at work are only going to increase so I can't look after him anymore?
My husband works long hours as a builder so he is much to tired when he gets home. My eldest is starting university in September so she won't be here either? I can't see any choice but to re-home the dog if my daughter doesn't step up and take more responsibility for him.

I'm going slightly against the grain here and suggest that rehoming it might not be the best thing for her mental health.
Obviously I don't know your dd, but we bought my dd a dog (obviously I was fully aware how much of the care would fall to me), and although it appears that she does very little with the dog, she loves it and I'm sure it helps with her mh. Most days I take it out and feed it and poo pick etc (not a problem as I am doing it for my other dog and I fully expected her to be flaky about the longer term care - not surprising as she is only 13 (11 when we got the dog).
I do know that she would be distraught if anything happened to her dog and when she's feeling overwhelmed, I often find her curled up with it.
Some days when I feel she needs some time in nature, I insist she takes the dog out and she always returns in a better mood from having the exercise. We also do a lot of walking as a family, and we use this time to chat about stuff, which is good as she can be quite uncommunicative at home.

As your work hours have changed, you will have to find a way to walk the dog while you are out, but a walk before work, a dog walker/friend/neighbour, or doggy day care in the day and then a quick walk at night might be a good way for you to de stress after work. Perhaps you could come to an arrangement where your dd does 2 or 3 days of the week.

I may be well off the mark here and she may be quite happy for you to re-home it, in which case, check if the breeder will take it back.

My DDs begged for a dog when 11 and 14. We discussed responsibilities before we got him.

Now they walk him, feed him, pick up his poo and generally look after him. Do they always want to, not all the time. Sometimes they need reminding of how much they wanted him but 99% of the time they crack on.

They are more than capable of doing so and know that if they don't do as they should for him there would be consequences.

I get not all teenagers are the same but for some responsibility is good for them.

She sounds like a spoilt brat who gets her own way because she pleads mental health issues. 12 is not too young to look after a dog which she begged for and take responsibility. Why should giving the dog away to someone who loves it affect her mental health issues and what about the dog's wellbeing? Animals are not toys, you should not have indulged her, and laziness is not a mental health issue.

I don't blame you for doing what you did very very difficult situation and a pity the phone is now the main interest:(

I wonder perhaps with a slighty differnt approach she might change her mind after all getting her outside and a bit of excercise would be very good for her let alone poor old doggie.

Have you asked her doc or consultant for advice on the best way to go?.

Going against the majority - I got a dog at age 10 and was responsible for walking him, including before school. It wasn’t negotiable - it was my job to do this. So I did it. So I dont think it is too young

Fair enough - but what happened to the dog when you left home?

A dog walker is a great solution for a dog that has an otherwise happy and fulfilling home but needs/would benefit from an additional walk that the owners cannot provide.

It isn't an answer for a dog that fundmentally no one has the time for. An hour walk is not a substitute for the ongoing training and interaction this dog needs if it's to grow into a well rounded adult.

A healthy 18 month old cocker without significant behaviour issues will find a new home very quickly if rehomed sensibly through a breed specific charity. Last time I looked for springers and cockers, there was a waiting list that potential new homes had to join because demand outstripped supply.

I still think it's in this dog's best interest to get another chance at a full life rather than being kept on in a home where it is a burden and not a joy.

Going against the majority - I got a dog at age 10 and was responsible for walking him, including before school. It wasn’t negotiable - it was my job to do this. So I did it. So I dont think it is too young

Me too. When I left for uni he stayed home for one year - an agreement with my mum - and I travelled home to dogsit when needed.

Year 2 onwards, he moved into a shared house with me. I found housemates who all were genuine dog lovers and enjoyed having a substitute around for their much-missed family dogs.

But I was a mature, responsible child who took dog welfare extremely seriously. I'd 'cut my teeth' by helping take care of multiple dogs before then. Sadly, this isn't happening in OP's case.

*Some breeds can be left up to 4 hours.

NONE should be left 8 hours*

Nor should a 12-year-old kid with mental health issues. Shape up OP.

In my experience when she gets a boyfriend the dog will get s log of walks

If possible a mixture of doggy daycare and dog walker could be enough but you would need to still walk the dog too and see if the arrangement works for the dog. My cocker spaniel love daycare but did not like just the dog walker- think he found it difficult with someone coming to the house and then leaving again.

If that’s not possible then get in contact with the charity Spaniel Aid- they are fantastic at getting the right home for dogs and do not put dogs in kennels, they all go into foster homes.

I feel very sorry for your dog. We have a cocker spaniel and they are lively and very sensitive and shouldn't be left on their own day after day. It's cruel. I think you should rehome it. It will be much happier and will save you a lot of stress worrying about it too. We all make mistakes but you can at least put this one right! This place might be a good starting point and good luck: www.caessr.org.uk/

My neighbour opposite had a son who was desperate for a puppy.

So she made him walk a "virtual" dog before and after school for 6 months. I found out about it when I commented to her that he seemed avery keen walker - leaving the house at 7.00 and walking round the local park for an hour before school, and then going out for abut the same time every evening. No breaks for weekends - no concessions for bad weather - every single day.

He got his dog. (Jack Russell) That boy almost never missed a day. The dog benefitted not only from walks with him, but mum and dad began to walk him as well (not instead) when they were about. Dad worked abroad and came home for several weeks at a time, mum worked p/t.

