DH and his friend borrowing money

[TheresWaldo]

DH has a very, very old friend, who is a nice guy but a bit flakey, swaps jobs often. He is quite prepared to work hard but to cut a long story short is a bit chaotic etc. A couple of years ago DH asked me if we could GIVE him some cash to buy a van so he could get his business up and running. Without going into all the details as to why this might be a mad plan and why I went along with it, I agreed and sent him £1500. This was a gift. Last year, he contacted dh and was "desperate/bailiffs/nearly homeless" etc and asked to BORROW money. We lent him £2000 which was to be repaid by Xmas.

Now my AIBU is not about the cash given to him as obviously I was quite stupid to do so. But it's more the attitude of DH with regards to getting it back. I had a small inheritance of 4k - my share of my gps worldly goods and life savings and this guy basically has it all. DH has done nothing that I can see to chase the repayment.

We have had a huge argument as the guy asked to borrow MORE promising repayment of everything and DH replied saying "Mrs says no"
This message sent on his iPhone popped up on my iPad. (I wasn't snooping)

He doesn't get at all, that a) I am furious he used me as an excuse rather than saying that it's because he hasn't paid the last lot back yet. b) to me, it seems like his friends feelings are more important than mine - i.e. I am REALLY upset that he has had all my inheritance, not paid it back, yet he is happy to meet up as if nothing has happened. (on this point he called me bitter and twisted)

And obviously I have never seen a penny. (the money came from my account)

I said I would ask directly for it, but that would be mean of me as he wants to go and drink beer with said person at the weekend.

You write that as if it means you must stfu. No chance. I would ask directly. If DH's drinking is spoiled so be it. Why should you be the one left with the bad feelings while DH keeps his comfort? Let DH be the one feeling shit and losing out.

Mate has already been told you are a cow so you might as well live up to it.

I haven't RTFT, but you had £4k and you've been asked for £3.5k? Funny how he knew the right amounts to ask - left you £500 though, just to make it look less dodgy. Hmm, I suspect your H has been running his mouth about your inheritance.
I'd be transferring the whole amount out of the joint account back into my savings then leaving I'm sorry your H is weak willed, and I hope you can find a way out of this

I get that this doesn't fix the issue, but it makes the money your H's problem, which it isn't currently.
I'd also be removing all my money from H's grasp, and maintaining separate bank accounts from here on in. Are you sure H hasn't given him anything from the joint account?

Infuriating when you’re used as the cover, isn’t it, OP? I completely get that it’s not the money, it’s using you as the excuse to refuse instead of just saying no. If he were my husband I would do my utmost to persuade him to repay me the money, that might be the catalyst for him doing the same to his friend.

I would say that as it was your money which was loaned you are perfectly entitled to contact the borrower yourself and ask for it back. If it can't be given back in one go I would insist on it being paid back in monthly installments by direct debit. You need to be assertive about this and not worry about your husband's future relationship with his drinking buddy. That on its own would drive me mad. This person is in debt to you but is drinking at weekends with your husband without any attempt to pay you back? To me that is like taking your money then sticking two fingers up at you. How much does it cost to drink even modestly in a pub at the week end. Does 3 pints cost about £12 ...I am guessing here. That is £48 per month. A direct debit to you for £50 per month is manageable just by not going out at the weekends. Your husband should stop drinking with him until his friend has paid you back.

@Butchyrestingface 🤣

Tell your hubby to pay you back. His attitude is awful does he have that little respect for you?

My DH used to ‘lend’ his sister money constantly and he only got it back half of the time. When DS was born last year I said it had to end, he just couldn’t keep being a loan company to her. He thankfully agreed and whenever she asks he declines. Some people cannot manage their finances and rely on other people constantly to survive. They need to grow up frankly and take control of their own lives.

How much influence does your husband have over you OP? When he is preventing you asking about repayment of a debt, his behaviour is very controlling.

He and his friend have contrived to con you out of a figure which is magically close to your entire inheritance. I think you're being unduly influenced by him. I would be careful if I were you. He doesn't have your best interests at heart.

OP i think you can take control here.

Get your wages into your own account, standing order each month for your share of bills/rent/mortgage/groceries, then rest into your savings.

Tell your DH this is happening, at least until your savings are back up.

There won't be "your extra" in the shared pot for him to spend on ebay, or beers, so it will impact him personally.

Make it clear that he's always got the option of asking his mate for the £2000 back.

He won't, but eventually it'll be his money that he's lost, rather than yours.

and if the lack of consideration/respect signals the beginning of the end, you'll be well set in terms of separation anyway.

If it popped upon your iPad can’t you nowtext him via the iPad and tell g8m to repay the money

This must be really upsetting for you - It struck me, that as well as letting you look like 'the bad guy' , for turning down the latest loan request, he is also sitting back and looking like 'the good guy' , at your expense- because I feel as though as far as his friend's concerned- your lovely husband arranged for him to be given a van and lent £2000- but it came out of your money!

