To think my mum doesn't really care about seeing DC?

[XtraSpice]

When I got married a few years ago, I moved about 1 hour and 20 minutes away from my mum, dad, siblings etc.

Property prices aren't cheap, hence the move. But it's also a nicer area than the one I use to live in.

When I first had DC my mum was up every week to see us, without fail. Then it gradually just stopped completely.

I don't really see her at all anymore. We speak on the phone but 9/10 it's always me calling her. I tested this once and it was over 12 days before I heard anything from her. When we do speak on the phone it's often rushed with her making her excuses to go, because of the kids, etc etc. It's incredibly frustrated but I understand since it can't always be helped.

I've never really 'looked' at the situation before or stopped to question it, but I'm beginning to feel like my own mum isn't really fussed about seeing my little one

I've come over to my Nan's for a day and a bit for work related reasons. My mum was suppose to be having DC but then the evening before the work event cancelled on me more or less, as she 'just didn't know how she was going to park' and said she'd have to take a train. Then went on to say that she couldn't leave her dog since hers and my Nan's don't get on. She's also renovating the house so everything is everywhere etc, no flooring down downstairs.

She said she might've come last night when my Dad was home from work, as she'd get parking then etc. But she never did. My Nan lives 35/40 mins away by car from her.

I have to go this afternoon but I hoped she may pop down this morning. I'm hoping she will but I don't think it's going to happen.

I just feel a bit lost. We were extremely close once and in a way we still are because we get on like a house on fire when I do see her. But I'm beginning to realise I don't really have anyone from my family, really. Not 'properly' like so many friends of mine have. They can really rely on theirs.

A key factor in all this is that I don't drive. My family do. I'm currently learning so I'm hoping that gives me more freedom to see whoever I like, but my cynical side now thinks that'll all be one sided.

I know I may sound needy or whatever else but I've never asked for any help from anyone. I do absolutely everything on my own. I juggle keeping a house, working and looking after my DC, all without my own family for support. And that's fine, I've never really questioned it at all, but it would be nice to feel like people really want to see DC.

I was 19 when I had him, in a new town I didn't know. And nothing phased me. I've always been very happy. Never questioned it or wanted 'help'. Now DC is older now though, I do see how little we see of my own family.

Presumably your MIL hasn’t got three primary aged children though?

Your mum has enough children of her own to parent without having the grandchildren on top.

She likely believes you were old enough to get married, move away and become a parent and the younger ones need her more. That’s where her priorities lie presently.

IceCream But that's thing, I'm not asking her to parent my child. Or even be particularly hands on.

I just feel like there's really no interest there. That's all.

I think the key thing is most grandparents will only have other adult children if any. It's a very different situation when the grandparent also has dependent children.

But OP you are expecting her to visit and see your DC as per your thread title. And she's knee deep in her own parenting responsibilities. I'm sorry you're upset by this but tbh I think you're being unreasonable in your expectations. Either your mum has to corral three children to yours and back, disrupting their lives and commitments or she has to arrange childcare to leave them at home. You find it difficult enough to do with one... imagine that times three!

Hey @XtraSpice

Is it possible that your mum has become a less confident driver as she's got older? I know that's the case with my mum, and there's no way she would feel able to drive 1 hr 20 to visit me, even if she really wanted to.

Does your mum have other grandchildren? If so, does she have a good relationship with them?

Bib No. She regularly drives to Scotland and back (she's in the South East)

Ah I've just seen the age of your siblings! That explains a lot more.

Chances are your mum is just caught up with her own young kids at the moment.

I think once you're able to drive things will improve, it will be a lot easier for you to take DS and visit her instead of the other way round. Even if it does feel like you're doing all the work, it's easier for you with one child than for your mum with three, as annoying as it is.

Fair enough but I actively see other grandparents doing more, by the bucket load

The vast majority of grandparents aren't juggling 3 under 11s of their own! If she visits you, surely she has to get some childcare for your siblings! You said in a pp that she doesn't work. But she does have her hands full! I suspect she's really busy and wishes she could see more of you and your child - but she's at the wrong stage in her life to be a 'traditional' grandparent.

I think the more useful comparison to make is how many mums of 3 school age children are regularly travelling to visit people.

Cheery My siblings could come too?

I always hear them on the other end of the phone shouting "WHEN IS SPICE COMING DOWN, IS SHE THERE?!" They love seeing DC.

I understand children have activities but only one of them does one apart from swimming which they all do on a Saturday.

How about all the holidays etc? No school so even more options time wise to see me and DC.

I think the more useful comparison to make is how many mums of 3 school age children are regularly travelling to visit people.

My 3 kids are back in school next week.I will be able to help more.My ds is a bout an hour away.

@XtraSpice How old is your dc and how many have you got.

dust 2, and just the one

Shes not as active as a grandmother because she is still an active parent to her primary school.aged dc its not a slight on you. Most grandparents who are active in grandchildren lives tend to not still have young dc of their own. I dont think I would be wanting to make the journey 3 hours with 3 dc in tow. You moved away and made it harder for contact.

She sounds completely disinterested in you, I don't know what you can do to change that. The pp who are giving you stick about this don't appear to have read the op properly. I'm sorry you are going through this.

Why cant you travel down on the train or bus with you're dc?

Henry the journey isn't 3 hours for her. And if you not read the thread?

I explicitly said I do travel down to her

You have 1 child,surely its easier for you to travel.Than your dm packing up 3 kids,who probably dont want to go.

@lazyarse123 nobody is giving her stick.Just pointing out @XtraSpice
dm still has young kids at home.

So what's the problem then surely it's easier for you to travel with one dc than it is for her to travel with 3. You only have one dc but if you're a mam of two or 3 or more dc it's hard work. Again you decided to move it away it was always going to be harder for visits especially in the throws of looking after three dc.

You said you moved 1 hrs and 20 minutes so just short of three hours travelling there and back op

Henry it's an hour for her, 3 for me.

And on top of all that my dad is there twice a week so if my siblings really didn't want to go they do then she could leave them with my dad

My mum was suppose to be having DC but then the evening before the work event cancelled

You say you wanted her to babysit then further down the thread you weren't after her baby sitting which is it op? Tbh she has her hands full its abit much to expect her to then look after you're 2 year old.

You seem to refuse to accept yabu 🤷🏼‍♀️

She came up regularly when you're baby as first born now rightly shes stepped back. He is you're little one. The fact is you decided to have a family with you're dp and move away when you were still young and you're dm still have younger children to tend to they are her priority in the way youre dc is.

Henry She offered previously, I took her up on it. By 'babysitting' I mean frequently or numerous times having DC.

Not the one of (literal one off, she's never had him before).

She didn't come up to 'help' in any way, shape or form. She didn't really even talk to me much.

She just played games on her phone and held DC for cuddles. Then she was off

apack No, I'm just defending the misconceptions people seem to have, mostly from not reading the thread properly