To think my mum doesn't really care about seeing DC?

[XtraSpice]

When I got married a few years ago, I moved about 1 hour and 20 minutes away from my mum, dad, siblings etc.

Property prices aren't cheap, hence the move. But it's also a nicer area than the one I use to live in.

When I first had DC my mum was up every week to see us, without fail. Then it gradually just stopped completely.

I don't really see her at all anymore. We speak on the phone but 9/10 it's always me calling her. I tested this once and it was over 12 days before I heard anything from her. When we do speak on the phone it's often rushed with her making her excuses to go, because of the kids, etc etc. It's incredibly frustrated but I understand since it can't always be helped.

I've never really 'looked' at the situation before or stopped to question it, but I'm beginning to feel like my own mum isn't really fussed about seeing my little one

I've come over to my Nan's for a day and a bit for work related reasons. My mum was suppose to be having DC but then the evening before the work event cancelled on me more or less, as she 'just didn't know how she was going to park' and said she'd have to take a train. Then went on to say that she couldn't leave her dog since hers and my Nan's don't get on. She's also renovating the house so everything is everywhere etc, no flooring down downstairs.

She said she might've come last night when my Dad was home from work, as she'd get parking then etc. But she never did. My Nan lives 35/40 mins away by car from her.

I have to go this afternoon but I hoped she may pop down this morning. I'm hoping she will but I don't think it's going to happen.

I just feel a bit lost. We were extremely close once and in a way we still are because we get on like a house on fire when I do see her. But I'm beginning to realise I don't really have anyone from my family, really. Not 'properly' like so many friends of mine have. They can really rely on theirs.

A key factor in all this is that I don't drive. My family do. I'm currently learning so I'm hoping that gives me more freedom to see whoever I like, but my cynical side now thinks that'll all be one sided.

I know I may sound needy or whatever else but I've never asked for any help from anyone. I do absolutely everything on my own. I juggle keeping a house, working and looking after my DC, all without my own family for support. And that's fine, I've never really questioned it at all, but it would be nice to feel like people really want to see DC.

I was 19 when I had him, in a new town I didn't know. And nothing phased me. I've always been very happy. Never questioned it or wanted 'help'. Now DC is older now though, I do see how little we see of my own family.

You not driving and the distance you moved means it’s all on family if they want to visit. That’s a three hour round trip pretty much so I wouldn’t of expected frequent visitors.

Maybe other families are closer because they are nearer to each other or share the visits.

IceCream Which I totally understand and think a weekly visit is a bit much.

But my mum doesn't work. So a monthly visit or maybe more isn't asking much. Not really.

Do you visit her monthly?

IceCream No, definitely not. More like every 2/3 months.

By train, a big 3 hour slog there and 3 hour slog back. But usually I don't end up going (I try and arrange more regular visits) since something's come up, one of the kids have an activity, they're out for the weekend, etc.

We didn’t have family support. Partly due to distance, partly due to them having their own lives to live - it’s meant they weren’t too dependent as they got older. Partly turning up to look at a young child can be boring and a three hour round trip is a big ask for that.
How often do you do the drive?

Yanbu. I get it’s a long distance but that doesn’t prevent your mum engaging with calls or making the effort once in a while.
I know on mumsnet there’s an expectation that you move out and have zero expectations of your family but in reality you do expect your parents to support you ok some capacity, particularly as you are still a young mum and have no support.
I really understand your situation but my advice is to lower your expectations. I spent years making excuses for my family until I accepted that they are just crap and don’t really give a shit. I have just tried to concentrate my efforts into my own family and becoming what they’re not.

I don't drive and I wouldn't expect people to visit me monthly. I will travel by train - or DP will give us a lift - if I want to visit someone.

It sounds like it already is one sided ie you're the one not putting any effort in. Maybe your mum got fed up of always being the one to visit.

It sounds like you are still married - you shouldn't have to juggle everything. That's a problem with your DH, nothing to do with your relationship with your mum.

I think I understand from your post that you have younger siblings, could they be taking up her time a lot and not making it easy to travel? I do wonder as well as if she feels you are "launched" married, house, child and so is taking a step back as she either feels it's not necessary or doesn't want to interfere in your new life, would she open to a non accusational discussion? Maybe telling her that you feel lonely and distant from the rest of the family and want to be more involved with more contact.

I understand how you feel, It does sound like she is very caught up in her own life and not so bothered about yours and that, while not intentional, is hurtful. Maybe she thinks you don't need her so much as you've done so well being young and having a baby. She may not even realise that she is making you feel like this so maybe have a chat with her about it?

I don't drive and I wouldn't expect people to visit me monthly. I will travel by train - or DP will give us a lift - if I want to visit someone.

It sounds like it already is one sided ie you're the one not putting any effort in. Maybe your mum got fed up of always being the one to visit.