When J. went to uni, he came back in the holidays and looking after the dog was still his responsibility (though his parents did concede him holidays and nights out ). He has left home now, and his parents still have the dog. Not because ehe doesn't want it, but because it's an old dog now, and it would be unfair to uproot it, take it from a home where it was content and where there was someone in a lot of the time, and leave it in a strange place for umpteen hours a day when he was at work.

Perhaps this is the way to go about these things.

Year 2 onwards, he moved into a shared house with me. I found housemates who all were genuine dog lovers and enjoyed having a substitute around for their much-missed family dogs.

But you have to admit that's a rarity. Most student houses don't allow pets, nor do most students have the time, money or inclination to look after a dog properly. They're a big commitment and can be expensive - the decision to have a dog should be that of the parents, not a 12 year old child.

I hate these kind of threads. I understand why it (justifiably) turns into a pile on, but it doesn't achieve anything for anyone. Stories about how someone mucked out their horse at 4am for a decade when they were 9 years old don't help the OP decide what to do for the best for her dog (who is the most important one here) when it's clear that there's no chance the OP's daughter is going to step up in that way (she could be forced, but that's no good for the dog either is it). Calling the OP a fuckwit and fucking idiot helps no one. I've seen people argue, "maybe someone in the future considering getting a dog will read this thread and learn from it". That doesn't happen though. The kind of person who basically buys a dog on a whim NEVER researches in that way.

OP, we got our dog because my SD campaigned for the best part of 3 years to get one. Guess what happened - she completelyI lost interest within a couple of months. The difference is that I really wanted a dog too (or else would never have agreed to get one) and so do everything, happily, pretty much. My 5 year old has turned out to be completely nuts on dogs though, so that's been really nice. Other posters are right though in that you've expected too much here from a 12 year old. But that said, 8 until 4 is totally workable with a daily dog walker or doggy day care. You should be able to work out a reward system as part of pocket money or whatever for your daughter to do a certain amount of dog-related things (a certain number of walks, grooming, feeding, etc...). She's 12 and should be doing a certain amount - it's just given her issues you can't expect her to do it all. The dog could have a happy life though if you all step up for this animal and do your bit. But I'm guessing that it's you and your DH who don't really want the dog any more because of the effort involved, in which case you should consider rehoming - probably through a breed-specific rescue.

You shouldn't blame your DD though as this really isn't her fault. I know that there are posters above talking about how they were mature and responsible at that age, but not everyone is and your DD isn't at all by the sounds of it.

When I fire back and say

Apologies if this had already been covered but this stood out to me. You're the adult, you can self-regulate better than her. Stay calm while you're talking to her and, le the dog, set her up for success. "DD, now that I'm at work from 8am you'e going to need to walk her yourself weekdays. That will mean getting out of bed earlier. Would you like me to give you a call at 7?"

"Remember you need to walk DDog today, DD"

And a calm conversation with her about her options. Walk and do basic care for dog, or rehome. Which would she think would be best for her?

I think you need to rehome the dog.

This is so sad. A cocker does not just need walking, it needs mental stimulation, games, challenges, interaction, affection and to be a part of the family if it is a pet and not a working dog. Please rehome responsibly.

Re-home the dog. Poor dog has clearly got attached to you and that doesn’t seem to be stopping you from getting a new owner. I love my dog to bits so can’t understand how some people buy them without thinking through long term. Your daughter was always going to be out at school during the day, so really it’s your situation that’s changed that’s causing the problem now. Assume you’re not going to pay for a dog walker or day care so it’s best to find the dog a better home

Just had a look at the two spaniel rescues mentioned by PP's - they look really good, reliable organisations. Spaniel Aid looks as though it accepts spaniel crosses, too.

It might be worth getting in touch with these OP.

the decision to have a dog should be that of the parents, not a 12 year old child.

In OP's defence, it is very worrying having a child with mental health issues, and I'm sure that you will do anything to try to relieve them. I think one of the problems is that we see dogs/ pets on TV which have completely turned around the lives of their depressed/ anxious owners, and are given the impression that owning an animal is some sort of magic bullet for mental health problems.*

If only! The personality of the human (in particular) and the dog must gel. And there needs to be a responsible adult to ensure that dog and child don't accidentally hurt each other. And there need to be realistic expectations regarding what can be achieved. There very rarely are.

*And then we see crap films like "Marley and Me' and others like "1001 Dalmations" which give he impression that dogs are just naughty people in fur coats (don't get me started on why Marley's owners should have had a good kick up the arse . . . )

When you get a dog for a child your actually getting it for yourselves as adults and parents. It was always going to be your responsibility and rightly so. She was a child.

Did you not discuss what would happen should your DD lose interest (as most children do when they go on about getting a dog/cat/hamster)?

You really didn't think this through properly did you?
Pay for a dog walker and consider its needs
A dog is a family member and should be treated as one

Your DD has walked all over you! She manipulated you into getting her a dog, saying it would make her happier. She's being rude and aggressive with you. You're probably walking on eggshells around her because you think she has issues with her mental health. Are you sure it's not just the normal teen angst that most kids go through?
Please don't buy her things to try and make her happy.
The dog needs to go.

Oh, and take her phone off her when she's rude or aggressive with you.