To think my mum doesn't really care about seeing DC?

[XtraSpice]

When I got married a few years ago, I moved about 1 hour and 20 minutes away from my mum, dad, siblings etc.

Property prices aren't cheap, hence the move. But it's also a nicer area than the one I use to live in.

When I first had DC my mum was up every week to see us, without fail. Then it gradually just stopped completely.

I don't really see her at all anymore. We speak on the phone but 9/10 it's always me calling her. I tested this once and it was over 12 days before I heard anything from her. When we do speak on the phone it's often rushed with her making her excuses to go, because of the kids, etc etc. It's incredibly frustrated but I understand since it can't always be helped.

I've never really 'looked' at the situation before or stopped to question it, but I'm beginning to feel like my own mum isn't really fussed about seeing my little one

I've come over to my Nan's for a day and a bit for work related reasons. My mum was suppose to be having DC but then the evening before the work event cancelled on me more or less, as she 'just didn't know how she was going to park' and said she'd have to take a train. Then went on to say that she couldn't leave her dog since hers and my Nan's don't get on. She's also renovating the house so everything is everywhere etc, no flooring down downstairs.

She said she might've come last night when my Dad was home from work, as she'd get parking then etc. But she never did. My Nan lives 35/40 mins away by car from her.

I have to go this afternoon but I hoped she may pop down this morning. I'm hoping she will but I don't think it's going to happen.

I just feel a bit lost. We were extremely close once and in a way we still are because we get on like a house on fire when I do see her. But I'm beginning to realise I don't really have anyone from my family, really. Not 'properly' like so many friends of mine have. They can really rely on theirs.

A key factor in all this is that I don't drive. My family do. I'm currently learning so I'm hoping that gives me more freedom to see whoever I like, but my cynical side now thinks that'll all be one sided.

I know I may sound needy or whatever else but I've never asked for any help from anyone. I do absolutely everything on my own. I juggle keeping a house, working and looking after my DC, all without my own family for support. And that's fine, I've never really questioned it at all, but it would be nice to feel like people really want to see DC.

I was 19 when I had him, in a new town I didn't know. And nothing phased me. I've always been very happy. Never questioned it or wanted 'help'. Now DC is older now though, I do see how little we see of my own family.

I struggle to support DC`s with grandchildren when I still have children at home. We gave them every support up and until they were married including deposits for homes. We do what we can babysitting. But we still have children at home so it is not easy and we are very aware when they sulk because they do not think we are doing enough. One DC thinks we should take on the grandchildren while the parents have two weeks holiday abroad.

It could be that she isn't a great person, maybe a bit of a user. Or maybe one of those out of sight out of mind people who just don't do long distance.

Are your siblings full siblings? I'll be flamed but I have known people who have a parent (usually dad but I do know a mum) who start a second family and kind of lose interest in their first children. Could this be what's happening?

Yep, my mum is this way. She complains she doesn't see my son, but can get to Germany, Bournemouth, bath, Birmingham, etc in between visits to my son (visits that I make to her house an easy hour away).

justasking they seem like cheeky fuckers for the most part

Snuggy Yes you're right. I do have a different dad to them (mine is long dead). But I've always called their dad my dad... and he certainly feels like he's still my dad. He's a very emotionally reserved Scottish-man with a dry sense of humour. He's never been the hands on type with me or my siblings but he's always felt like dad. For some reason it's my mum that feels like the step parent

I should add he treats his biological children just the same, quite emotionally distant etc but keen to talk if he's drinking

It hurts more when it's biological. I don't know why

I was exhausted with three small children. I still haven't forgotten how intense it was. No way would I want to take them on a 3 hr each way train trip, never mind once a month.

Perhaps your mum doesn't want to answer her phone to you as when she does she gets demands from you?

Sounds to me as though she is the one who could use a bit of support.

Fuzzy Again, nobody really asks her to. I'm the one who does the 3 hours up there. And it's 1 hour 20 for her (or less) because she drives.

I never have any demands from her. I don't ask for anything, not really.

If that's the case then I'm sorry. I know a young woman in your situation, lovely young woman, always reaching out and getting nothing back.

The only thing to do is lower your expectations until you are no longer frustrated by her behaviour.

I still think Id'd be exhausted if your phone calls are along the lines of your posts.