Yeah, I would travel too to see 'anyone' (and I do that already to see my mum). But this isn't just anyone. If I had a grandchild, I just can't imagine not making lots of effort to see them it's not just visiting 'someone'.

And did you not read the part where I travel up 3 hours each way via public transport?

It sounds like you are still married - you shouldn't have to juggle everything. That's a problem with your DH, nothing to do with your relationship with your mum.

By juggle everything I didn't mean literally juggling everything alone. Just the day to day. DH hasn't done anything wrong.

I was just giving an example of how I am and what I've always done, which is just get on with it with 0 support unless DH isn't at work

If I had a grandchild, I just can't imagine not making lots of effort to see them

Yet you have a mom and only make the effort every three months. You seem to expect a lot from others without doing it yourself.

As for getting on with daily life with no support, given you are an adult who chose to become a parent It’s just part of life an something millions do every day.

How old are your siblings?

I can't see any other reason than them that she can't manage once a month.

Could you formalise it all?

Say a call once a week at a certain time when neither of you are likely to be busy (Sunday night?) and then a meet up once a month where you take it in turn to travel?

Say a call once a week at a certain time when neither of you are likely to be busy (Sunday night?) and then a meet up once a month where you take it in turn to travel?

Ironically, myself and her sister have had this argument with her. In a nutshell, her response is something along the lines of "well I can't do that because things are just too unpredictable".

And if we try to arrange it, which we have tried before a few times, she doesn't answer. Or her phone is dead.

Sorry op, I also agree that is sounds quite one-sided. It’s not your mums fault you don’t drive. She made the effort to come and see you every week. You went to see her once every 3 months. Bit unbalanced there! Are your siblings a long younger than you? I’m very close to my parents but I cant imagine them wanted to visit me every single weekend. They have their own life

Papa I've never once suggested she should visit 'every single weekend'.

And you also seem to have completely ignored that I end up going every 2/3 months (via a long 3 hour slog there and then 3 hours back again), because she cancels on me. Something always comes up, there's usually a last minute reason why now isn't the best time, and then leaves this "Well it's up to you..." phrase in the air, knowing full well the answer is for me to just leave it because it'd be too inconvenient now.

Ah, I feel for you I really do.

When I had my first dc I saw how my friend's parents doted on the babies. They babysat at the drop of a hat, they wanted baby/children over at theirs for Christmas especially 1st one. They were invited often for bbqs or Sunday lunch. If they were ill the grandparents had the baby/children. Even just going going for a haircut or doing some chores - the children were dropped off with the grandparents.

During the first couple of years I felt painfully jealous. My parents had moved to another country when I was pregnant so of course I didn't expect the babysitting or invites over. I still was jealous, particularly that when my friends were ill they always got help whereas I always had to get on with it.

When it was my Baby's 1st Christmas neither grandparents were bothered about seeing him. When they did see him they wouldn't get involved playing with him or even changing a nappy. It upset me a lot.

But I just had to accept that they were different from other grandparents. Lowering my expectations has made me feel a lot better.

Is there somewhere you could meet in the middle

How old are your siblings?

Under Sorry to hear that. It is sad.

I wouldn't expect that much from anyone, all I ask is an active interest in DC and a regular visit or not cancelling on me visiting when I'm making the effort to travel 3 hours via public transport with lots of stops and changes with a pram etc

I know some grandparents are just different but I find it odd. My MIL always asks after DC, ensures he is well, offers every now and then if we'd like her to babysit whilst we have an evening out (we've only ever taken her up on that offer twice, as not to take the piss).

She does live closer than my own mum but it's not just that. She's actually, genuinely, interested in DC.

I don't think she could imagine not having proper conversations anymore with her own daughter.

And for all her faults which there are a lot, her relationship with me being shifty being one of them, I feel like she's at least a very engaged grandparent.

harrie 11, 10 and 5

Hmmmm. I think if she has 3 under 11 it's a real stretch for her to get to you too. My DSD's social lives are insane at 11 and 14 so I suspect your mum is your sibs taxi service. Unfortunately, you're likely to be the least squeaky wheel of all of her children.

Yet you have a mom and only make the effort every three months. You seem to expect a lot from others without doing it yourself.

Fair enough but I actively see other grandparents doing more, by the bucket load.

I'm really not asking for babysitting and constant non stop contact. I'd just like to see my mum and for my DC to know her for the lovely women I always thought she was

Yet it appears clearer and clearer that she's very ditsy and chaotic.

DH saw this coming a mile off and kept on saying she'd stop visiting once DC got less 'baby'. He was bang on the money and I never believed a word of it at the time

@XtraSpice my youngest are 11,9 and 8.My son is 23 and has a baby.I would love to visit more and be more help but its just not possible.

If i didnt have the younger kids,i could be so much more helpful.But your dm has 3 younger kids at home.Its not like shes sat their twiddling her thumbs.

How old are your kids?.