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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH and his friend borrowing money

149 replies

TheresWaldo · 28/08/2019 21:08

DH has a very, very old friend, who is a nice guy but a bit flakey, swaps jobs often. He is quite prepared to work hard but to cut a long story short is a bit chaotic etc. A couple of years ago DH asked me if we could GIVE him some cash to buy a van so he could get his business up and running. Without going into all the details as to why this might be a mad plan and why I went along with it, I agreed and sent him £1500. This was a gift. Last year, he contacted dh and was "desperate/bailiffs/nearly homeless" etc and asked to BORROW money. We lent him £2000 which was to be repaid by Xmas.

Now my AIBU is not about the cash given to him as obviously I was quite stupid to do so. But it's more the attitude of DH with regards to getting it back. I had a small inheritance of 4k - my share of my gps worldly goods and life savings and this guy basically has it all. DH has done nothing that I can see to chase the repayment.

We have had a huge argument as the guy asked to borrow MORE promising repayment of everything and DH replied saying "Mrs says no"
This message sent on his iPhone popped up on my iPad. (I wasn't snooping)

He doesn't get at all, that a) I am furious he used me as an excuse rather than saying that it's because he hasn't paid the last lot back yet. b) to me, it seems like his friends feelings are more important than mine - i.e. I am REALLY upset that he has had all my inheritance, not paid it back, yet he is happy to meet up as if nothing has happened. (on this point he called me bitter and twisted)

And obviously I have never seen a penny. (the money came from my account)

OP posts:
MsVestibule · 28/08/2019 21:14

Why on EARTH did you 'lend' your DH's friend £2k when you'd already given him £1.5k of your limited funds???

You know the saying 'only lend what you can afford to lose' (or something like that). Do you have an audit trail (text messages/emails) of your loan agreement? Honestly, if this was my only money, I'd be taking him to the small claims court - sod their friendship.

Original poster
TheresWaldo · 28/08/2019 21:16

It wasn't limited. I don't desperately NEED the money right now. I want it back though. As agreed.

OP posts:
Onlythelonelywelcome · 28/08/2019 21:18

He thinks you’re a mug and he’s right so will keep rinsing you until you are dry

Original poster
TheresWaldo · 28/08/2019 21:19

Only - of course. My AIBU is about my DH though

OP posts:
Cheeserton · 28/08/2019 21:20

I think the OP knows it was a stupid thing to do, so let's move on from that.

You're right to be pissed off that your DH isn't with you on this and is clearly not taking it seriously enough. He sounds like a real fool - is he always like this? Calling you such nasty things when it's your inheritance is just mean.

MollyButton · 28/08/2019 21:21

If you lend money you should only do so if you can write it off especially if lending to a friend.

However I would be telling your DH that if he wants to write off his friends debt that is fine, but you want your £2K back. And you should be keeping a small amount of your own savings, which should start with the £4K you inherited.

Onlythelonelywelcome · 28/08/2019 21:24

Agree with molly, if your dh wants to lend his friend money he can reimburse you from his money and he can be out of pocket

EarringsandLipstick · 28/08/2019 21:25

I'm sorry @TheresWaldo I'm finding hard to be really sympathetic.

You say you don't want comments on why you gave, then lent the money but I'm really struggling on this!

If you gave £1500, that's a bit mad, but very generous. But to then loan €2000, knowing this individual, with an assumption that it would be paid back by Christmas, but with no way of enforcing that or reasonably expecting it - and given the reason for the loan was his near-homelessness 😳 - that's really mad.

To sink all your nest egg into this guy, so readily ... I don't think it's fair to be furious at your DH. I think you should be annoyed with yourself. And I know you were being kind. But it was so ill-thought out 🤷🏻‍♀️

EarringsandLipstick · 28/08/2019 21:28

Also - you won't get it back. You could try suing him for it but a) you need evidence of the loan and b) there is zero chance he'll have the wherewithal to repay

You had your reasons for giving him the money.

Don't give him any more. And it's galling, but you have to accept the money is gone.

Original poster
TheresWaldo · 28/08/2019 21:32

I think it's fair to say we could afford to LOSE the money. We have joint accounts for everything else and YES it IS a lot of money and it was MY money. It's DH's attitude to it that is more upsetting. Like he can't upset his friend by saying "no mate - you still owe us 2 grand" instead he said "oh no the wife went mad" when he never even mentioned it to me. I would have told them both to fuck off obviously.

OP posts:
Original poster
TheresWaldo · 28/08/2019 21:34

Not like I am mega rich or anything, but yes before giving him the cash I did think I might not get it back. Long story.

OP posts:
cacklingmags · 28/08/2019 21:39

You are right to be angry with your DH making out that you are the problem here and not all the money this sponger has absorbed.

sonjadog · 28/08/2019 21:39

Is your DH not so keen on conflict? It sounds like he is taking a slightly cowardly way out by blaming it on you.

You won't get any money back from him. It´s gone for good.

Leeds2 · 28/08/2019 21:40

Does your DH admit that you might have a point? And is he prepared to chase his friend for the outstanding money?

If I'm honest, I'm not sure my relationship would survive what you have described. DH should have your back.

Grainedmonkey · 28/08/2019 21:42

I sympathise OP , my DH uses me as an excuse when he wants to get out of something e.g 'the wife won't let me' It's infuriating!

Shoxfordian · 28/08/2019 21:42

Why didn't your dh lend him the money?
You're a total mug

HighNetGirth · 28/08/2019 21:44

Your money. So, cut your DH out of the loop and demand the money back from leech friend directly.

Original poster
TheresWaldo · 28/08/2019 21:51

I asked dh why he has not chased the money more, he kind of shrugged it off. I said I would ask directly for it, but that would be mean of me as he wants to go and drink beer with said person at the weekend. My point is exactly that - to me it is totally disrespectful that the guy can owe me so much and that they will both ignore the fact in order to facilitate their friendship. Its not about the money per se. If he was paying me back £1 a week because of hard times....

OP posts:
Windygate · 28/08/2019 21:52

You've lost £3.5k through your own naivety. Your H put his friend before you.

PavlovaFaith · 28/08/2019 21:55

So your DH is a bit spineless where his mate is concerned. As you are the financial backer, why don't you resume the request for repayment?

PavlovaFaith · 28/08/2019 21:56

That reads badly. I mean for you to just cut out DH and make it your own matter as PP mentioned.

Poochandmutt · 28/08/2019 21:56

I’d actually kick my dh out for this .hes taken advantage of you,put his friend before his wife.you should come first .

MollyButton · 28/08/2019 21:57

but that would be mean of me as he wants to go and drink beer with said person at the weekend.

I'd be asking DH how he's going to drink beer with his friend when he (DH) owes me £2000?

EarringsandLipstick · 28/08/2019 21:59

I still can't see why you are so angry at your DH.

It sounds like he told the truth. Both payments were your money. Now, you don't want to give any more (thank God).

It sounds like your DH would give it if he could! (Mental)

I can't understand PPs saying 'their relationship wouldn't survive'. You don't seem to have been coerced into doing this, for your own reasons you agreed.

You're now cross that 'friend' is asking for more money. But you happily handed over €2k with a vague promise it'd be paid back.

I don't agree with posters calling you a 'mug'. It sounds like you are kind-hearted. But foolish! And I can't see why your annoyance isn't directed at yourself.

Grainedmonkey · 28/08/2019 22:01

OP I don't mean to belittle this but it is fairy modest amount of cash so far and you are on to it now. Please find some way to make sure DH does not make any further 'loans' out of your joint savings.