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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH and his friend borrowing money

149 replies

TheresWaldo · 28/08/2019 21:08

DH has a very, very old friend, who is a nice guy but a bit flakey, swaps jobs often. He is quite prepared to work hard but to cut a long story short is a bit chaotic etc. A couple of years ago DH asked me if we could GIVE him some cash to buy a van so he could get his business up and running. Without going into all the details as to why this might be a mad plan and why I went along with it, I agreed and sent him £1500. This was a gift. Last year, he contacted dh and was "desperate/bailiffs/nearly homeless" etc and asked to BORROW money. We lent him £2000 which was to be repaid by Xmas.

Now my AIBU is not about the cash given to him as obviously I was quite stupid to do so. But it's more the attitude of DH with regards to getting it back. I had a small inheritance of 4k - my share of my gps worldly goods and life savings and this guy basically has it all. DH has done nothing that I can see to chase the repayment.

We have had a huge argument as the guy asked to borrow MORE promising repayment of everything and DH replied saying "Mrs says no"
This message sent on his iPhone popped up on my iPad. (I wasn't snooping)

He doesn't get at all, that a) I am furious he used me as an excuse rather than saying that it's because he hasn't paid the last lot back yet. b) to me, it seems like his friends feelings are more important than mine - i.e. I am REALLY upset that he has had all my inheritance, not paid it back, yet he is happy to meet up as if nothing has happened. (on this point he called me bitter and twisted)

And obviously I have never seen a penny. (the money came from my account)

OP posts:
Merryfecker · 28/08/2019 22:02

This is why I would never lend money to my dh's family. Have in the past and his attitude to attempting to getting it back left a lot to be desired! Needless to say we are out of pocket, I've wrote it off but under no circumstances will we be lending them cash again.

EarringsandLipstick · 28/08/2019 22:02

Poochandmutt

I'd actually kick my dh out for this .hes taken advantage of you,put his friend before his wife.you should come first*

What?! She gave the friend the money. Her money. Herself.

No DH isn't chasing it. Why should he?

Why on earth should she kick him out?

Londonmummy66 · 28/08/2019 22:03

Your DH has a friend problem - you have a DH problem

Herocomplex · 28/08/2019 22:04

Lending/giving whatever, it’s always a problem. The ‘friend’ is a chancer, but your DH is letting you down quite badly. I’d be a bit worried and quite frankly disappointed that he’s been weak. Be careful.

Windydaysuponus · 28/08/2019 22:05

Has your dh got any balls?
How can he look you in the eye after being such a let down?
Mate shouldn't be buying bloody beer!

greenwaterbottle · 28/08/2019 22:05

I would message back on the joint iPad.
No I didn't say no, what I actually said was that I was expecting the previous loan to have been paid back by now not lending you more money

BEDinhalfanhour · 28/08/2019 22:10

Your friend might move on now I think.

Ginger1982 · 28/08/2019 22:11

You have a MASSIVE DH problem here. The fact that he has just shrugged his shoulders when you've asked how you're going to get the money back from HIS friend is pretty unforgivable. Why didn't he lend him HIS money? I'm guessing because he didn't have it to give away? So he's just decided that you and your money aren't important? If he won't get the money back from his friend then I would tell your DH you want it from HIM!

epari · 28/08/2019 22:14

your partner does not care because it wasn't his money, it was your inheritance. No other reason. So he can "emotionally afford" to never see it again!

Shooturlocalmethdealer · 28/08/2019 22:14

Your DH isn't concerned because it wasnt HIS money. DH is showing an utter lack of respect to you. I would be standing up to him and his leech of a friend.

Original poster
TheresWaldo · 28/08/2019 22:15

"I still can't see why you are so angry at your DH.

It sounds like he told the truth. Both payments were your money. Now, you don't want to give any more (thank God).

It sounds like your DH would give it if he could! (Mental)

I can't understand PPs saying 'their relationship wouldn't survive'. You don't seem to have been coerced into doing this, for your own reasons you agreed.

