To think my mum doesn't really care about seeing DC?

[XtraSpice]

When I got married a few years ago, I moved about 1 hour and 20 minutes away from my mum, dad, siblings etc.

Property prices aren't cheap, hence the move. But it's also a nicer area than the one I use to live in.

When I first had DC my mum was up every week to see us, without fail. Then it gradually just stopped completely.

I don't really see her at all anymore. We speak on the phone but 9/10 it's always me calling her. I tested this once and it was over 12 days before I heard anything from her. When we do speak on the phone it's often rushed with her making her excuses to go, because of the kids, etc etc. It's incredibly frustrated but I understand since it can't always be helped.

I've never really 'looked' at the situation before or stopped to question it, but I'm beginning to feel like my own mum isn't really fussed about seeing my little one

I've come over to my Nan's for a day and a bit for work related reasons. My mum was suppose to be having DC but then the evening before the work event cancelled on me more or less, as she 'just didn't know how she was going to park' and said she'd have to take a train. Then went on to say that she couldn't leave her dog since hers and my Nan's don't get on. She's also renovating the house so everything is everywhere etc, no flooring down downstairs.

She said she might've come last night when my Dad was home from work, as she'd get parking then etc. But she never did. My Nan lives 35/40 mins away by car from her.

I have to go this afternoon but I hoped she may pop down this morning. I'm hoping she will but I don't think it's going to happen.

I just feel a bit lost. We were extremely close once and in a way we still are because we get on like a house on fire when I do see her. But I'm beginning to realise I don't really have anyone from my family, really. Not 'properly' like so many friends of mine have. They can really rely on theirs.

A key factor in all this is that I don't drive. My family do. I'm currently learning so I'm hoping that gives me more freedom to see whoever I like, but my cynical side now thinks that'll all be one sided.

I know I may sound needy or whatever else but I've never asked for any help from anyone. I do absolutely everything on my own. I juggle keeping a house, working and looking after my DC, all without my own family for support. And that's fine, I've never really questioned it at all, but it would be nice to feel like people really want to see DC.

I was 19 when I had him, in a new town I didn't know. And nothing phased me. I've always been very happy. Never questioned it or wanted 'help'. Now DC is older now though, I do see how little we see of my own family.

@XtraSpice, that's really sad. You are only young and miss your mum.
It sounds like she has cut you out of her life. Have you told her how much you miss her?
If you have and she still doesn't care I'd say it's time to move on. Not stop contact but stop trying to fix things. You are getting your heart broken again and again and you don't deserve that.
Do you have other support? Your nan? Aunty? Concentrate on strengthening your relationship with them so your DC can still have important family members in their life.

You’re shudderingly desperate to play the victim, my goodness it’s pathetic!

With any luck you’ll look back at this thought process and cringe at yourself in the bit so distant future.

I'm on your side OP and I don't understand why so many people have got the knives out for you on here🧐

@XtraSpice dont Jesus Christ me.Unlike you im in the same position
So i know how fucking tiring 3 kids are.

And i know the kids have other activities,its not only about your dm.She has other commitments.

And getting snotty with people disagreeing with you makes you sound spoilt.

Come back when your dc has kids and you still have 3 kids at home.Then you might have some idea. Jesus.

dust Yet you don't seem to be able to shed any light on why, despite being so tired but having the energy for multiple friends round and BBQ's, visits to family elsewhere etc, she can't just talk for 5 minutes?

In addition to that, I'm sure you said in one of your previous posts that you will be helping your son with their baby once your kids are back in school

I feel reading the stately homes threads could help you with your situation
Best wishes OP
www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3588850-But-we-took-you-to-Stately-Homes-survivors-of-dysfunctional-and-toxic-families

She's a very 'it is what it is' person and usually sees the best in things. She agreed it was best to move here since we couldn't afford to live comfortably in her area

Maybe she's just accepted that you moving away means your relationship has deteriorated. It's hard when you live apart from your family, especially when you both have commitments. She has three dependent children, and you have a partner and a young child - it's never going to be easy to meet up, especially when you don't drive and public transport takes so long.

