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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

DH and his friend borrowing money

149 replies

TheresWaldo · 28/08/2019 21:08

DH has a very, very old friend, who is a nice guy but a bit flakey, swaps jobs often. He is quite prepared to work hard but to cut a long story short is a bit chaotic etc. A couple of years ago DH asked me if we could GIVE him some cash to buy a van so he could get his business up and running. Without going into all the details as to why this might be a mad plan and why I went along with it, I agreed and sent him £1500. This was a gift. Last year, he contacted dh and was "desperate/bailiffs/nearly homeless" etc and asked to BORROW money. We lent him £2000 which was to be repaid by Xmas.

Now my AIBU is not about the cash given to him as obviously I was quite stupid to do so. But it's more the attitude of DH with regards to getting it back. I had a small inheritance of 4k - my share of my gps worldly goods and life savings and this guy basically has it all. DH has done nothing that I can see to chase the repayment.

We have had a huge argument as the guy asked to borrow MORE promising repayment of everything and DH replied saying "Mrs says no"
This message sent on his iPhone popped up on my iPad. (I wasn't snooping)

He doesn't get at all, that a) I am furious he used me as an excuse rather than saying that it's because he hasn't paid the last lot back yet. b) to me, it seems like his friends feelings are more important than mine - i.e. I am REALLY upset that he has had all my inheritance, not paid it back, yet he is happy to meet up as if nothing has happened. (on this point he called me bitter and twisted)

And obviously I have never seen a penny. (the money came from my account)

OP posts:

Tonnerre · 28/08/2019 23:42

I said I would ask directly for it, but that would be mean of me as he wants to go and drink beer with said person at the weekend.

Tell him he can stay in and give you the money he saves as the first instalment towards repaying the debt.

He already mentioned he expects me to apologise in the morning as I had had some wine so am presumably in shrieking harpy mode or some such.

I hope you've mentioned that you'll apologise when you have your money back?

ArgumentativeAardvaark · 28/08/2019 23:51

I’d be very unhappy with a husband who prioritised his mate’s finances over mine and who thought that painting me as a bad guy was an appropriate thing to do. He sounds really immature and it says a lot that he’s happy to drink with this bloke who has essentially fucked you over. How is that a loving and respectful relationship?

pinkoneblueone · 29/08/2019 00:03

I wouldn't be cross that he replied ' misses said no', he did the right thing to turn him down. I don't think you will see a penny of that cash back sadly. It seems like your husband has already realised this too.

billy1966 · 29/08/2019 00:15

If all I had in savings was 4,000 - there is no way in hell I'd be loaning it to my husband's flaky friend. I wouldn't care if he was homeless, emergency savings are too important.

OP, clear out your joint account and focus your husband's mind that you want your
2,000 back

testingtesting111 · 29/08/2019 00:24

The loan is one thing (to be honest I think you were kind, but probably knew deep down it would never be repaid / blindly hoped that it would be), but what I wouldn't be able to overcome was your husband's attitude. It would seriously be a deal breaker for me. So disrespectful.

QualCheckBot · 29/08/2019 00:34

AnnLovesGilbert Is coercion the new “anxiety” type buzzword on here?

No, its a legal term. Its persuading someone or convincing someone to do something by unethical means.

I'm not saying its happened by any means, but it should be considered.

The DH and the friend are very chummy and the DH has no interest in getting his wife's money back.

It probably wouldn't meet the threshold but do remember that people are influenced into doing all sorts of stuff by others they are close to.

EarringsandLipstick · 29/08/2019 06:48

For PP saying take the money back from the joint account - I don't see this as a great solution. Ok, if they have the scope to do this, it technically replaces the £4k but it doesn't really as their joint money is less that amount so in practical terms they are still down the money!

And most people couldn't afford either an immediate transfer of £4K or done gradually, most people haven't got it to spare!

Meangirls36 · 29/08/2019 07:55

He's a grifter and probably will never stop having problems. Stop having joint accounts and leave your unbelievably shit husband before he bankrupts you. Friends are supposed to split drink orders not spend their friends partners inheritance. He's using you soo poorly.

Butchyrestingface · 29/08/2019 08:02

Your DH has a friend problem - you have a DH problem

This basically sums it up.

It’s hard to be hugely sympathetic towards someone who handed over not 1 but 2 “loans” to a person they didn’t think would pay the money back. ¯\(ツ)/¯

Meangirls36 · 29/08/2019 08:02

Ask for the van back and the money immediately.

NotBeingRobbed · 29/08/2019 08:31

I’ve experienced this sort of behaviour. Neither of them have a shred of respect for you. They are probably both envious of you having your small inheritance and they have fleeced you of it. There is nothing more annoying than someone who claims to be broke but has money for beer. They are totally taking you for a ride - both of them.

This guy is not your friend. Is he even really DH’s friend? Friends don’t steal off you.

Luckily it’s a relatively small amount. You can’t let this happen ever again. They are both in this together - disrespecting you and your GPs’ lifetime work too.

Of course now your inheritance is “mingled” with family finances so if you ever divorce it isn’t yours at all but “joint”. And basically all joint finances in marriage are a minefield.