With giving the money for a van- I can't help wondering-did you feel pressured into it? If your husband hadn't suggested it, is it something that it would have occurred to you, to want do? If it hadn't been suggested, either by your husband or the friend, would you have chosen, at that point in your life , to give that much money to charity, or to a friend, and if you might have, is he ever the one you would have chosen?

I know you said the £1,500 has gone now because it was a gift-and as far as the friend is concerned ,of course it has- a gift is a gift (unless its given under duress or undue pressure)- but didn't you say it was supposed to be a gift from both of you, and it just came out of your account, because it was easier to send the money from that? In which case , if you were giving it from both of you, shouldn't your husband have put half, out of any personal money or income of his? So maybe, as regards the van- your husband owes you £750- so it's from you equally. (though depending if he nagged/guilted pressured you in to it, maybe he really should cover all or nearly all of it)

The debt of £2000- which looks like is going to be difficult to get back-should probably be totally covered by your husband-it's his dodgy
friend. At the very least, he should be responsible, from any private money or income of his- he should at least split the damage with you-so your husband should give you at least £1000, if not the whole £2000. (That's if you can't get it back from the friend.)

It's not nice that he's saying harpy mode etc-that not nice calling you names -and it's a bit gaslighting and trying to make you feel you're in the wrong-when actually you are the injured party. You're not being a 'harpy' to mention you mind people not being honest with you and about you- that's a reasonable complaint.

From what you've said , and for want of a better remedy- I'd be inclined to get at least £1,750 going into your account -either from the joint, or any separate account your husband has- just on principle .

I can also see why you'd be annoyed by him saying wife says 'no',when he hadn't asked you-it's not honest, and it's a cheek -making you sound like the 'mean one' , when you've given this man most of your inheritance!

I would do a bit of googling , to be honest - being flash or careless with other people's money can be connected with sociopathy or narcissism, and do a bit of reading on it-just to check your husband isn't hitting lots of descriptors for either of those conditions and you just haven't previously realized. Also, maybe look up things like economic abuse in domestic relationships.

Look after yourself, anyway and don't let him be dismissive of you, he ought to be apologetic to you, since his friend has gone cantering off with your money, like Dick Turpin , in a van . (A van that you paid for, to add insult to injury!)

Sorry my post was so long! and now I have to add a bit- because I do feel guilty and a bit mean- referring to the friend a 'Dick Turpin'! - there's nothing in what you've said to say he he is intentionally not paying back or deliberately stealing, at all, it does sound as though he has problems and is struggling with things, but I think you're husband is being too causual about how this affects you.

So, he should be saying things like 'oh dear, I'm sorry' ,and so on- and not acting as though you're the problem. But I didn't mean to make it sound like the friend was an actual thief-I'm sure he isn't -but you are still out of pocket all the same-so your husband should be recognizing that it's a reasonable amount to have to potentially write off, even if maybe the friend is obviously struggling and perhaps not coping very welll with things, and he should act in a more caring thoughtful way about it.

I would definitely take the money out the joint account over a period of time and put it back in to your own savings account, It looks as though you're going to need it in the not too distant future when you finally manage to get shut of the selfish arse.

If people wish to borrow money they can via
Over draft from their bank
Credit card
Bank loan with added interest
Work a second or third job
Car or van finance or lease
Your DH has bypassed all the above to borrow from yourselves with no payment plan in place

I don't think that you will see any of your money back, because you have no payment plan in place

Don't lend any more money

Open up a 'run away savings fund' in your name only immediately

Your DH friend has bypassed all the above methods of borrowing & your husband has encouraged him

No pay back plan

No pay back plan

Possibly doesn't meet the threshold OP but only you know all the facts and bearing in mind the sums involved and the name-calling, you might wish to read through this:

www.cps.gov.uk/legal-guidance/controlling-or-coercive-behaviour-intimate-or-family-relationship

Is your dh a bit flakey or vulnerable in some way?
Approach the friend, say you want the money back,how is he going to pay it back (he won't). Take the money back from joint funds and tell dh to make it up. Protect yourself in future and don't let him abuse you

Suggest friend sells van or gives it to you to get money

And don't be upset he said Mrs said no. Of course she did, she'd be a fool otherwise

Ask your dh to start paying it back on his dear friends behalf then the debt will become his.

You shouldn’t have said yes to it but nothing you can do now but I’d be saying to dh to cough up on behalf of his friend because they have both taken you for a ride. I bet you are so angry, I’m angry for you!

Have you not considered speaking to the friend yourself and arranging a payment plan?

How long would it take you to save up the whole amount of the money ?
Would you need to work overtime or a second job ?
Plus you have also lost the interest on your savings.
Exactly how much have you lost including interest ?

I’d transfer the 2k back to your account from the joint account and let your ‘d’h chase the debt with his friend. Then stop lending money to people.