I do feel sorry for you, it's not an easy position to be in. You moved to be with your partner but unfortunately that meant you had to move away from your parents. I think you need to focus on learning to drive and building up some independence so you can travel home without needing to rely on public transport/on others coming to you.

@XtraSpice of course i will be helping but im not your dm.I dont know her life and why she has pulled back.

Yet you don't seem to be able to shed any light on why, despite being so tired but having the energy for multiple friends round and BBQ's, visits to family elsewhere etc, she can't just talk for 5 minutes

Look i told about my life,doesnt mean your dms life is the same.I have given reasons why she cant commit.But you will have to ask her.

Just concentrate on learning to drive and doing the best for your dc,thats all you can do.You cant force your dm to have the relationship you would like.

We were extremely close once and in a way we still are because we get on like a house on fire when I do see her. But I'm beginning to realise I don't really have anyone from my family, really. Not 'properly' like so many friends of mine have.

This is unreal. YABVVU. You think you don’t ‘have anyone from your family’ despite having a mother who you get on well with, who you see even couple months despite the distance and young kids, and speak to on the phone. Christ on a bike. Your posts drip with self pity, especially:

But this is what I'm not understanding - How visiting your DC and Grandchild once a MONTH or so (with or without your own DC as they'd happily go or stay with my dad), is completely unreasonable?

When you only visit her every 2-3 months and have two fewer kids than she does!

I feel like I can never even get hold of her, let alone speak face to face

Perhaps she’s distancing herself from you a little as she’s picking up on how one sided the relationship is, nothing ever being good enough for you, acting like a spoiled child wanting things from your mum you’re not willing to do yourself?

And your point about how you didn’t call for a while to see how long it’d take her to ring you, she called you after less than two weeks! How is that not an acceptable length of time when she’s got her own life to lead and her own children? You feel aggrieved because she didn’t ring sooner?

You sound far too immature and young to be ready to get on with raising your own family and have unreasonable expectations of your mum. As someone who’s about to raise a child with my own mum dead, I can’t tell you how selfish and entitled you’re coming across as.

adaline But the main issue isn't transport, this is the thing.

Sorry if you've missed it but I've repeatedly said I try to arrange to go up there (myself), and usually it gets cancelled. There's some last minute excuse of why I can't go up, why they're too busy now.

Yes in my head I'd like for her to visit me instead since it takes just an hour and a bit for her but the reality is I'm the one travelling up to her, 3 hours each way. And even that usually gets cancelled (by her).

To top it all off I can't speak with her on the phone. She either doesn't answer, says she's busy or says she will ring back. She never does ring me back though

You say maybe me moving away is fine with her and she's accepted the relationship has deteriorated but that's a load of waffle - She speaks regularly to a friend in Scotland, goes up there often. Has a good relationship with family in Greece, sees them twice a year.

She seems miraculously efficient at fitting it all in for a mum of 3 dependant children so there's no doubt it must be tiring. But is all this really all too much that you can't spare you daughter a chat on the phone?

I'd be the first to know if there was a crisis though. She use to work as admin in the kids school a while back but gave it up. I would often randomly get calls of what's happened in the office and who's said what, then before a 'so how are you?' Could even be asked by her, she'd say 'anyway I've got to go!'

I'm a grandmother to three. My youngest child is 23, so a long time since I had to parent small children.

However, it's only been three years since the last child left home and I could stop being a taxi/cook/cleaner/maid of all work. I am enjoying my downtime when I'm not at work.

It's not that I'm not interested in my grandchildren, but they aren't my children. I didn't choose to have them and I choose not to look after them. They live half an hour away. I've got two jobs and when I'm not at work I want to sit quietly, not be dashing around after two year olds saying 'don't touch that'.