It's sad if you want a closer relationship, but perhaps if you back off a bit you can start again without the expectation that she sill visit you at all, never mind to your time scale, and just chat about inconsequentialites, without any pressure from either side.

Yadnbu, completely understand why your feeling so put out by this, some grandparents just can’t be bothered to make the effort.

My parents are amazing with my little one and go out of their way to make a massive effort with her, I got the shock of my life with dps parents who quickly showed they wasn’t willing to put in any effort in their spare time to see our child, now we also don’t make any effort with them. It’s not fair when it’s all one sided. You end up feeling like your forcing your child on them when in reality you just want your child to have a bond with their grandparents.

I would imagine they will regret it when they’re old and lonely and none of the grandkids can be bothered to visit 🤷🏻‍♀️

Yabu, she still had a young family and you only have 1 DC. It sounds like she needs the help! You can’t expect a traditional grandparent/child relationship shop as you both had your kids very young. How about your DH parents?

I think you need to start ringing your mum once a week at a regular time and try and keep the connection between you alive . I understand why you want her to visit regularly but it sounds to me that she’s still very much got her hands full as a mum , without the headspace to be a very present grandma. I’m sure it’s not personal - but your younger siblings are much more dependent on her than you are . Maybe arranging to meet half way a few times a year would be more realistic .

I still think Id'd be exhausted if your phone calls are along the lines of your posts.

I think this is key. If OP comes across to her mum anything like she has on this thread then I’d say there’s a good reason her mum is taking a bit of space from her.

OP you must have mentioned ten times on this thread how it’s a three hour trip for you but only an hour and twenty mins for your mum, as if it’s unfair in some way or means she should make the trip more frequently (despite having three kids), when you’re the one who chose to move away and you’re the one who hasn’t yet learned to drive (I see you’re learning). I wonder how often that gets brought up to your mum?

The more intense and needy and angry and disappointed you are towards your mum, the less she’s going to want to willingly open herself up to your judgment and ire towards her, which is natural when she has three young kids to care for and her own life to lead. You sound almost jealous because you’re off living your life like a grown up but she isn’t putting as much effort into you as she is your younger siblings.

I would give your mum some space for a while and see how the land lies in a few months, and really self reflect on your expectations of her as based on this post you have very little insight into how you’re coming across and how unreasonable you’re being. You’re just determined to be the victim.

My family show some of these traits - managing to vist just down the road or across the country and making vists to them very diffcult to arranage.

It's a huge contrast to IL - who have been vile to me over the years and caused a few issues - but who are very interested in GC and don't let anything get in way of vists or contact - they are much further away but see DC considerably more - both making it easy to get to them and travling down.

Best advice -lower expectations - try once weekly phone call leave a message and leave ball in her court for week and focus on people who are bothered in your life.

You can't change how other people behave only how you react to their behavior.

You are dumping all this on your mother. What about your MIL.

You did choose to move away so have to suck it up I am afraid. Some people are hundreds or thousands of miles from their families who post on here.

Could your partner not take you to see your mum and then take your ds so you can have sometime with her by yourself?

I feel exhausted reading this thread......................

I don't think this is about you. I suspect your mum is one of those out of sight, out of mind people but also likes young babies (she went on to have 3 more after a long gap, after all), so that overcame her lack of interest for a while.

I sympathise as my DSis was like this for a while but it wasn't really to do with me at all - she had her own issues. In my case our relationship did recover after I backed right off and the issues in her life improved. But you can't keep flogging a dead horse for ever, not if you've got good friends and a DH.

It sounds like you get on well with your siblings, so why not focus on keeping in touch with them and visiting them? The older two will be teens soon enough and maybe they can visit you themselves.

It's good to have support from older women, but they don't have to be your mum. Focus on people who are glad to hear from you and stop trying to understand why your mum does what she does - it's pointless and you'll drive yourself mad.

XtraSpice I'm sorry you don't feel supported by your Mum. You said you see other grandparents much more involved in their GC lines than your mum is in your child's but I bet they don't have such young children. I am very involved in my grandchildren's lives but my own children are grown up. I'm afraid your Mum has her hands full with your siblings who are still very young and they have to be her priority.if I had 3 young children myself I wouldn't have the stamina to be as involved in my GC life as I am.