DH and his friend borrowing money

[TheresWaldo]

DH has a very, very old friend, who is a nice guy but a bit flakey, swaps jobs often. He is quite prepared to work hard but to cut a long story short is a bit chaotic etc. A couple of years ago DH asked me if we could GIVE him some cash to buy a van so he could get his business up and running. Without going into all the details as to why this might be a mad plan and why I went along with it, I agreed and sent him £1500. This was a gift. Last year, he contacted dh and was "desperate/bailiffs/nearly homeless" etc and asked to BORROW money. We lent him £2000 which was to be repaid by Xmas.

Now my AIBU is not about the cash given to him as obviously I was quite stupid to do so. But it's more the attitude of DH with regards to getting it back. I had a small inheritance of 4k - my share of my gps worldly goods and life savings and this guy basically has it all. DH has done nothing that I can see to chase the repayment.

We have had a huge argument as the guy asked to borrow MORE promising repayment of everything and DH replied saying "Mrs says no"
This message sent on his iPhone popped up on my iPad. (I wasn't snooping)

He doesn't get at all, that a) I am furious he used me as an excuse rather than saying that it's because he hasn't paid the last lot back yet. b) to me, it seems like his friends feelings are more important than mine - i.e. I am REALLY upset that he has had all my inheritance, not paid it back, yet he is happy to meet up as if nothing has happened. (on this point he called me bitter and twisted)

And obviously I have never seen a penny. (the money came from my account)

I think lots of pp are missing the point?

Your DH used you as an excuse.. and seemingly doesn't care that his friend has taken advantage.
Isn't one of the points of having a partner that you have someone who has your back.
Your DH should have said " mate, you already owe her money, are you serious?"
Or similar

Did you give this friend the money and are now asking DH to retrieve it. I am a bit confused.

You are not a mug as you tried to help someone with a high risk approach of throwing money at him. It is never a wise option.

I think the money has gone and you won’t see it again unless DH gives you it out of his own account on the basis that it was his friend ?

OP

To be clear, I did NOT say you were a mug & I explicitly said the opposite (you quoted my whole post and then added the bit another poster said about you being a mug)

Ok, you jointly agreed to give the money. Your DH isn't bothered about the lack of repayment. (Of course he should be ).

You handed the money over, one amount as a gift (crazy thing to do), another as a very ill-defined loan.

You're raging at your DH for his lack of action now.

I think you need to be a lot more raging at yourself - it was your money (inheritance from GPs), and you were silly about it.

You also need to talk to DH. Say how you feel now & jointly decide what to do.

Buy the money is gone. This 'friend' lacks capacity and determination to repay.

You can be cross, to an extent with your DH. But I think you were ultimately really foolish about it. No-one made you do this, from your account so far 🤷🏻‍♀️

Good point from Ginger

Ah, your mistake was considering your inheritance as 'joint money.' If your DH wanted to help his friend he should have paid it from his own money or from jointly earned money. He clearly doesn't care about your money at all as he hasn't technically lost anything.

I'd send the following to the friend

Dear CF, I'm glad you brought up the issue of borrowing money. As you will remember, we very kindly GAVE you £1.5k in xx and LENT you a further £2k on the condition it was paid back. Although DH and I agree the LOAN, it was - in fact - my money. I would therefore like you to set up a direct debit of xx per month, as I am expecting this money back from you. Please send me a screen shot of the dd so that I can know what to expect on which date each month. It is so awful to fall out over money - I think we've learnt our lesson over this - neither a borrower nor a lender be, eh CF? I hope we can keep relationships cordial and you understand that the money needs to start being repaid now. See you next week/in hell/never ever in my life

Or something along those lines!

You're raging at your DH for his lack of action now.

No, she’s raging with her DH for using her as an excuse, rather than saying himself “you must be kidding, mate”.

And if that doesn't work, I'd be saying to DH - I want to put my inheritance back in my account, so please can you set up a dd to repay me x each month. I understand you don't want to fall out with CF friend, so will leave it with you to sort out.

Take the money from your joint accounts & put it in your own sole account then tell DH he has to make the amount up himself or get it back from his friend, whichever works for him. Then NEVER lend money again.

I think the OP deserves sympathy. Because I think she has quite possibly been coerced into giving her money by this man. Hopefully not deliberately, but it is what it is. The DH's behaviour doesn't indicate any intention of doing the right thing for the OP. Its very convenient for him and his friend.