You're now cross that 'friend' is asking for more money. But you happily handed over €2k with a vague promise it'd be paid back.

I don't agree with posters calling you a 'mug'. It sounds like you are kind-hearted. But foolish! And I can't see why your annoyance isn't directed at yourself."

Because DH and I share finances. The inheritance was in an account (mine) where it was easier to make a transfer. We agreed as a COUPLE about the money - the gift and the subsequent loan. But now he wants to go drink beer with his friend but I am bad for asking for the loan to repaid in case that makes his life more awkward? And it is MY fault for being a mug? How dare I upset the MEN!

OP posts:
BumbleBeee69 · 28/08/2019 22:16

That money is gone OP. I would block all access to your accounts for you DH tbh, what a Prick. Flowers

Ginger1982 · 28/08/2019 22:18

Ah, your mistake was considering your inheritance as 'joint money.' If your DH wanted to help his friend he should have paid it from his own money or from jointly earned money. He clearly doesn't care about your money at all as he hasn't technically lost anything.

Original poster
TheresWaldo · 28/08/2019 22:20

I agree about the emotional thing - it was MY inheritance. If it was something that blocked his credit card or eBay account he might take it more seriously.

OP posts:
QualCheckBot · 28/08/2019 22:21

Wow, I would get divorced for that. I'm not joking. It is seriously disrespectful and irresponsible of your DH to get you involved in something like that. You were put in a very awkward position. You should be able to depend on your DH to speak up for you.

Go and let him live with the flaky friend.

Original poster
TheresWaldo · 28/08/2019 22:22

He wouldn't care if it came from joint account as he has no idea what is in there.

OP posts:
inwood · 28/08/2019 22:23

Well you've been a massive Wally with your cash. It's a bizarre set up.

BigChocFrenzy · 28/08/2019 22:24

OP:
Tell your DH to make out a monthly standing order to you of say 200 quid or whatever his weekly spending money on beer etc is,
until he has paid back his friend's debt to you^

DelphiniumBlue · 28/08/2019 22:24

Presumably DH is subbing the guy's beer money too. How can he have front to go drinking when he owes you the money?
I think as DH is clearly too chicken to ask for the money, or to suggest he sets a repayment plan, you will have to do that yourself. I'd be giving DH a very hard time about letting you down, and I'd tell the friend that you want a direct debit set up, 500 pounds per month so its paid off by Christmas, as promised. I'd put that in writing tonight.

Drum2018 · 28/08/2019 22:25

I'd text the friend directly and tell him that you have said it's not possible to lend him any more money seeing as you are still waiting on the 3.5k to be paid back, or the 2k if you are saying the 1.5k was a gift. Fuck him. He's no friend!

Bumbags · 28/08/2019 22:25

Can you transfer some of DH’s money into your inheritance account so it becomes dh problem to get it back

It’s not currently affecting your dh because it wasn’t really his money.

BMW6 · 28/08/2019 22:26

Your DH values his friend more than you. That's all.

MollyButton · 28/08/2019 22:26

Because DH and I share finances.

See this is the real nub of the problem. You do know that more marriages breakdown over money than adultery?
Ideally everyone should have their own pot as well as any shared - to pay for treats, even if your treat is lending money you'll never ask for back. (Especially when you have such low self esteem that you are willing to buy friends, rather than challenge them when they are taking the mickey, because otherwise they might not be your friend any more.)

Original poster
TheresWaldo · 28/08/2019 22:28

Qualcheck - on the verge of that. He already mentioned he expects me to apologise in the morning as I had had some wine so am presumably in shrieking harpy mode or some such.

OP posts:
DishingOutDone · 28/08/2019 22:28

I'm really confused now.

Do you want the money back - yes or no?

If no, then you have a twat for a DH but hey, I can talk I have one too (but mine is STBExH)

If yes, tell your DH he sort it out with friend this weekend and then he pays you back your inheritance.

If there is something I missing please do tell.