Not quite in the same boat as your mum, but, yes, it's a shame that she's not more 'hands on', but grandchildren are a world away from your own children. And also maybe, given she's got young children, she doesn't want to be reminded that she's old enough to be a granny too.

Gamma Talk about twisting words. The relationship is one sided, but she's the one not putting the other half in! Not me. Have you missed where I keep saying I'm the one to call, I'm the one to arrange visits that just constantly get knocked down or cancelled (by her)?

I'm the one putting in all the effort to have contact. She is putting in 0. Absolute 0.

Friv That's really nasty. But thanks for that, as if I didn't feel rubbish enough

Based on info the OP has given, she's around 21/22 years old, has a two year old child and is upset because her mother seems to be distancing herself from her. OP has already said that she does make the three hour train journey to visit her mum, but that her mum frequently cancels these visits and won't answer the phone to OP. I don't think OP ibu at all to feel hurt. She's a young mum who would like to see her mum take an interest in her grandchild. I don't think OP is asking anything more than that. You only have to read the number of threads that appear on here from others with parents or pil who take little interest to see that the responses to OP here seem out of kilter with the usual responses.

Anyway, OP, I don't honestly know that you can do anything here apart from change your expectations. Clearly your mum doesn't choose to speak or spend time with you and your dc. That's sad for you, but actually, it's sadder for her as she is losing out on building a relationship with her dgc. My MIL took no interest in my kids, preferring to spend her energies on her other dgc. Now they are all adults and she is very I'll, she wonders why they are not running around after her and helping to look after her. My, usually very mild-mannered Dh has told her to look back at her treatment of them over the years and then seriously explain to him why she thinks they should. Her only response was that she is their grandmother, but, as he told her, it's taken her 30 odd years to ever that she has two more grandchildren.

I would suggest you leave the ball in her court, OP, because everytime she cancels on you or chooses not to answer her phone, it just causes you more hurt.

I second everything in @banana's post!

Sorry for typos!
Remember, not *to ever
Ill, not *I'll

I don't know OP. Everything people suggest is wrong.

Personally I think your mum is more hurt by the move than she's let on. Her oldest daughter has a baby (her first grandchild) and moves away from home to be closer to her in-laws. That has to sting a little bit, even if rationally she knew it was a sensible decision for you at the time.

Maybe for her it's easier to be a bit detached. Maybe she doesn't want to think about what she's missing out on. Or maybe she's just a bitch. I don't know. Neither do you. You can only control your behaviour, not hers.

Okay then OP. Seeing as you’re determined to play the victim, ignoring everyone else saying you’re BU despite coming on here to ask for opinions, let’s go with the idea that your mum just doesn’t give a fuck about you anymore. Happy?

bananas thank you

I am lucky that I have the support of lots of lovely friends and family. My in laws have said they find her behaviour very strange countless time, and I've always, always rushed to her defence. But I'm seeing more and more evidently that I'm dropped like hot stones when it suits and picked up again when it suits

And I long and long to be picked up again. And every time I'm let down I still crave for the next call or text that she might answer

I live 2 miles from my mum and at times between, college, work, kids activities and just life in general we end up not seeing each other for a few weeks and communicate through text.

My mum is 70 and retired but she has friends, she has a social life and does her volunteering so trying to squeeze everything in makes life pretty hectic, it’s doesn’t mean she’s she loves us any less due to the fact that we haven’t visited.

PRessed send to soon, we do meet up for coffee and lunch without the children at times as it’s the only free time we have.

No one visits us at our house but I’m quite happy with that! I mean pretty antisocial 😂😂

Mama Of course not and of course she doesn't love you any less.

But my mum doesn't even answer texts, not really. I might get the odd 'I'm good' back to 'how are you?' But never a 'im good how are you?' I reply asking her about herself or the kids and it's 9/10 ignored.

My child and me are never asked after

Have you tried video-chatting with her and your DC? It could be that your mum just doesn't feel that connected with your DC and maybe seeing them might help form a relationship on both sides.

Just walk away, stop contacting her, be as uninterested in her as she is in you