To think my mum doesn't really care about seeing DC?

[XtraSpice]

When I got married a few years ago, I moved about 1 hour and 20 minutes away from my mum, dad, siblings etc.

Property prices aren't cheap, hence the move. But it's also a nicer area than the one I use to live in.

When I first had DC my mum was up every week to see us, without fail. Then it gradually just stopped completely.

I don't really see her at all anymore. We speak on the phone but 9/10 it's always me calling her. I tested this once and it was over 12 days before I heard anything from her. When we do speak on the phone it's often rushed with her making her excuses to go, because of the kids, etc etc. It's incredibly frustrated but I understand since it can't always be helped.

I've never really 'looked' at the situation before or stopped to question it, but I'm beginning to feel like my own mum isn't really fussed about seeing my little one

I've come over to my Nan's for a day and a bit for work related reasons. My mum was suppose to be having DC but then the evening before the work event cancelled on me more or less, as she 'just didn't know how she was going to park' and said she'd have to take a train. Then went on to say that she couldn't leave her dog since hers and my Nan's don't get on. She's also renovating the house so everything is everywhere etc, no flooring down downstairs.

She said she might've come last night when my Dad was home from work, as she'd get parking then etc. But she never did. My Nan lives 35/40 mins away by car from her.

I have to go this afternoon but I hoped she may pop down this morning. I'm hoping she will but I don't think it's going to happen.

I just feel a bit lost. We were extremely close once and in a way we still are because we get on like a house on fire when I do see her. But I'm beginning to realise I don't really have anyone from my family, really. Not 'properly' like so many friends of mine have. They can really rely on theirs.

A key factor in all this is that I don't drive. My family do. I'm currently learning so I'm hoping that gives me more freedom to see whoever I like, but my cynical side now thinks that'll all be one sided.

I know I may sound needy or whatever else but I've never asked for any help from anyone. I do absolutely everything on my own. I juggle keeping a house, working and looking after my DC, all without my own family for support. And that's fine, I've never really questioned it at all, but it would be nice to feel like people really want to see DC.

I was 19 when I had him, in a new town I didn't know. And nothing phased me. I've always been very happy. Never questioned it or wanted 'help'. Now DC is older now though, I do see how little we see of my own family.

I'd focus more of your time on the people in your life who do show an interest in your child. You can't change people

Cheery Yes I thought so to, and as I say I always thought similar and made countless excuses for her.

But the cracks are really showing and getting clearer. Especially when I see on Facebook that's she's having a BBQ, has a friend round for lunch for a 'lovely catch up' etc and I'm never even given a bit of listening to, let alone an invite for lunch etc

It seems like its you who is missing the point . Maybe with 3 children of her own she is utterly exhausted and not up to entertaining. Even if you are her child. She could be depressed.

@XtraSpice Maybe you just need to ask your mum what's going on and tell her how she's making you feel.

It may be that she hasn't realised that you need her as much as you do, and that she's hurting your feelings but not even calling to check in.

Tell her how you feel and see what her response is.

The saddest thing is if she was to ring me now and have a chat in her up beat voice I'd be thrilled, falling over myself with happiness almost to hear her voice and have a chat.

But she doesn't do that, and rarely answers my calls. When she does she's distant or has to go, or something comes up.

Yet she posts a lot of lunches out, lunches at her house with a few friends, trips to here and there with the kids. The biggest kick in the teeth was her visiting an aunt who lives 20 minutes from my house Yet around that exact time I was put off from coming down, couldn't even speak to her on the phone, etc etc.

It's all just a bit much

@XtraSpice No i dont think you understand,Your DM first thought is her dc who still need her.And nobody is ignoring your points,we are just pointing out the obvious.

And im in your dms shoes,so i know what its like.

@lazyarse123 my house is a madhouse.Plus my ds works shift,so its not always the case of ringing him at night.Life gets in the way,shit happens.

I would love to be more of a hands on granny.But i cant be at the minute.So dont be guilt tripping your dm.You are the one that moved.

dust But you are ignoring what I'm saying because costing me aside, you've ignored the fact that she doesn't answer my calls, or always says she has to go, or cancels on me before I try and travel up to her.

3 kids is extremely busy but they do go to bed! So you think she's too busy to give me a quick call in the evening every now and then? Or is that asking too much as she must be winding down by then

I moved an hour away a year ago and I don’t expect my Mum to visit as much as she did when we lived in the same city as her. I think it’s natural for visits to decrease when you live a distance away, factoring a 3 hour round trip into your day is a hassle. I know it’s to see her daughter and grandchildren but she has a life of her own. Maybe she also got sick of it being one sided since you don’t make the effort to visit her.

I’m pleased you are learning to drive. Perhaps when you pass, you can drive to visit her. I think non-drivers can be guilty of failing to understand how much of a slog driving long distance can actually be. 1.5 hours might not seem like a long time but then there’s the journey back, it can be tiring.

dust you've also ignored that she travels up to a relative that lives 20 minutes from me but didn't see me, despite me trying to arrange something for weeks. And even worse, I couldn't even speak to her over the phone either.

You've also ignored the lunches and visits and BBQ's she has. All of which I'm never invited to. All of which she can arrange her you claim she's too busy to possibly give me a call or at least spare me a few minutes over the phone to see how her grandson is etc

whattodo Ffs! Did you not read the thread? I've explicitly said I do constantly make the effort to visit her via public transport

@XtraSpice she should put some effort in.I agree.But some nights when i have mine in bed i just want an hour of peace.

Plus if you have a 2 year old,they go to bed.But having an 11 year old is a whole different story.