Witchinaditch · 29/08/2019 08:52

You sound like a very kind person who has been taken advantage of, you may never get this money back but maybe use this as a learning point so you don’t make the same mistakes again, your OH also sounds lovely and kind but maybe you need to step in in future to stop further people taking advantage of your kindness. I would ask the friend if he intends to pay and what sort of timescale he can do this in, his reaction will tell you a lot about his Intentions.

timeisnotaline · 29/08/2019 09:29

Your dh puts his friend above his wife, both financially and emotionally. I can only assume he has no plans to have a drink or quality time of any sort with you any time soon. He can’t ask his friend a tough question so he doesn’t spoil having a drink with him so it seems an obvious conclusion.
I know who should be apologising!

Henrysnoopy · 29/08/2019 09:34

Moral of the story dont lend money you cant afford to lose. If you didnt want to risk losing it then you shouldn't lend it. Alarm bells were ringing when you just gave him £1500 as a gift! I dont think you will see the money but I would be expecting you're dh to repay you it back.

Topsecretidentity · 29/08/2019 09:35

@EarringsandLipstick but it does make a difference because right now the loss of the money isn't affecting OP's DH in any practical way. If she says they'll tighten their belts to replace the lost savings/ inheritance - and that means less money to spend on going out/ entertainment/ holidays for DH, and in turn he might get onto his friend more in chasing for the repayment. Either way, her husband needs to feel the loss of the money rather than seeing OP's frustration as her acting "crazy".

I think pp have made very sensible suggestions regarding making her DH take responsibility but OP hasn't responded to those suggestions yet. I don't think OP should confront her husband's friend because that's exactly what her husband wants- to pass the blame onto his crazy wife.

MumW · 29/08/2019 09:48

You say you have a joint account and DH is clueless to its contents. I'd be tempted to take the money back from the joint account and then tell DH that there is no money for beers until his friend coughs up - I don't think your DH will bother about the 'loan' until he sees the consequences personally. You may have thought it had been a joint decsion to lend, however, it now transpires that your DH saw this as your money so your risk.

What to do about his lack of support and his friendship seemingly being more important than your relationship is another matter. I think you need to tell him exactly how you feel and the use his response in conjunction with other aspects of your relationship to decide on where to go next.

gingersausage · 29/08/2019 10:13

I’ll never understand MN attitudes to finances. People who keep separate accounts after marriage are told they are weirdos, as it’s all joint money and family money; until it “belongs” to the woman, and then it’s her money.

If a man had an inheritance and and he wanted to keep it in his own account, he would be a selfish bastard and everyone would be saying LTB, yet because it’s a woman she has to get her inheritance back from the man by any means and lock it away back into her own account. If people have joint/family finances, how on earth would taking 3500 out of the joint account and putting it in your own account help this situation? Surely it would just leave the main account short?

Or is it just confirming what I’ve long suspected; these fabled “shared finances” mostly consist of very highly paid men earning it and SAHMs spending it.

Butchyrestingface · 29/08/2019 10:18

Or is it just confirming what I’ve long suspected; these fabled “shared finances” mostly consist of very highly paid men earning it and SAHMs spending it.

🎻 🎻 🎻

♪ This is a woman's world
This is a woman's world
But it wouldn't be nothing
Nothing without a man’s 💰 💰 💰 ♪

Bluntness100 · 29/08/2019 10:19

I don't understand this. Why would you gift this man 1500 quid? You sound like your inheritance/ppi is the only savings you both have, and your gifting nearly half of it to this man? Who is he to you both that you would do this? Then you ve given him another two grand and now your husband wants to give him more? Who does this?

pooopypants · 29/08/2019 10:30

Take the money from joint finances and DH can cover the shortfall

He's an arsehole OP and he should have your back, not be drinking buddies with some loser who is happily bleeding you dry. He absolutely shouldn't be blaming you for anything when he would rather drink with this bloke than tell him that he's not getting any more money because he can't pay his debts!!

Also, consider taking your 'D'H's friend through small claims - gov.uk website is quite easy to use. I've recently done it, there's a small fee and you need to disclose what supporting evidence you have, emails etc.

letsjog · 29/08/2019 10:38

Another vote for sitting down and working out a way to deduct the 2k from joint finances overtime.

Your DP doesn't see it as an issue because he doesn't see it as his money - ergo not his problem. It's about time it became his problem.

EarringsandLipstick · 29/08/2019 13:50

No I get that part Topsecretidentity but even with that approach, jointly they are down £3.5k.

Yes it makes the point to DH but unless money no object, they'll feel the loss of that money in another way ie it won't be there in their joint account for normal spending 🤷🏻‍♀️

WildfirePonie · 29/08/2019 16:42

Take the money from the joint account if he doesn't know what's in there! Make it his problem.

BumbleBeee69 · 29/08/2019 16:51

Take the money from your joint accounts & put it in your own sole account then tell DH he has to make the amount up himself or get it back from his friend, whichever works for him. Then NEVER lend money again.

THIS

BumbleBeee69 · 29/08/2019 16:52

but in all honesty...

OP you really don't seem to care about the money .. or care enough to do this.. so what is the AIBU ?

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