OP. people can only ever treat you how you let them. ...Its an unfortunate human trait to confuse "kindness"for daftness. You admit you knew you were risking a loss.That doesnt mean you have to expect one.
do not put it down to experience.at least-not until an attempt has been made to rectify it.
it doesnt matter if you "need"it. its not about that. Your dh is being an absoloute arsehole. I think it is perfectly reasonable to inform him and his mate you want payments of(set a realistic amount). on set date every month. tell dh he is equally as responsible for a.swinging the loan b.not looking for repay c.going for beers and NOT feeling awkward. ..he cant remove any from joint funds..so even if wants to get evening job.or sell his internal organs..or whatever. .but the onus is on him to fix this.or fuck off

I'd take whatever is the joint account. I doubt this is the only problem with your dh treating you badly in your marriage. I'd be reconsidering things.

Because I think she has quite possibly been coerced into giving her money by this man.

Is coercion the new “anxiety” type buzzword on here?

She has quite clearly posted several times she was fine to GIVE him £1.5k and then chucked him about £2k with a vague repayment date. Let’s treat her like the sovereign grown up she says she is?

Ok Squirrels fair point

But I think her ire is overall misplaced.

What did she think was going to happen when she / they [with her money] lent the £2k?

She knew what he was like. He asked for the money as he was nearly homeless! He was hardly going to quickly turn into a model citizen & sort himself out and repay in an organised way. I just can't get why a) OP did this at all b) she's not equally cross with herself & DH c) she's not addressing this directly and trying to get money back.

I'm not saying DH is covering himself in glory at all!

So you had an inheritance of £4,000 and you gave £2,000 and then £1,500, totally £3,500, of your money to a friend of your husbands??

Why?

Why has your husband not given his money to his friend?

Totally agree AnneLovesGilbert

Do not lend money to friends

Tbh if it was me I'd make it my dh's problem. I'd say to dh "look, I expect you to pay me back that money - it is up to you to get it back from your friend if you can but either way, you need to add 2000 to my/our savings over the next years and that money is the replacement of my inheritance - I've accepted the loss of 1,500 of my grandparent's hard-earned cash since I was stupid enough to give it to your friend but expect the 2,000 back - up to you to do it"

I think I would be choosing to gatecrash their beer drinking. Sit facing 'friend' and ask him when he is going to repay my money. And when he starts blustering, swing round to face husband and point out that if his friend won't, then he will have to. Fuck it, I'd totally embarrass both of these wankstains.

I like this idea.

Ridiculous that he doesn't have your back and is using you as an excuse - lying about you, essentially.

Agree that you should take this money from DH so it's him the friend owes money to. See how he feels about it then!

I would also be in direct contact with the friend as it sounds like you can't trust your husband at all when I comes to him, with regards to what is said/plans (or lack thereof) to do with money..

Thing is, OP, your H is more interested in bailing out his friend than in your feelings. So (unless your H has several thousands of his own tucked away) the next thing is going to be your H taking out loans (in joint names) to hand over to his spendthrift friend. Because 'mates before dates' and basically women are facilities to make men's lives better, and only men matter.

My DS has given his friend money and an old car over the years. They have been friends since childhood. He is a lovely guy very dyslexic, dyspraxic, you name it he has it. His wife has curtailed the giving somewhat because they need the money now. You are right to stand your ground OP, but as for seeing the money back........

A very sensible post from pallisers

Actually it wouldn’t bother me at all that he used me as an excuse to say no. Surely this happens a lot, and it’s just a white lie? (“I’d love to go to your stag do in Timbuktu / abseiling down Everest / 72 hour drinking session followed by 24 hours in custody but the wife won’t let me! I’m so sorry!” My DD says it too sometimes!

And at least he said no!

It would bother me that he’s not trying to get the £2k back though. And this is one of the reasons I’m not in favour of completely joint finances.

You were daft to lend the money. If my husband asked me for money for his mate of say jog on! I would never have lent that kind of money . My mother always said, only lend out what you're prepared to lose.

I'd be tempted to explain to your husband that the money has to come back somehow, but at this point you no longer care how. If he doesn't want to ask his friend for it, then your husband has to come up with another plan to get it back. Maybe he needs to sell something of his own, or take on some extra hours over the next six months, or figure out a weekend job he can do... Basically, make him choose between him doing some extra work himself to recuperate the money, or asking his friend do something to get it back.

You might share finances, but it is cheeky to be so cavalier with your inheritance.

I don't know how your finances are arranged, but could you open an account in your name only and transfer £2k from the joint account (a bit at a time if needed) to replace your inheritance?

It means that you as a couple will need to live more frugally for a while, but perhaps OH will start to be impacted by that? And you'll get your gps' money replaced so you can use it for something that you choose.