Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH and his friend borrowing money

149 replies

TheresWaldo · 28/08/2019 21:08

DH has a very, very old friend, who is a nice guy but a bit flakey, swaps jobs often. He is quite prepared to work hard but to cut a long story short is a bit chaotic etc. A couple of years ago DH asked me if we could GIVE him some cash to buy a van so he could get his business up and running. Without going into all the details as to why this might be a mad plan and why I went along with it, I agreed and sent him £1500. This was a gift. Last year, he contacted dh and was "desperate/bailiffs/nearly homeless" etc and asked to BORROW money. We lent him £2000 which was to be repaid by Xmas.

Now my AIBU is not about the cash given to him as obviously I was quite stupid to do so. But it's more the attitude of DH with regards to getting it back. I had a small inheritance of 4k - my share of my gps worldly goods and life savings and this guy basically has it all. DH has done nothing that I can see to chase the repayment.

We have had a huge argument as the guy asked to borrow MORE promising repayment of everything and DH replied saying "Mrs says no"
This message sent on his iPhone popped up on my iPad. (I wasn't snooping)

He doesn't get at all, that a) I am furious he used me as an excuse rather than saying that it's because he hasn't paid the last lot back yet. b) to me, it seems like his friends feelings are more important than mine - i.e. I am REALLY upset that he has had all my inheritance, not paid it back, yet he is happy to meet up as if nothing has happened. (on this point he called me bitter and twisted)

And obviously I have never seen a penny. (the money came from my account)

OP posts:
timeisnotaline · 28/08/2019 22:30

I’d be fuming. Given it sounds like you could afford it OP is there something you wanted to do/ buy? I’d blow 4K from joint funds on a holiday or garden landscaping or jewellery and tell dh I was spending my inheritance. And expect him to be fine with it as it didn’t bother him when his friend was pissing my inheritance up a wall so surely he would have wanted to lend the money from joint funds. If he wouldn’t have lent it from joint funds that would be saying it didn’t matter as it was just my money and I don’t matter, and I’m sure he’d never do that. So I’ve spent my inheritance on these beautiful ruby and pearl earrings and the joint funds are short £4K but maybe dhs friend will pay them back one day, if dh ever asks Grin
Seriously I think this is what I would do to help me get over it. I think I could move past it nicely with my beautiful new garden or jewellery etc.

NoSquirrels · 28/08/2019 22:33

Your DH finds it easier to blame you and not make himself look like the bad guy - he’s scapegoating you in a cowardly fashion. Yes, that’s shit and I’d be really upset.

I’d message/email friend directly, ccing your DH, and say something like

Friend, DH seems to have given you the impression it’s all my decision about lending money but the truth is we both agreed a while back we couldn’t keep subbing you, especially not as you haven’t repaid the previous loan at all. Sure you understand.

Ginger1982 · 28/08/2019 22:36

He expects you to apologise? What an arsehole.

Sparklesocks · 28/08/2019 22:36

Your DH sounds very weak willed, I would have real issue with him being too pathetic to bring up the debt with his friend. I guess that’s what the friend is relying on.

NoSquirrels · 28/08/2019 22:36

He already mentioned he expects me to apologise in the morning

Nah - fuck that, OP. You don’t owe your DH an apology - he owes YOU one.

Original poster
TheresWaldo · 28/08/2019 22:37

We don't have separate money generally - I just happened to have SOME due to inheritance and a PPI claim that was in my old account. He's not generally profligate nor to we have an ongoing issue with money. I have an issue that he put his friend before me. He would rather fall out with me than him as I put it to him. He thinks I am looney and evil for feeling this way. He doesn't at all get my upset about this being my GPs life savings which somehow makes it worse. Like pp said, not his cash...

OP posts:
GabsAlot · 28/08/2019 22:40

Hes blaming the little woman so he doesnt look bad-under no circumstances apologise and tell him he either asks or you will and then get rid

madcatladyforever · 28/08/2019 22:41

I can't believe you lent ANY money to this person. This was your grandparents money and your nest egg.
There is a quote about money but I don't want to rub salt in the wound.
So you have kids? Then this man has their money. He wont give it back to you. It's his now.
Your husband has a sponger for a friend.