Apologies for the 'ffs' but it's really frustrating when people keep replying on here to say maybe she's fed up of it all being one sided, maybe she's fed up of doing all the travelling.

When the reality is it's me doing it all and then getting fobbed off last minute

You've also ignored the lunches and visits and BBQ's she has. All of which I'm never invited to. All of which she can arrange her you claim she's too busy to possibly give me a call or at least spare me a few minutes over the phone to see how her grandson is etc

No i havent ignored that part.Maybe she just wants to see her friends on her own.Im sure if you where going to a bbq to see your friends,you wouldnt invite your dm.
And the visits to a relative,could be something sensitive that they dont want you to know about.

Apart from being your DM,shes also her own person.Who is entitled to have a life of her own.And not being pulled in all directions.
I think at this stage you need to speak to her.And see if something can be done.

Ok work backwards here. You said she used to come up all the time. What changed? Shes actively avoiding you it seems? Did something happen to offend her, that shes decided to keep that distance? Or something to do with your child?

I think her own dc should (and are) coming before her DGC

dust Jesus Christ, of course she may just want to see her friends on her own. That is entirely fine and healthy. But, since you claim she's probably so exhausted, has no time etc, does it not strike you as a little bit off that she does have time for those friends etc but cannot even give me ONE phone call? Answer one call?!

I understand she needs winding down time. But is it really so impossible to talk to me just for 5/10 minutes? Her own daughter?

The visit to the relative wasn't a sensitive issue. It was for a catch up and lunch, they then went on to visit a few more cousins etc. All happy families and smiles in pictures. The exact caption was "Absolutely loved catching up with this lot, we need to do it more often!" With my mum in the comments saying "definitely! Need to make it monthly at least".

Yes that all may be pie in the Skye talk and never happen but don't you see how that's a kick in the teeth when I, her own daughter, can't even chat to her for 5 mins On a phone? Can't even visit myself by travelling up 3 hours?

It really really hurts if what I'm asking for is seen as 'pulling her in all directions'. I'm asking next to nothing, literally a few minutes on the phone. A visit would be lovely too since she's so happy to travel elsewhere but it seems that's just a pipe dream now

Give DC stopped being a cuddly newborn. The moment that stopped, the visits stopped.

And when she did visit when DC was newborn, as I said before, it was just her having cuddles and I couldn't talk to her because she was glued to her phone.

I wasn't going to say so but may well since it'll give a better insight of her often chaotic personality... She absolutely demanded to be at the birth and was extremely upset when I said I wanted just me and DH.

She was really sad about it all. Sending me lots of guilt tripping messages. I eventually caved and she was at the birth. When I was in labour and going through some bigger contractions I asked if she would help me with my breathing whilst DH went for a toilet trip. She said "Yeah course, one minute" and I shit you not, didn't look up from her phone.

I eventually lost all patients and said "Mum! Help me for fuck sakes". She looked really shocked like she could do absolutely nothing wrong

YABVU. She has three other young children. You shouldn't expect her to visit you monthly. That is unreasonable. She has three times your work given you only have one child. You are being very selfish.

Your situation is not comparable to others. Very few grandmothers have three young children of their own to parent.

Seems like you don't want to accept that YABU though.

I'm sorry OP but I I think you're being unreasonable.

You chose to move. It's a three hour round trip for her (you keep saying an hour for some reason, but in your OP you said you moved 1h20m away), and she has three dependent children to think about too. Who's going to look after them while she's travelling? You say they can come too, but she probably doesn't want to spend three hours with small children in the car on a regular basis.

Unfortunately when you choose to move, contact naturally decreases. I had to move away from my parents' due to housing costs - it's only to be expected that we don't see each other as often as we used to - we all have our own lives to lead.

I understand you're upset but it's not like your DM is retired and has nothing else to do with her time. She has three school-aged children to look after, to occupy, to feed, to take to activities and playdates. That's not exactly a walk in the park. In the nicest way, you're no longer on her list of top priorities - her dependent children are naturally going to take up more of her time.

The flip side is that she's upset that you moved away from her. I presume you moved to be with your DC's father? Maybe she's hurt that you moved to be with his family and didn't appear to give much thought to her?

Hannah Have you read the full thread?

It's not visits. It's the not ever being able to talk to me on the phone. Never answering my calls and if she does, saying she's busy and goes.

On top of all that though, manages to have numerous lunch dates with friends, BBQ's etc. Yet can't possibly fit me in for 5 minutes over the phone?

Is she upset that you left to be closer to (I presume) your husbands family?

adaline I don't think so. I could never know for sure but I think I can read my mum quite well.

She's a very 'it is what it is' person and usually sees the best in things. She agreed it was best to move here since we couldn't afford to live comfortably in her area

OP your original thread says you talk on the phone but it's you calling her. That's totally different to "not ever being able to talk to me on the phone" and "never answering my calls" in your most recent post. It does rather seem like you're now exaggerating the extent of your mum's disengagement because you've been told YABU.

She sounds a little on the narcissistic side and her nose has been put out of joint... she feels entitled to validation from you but she doesn't want to give you validation
I would stop bothering with her and build a supportive friendship group, you can make your own family in some senses.

I am sorry but you clearly arent listening to the multiple views on here that you may be being just a bit unreasonable- oh and I have read the full thread.

Your Mum has 3 young children, she is right by saying she cant commit to monthly visits. Maybe compromise and ask her to visit ie 3 weeks in the future and arrange as and when, not committing to the same date each month.

Your Mum sounds very busy (as are you we know we know) but why dont you try talking to her about your concerns, ie you dont visit, you ignore my calls etc... instead of posting to a forum of strangers a one sided story and not listening to any of the advice.