WhereYouLeftIt · 28/08/2019 22:42

"... but that would be mean of me as he wants to go and drink beer with said person at the weekend."

I think I would be choosing to gatecrash their beer drinking. Sit facing 'friend' and ask him when he is going to repay my money. And when he starts blustering, swing round to face husband and point out that if his friend won't, then he will have to. Fuck it, I'd totally embarrass both of these wankstains.

NoSquirrels · 28/08/2019 22:42

He doesn't at all get my upset about this being my GPs life savings which somehow makes it worse.

Then you need to make sure you’re £2K down in a joint way he’ll care about. New car deposit? Holiday? Hobby weekend away etc?

How will you rebuild the £2K if friend doesn’t repay (which of course he won’t)? You’ll need to start saving back into your name from the joint account. So maybe he gets less beer money for a long time, as a PP suggested.

DishingOutDone · 28/08/2019 22:43

So what are you going to do OP?

Original poster
TheresWaldo · 28/08/2019 22:43

Yes I DO want the money back. It's 2 grand! I don't desperately need it this minute though. A repayment plan is fine.

OP posts:
DishingOutDone · 28/08/2019 22:43

Sorry cross posted. So what is your plan to get this plan?!

AnneLovesGilbert · 28/08/2019 22:44

Apologise for what?! To whom?

FattyPeddledFuriously999 · 28/08/2019 22:45

Yeah he doesn't give a damn as it's not his money as such, what a CF. I would be messaging the friend asap. Or if take out everything in shared account first, separate all earnings and then message friend for any outstanding. How dare he, so rude, total fuckwit.

Herocomplex · 28/08/2019 22:45

I think your DH doesn’t understand because he doesn’t want to. He’s hearing you but it’s not fitting with his view.
You can explain again but I don’t think it will help.

FattyPeddledFuriously999 · 28/08/2019 22:46

I feel angry for you!

Perunatop · 28/08/2019 22:46

I think you should communicate directly with the friend about the repayment since it was your money and tell him you expect him to repay £20 per week or whatever seems appropriate. Then remind him every single week if he doesn't pay. I doubt if you will actually see the money and if it does damage your DH's friendship with this guy well so be it - seriously who needs friends like that? Your DH needs to think about who his priorities are and wife and family come way above hopeless case friends (who will always find another mug to scrounge off).

Aberhonddu · 28/08/2019 22:49

It's all about him using other people's money, he cares more about his flaky friend than you. As for expecting you to apologise, well fuck that. He can fuck the fuck off if he expects you to apologise.
It seems to me that your husband has very little respect for you, I'd be seriously considering whether I was willing to continue this relationship.

timshelthechoice · 28/08/2019 22:49

Well, you learned a £3500 lesson: your H values his flakey friend more than you. It was foolish in the extreme to hand over a penny to this guy. It's gone for good. I'd message back the mate what greenbottle wrote. Your h, well, that's up to you but he obviously doesn't give a shit.

chamenanged · 28/08/2019 22:53

Sounds like your DH and his mate are cut from the same cloth.

NCB2019 · 28/08/2019 22:53

I don't understand why your husband is still friends with him?? Is your DH that desperate for friends that he has to buy them??

I'd be seriously fucked off, if I were you!

MrJollyLivesNextDoor · 28/08/2019 22:55

I'd be moving £3.5k from the joint account back into my own account for starters

Then I would contact friend and suggest a repayment standing order to cover the £2k loan

StockTakeFucks · 28/08/2019 22:55

Make it his problem by demanding he pays it back to you. His friend,his problem ,you want your money from DH. He can sort it out with the friend later...if he ever does. Either he pays you a certain sum each month,or you pay less into the joint account until you make up for the 2k.

Sounds like you could do that anyways if he has no idea what's in there.

Tbh I do wonder if he profited himself from that money,which is why he's unwilling to ask for it back.

MoreCuddlesForMummy · 28/08/2019 22:57

I’d be cross too. DH shouldn’t be using you as an excuse and essentially writing off the goal £2k (seeing as the initial £1.5 was a gift) without discussing with you. As others have said, maybe DH should pay this back.

I don’t think your relationship is particularly at risk as others have alluded to. However it’s lazy on your DH’s part!

Swipe left for the next trending thread